The Daily Jerk

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A wise man once said you were a cunt.

by on Jul.20, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

I am all for quotes. If someone says something witty, deep, profound, whatever, then it’s only natural for people to want to share the insight. I like quotes. I DON’T like stupid cunts who don’t properly attribute quotes. I hate it when they try to pretend that they came up with the insight on their own. You obviously aren’t that deep, or even particularly likeable. Stop fucking doing it, you shit burger.

Not attributing a quote isn’t the worst part, though. People can still ask “Who said that?”, which both forces the quoter to divulge their source, and also subtly calls them out as a useless pile of human excrement. No, the one that really gets to me is when people quote fictional characters as if they came up with the line themselves.

The quote came from a CHARACTER. They DO NOT EXIST. Quoting them as if what they say has a DEEP MEANING IN THIS WORLD IS JUST FUCKING RETARDED, BECAUSE THEY DO NOT EXIST IN THIS FUCKING WORLD. THE QUOTE WAS WRITTEN BY A WRITER, YOU FUCKING STINKING SEMEN STAIN. BUZZ LIGHT YEAR DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. JUST BECAUSE HE SAYS “TO INFINITY AND BEYOND” DOESN’T MEAN THAT IT HAS ANY FUCKING RELEVANCE TO ANYTHING EVER. IT’S TOTAL FUCKING NONSENSE. YOU CAN’T GO TO INFINITY, IT’S NOT A FUCKING PLACE. YOU SURE AS FUCK CAN’T GO BEYOND INFINITY, BECAUSE THEN IT’S OBVIOUSLY NOT FUCKING INFINITE THEN.

I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK THAT IT’S SOMEHOW INSPIRING THAT A FICTIONAL TOY HAS NO GRASP ON THE CONCEPT OF INFINITY, YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT. STOP QUOTING IT, THINKING THAT IT FUCKING WELL MEANS ANYTHING. IT DOESN’T, YOU HOPELESS FUCKING SHIT HEEL.

Even this isn’t the worst thing that people do though. The worst one, the absolute STAB YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING EYE WITH A RUSTY PENIS one is when someone ATTRIBUTES A QUOTE FROM A FICTIONAL CHARACTER TO THE ACTOR WHO PORTRAYED THEM. I can’t get my head around it. Sure, the actor TECHNICALLY said it, but IT STILL ISN’T THEIR FUCKING INSIGHT, AND IT STILL DOESN’T FUCKING APPLY TO THE REAL WORLD BECAUSE THEY WERE SAID AS A FUCKING CHARACTER IN A FICTIONAL PIECE OF WORK. OH, PLEASE FUCKING KILL YOURSELF BEFORE YOU ATTRIBUTE ANY MORE QUOTES TO JOHNNY DEPP, OR HEATH LEDGER, OR BRAD FUCKING PITT.

I AM GLAD THAT YOU FUCKING GET THE POINT THAT TYLER DURDEN ISN’T A REAL PERSON, NOT EVEN IN THE FICTIONAL WORLD, BUT THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MEAN THAT EVERY LINE HE SPOUTS CAN BE ATTRIBUTED TO BRAD FUCKING PITT, YOU FUCKING STUPID, DELUDED CUNT. JUST FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY, OK? I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. I DON’T WANT TO READ IT ON FACEBOOK, AND EVERYONE WHO FOLLOWS IT UP WITH COMMENTS ABOUT “HOW TRU” OR HOW IT INSPIRES YOU, CAN FUCKING CHOKE ON A GIANT PAIR OF SWEATY FUCKING TESTICLES. I FUCKING HATE YOU, AND YOU ALL DESERVE TO DIE.

You can fucking quote me on that.

CABBAGE.

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Voting with your heart

by on Jul.19, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, Pirates, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH

Over the weekend, most people here in Australia would have been made aware of an impending election. This shouldn’t really come as a surprise  to them though, as it is something that happens every 3 years or so. In a previous post, I covered the major political parties, and why you shouldn’t vote for any of them. Seeing as adding your own candidate, or marking a “None of the above” choice isn’t allowed in this country, I felt that it was time to explore which candidates you SHOULD consider voting for in this crap-shoot of awful politicians. There are only three major players worth noting. I’m not telling you which one to vote for, because I think that they’re all a useless bunch of cunts, but hopefully I can help one of them to capture your heart.

