The Daily Jerk

Monarchy for the modern age

by on Jul.22, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, Royalty, Stories for children

Do we still need a queen? Are we be a better country because oh the monarchy? Are the royals really that useful any more? These are questions which show up every now and then, and no-one ever has an answer. The problem is that no-one is quite sure what the royals are for.

They used to be rulers, but now there’s an elected government that does that. They’re even less relevant here in Australia where they are still our royal family, but never set foot in our country. We have a family whose sole purpose is to sit around, be aloof, and steal helicopters. The only royal who ever actually did anything was married into the family, and couldn’t even handle a high-speed collision with a wall.


People don’t want to get rid of the royal family, though. They’ve been there for as long as anyone can remember, and really they’re the only thing separating us from becoming America. What we do need, though, is a better breed of royal. We need to reverse the inbreeding that has resulted in two princes who look more like Ron Weasley than any Disney prince ever did. We need to bring some manliness, some rough-and-tumble, some facial hair (Queen, excepted) back into the royal family. We need monarchs for the modern age.

I envisage my perfect King to be a kind of Die Hard, Bruce Willis type. Making wise cracks while kicking arse. The kind of king who would go to America and kick their arse for ruining the language. I think he also needs some lasers. Maybe even a cool car.

The Queen should be a motherly, but still kinda hot. I want my queen to make witty comments that put politicians in their place. She should care about the good of the people, and also be a rally driver. That would give her an excuse to travel the globe to exotic locations, and conquer them all with a sweet four wheel drift. Oh, and she should be able to make things explode just by looking at them.

The princes should be great guys who loved nothing more than hanging out with the lads, and flying helicopters. The current princes are kind of like this, but maybe we could change their hair colour to a more manly black, or dark brown. Oh, and wherever they go, they should have free beer. They’ll also give every guy they meet free money, and a cool car. They won’t need to give women anything because they’ll faint as soon as one of the princes smiles. Also, it would be cool if the princes were half robot.

The princess should be an expert at karate, because she constantly has to fight off ninjas. She’s also really good at computers, and acting. She should play bass, and have a bunch of tattoos. She can also do a back flip, and does whenever anyone asks, even if she’s just done a back flip. It would be really cool if she could shoot fire out of her eyes when she gets angry, or like, sees a kitten in trouble.

I think that this is pretty much the best royal family you could ever get, and I think that if we all chipped in a few dollars, we could totally set this up. The royal’s time has come, and now is time for the Super Royal Action Force EXTREME. Also, if anyone spells it “X-TREME”, then the Queen will crush their head between her thighs. No-one will ever be sure if it is meant to be a reward or a punishment, and she’ll never say.

Oh, and the King will decree that cabbage is now the dirtiest of swear words in all languages ever. Then he’ll release a number one world wide hit where he just screams “CABBAGE” at the top of his lungs until people’s brains explode.

I wonder if Kim Jong Il is free…

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