The Daily Jerk

Archive for May, 2010

HERE’S YOUR NEW ADDRESS, GETTYSBURG

by on May.31, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, SHUT UP, STOP IT, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

YOUR NEW ADDRESS IS “15 SHITCUNT LANE, IOWA”

So why does an entire borough deserve to be re-addressed, and in Iowa, no less? For the same reason that I think that you’re a LYING SACK OF SHIT, GETTYSBURG. For the VERY SAME reason why my future children will EAT FUCKING MUD, and NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYTHING THAT IS COOLER THAN ANYTHING I OWN. BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO.

So for all of us who weren’t brought up GETTING AMERICAN FUCKING HISTORY RAMMED DOWN OUR THROATS IN LIEU (there’s a fucking word you French-hating, history-gobbling-like-so-many-freedom-fries, Americunts would never have learned in school thanks to too much time spent shovelling fucking RANCH DRESSING AND COCKS down your throats rather than LEARNING SOMETHING THAT HAS SOME FORM OF REAL FUCKING IMPACT ON THE WORLD YOU ARE ABOUT TO FUCK UP) OF PROPER FUCKING EDUCATION ABOUT THINGS THAT CUNTING WELL MATTER, WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS?

Ok, so say you’re watching some heart-warming TV show about a family in crisis, which is set in America in winter. At some point WITHOUT FUCKING FAIL, one of the family cunt-beasts (usually the youngest) will DON A FAKE BEARD, TOP HAT, AND FUCKING TAILS, stand on stage and declare loudly “FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO!” then fucking WANDER OFF while everyone smiles and wipes a fucking tear from their eye LIKE THEY HAVEN’T SEEN EVERY OTHER ONE OF THEIR SHIT-BURG FUCKING KIDS DO THE SAME THING BEFORE THEY GOT TOO COOL AND STARTED LISTENING TO JUSTIN FUCKING BEIBER.

I think it has something to do with thanksgiving, BECAUSE THOSE MOVIES ALWAYS HAVE THANKSGIVINGMAS in them with GIANT FUCKING TURKEYS and FOUR FUCKING FATHERS. Thanksgiving is also A TOTAL FUCKING LIE. “HEY WE’RE GIVING THANKS TO YOU INDIANS FOR GIVING US SOME LAND BY KINDLY DYING OF FUCKING SMALL POX AND INFLUENZA AND PROBABLY AIDS IF WE KNEW IT EXISTED THEN. NOW BUILD US A FUCKING CASINO, BITCH! I’M FEELING LUCKY!”

So why change the Gettysburg address? It’s fucking HILARIOUS to watch all the other cunt’s children who don’t get to say “FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN CUNTS DON’T GET THIS LINE”, and think quietly to yourself that THEY WILL NEVER FUCKING AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, BECAUSE THEY ARE ONLY BIT PARTS, WHERE AS MY FAKE CHILD WILL BE CRUSHED BY THE DOG-EAT-CHILDREN’S-INTESTINES WORLD OF ACTING, ONLY TO SINK INTO AN EVER DEEPENING SPIRAL OF DRUG ABUSE, SEX SCANDALS, AND LACK OF EVER FINDING FULFILMENT UNTILL THEY ARE FULLY FILLING A FUCKING GRAVE WITH THEIR 700 KILO BALL OF GREASE THAT THEY USED TO ONCE DRESS UP IN FAKE BEARDS AND TOP HATS.

YOU ARE FUCKING RUINING EVERY CHILD’S LIVES, AMERICA, WITH YOUR CONSTANT ABE LINCOLN IMPERSONATIONS, AND I AM TOTALLY FUCKING OK WITH THAT.

THE MORE LIVES YOU RUIN NOW, THE MORE PORN WE HAVE IN THE FUTURE. YOU’RE ALSO KEEPING THE DRUG DEALERS AND THE ECO-HIPPIES IN BUSINESS. GREAT FUCKING WORK THERE, YOU STUPID CUNTS.

