The Daily Jerk

Oh look, I’m a nerd. Aren’t I so fucking trendy?

by on Jun.22, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

I understand your desire to be into things that everyone else finds uncool (no, I don’t; I never will, but I understand that you have this uncontrollable desire). I understand that for the history of science, being a nerd (or a geek, the distinction between which is sure to spark an outpouring of NERDRAGE) has been about the most unfashionable thing in existence. Until now.

Thanks to stupid fucking hipsters who think that being uncool is hip, we have over the last few years been subject to a concept known as “geek chic”. Apparently being awkward, having difficulty relating to people, and vision defects are cool now. WHO FUCKING KNEW?

Dickhead hipsters are now wearing THICK RIMMED GLASSES WITH 0 FUCKING PRESCRIPTION LENSES, LIKE THEY WANT TROUBLE SEEING TOO. They are constantly trying to figure out nerd fashion, like we all get together and fucking decide on what to wear. The majority of us wear (in this order) 1. things that we think are cool, with no thought about an overall “outfit”, and 2. WHATEVER THE FUCK IS CLOSEST WHEN WE GET DRESSED, BECAUSE, LET’S FACE IT, COMPUTERS DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU’RE AN IMPECCABLE DRESSER. The very act of TRYING to make a “geek fashion” is ENTIRELY MISSING THE FUCKING POINT. THERE IS NO FUCKING GEEK FASHION, JUST WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.

I can’t really fathom WHY people pretend to have fucking vision problems. This is a bit of a sticking point with me. I have bad eyesight, and let me tell you. It FUCKING SUCKS HUGE, SWEATY, HAIRY, DONKEY BALLS. The fact that you are PRETENDING that you can’t see properly without glasses is both CLINICALLY FUCKING RETARDED, and A GIANT KICK IN THE FUCKING EYEBALL FOR ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY NEEDS GLASSES TO SEE.

I DON’T FUCKING GET IT. I’M WAITING UNTIL CANCER BECOMES FASHIONABLE SO I CAN SHAVE MY HEAD, GET REALLY GAUNT, AND CONSTANTLY LOOK LIKE I’M ON THE VERGE OF DEATH. Oooh wowee! Next is FUCKING EBOLA. EVERY DAY I WILL POUR A HALF TONNE OF FAKE BLOOD UP MY ANUS SO THAT IT LOOKS LIKE I’M BLEEDING PAINFULLY, THAT’LL BE COOL!

My absolute favourite trend will be when people start STABBING THEMSELVES IN THE FACE IN ORDER TO END THEIR MISERABLE FUCKING LIVES. The emo “movement” was almost there, but everyone realised that rather than killing themselves, they COULD JUST CRY ABOUT THEIR PARENTS ON THE FUCKING INTERNET. OH WAH WAH FUCKING WAH, MY DADDY DIDN’T BUY ME A FUCKING PORCHE. I’LL HAVE TO DO WITH THIS FUCKING BMW. MY LIFE IS NOTHING BUT PAIN. EXPENSIVE, TRENDY, PAIN. I ALSO CAN’T AFFORD JEANS THAT FIT, BECAUSE I PAID THREE TIMES AS MUCH TO GET A PAIR THAT ARE TWO SIZES TOO SMALL AND ALREADY FUCKING TORN, SO THAT IT LOOKS LIKE I’M A STRUGGLING ARTIST. OF COURSE I’LL NEVER DO ANYTHING OF WORTH FOR SOCIETY, BUT DON’T I LOOK GOOD WHILE DOING IT?

Some people say that it’s mean, but I’m quite serious here when I say that if this, in any way, describes you; kill yourself. That is the ONLY fucking decent contribution you could make to society. Bonus points if you do it creatively (sky diving onto a piano-wire net strung taught above a crowded city street; a giant machine that tattoos your eye with an icepick and a sledge hammer; head-butting a Samoan; you get the idea)

Seriously, though. Stop pretending to be a nerd if you’re not willing to have a conversation about the benefits of using vi over emacs, or whether Kara Thrase is actually a cylon/human hybrid. If you didn’t understand either of those, then you can fuck off.

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