Julia GillardJulia Gillard - Taking heart theft seriously

If you believe the hype, Julia Gillard is the candidate who is meant to steal your heart. I, of course, plan to take this literally. and am rather scared of her. She is currently leading the country after killing deposing Kevin Rudd. She is female, which means that feminists everywhere make a huge deal about her. For some reason being the first female prime minister is a bigger deal than being the elected prime minister, but if she’s successful in the next few months, then I guess she’ll be both. This attitude is also kind of degrading to all of the other women in politics because it’s just telling them that being a woman in power is more important than being a good politician or doing a good job. The logic here has always escaped me, but that is probably a rant for another time.

The other inescapable thing about Julia Gillard is how much her nose looks like a shark. I’m not saying this to be mean, not that she would ever read this blog; it’s just a casual observance, like how everyone ever realises that Sarah Jessica Parker looks a whole heap like a horse, and has never actually been hot. If anything, looking like a shark could work to her advantage, as people are afraid and respectful of sharks. In terms of political action, she’s doing her absolute best to reverse all the policies that made Kevin Rudd unpopular, in the hope that it will make people like her. The fear angle would probably work better. Anyway, you should vote for her if:

  • The idea of an elected female is more important to you than a good leader.
  • You vote labor every time anyway because that’s what your parents did.
  • You are scared of sharks, and think that keeping them happy is the best way of keeping them away.
  • You are an executive of a mining company.
  • You really enjoyed the movie Jaws.

Tony Abbot

Tony Abbot is leading the opposition. Leader is perhaps a bit of a strong term, as it implies that he has a plan, solid opinions, and anyone would actually want to follow him. This isn’t to say that he’s without principals. He has plenty of principals, but none of them are particularly useful for running a country, at least not one in the 21st century. He loves to tell everyone about how he is manly, and how he knows best for women, children, and pretty much everyone. In terms of self righteousness, he can mix it with the best of them, which is pretty standard in most politicians. The difference with Abbot is that while most politicians at least pretend to craft their opinions to match popular opinion, he just spouts whatever idea pops into his head, no matter if it is popular or not. He mixes the smugness of Kevin Rudd with the “never say sorry” attitude of John Howard, then wraps it up with some exotic birds in tight underwear. You should vote for Tony Abbot if:

  • You know best, no matter what anyone else says.
  • You think that speedos should be part of the national dress.
  • You always vote Liberal, just because.
  • You believe that everyone else should hold your morals, no matter what.

Bob Brown

Bob Brown leads the Greens. This is a party which doesn’t field enough candidates to ever hold power. They are, however, the largest of the minor parties, and usually hold enough seats so that they can carry or block any contentious piece of proposed legislation. As such, while they have no power to introduce any of their own policies, the two major parties usually have to play nice by the Greens in order to get things done. Because they will never be the leading party, they can happily offer policies which are popular in theory, but would piss off a lot of people if they were ever made law. It’s probably not necessarily a bad thing if those people get pissed off, but it doesn’t make for a sustainable country. Vote for Bob Brown if:

  • You eventually decided to stop supporting the major parties directly.
  • You want your vote to count a little bit more than if you voted for the Sex Party.
  • You love all that hippy crap.
  • You love to feel good about yourself, but are afraid of any real change.

I hope that this helps you decide better how to waste cast your vote. All the candidates are pretty bad, so it’s pretty much like picking turds out of a barrel. No matter which one you ultimately pick you’re still holding a handful of crap, and that can’t be sanitary.

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Marketing blogs like someone else sells stuff that’s not blogs

by on Jul.16, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Hello, how are you today?

Today I am going to borrow a marketing ploy from Old Spice. For people who don’t hold with this whole “Internet” thing, they’ve been making short videos for people who talk to them. It works because it’s INTERACTING with your AUDIENCE.

Well today, I put out a call to the people to ask them to ask me things, and I would provide them with personalised posts. Well it appears that everyone is a bunch of total cunts, and didn’t want me to single them out. Perhaps this is because they thought that I would just call them a bunch of cunts, or perhaps it’s because everyone just thought someone else would do it, I don’t know. In response, however, I have decided to pick random tweets off the Internet, and respond to them. They are not my audience, so they probably won’t appreciate being called cunts, either. Oh well, at least I’m not losing readers out of it!

@Angry_Drunk says: OMFG! iOS 4.0.1 has stopped the flow of oil into the Gulf! Kudos Apple.