Or maybe I’m over-reacting.

Leave a Comment more...

I’M FUCKING WATCHING YOU

by on May.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Hello, how are you today?, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

THAT’S RIGHT, CUNTS. I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. I HAVE EYES ON THE PRIZE. I KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE COMING HERE… I AM BIG FUCKING BROTHER.

Allow me to show you… “The stats”

So what does this show? Not much really, only that everyone fucking LOVES Justin Bieber. I still don’t get it. I’m at a massive fucking loss. So will someone please tell me what is SO FUCKING AMAZING about this little twerp? What is SO CUNTING SPECIAL that this shitburg can inspire FUCKING RIOTS at the age of 16?

Perhaps an even MORE important question is this: WILL MENTIONING JUSTIN BIEBER AGAIN NET ME HUNDREDS MORE PAGE VIEWS? I’M DOING THIS FOR SCIENCE, YOU CUNTS! I’M STUDYING A MYSTERIOUS PHENOMENON THAT I CALL THE “MINDLESS TEENAGE CUNT EFFECT”

AND I WOULD LOVE TO WELCOME YOU INEVITABLE BITCHES WHO COME HERE HOPING FOR SOME TASTY EXCLUSIVE ON YOUR BRAND NEW HEARTTHROB. I HEAR THAT HE LIKES STUFF! AND I HEARD THAT IN ABOUT 2 YEARS HE WILL BE CRACKED OUT OF HIS FUCKING BRAIN, AND SHOOTING UP HEROIN WITH LINDSEY LOHAN. AS IN USING HER AS A NEEDLE. AND THE SUPPLY.

HE WILL BE SO COKED OUT THAT JUNKIES COULD CHEW ON HIM FOR SUSTENANCE. HE WILL CONSTANTLY BE GOING INTO REHAB, SO OTHER JUNKIES CAN GET ANOTHER HIT. Probably.

That, of he’ll get caught in some kind of photo scandal exposing his breasts on a webcam to strangers. Oh, wait, that’s Miley.

3 Comments more...

A quick quiz

by on May.28, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MOTHERFUCKER, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Now today, I wish to administer a quick quiz. Don’t worry, it won’t be hard.

There are images in this quiz, it’s kind of a “spot the difference”.

For this reason, I’m going to use one of those “split post” things that, so far, I have avoided using.

(continue reading…)

2 Comments more...

Fighting the trolls, spammers, and cunterblasts of the Internet. (Or: how I learned to stop worrying, and love swearing)

by on May.27, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, Hello, SHUT UP

SO. Everyone is all up in arms about fighting Internet trolls, spammers, and the like. They discuss techniques like “ratings systems” and governments make goo-goo eyes at concepts like uniquely identifying citizens on the Internet.

I am here to tell you how FUCKING STUPID AND WRONG those concepts are. Have you ever heard of the saying (AND I FUCKING KNOW THAT YOU HAVE, YOU CUNTS) “Fight fire with fire”? Well aside from making FUCKING HEAPS OF FIRE, (which, incidentally looks fucking AMAZING), EVERYONE GETS BURNED. Do you know what happens after a massive disaster? LOTS OF PEOPLE DIE, AND THEN PEOPLE FUCKING COME BACK. Which people? THE PEOPLE WHO WERE FUCKING THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THEY PICKED IT FOR A REASON.

So this is why I suggest, no… recommend, wait… INSIST that the BEST way to fight trolls is to FUCKING DO IT BACK, AND MAKE EVERYTHING A SHIT-STORM UNTIL THE IT ALL BLOWS THE FUCK UP AND EVERYONE DIES. THAT IS WHEN THE PEOPLE WHO WERE THERE FIRST WILL FUCKING COME BACK TO THE CHARRED GROUND AND TRY TO PIECE SOME FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER.

