The Daily Jerk

Archive for July 21st, 2010

“No body likes you, everybody hates you, so shut the cunt up and get back in the hole” – excerpts from my best selling kids books

by on Jul.21, 2010, under Heroes, kids books, Sparkly fuckstains, Stories for children, Why can't I find a publisher?

“Who the fuck let you out?” screamed Miffy the bunny. “Whoever it was will have their face raped off by my daggercock hound, and he just got a sharpening.”

Miffy eyed the other Fluffy Friends suspiciously for a while, looking for the slightest flinch of betrayal, before turning back to her prisoner.

“You should know that there will be severe consequences for attempting to escape. You should know by now that you will never get out until I get what I want.”

Suddenly Miffy lashed out with her powerful back feet and tore a large gash in Snow White’s face.

“I don’t know who let you escape, but they’ll fucking regret it too, bitch. Now get back in the fucking hole before I tear out you r throat.”

With a final kick right in the ovaries, Snow White was pushed back into the hole.

—————————————

It had been three days since the orgy, and Peter Possum still couldn’t see straight.

“I shouldn’t have licked my semen back out of Helen Herpes’ cunt,” he thought to himself. “These scabs are really starting to affect my vision.”

—————————————

“Some things cannot be unseen,” sobbed little Timmy Parker, slowly raising the gun to his temple.

—————————————

“Man this heroin is top notch! We should have bought from Pastor Steve earlier!”

“Hugh blugh blugh,” murmured John.

“Oh man, are you wasted already? I guess that this is what I get for shooting up with fucking amateurs. If you OD, I’m not fucking taking you to the hospital, you cunt.”

—————————————

No-one answered the door. Billy didn’t really expect that anyone would any more. After the bomb went off, there were less and less living people around.

Those who survived the initial blast had been slowly dying from radiation poisoning. Survivors were rare, but he still knocked on doors just in case.

He jimmied the door open, thinking to himself “If they’re dead, then I need their stuff more than they do; if they’re not, then they will be soon enough.”

Billy remembered his father. He would probably never forget him; no-one ever forgot their first kill.

“The cunt had it coming, though. He never bought me the action man deluxe set.”

If he told himself that enough times he could almost bring himself to believe it. This was a fuck of a world to be a nine year old in.

—————————————

Edward sat around moping. Why did he even like her? She wasn’t that pretty, but there was just something about her that he couldn’t get over.

Maybe it was the neck brace, or maybe it was her down syndrome, or maybe it was just the fact that even if she could say “no”, she wouldn’t understand what was going on.

Whatever it was, Edward was fascinated with her, and tonight he intended to make her his.

He felt the sack cloth. Soft, yet strong. It shouldn’t catch on her brace, and should block out the light pretty well.

“I still have things to prepare, I should stop dawdling,” he thought to himself. He picked up the next knife and went back to the grinding stone.

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Nobody wants to see your “tits”

by on Jul.21, 2010, under Uncategorized

I am fairly certain that we all use the locker room at the gym for the same basic purpose,  getting dressed and undressed, maybe  a shower, usually as discreet as possible. So why the fuck do I keep walking in and seeing tits and/ or beef curtains?? Come on women of the gym have some fucking  modesty PLEASE. I wouldn’t be so offended if said “tits” were really “tits” not smashed bags of ass hanging from your chest. Would it really be that hard to turn your body around towards the locker and be ashamed of those warlocks???

Which brings me to my next point gym attire. Standard wear is shorts, pants, tee-shirt some kind of athletic shoe. NOT A VISOR OR HAT YOU ARE IN-fucking-DOORS YOU FUCKING IDIOT YOU ARE SAFE FROM THE EVIL SUN. I’m not really sure how you lift weights but when I do it doesn’t require a hat of any kind but then again I’m not a steroid  using CABBAGE TWAT DICK FUCK HOLE (I bet these types also own bedazzled Ed Hardy shirts).

Wait it seems my gym woes keep comming….here is another……Sure it is cool that you running on the treadmill  at 8.9mph (or kph for all you non americans) making your self look like heavy breathing, drolling, sweating DICK FACE not to mention all the the god damn noise you are making running on that machine so fast. Oh yeah and I’m sure you are getting one hell of a work out when you do that for 3 mins, are you trying to impress someone?? It really just makes me wish that you would fall over and eat shit (dog shit). Dog shit that a herpes infested hooker ate and then threw up…

ON TO MY FINAL POINT…..stop staring at one another in the mirrors…seriously it is just fucking creepy. Here I am minding my own business admiring my self in the mirror day dreaming in my own vain fantasy’s when I look over and see TWAT FACE on the bike watching me. Hello TWAT FACE DICK MOUTH aren’t you supposed to be working out or something just do what everyone else does and pretend to read the news ticker.

Let me sum it up for you.
Gym rules to live by…

  • Fucking cover your tits as soon as possible.
  • Do not wear hats in doors it makes me hate you. My opinion is the only one that matters.
  • Work out at your normal level because show offs deserve to eat dog shit.
  • DO NOT BE FUCKING CREEPY!!!!!!!

the end

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