Well, Angry Drunk, I believe that the flow of oil into the gulf was quite possibly actually a product of Apple. You see, Apple manufactures things which are largely made of plastic. Unbeknownst to many people, plastic is made, in part, from oil. Sure, some people will tell you that it grown on trees, but those people are fucking idiots, who have never seen real trees. They can’t be helped. So the problem is that Apple wanted more oil, so BP tried to rescue the oil from the depths of the ocean floor. This is less like Aqua Man than it sounds. Long story short, unless the cap was actually made out of iphones, and the latest firmware update somehow MAGICALLY gave them oil-blocking properties, you are a fucking idiot. Nothing personal, because I don’t know you, but twitter tells me that you are popular. Ish.

@Esther_P says: first all why is every thing tweeting twice and 2nd of all did julia gillard really call the election?

Well Esther, I am glad that of all the problems in your life, the most pressing one is everything tweeting twice. While you could be worrying about the soon to be massive pile of student debt that you are amassing, or the fact that some stranger on the Internet picked up your tweet, and from that has decided to call you a vapid cunt, you are instead worrying about the well being of the website, twitter. Perhaps you aren’t really that vapid. This, of course, is followed up by your second most pressing concern; did Julia Gillard call an election. It is good to see that you, an all round great gal are worried about politics as well as websites, even if only so you can find something appropriate to wear. Why, a quick look at your stream gives us such insights into your nature. “cancer really blows” you mused, and “i think i may be a snob?”. Oh how we laughed!

Anyway, you’re a vapid cunt.

@velisyajane says: #nowplaying 21 guns-greenday

Well thank you, Velisya Jane, for sharing with us what you are listening to. I don’t really care, though, because I’m not listening to it. I didn’t ask you what you were listening to, because I can’t hear it, although I’m sure that if you are on public transport, everyone else sitting around you can hear it. Tweets like this are a largely pointless waste of space, and I hate you.

@_glossolalia_ says: Iefu squeankostrai iecri estrectooshi ispoo driell! #sheliedtoyou#agoodrelationship#thistweetisdedicated2

Dear glossolalia. You make a valid point. Go forth, brave soldier.

OK, that about wraps it up. I’ve always wanted to say that, and other than the intended meaning (FUCK OFF, I HATE YOU, AND YOU’RE KEEPING ME FROM MY CAVIAR, COCAINE, AND POOL FULL OF MONEY), I’m not aware that it has any ACTUAL meaning. Enjoy your weekend, you fucking cunts.

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You dang-nab pirates be stealin’ all me flickies! You kids ain’t got no respect!

by on Jul.15, 2010, under CABBAGE, Hello, Ol' Grand-pappy, Pirates

Whelll-ee boy-o! I dun gone figured you out! You kids been stealin’ all me flickies on them thar internets, and I won’t stand for it no more, I won’t! Ol’ Grand-pappy Copyright Law here, and I says you gots to stop pilferin’ me flickies and me audio-maticals or all me friends dun gone be broke and all des-tee-tuted.

I don’t know where you pirates came from, but I don’t like you, not one bit. I don’t hold with this internetty thingy, and I don’t think you kids got no respect no more for what I thinks. Well, dang-nab-it! I’m gunna have me mah say, and you darn kids ain’t gunna do nothin’ about it! You are gunna set your buts down, and listen to what I has ta say, allright?

Allright. Wells I been around fer a long time, an I gone done good by the people who done make stuff. I may be old, but I thinks I’m still sharp. Ya see, th’ problem ain’tn’t that I’m out of touch, but that you done gone be usin’ things what I don’t know how to use, and I think you oughtta stop it. All you kids on your internets and your mobile tele-whatsits and your gosh darn portable music boxes. Well mah friends down at the music and the flickies in-dust-rees done told me that they is all about broke cause you darn kids been not listenin to mah advice.

I asked them about tha billions o’ dollars they still be gettin’ but they tells me that they really is quite broke. Well as I see it, it’s ’bout time I stepped in and made sure you kids done been playin by tha rules here. Why if you be gettin’ things without all the ad-vertis-ments, and bein’ able to watch them wherever you want, then how ever’s all mah friends that owns all the music and tha flickies meant to make them billions? You see, they’s got to control hows you see their stuff so they can gets all the moneys that they can for it. If you kids are gunna keep going ’bout takin’ things and usin’ them how you want just cause you paid for them, y’all will miss all the extra bits which is how all the com-pan-ee friends o’ mine is meant to get more money from y’all.

That ain’tn’t fair now is it? I means, when you sells your truck, you don’t want no stinkin’ varmint which buys is to go all abouts usin’ it to get to church, as well as workin’ on his thar ranch. He’s gots to get hisself a church car for church. And what if he dun gone removed your pic-i-chure from the sun visers just cause he don’t have no more need to remember who he gots his truck from? Well I says he should have to look at your pic-i-chure and any other which what you says he should look at, especially other trucks you’s got for sale.