THIS is the reason why I think you are all FUCKING RETARDED CUNTS. Is it because I’m an angry person? No, it’s because you are ALL FUCKING IDIOTS, SO I’M SETTING THE BAR VERY FUCKING HIGH. IF YOU WANT TO TROLL THIS FUCKING BLOG, YOU HAVE TO BE A BIGGER FUCKING CUNT THAN I AM, AND I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE THAT FUCKING EASY FOR YOU.

IS ANY OF THIS GETTING THROUGH YOUR THICK FUCKING SKULL? IS IT PENETRATING THROUGH THE LAYERS OF SEMEN, FAECES, GERBILS, CRAYONS, AND SMALL MOROCCAN BOYS THAT YOU HAVE CRAMMED INTO YOUR FUCKING FACE THROUGHOUT YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING SAD EXCUSE FOR A LIFE?

Some of you are wondering why I have to be so crude? WELL IF YOU DON’T FUCKING LIKE IT, THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU READING THIS, YOU DEMENTED, MAGGOTY, THATCHERIST CUNTS? I’M FUCKING DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING GOOD, YOU IMPOTENT SHIT-HEELS. I AM SINGLE-HANDEDLY KEEPING THE FUCKING BADDIES AWAY BY ABUSING YOU MYSELF WHILE YOU RETARDO-CUNTS SIT THERE WITH YOUR SHIT-EATING GRINS, WONDERING WHY I’M BEING SO FUCKING MEAN.

I BET YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING APPRECIATE IT, EITHER!

FUUUUUUUUCK.

YOOOOOOOOOU.

Leave a Comment more...

IN OTHER NEWS: ‘POP’ MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE DONKEY BALLS TASTE. SWEATY.

by on May.27, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, SHUT UP, STOP IT

THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT, DONKEY-BALL BREATH. LISTENING TO POP MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE SUCKING ON SWEATY, SMELLY, TESTICLES WHICH HAVE NEVER BEEN WASHED WITH ANYTHING BUT URINE SPLASH-BACK, AND WHICH REQUIRE GETTING KICKED IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO SUCK THEM. DON’T EVEN FUCKING ASK HOW I KNOW THIS.

Anyway, as I was saying. Unpleasant.

So what particular pop star has so raised my ire? Which fucking one? That idiotic, angel-faced, crime against sensibilities: Justin fucking Beelzebub. I mean, Bieber. I mean, fucking SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY?! THAT’S THE FUCKING BEST YOU CUNTS AT ‘BIG MUSIC INTERNATIONAL INC.’ COULD FUCKING COME UP WITH? I THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY FUCKING DISNEY WHO LOVED TO EXPLOIT CHILDREN AND PRETEND THAT THEY’RE FUCKING POP STARS. HERE I WAS THINKING THE FUCKING JOHNAS BROTHERS, AND MILEY CYRUS WERE BAD MARKETING DECISIONS. There is a REASON why people that age don’t become rock stars. It’s because THEY HAVE FUCKING NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY.

“OOOOOH, I GOT THE PUBERTY BLUES!
I WAKE UP AT NIGHT,
MY SHEETS ARE A STICKY MESS
HOW WILL I EVER
BE LOVED BY ANYONE.
OTHER THAN MY MUM,
WHO DOESNT UNDERSTAND
BECAUSE I CAN’T CONCEIVE
OF HER EVER BEING
YOUNGER THAN SHE CURRENTLY IS

OOOOOOOOH PUBERTY BLUES.”

Actually, I would probably listen to that. It sounds a lot more real than “BAAAAYBEEEE BABY BABY BAAAAAYYYYBBBEEEEE”.

Which brings me to my next point, WILL SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW CALLING SOMEONE ELSE A SMELLY, HELPLESS, ILLITERATE, NOISY CUNT BEAST IS MEANT TO BE A COMPLIMENT?

IT DOESN’T FUCKING MAKE ANY SENSE. NONE. AND NOW YOU HAVE SOME LITTLE WHITE KID FROM CANADA BEING NOMINATED FOR FUCKING BLACK MUSIC AWARDS JUST BECAUSE HE CAN SING ‘BABY’ REPEATEDLY?

