The Daily Jerk

Archive for July 28th, 2010

Live every day like it’s your last

by on Jul.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, how are you today?, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, The one who calls wolf quite often

That’s the advice you’ll get from me! Live EVERY DAY like it’s your last day alive! Don’t hold back, just do it! You might die today, and have all these things left undone. It will torment you forever!

So it is all well and good to talk about living every day like it’s your last, but what does it really mean? Well that depends on how you want to be remembered. Do you want everyone to remember you fondly, and gather around occasionally to share the good memories? Well in that case, you need to die from a horrible terminal disease. Current popular ways to die are AIDS, cancer, or pretty much anything which is gradual, painful death. This gives people a chance to gather around you, while making it difficult for you to ruin the happy image that you want people to remember by being, well, you.

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t have the AIDS! How am I meant to pull this off?”

Well the answer is simple. Stay in bed all day, refuse to eat, and take heavy pain killers. You will develop a sickly pallor, be very vague, and lose muscle mass. Tell everyone that you don’t want to cause a fuss to anyone, least of all the medical system. The longer you are in this state, the more people will talk about how strong you are, fighting off the horrible disease. Of course, if you stick around too long, people will start to wonder. They will try to bring in nurses and doctors; after a while you won’t be able to turn them down, as you won’t have much of an idea what is going on any more. If this eventually happens, it is probably best to wander off while no-one is looking, and try to start a new life somewhere else. You could also try the miraculous recovery route, which lets you move into all sorts of fields like motivational speaking.

What if you don’t really care how people remember you? Well do I have the plan for you! You see, there is a little thing in this world called inhibition. It’s what stops you from doing what you want when you want. It’s what keeps you afraid that tomorrow will be another day, and that you will have to live through it. Happily, when you are living your final day, this inhibition is pretty useless, meaning that you can do whatever you want. So when you are living like it’s the last day you’ll be alive, all you have to do is drop all inhibitions. At a bakery? Think that eating four meat pies, three doughnuts, and a half-dozen caramel slices might not be a good idea? Well just go for it! You won’t be alive tomorrow to regret it!

Don’t have the money to pay for all of it? Who cares! Punch the baker in the face, and take keep eating. There’s no need to run away, or rob them, because you won’t be alive tomorrow. Just keep doing whatever you want. It doesn’t matter! After this, you should go to the pub. Have a few drinks, and pay for nothing. You’ll probably be dead tomorrow, so you are just trying to make the most of the limited time you have left. Who cares it it is 10AM? If it’s later, then you are already wasting your precious time.

Once you are drunk, that should help you to drop the last few inhibitions that you may be holding on to. Track down any girls (or boys) that you ever had a thing for. This is the last day you will have a chance, so you better not waste it! Remember to shout “Surprise!” when they see you, and if you still have clothes on at this point, then that’s more time wasted.

Call everyone who cares about you, and tell them exactly how you feel. It doesn’t matter if you make them cry, because they are fat and deserve to know it, besides they’ll be the only ones around to feel like jerks tomorrow; this is the last day that you are alive! Call the step father who touched you at night; tell him that you had herpes then, and he has it now. Call your mother and tell her that she ruined your life for not getting you that ultra-deluxe BMX when you were seven. Today is all about you, because this is the absolute last day you’ll get to live!

That is what it means to live every day like it’s your last. Of course, you will wake up the next day, but you just have to keep doing the same thing. You probably won’t be alive for much longer anyway.

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