The Daily Jerk

Cutting through the Australian political parties

by on Jul.07, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, how are you today?, Illuminati, My skepticisim isn't the slightest bit dogmatic - how dare you, Skeptic logic is infallible, Spill, TRUTH

There is much talk in Australia about how we have a “two party” system. This doesn’t mean that there are only two parties, only that there are only two parties which actually have a chance to win. There are heaps of boutique, or specialist parties. Usually single issue, or single point-of-view parties which, if they ever got into power would invariably fuck everything up, and STILL wouldn’t get around to acting on any of their policies.

There are, in fact, about five major parties now. So with the likely upcoming election, how do we know who to trust with our votes? The simple answer is no-one, but sadly they never have a “total anarchy” option on the ballots. Today, I’ll give you a run down of the major parties, and why none of them can be trusted. Hopefully this will help you to figure out which one you least want to be in power, thus allowing you to figure out the correct order for you r preferences.

The Liberal Party

The Liberal Party is horribly named. They are easily one of the most conservative parties around, believing that the only liberties people should have is to be allowed to pick which horrible employment situation to sign their lives to. They are currently in opposition, after eleven years of iron-fisted justice. Their key policies seem to be:

  • You have no rights.
  • OK, you have one right. The right to have no other rights.
  • OK, that is more of a responsibility than a right.
  • Maybe responsibility is the wrong word. It still makes it sound like you have a choice.

The National Party

Again, this is a horribly named party. They seem to have the least spread out of any of the major parties. To my knowledge, they exist only in Adelaide these days, and that probably won’t last there long. They are the smaller part of a loose coalition with the Liberal party, which just goes to show how much of the nation they care about. They may have policies, but no-one is ever quite sure. Usually, I think their policy is just to oppose everything that Labor says.

The Labor Party

The Labor party, apart from being misspelled, is also misnamed. As a party who you would assume would approve of labour, they strongly opposed the introduction of legal slaves through the previous government’s “Work Choices” legislation. Once a party leaning to the political left, Labor abandoned this when they realised that being evil was more fun. In recent times, they have been playing a game of musical chairs for the leader’s position, which brings some credibility back as the only group to at least take the “Party” part seriously. They are keen gymnasts, with the ability to both back-flip constantly, and to bend over backwards in order to please investors. Their current policies include:

  • Reducing Australia’s carbon emissions by taxing emission producers.
  • Subsidising large emission producers so that the tax doesn’t affect their profit margins.
  • Tax mining companies to pay for the subsidies to large polluters.
  • Talk to mining companies about only taxing parts of their business which affect smaller companies, who aren’t consulted.
  • Filter the Internet to stop bad things from happening for everyone.
  • Speed up Internet speeds so that access speeds aren’t that much slower than they are now when the Internet filter is introduced.

Family First

The Family First party are against all types of family. The current theory holds that their name doesn’t mean that policies should help the family first, but that families should be against the wall. They are strongly opposed to talking about sex, thinking about sex, having sex (unless married), people getting married (gays only), and gays having families. They are largely a conservative Christian party, which is nice that they declare it, but does kind of defenestrate the idea of “separation between church and state”. They are still only a minor party, but they are outspoken, so I feel that it is fair to include them in this list. Their current policies seem to be:

  • Gays are bad
  • Sex before marriage is bad
  • Heathens are probably gay, so they’re bad.
  • Gays would have the same rights as regular people if they were in fact people, and not some demon spawn from hell.
  • Pornography is evil spawn of the devil and should be outlawed.

The Green Party

The first thing you need to know about the Green Party is that they are led by a man named Brown. This the the type of serious position they take to politics. As a running party, they have long been the punch line for many jokes along the lines of “Well who are you going to vote for? The Greens? Ha ha ha!”. They are outspoken about their policies, which seem to be “Oppose everything everyone does, because it’s not good enough”, and “Why can’t we all just get along, man?”. They are one of those parties what everyone says they would vote for if they thought they could ever win a seat, a common statement which has always struck me as being completely contrary to logic. The greens aren’t a particularly evil party, but everyone seems afraid to vote them in because no-one can be that good all the time. What if the time when they snap is the one time that they actually have the power to have a say? As the saying goes, “Better the darlings you love, than letting them into you r house for the night”.

I hope that this helps you to make up you r mind about which party least deserves you r vote. It doesn’t really matter though, because things like the coalition takes all the power out of you r hands anyway.

Happy voting!

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7 comments for this entry:
  1. Professional Hatemonger

    The thing that amuses me the most about the coalition is that even with two parties they still can’t retain power. Of course that is mainly because even the party leader can’t retain power, so what hope do they have! CABBAGE

    Labor is so enamored with the SHAGPILE opposition they do all they can to become them, including stealing their policies and following their lead on the game of musical leaders.

    Where is the Monster Raving Loony Party when you need them? At least they’re upfront about what they stand for.

  2. cosmicharade

    If it’s so bad, what are you doing about it? Nothing like an armchair politician demanding of the few who still bother to be involved in politics. Which party are you a member of?

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