References: WHAT THE FUCKING CUNT?! A BLACK FUCKING MUSIC AWARD?!
ALSO FUCKING RIOTS?! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…

OK world, you can FUCKING STOP IT NOW.

CUNTS.

Leave a Comment more...

HEY SHIT-LIPS. I’MA WORK OVER YOUR FACE WITH BRASS CUNT-KNUCKLES.

by on May.26, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP

You heard (read) me. I NEVER want to hear that kinda language coming from you. THIS LANGUAGE COMES FROM ME. IT IS PART OF MY PLAN. IF YOU START USING IT YOU WILL RUIN THE PLAN.

Normally this would be where I tell you that the plan is a secret, but FUCK YOU, I’M NOT THAT PREDICTABLE. I WILL TELL YOU THE PLAN BUT ONLY THE FUCKING OUTLINE BECAUSE YOU CUNTS ARE NEVER GETTING MY FUCKING SPECIFICS.

Now this plan starts with me becoming a well respected blogger. When you CUNTS recognise me LIKE YOU FUCKING WELL SHOULD, then MAINSTREAM MEDIA WILL FUCKING KNOW WHAT THEY WERE MISSING OUT ON LIKE THE CUNTS THAT THEY ARE. Once I am a well respected blogger, THEY WILL ALL OFFER ME A CUNT-TRUCK FULL OF MONEY PER ARTICLE THAT I BLESS THEIR ROTTING CORPSES OF NEWS MEDIA WEBSITES WITH.

When I am churning out approximately 80% of all articles being written for those SLUT-BAG CUNTS, then I will be in the position of power. I will be able to steer news HOW I WANT.

“So THAT’S that that magnificent beast is up to!” I imagine that I will hear you say out loud from wherever I happen to be when you read this. “This is all about world domination!”

Well you FUCKING NARROW MINDED CUNTS WOULD THINK THAT, but I have NO FUCKING INTEREST IN DOMINATING THIS FOETID PILE OF ROTTING SLURRY CALLED THE “MODERN CUNT’S WORLD”. TOO FUCKING EASY, AND ANYTHING THAT FUCKING EASY CAN’T BE WORTH THE FUCKING EFFORT. BESIDES WHICH, THEN I WOULD HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL YOU VOMIT-FILLED CUNT WOUNDS ASKING ME FOR HELP AND GUIDANCE. Shit ain’t fucking happening, no matter how much you wish to be ruled by me.

So what is the plan from there, then? Well shortly after dominating news media, I will be paid DOUBLE-FILLED CUNT-TRUCKS of money to appear on a radio slot, because EVERY CUNT IN TE WORLD WILL BE HANGING OFF MY EVERY FUCKING WORD.

Within 3 days of that (conservative estimate), the TV offers will start to roll in. I will turn them down for approximately 2 weeks, at which point they will be offering me 62 METRIC SHIT-TONNES OF FRESHLY MINTED GOLD BARS PER MINUTE to host a TV show. Eventually I shall “cave in” and take the job.

Now you’re thinking that if it’s not about world domination, then it must be all about the money. Again, you couldn’t be further off if you had your left foot on the Sun, and your right on the outer rings of fucking Saturn, AND THAT’S PRETTY FUCKING OFF.

No, after that, people will become discontent with merely hearing me speak, and seeing my face, they will want to read my gospel. THAT IS WHEN THE FINAL STAGE OF MY PLAN COMES IN TO PLAY. At this point, I will START A CUNTING BLOG. IT IS FUCKING GENIUS. AND I WILL EVENTUALLY BE IN A POSITION AS A PEER TO THE MAN WHO I AM SURE, AGAINST ALL KNOWN PATERNITY TESTS, TO BE MY REAL FUCKING FATHER.

That’s right you snivelling, maggoty, anal cavities. FUCKING ANDREW BOLT.

