The Daily Jerk

Improving things, like yourself, for my benefit. Yours too, I guess.

by on Jun.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Hello, how are you today?, STOP IT

I frequently hear the line on TV, in movies, on the internet, and from dickheads at parties, “Self improvement is masturbation, now self destruction…”. I never understood what it meant, and I would look it up on the internet, but I don’t care about the opinions of anyone who would discuss it. Everyone says that self improvement is a good thing, and my internet history will tell you that I sure love masturbation, so I guess we can’t go wrong there. I’m not certain exactly how masturbation is meant to improve your self, but I’m willing to find out through rigorous experimentation. It probably exercises your arm, so I guess that could be considered self improvement; good enough for me, at any rate. I’m still a bit concerned about the second part of the quote, especially as it isn’t complete. For now, let’s just ignore that, and focus on self improvement.

Now while I would sure love to write an entire post about masturbating, almost as much as you would love to read it, it is apparent that there are many other parts of the self that can’t be improved by touching myself. It is at this point that I would like to bring up another quote which gets passed around like marijuana at a party, or Miley Cyrus at a party; “help me, help you.” I particularly like this, as it signifies that we should all work together in order to make everything good for everyone. Once again, this doesn’t mean that everyone should participate in mutual masturbation, or even a dutch rudder arrangement. It means that I need you to help me with my self improvement. In turn, I will happily help you, by singling out areas in which you, yourself, can improve; no smelly hands required. Below are the areas of my self that I feel could use improving, and how I feel that you could help.

Money. Everyone needs money. Money literally makes the world go round. I was told as a child that God makes the world go round, and every time I went to church, everyone was chipping in to pay God; that is the only logical conclusion that I could make. I need money, and feel that personal wealth would be a great boon to my self esteem, and my happiness. So how can you help? By giving me money! I’m not asking for much, here. Every time you think about me, put aside some lose change for me. If you see me in the street, sling me a fiver. The real bonus with this one is that it helps us both learn a valuable lesson. I learn about the kindness of strangers, and you learn that material wealth isn’t as important as true happiness. Trust me, no-one is more truly happy than I am when you give me money. The lesson that you learn is almost important as the lesson that I will learn. I learnt that lesson a long time ago, as did people like Gandhi. It is only after you learn about the true nature of material wealth and happiness that you can finally accept it, and learn how to gain true happiness from material wealth.

Readers. If you are reading this, you no-doubt know the wonders of my writing. You know the insights, the highs, the humor which you can’t get from any other place. Why not share that with other people? I know that I would greatly benefit if I could touch the hearts, minds, and occasionally bodies, of even more people. This is another one which has benefit not just for me, but for many other people as well. Help to improve us all by sharing my words with your friends, colleagues, people you see on the street, other people on the internet. Anyone, really. I’m not fussy.

Spelling. As Professional Hatemonger is always so quick to spell out, I have difficulty spelling out words. Using a built in spell checker does help this somewhat, but occasionally I come across a word which it claims is spelled incorrectly. This is where you can help. If a word achieves much mainstream use, it will eventually have to be entered into dictionaries. Once it’s in dictionaries, then I can be happy that the words which I am using will no longer have squiggly red lines beneath them. Here are some words which are frequently marked as “incorrect”; words that you can help to make a difference on.

  • Cunt – By far one of my favorite words, but my spell checker frequently insists that it is spelled incorrectly.
  • Arse – The correct spelling, according to the Queen’s English. How often the Queen actually says ‘arse’ is anyone’s guess; I would like to think that behind closed doors, it is the majority of her vocabulary.
  • Cabbage – Okay, so this one is spelled correctly, but I merely want to change it to a swear word.
  • Hypodefenestration – The act of trying to throw something out of a window, but not putting enough energy into it so that it falls short or bounces off the glass. It’s pretty embarrassing.
  • Refenestration – The act of throwing something back into a window. Maybe you changed your mind or something.

With a little bit of help, I think that I should be able to write as a I feel, without being harassed by spell checkers.

Now I promised you that I would also point out some areas for you that I feel you could easily improve upon. These are just suggestions, so by all means don’t think that these are the only places in which you need to improve your life.

  • Monetary Wealth – You have too much of it, and it is clouding your judgement. You should give some to me, to show you the true importance of life.
  • Saying half a quote that you don’t quite understand in the hope that it will make you look intelligent – I hear a particular quote quite often from people on the internet, and at parties. It goes something like “Self improvement is masturbation, now self destruction…”, and every time I hear it, I feel like finishing the quote for them. The incomplete quite is rather meaningless, and when people say it, thinking that it has meaning, it just shows that they are faking it. For your own good, please stop doing this.
  • Spelling – Almost every single device on the internet has a spell checker these days. Back when text messages had limited characters, I could understand the need to shorten words. Now that you are back on the internet with a full keyboard, learn how to spell. Please, it’s for your own benefit, really. If u dont takl liek ths thn ppl wil want 2 tlk 2 u 2. It isn’t that hard, and the squiggly red lines aren’t meant to be a scoring system.
  • Entering usernames and passwords into applications which claim to tell you who has blocked you/is looking at your profile/thinks ur sExY lol – Once again, for your own good, and my sanity. Stop it. Every single one is a phishing scam, and even if they aren’t just assume that they are. Are you really that vain that you care who doesn’t want to listen to you talk? Do you want to exact some form of vengeance upon them for not caring about you? It won’t work, because they already don’t like you. Blocking them back won’t do anything.
  • Turning every list of “friends”, “followers”, etc. into a competition – It’s no good having 3000 followers if 1. they aren’t real people, and 2. none of them know or care about your opinion. If you genuinely have 3000 organic followers who are hanging off your every word, and really, really care about what you say, that’s great. If not, then you’re wasting everyone’s time.

That’s all for now. I hope that you take this advice and start working on your self improvement, and I sincerely hope you that you can help me with my own self improvement, too. Especially the money one.

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