EVENTUALLY we shall be reunited in such a glory filled display of delight that EVERYONE ON THE PLANET WILL SIMULTANEOUSLY ORGASM THEMSELVES TO DEATH, ONLY TO BE BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE WITH THE SHEER FUCKING EUPHORIA OF THE SITUATION.

THAT is my plan, you useless, rotten, cunt-drippings, and you are fucking POWERLESS to stop it.

Leave a Comment more...

I dub thee SHIT-BURG, SINKER OF COMMON SENSE

by on May.25, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, SHUT UP, STOP IT

Actually, in this day and age (HAR HAR HAR I CAN USE CLICHÉS) common sense does seem to be like the Titanic. It starts off strong, and then suddenly FULL STEAM AHEAD THERE’S A FUCKING IMMOVABLE LUMP AHEAD! LET’S RAM IT, THAT’LL SHOW IT WHO’S BOSS! SOME FUCKSTAIN SAID THAT WE’RE UNSINKABLE, AND I HAVE A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS! ALSO I SAW SOME WANKER WITH SOME CUM DUMPSTER SHAGGING IN A CAR EARLIER! WOOO DRUGS ARE FUCKING AWESOME.

In fact, common sense was like that when the Titanic sank (which is why it sank) so maybe this whole ‘Titanic’ metaphor as as full of holes as THE HULL OF THE TITANIC AFTER IT HIT A FUCKING ICEBERG. THE METAPHOR IS ALSO FULL OF DEAD BODIES. HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE DIED IN THIS METAPHOR YOU INSENSITIVE FUCKING SLUT! I’LL CAVE YOUR FACE IN LIKE AN ICEBERG CAVED IN THE HULL OF THE FUCKING TITANIC!

Well. That degraded quickly. Kind of like common sense. Anyway, you cunt-faced, penis-eared (don’t ask, it FUCKING WORKS), Thatcherisms can FUCKING STOP GETTING SO ANGRY JUST BECAUSE SOME OTHER CUNT DOESN’T FUCKING AGREE WITH YOUR OPINION. THERE ARE DIFFERENT WAYS OF SEEING THINGS, SURE, BUT YOUR ONE IS FUCKING WRONG, AND IF YOU HAD THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF COMMON SENSE YOU WOULD SEE HOW FUCKING WRONG YOU ARE.

THE LOGIC IS INFALLIBLE, AND THE BITS WHICH DON’T MAKE SENSE TO YOU AREN’T A FUCKING FLAW, THEY ARE JUST PROOF THAT YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID.

EVERY TIME I HEAR THIS ARGUMENT I VOMIT INTO MY GRANDMOTHER A LITTLE (INSIDE). STOP FUCKING USING IT YOU BASTARDS. YOUR OWN LOGIC IS BASED ON HEARSAY, CONJECTURE, AND PHALLUSES.

IT DOESN’T MATTER IF HAN OR GREEDO SHOT FIRST YOU CUNTS, BECAUSE THEY BOTH FUCKING SHOT, AND ONLY ONE OF THEM HIT. GREEDO WAS A FUCKING SAP AND DESERVED TO DIE.

1 Comment more...

WINGE WINGE WINGE EVERYONE IS A LITTLE BITCH

by on May.25, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

YOU CUNTS BEST STOP WINGING ABOUT THINGS LIKE “oOOOH THE COMMENT FIELD KEEPS DELETING ALL MY HARD WORK” AND “oOOOOOH YOU KEEP SPAMMING MY FACEBOOK”. I had harsh words with the comment field (I TOLD IT THAT IF IT DOESN’T STOP BEING MAGGOTY CUNT LIPS ABOUT KEEPING TEXT, THEN I WOULD POUR ACID DOWN IT’S THROAT AND GET A SAMOAN MAN TO FUCK THE WOUNDS.), and it promised to stop deleting whatever crap you’re spewing.

About facebook, though, YOU CUNTS ARE MY FRIEND ON FACEBOOK, SO IF I FUCKING WELL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR “JIMMY RESCUED A RARE TIGER CUB EVERYONE PAT HIM ON THE BACK” THEN YOU CAN CUNTING WELL PUT UP WITH THE OCCASIONAL POST FROM ME ABOUT THIS BLOG, YOU FESTERING URETHRA INFECTED CUNT SWALLOW HYPOCRITE DOG MOLESTERS. THAT ISN’T SAYING IT STRONGLY ENOUGH.

IF YOU WANT ME TO STOP SPAMMING YOUR FUCKING PRECIOUS FACEBOOK FEED WITH THE OCCASIONAL LINK TO THIS BLOG STOP SPAMMING MY FUCKING FEED WITH YOUR RETARDO-GAMES THAT TAKE UP ALL YOUR TIME AND DON’T ADD ANYTHING OF FUCKING VALUE TO ANYONE’S LIFE EXCEPT THAT OF THE ARSEHOLE WHO FUCKING DEVELOPED IT AND IS RAKING IN ALL THE AD REVENUE THAT YOU ARE GENERATING, WHILE STILL ASKING FOR YOUR CREDIT CARD DETAILS SO THAT YOU CAN BUY THE RARE LIMITED EDITION CUM-FUCK-ME-BOOTS FOR YOUR ENDANGERED FUCKING LLAMA-STEAK BARN.

CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNTS!

Seriously, though. You fucking shitheels can either put up with it, you remove me from facebook if it cunting well bothers you so much. If that doesn’t convince you, then I WILL RAPE YOUR FACE WITH A FUCKING TENDERISING MALLET BOLTED TO A 24 INCH DILDO MADE OUT OF CONCRETE AND JACKHAMMERS.

FUCK.

YOU.

3 Comments more...

The tighter you clench, the more that slips through

by on May.24, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, STOP IT

There is a cancer spreading throughout the corporate landscape, affecting productivity at every turn, preventing work from happening since the dawn of civilization.

The Bean Counters.

Let’s start with a few simple facts.

1. I get paid METRICFUCKLOAD $$$ per hour. Which means that every hour I’m not working, you’re wasting a fuckload of money.

2. If you fuck me over on basic resources that are required for me to do shit, then I’m unable to do shit as effectively.

3. If I’m unable to use my tools effectively because you suck at critical thinking and give me, like, a pentium2 and tell me to run Eclipse on it, then you’re losing a percentage of $FUCKLOADS to inefficiency and reddit.com

Thankfully my current employer is pretty good and I haven’t had to deal with these issues. Until now.

Let’s focus on “Number Two”.

Recently, my office upgraded from “Crap toilet paper that sucks like your mother” to “Holy crap this stuff probably violates the geneva convention”

Now the original toilet paper was pretty bad, but you expect that from the bigwigs downstairs that make less money than me. However, in a real penny-pinching manouvre, they appear to have downgraded to toilet paper than can only be described as having the wiping power of sandpaper, and the structural integrity of fairy floss. (Unfortunately it doesn’t taste anywhere near as good).

I initially noticed the problem when, while trying to pull a sheet off the almighty dispenser, it tore. Now I’m not talking “Along the perforated edge” here. It just kind of crumbled under the weight of my silky touch.

Not to be put off, I carefully unrolled a foot or so of the surprisingly translucent and fragile material. However, before I was able to delicately cleanse my behind, the stuff just fell to pieces in mid-flight.

Now, clearly this toilet paper was cheap. I dunno how cheap, but quite frankly I wouldn’t use it if they PAID ME TO (Which, incidentally, they are).

Of course, the cost saving measure only works if I continue to use the same amount of toilet paper. However, since this lacy substance can only be described as “0.001 ply”, I need about 10 meters of carefully folded plant fiber in order to complete the deed. This means that YOU AREN’T FUCKING SAVING MONEY YOU DIPSHITS. IT COSTS LESS PER METER BUT I USE MORE OF IT .

More specifically, I have made it my mission in life to use as much of this foul substance as possible in order to FIGHT THE POWA.

Ok, so we’ve established that this wonderful cost cutting measure doesn’t actually cut costs whatsoever. But it gets worse.

This newfangled paper  adds an extra 2 minutes or so to my average toilet trip. At my current hourly wage of LOTS, this equates to being able to buy an entire role of the expensive toilet paper that is made from puppies or some shit every time I take a dump. More specifically, Kleenex Cottonelle costs like 80c per role, and I get paid more than this in the extra time it takes to wipe my arse with your 3c worth of cost savings.

You are, quite literally, flushing money down the toilet.

tl;dr Whoever decided to use this toilet paper can go GENTLY CARESS their appendix with a wooden spoon.

2 Comments : more...

These are the questions which keep me up at night

by on May.24, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

Ever since I was a little shit of a child, I was inquisitive. I wanted to know how stuff worked, why it worked, what things did. I happily pelted people with questions, and hoped for a response. I see little kids almost every day doing the same. Pestering their parents for answers like the little cunt-beasts they are.

Needless to say, I became quite knowledgeable about things. Still, though, there are questions for which no-one could tell me the answers. After many years of searching, I have found out why. It all boils down to this simple fact: EVERYONE on the face of this planet is FUCKING USELESS and DON’T REALLY KNOW SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING. ARSEHOLES HAVE BEEN FUCKING MAKING IT UP LIKE THE CUNTS THEY ARE.

So with this revelation, who could I turn to to answer the questions that no-one else can answer? Like usual, it’s me. I fucking have to do EVERY STUPID CUNT’S JOB around here. BASTARDS. FUCKING USELESS CUNTS CAN’T EVEN ANSWER A CHILD’S QUESTIONS CORRECTLY WITHOUT WINGING IT, AND RATHER THEN TELLING A KID THAT EVERYONE ON THE PLANET IS A USELESS CABBAGE-RIDDLED DICKHEAD, THEY PREFER TO LET A KID BELIEVE THAT THEY AREN’T ALL CUNTS.

So as the ONLY PERSON ALIVE who is qualified to answer my fucking questions, I will answer my OWN FUCKING QUESTIONS.

1. Why is everyone so fucking retarded?

This has to do with how they’re raised. Children are consistently told BLATANT FUCKING LIES because adults WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER don’t know THE CORRECT CUNTING ANSWER. This then translates to children who grow up to be adults who BELIEVE TOTAL FUCKING LIES AND PREACH IT AS IF IT WAS THE TRUTH.

2. What is the biggest lie that adults tell children and each other?

Ok, this answer will be CONTROVERSIAL. EVEN FOR ME. This is something which is fucking MASSIVE in the news lately. It’s a FUCKING HOT ISSUE. PEOPLE HAVE DIED OVER THIS. The lie is this: “I know what’s going on in Lost.” NO YOU FUCKING DON’T YOU STUPID LYING PRICK. YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW. STOP PRETENDING LIKE YOU FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING! This is a show that is produced by a man who thinks that CLONES ARE A FUCKING GOOD IDEA AS A PLOT DEVICE. THE MAN IS A FULL BLOWN FUCKING MENTAL RETARD. WITH FUCKING BELLS. BELLS ATTACHED TO HIS “I’M A BRAIN-DEAD JESTER” HAT. CUNT HAS BEEN LIED TO BY SO MANY PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE THAT EVEN HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN LOST. Pretending that you have THE SLIGHTEST FUCKING IDEA about what is going on in that show is a DAMNED LIE. YOU FUCKING KNOW IT, TOO, BUT YOU’RE IN DENIAL, LIKE YOU ARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS FOR THAT CUTE LITTLE BLONDE IN THE CORNER STORE WITH THE EYE-PATCH, TRACK MARKS, AND ONLY 3 TEETH LEFT (NONE OF WHICH ARE HERS).

3. If Internet Explorer is so broken, why do people use it?

Another misconception. Internet Explorer isn’t broken. It does EXACTLY what it was designed to do. Sadly it was designed by autistic monkeys who have been force-fed crack cocaine and LSD for 4 years, 8 months, 15 days, 16 hours, 23 minutes, and 42 seconds straight. And then beaten. With a giant rubber phallus. As a result, it’s a fucking miracle that it does anything remotely web-related, so QUIT YOUR FUCKING BITCHING AND JUST MARVEL IN THE MIRACLE THAT IS THE INFINITE MONKEY THEOREM.

4. What would happen if an unstoppable force ran into an immovable object?

Ok, this one is really easy. RAINBOWS HAPPEN. RAINBOWS AND UNICORN FARTS. AND MARGARET THATCHER FISTING MARTHA STEWART WITH A WHOLE FUCKING PIG. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN TWO IMPOSSIBLE THINGS COLLIDE. NEITHER OF THEM CAN FUCKING HAPPEN SO WONDERING WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IS SO CUNTING STUPID THAT YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY DESERVER TO LIVE.

5. In an infinite universe, surely an unstoppable force and an immovable object could exist

AARGH WERE YOU NOT FUCKING LISTENING TO A WORD I SAID? ARE YOU ILLITERATE? CAN YOU NOT READ THE WORDS I AM FUCKING TYPING YOU USELESS CUNT? JUST BECAUSE the universe is THEORETICALLY infinite DOESN’T MEAN THAT ANYTHING COULD OCCUR IN IT. EVEN IF IT DID, AND AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE RAN INTO AN IMMOVABLE OBJECT I DARE SAY THE OBJECT WILL BE MORE IMMOVABLE THAN THE FORCE UNSTOPPABLE. I say this because we have evidence that the force IS MOVING and as such must have STARTED somewhere, and if it STARTED then it can STOP. HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING OF COURSE.

BONUS QUESTION FROM GOOGLE SEARCH: “can you eat xerophile?”

Sure, why not? Eat it. FUCKING EAT IT ALREADY. If you want to know if you can SURVIVE eating a xerophile, then JUST FUCKING EAT IT AND FIND OUT FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY. YOU SHOULD ALSO MAKE SURE THAT THE TEST ISN’T FOR NOUGHT, AND MAKE SURE THAT YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY CHUGS IT DOWN LIKE THE SYPHILITIC WHORES THAT THEY ARE. If you DO die, and your entire FAMILY dies, then we could PROBABLY assume that it is not safe to eat a xerophile. If SOME of your family dies, then WE NEED MORE PROOF, AND THE REMAINDER OF YOUR FAMILY SHOULD KEEP EATING IT UNTIL THEY DO DIE. If NO-ONE DIES then it’s PROBABLY SAFE to eat, and you should find something that isn’t. LIKE BULLETS. AT HIGH SPEED. COVERED IN BACON-GREASE JUST SO YOU AN YOUR FUCKING HAM-BEAST FAMILY CAN WORK UP THE NECESSARY SALIVA TO GET YOUR MOUTHS OFF EACH OTHER’S INBRED FUCKING CUNT-POLES AND WRAP YOUR HERPES LIPS AROUND A FUCKING DOUBLE BARREL SHOT-GUN. I get the feeling that you’ll STILL manage to fuck it up, though, so perhaps just keep sticking your tongue in EVERY FUCKING THING THAT YOU CAN until SOMETHING does the gene pool a service by WIPING OUT EVERY FUCKING CUNT THAT CARRIES YOUR BLOOD.

I hope that that clears some stuff up for you LYING FUCKING CUNT-MUNCHERS.

Leave a Comment more...

Looking for something?

Use the form below to search the site:

Still not finding what you're looking for? Drop a comment on a post or contact us so we can take care of it!

Archives

All entries, chronologically...