Weelll, boy-o, that’s what you bin’ done doin’ to mah in-dust-ree friends, over thar. I says it ain’t fair cause they solds it to you, so you gots to use it as they solds it.

You kids better learn you some respect real quick-smart, or I’m gunna whump ya. Now GIT!

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Rewarding the useless for accidentally being less so.

by on Jul.14, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, Spill, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

We are living in a brave new world! Apparently the thing being called “The biggest environmental disaster of our century” (which personally I think of as both very optimistic, and a brilliant challenge) has been stopped, with BP capping the well! Let us all sing their praises and shower them with consumerism, to reward them for doing for taking several months to fix a problem that should never have happened in the first place! AREN’T THEY JUST THE BEST?

While we’re at it, we should meet our carbon reduction targets by letting everyone carry on business as usual, and only rewarding (by way of tax cuts) those businesses who actually try to do anything. THIS IS A PREFECT IDEA WHICH CANNOT HELP BUT SUCCEED. WHY WE’LL MAKE THOSE BUSINESSES SO KEEN FOR TAX CUTS THAT THEY’LL BE FIGHTING AMONGST THEMSELVES TO BE THE MOST “GREEN”! THIS PLAN IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FLAWLESS!

Apparently some people don’t understand when I’m being sarcastic, so this is especially for you, cosmicharade (and others).

I WAS BEING FUCKING SARCASTIC YOU USELESS, MOUTH BREATHING, HAM BEASTS! I DO THAT HERE. THAT’S PRETTY MUCH WHAT THIS SITE IS FOR. SORRY TO TEAR DOWN THE FOURTH FUCKING WALL HERE, BUT SERIOUSLY ARE YOU CUNTS THAT FUCKING STUPID?

So applauding BP is fucking retarded. They fucked up, failed to fix it for THREE FUCKING MONTHS, and now that the EVENTUALLY HAVE, they are some kind of fucking heroes? YOU BEST BE FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU CUNTS. IF SOMEONE SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE WITH A CROSSBOW THEN DECIDED TO SPEND THREE MONTHS “EXPERIMENTING” ON DIFFERENT WAYS OF HOW TO GET THE ARROW OUT, WHEN THEY FINALLY DID YOU STILL WOULDN’T BE FUCKING THANKING THEM. YOU ARE FORGETTING THE PART WHERE THEY SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE, AND COMPLETELY IGNORING THE THREE MONTHS OF DICKING THE FUCK AROUND. FOCUSING ON THE FACT THAT THEY EVENTUALLY FIXED IT DOES NOT NEGATE ALL THE FUCKING DAMAGE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED IF YOU THINK THAT IT DOES.

Rewarding people for doing what they’re meant to do is fine, IF THEY DO IT RIGHT, AND IN A TIMELY FUCKING MANNER. If the person shooting you with a crossbow did it accidentally, and immediately called an ambulance to have the arrow extracted properly, that might be forgivable. If they do it without laughing at the fact that you have a fucking arrow in your face, then you might even call their quick action commendable. If they insisted on doing it themselves, and fucking around with it in the process, THEN THEY SHOULDN’T BE REWARDED FOR FUCKING WELL EVENTUALLY GETTING IT RIGHT.

The same goes for the fucking business leaders who think that JUST BECAUSE there is a new prime minister, that you should be FUCKING REWARDED for doing the bare minimum, and left alone if you don’t fucking well do that. Here’s a carbon reduction policy for you:

Subsidise businesses in their attempts to use cleaner, renewable energy, and better, more efficient processes. Do this so that they aren’t put out of business trying to get up to spec. Pay for it by TAXING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ANY BUSINESS WHO DOESN’T MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE FUCKING BETTER. Don’t give breaks to big polluters because they’re nice guys, TAX THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THEM UNTIL THEY FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE MORE FUCKING EFFICIENT.

If a company really doesn’t care enough to change and contribute, THEN THEY’LL PROBABLY DIE IN A PIT OF UNPAID TAX. Of course, this will affect employment, but I’ve got that covered, too. HIRE MORE PEOPLE WORKING LESS HOURS, WHICH WILL BE SUSTAINABLE DUE TO THE SAVINGS MADE ON THE NEW FOUND EFFICIENT PROCESSES. YOU COUPLE PROBABLY AFFORD TO PAY EVERYONE MORE, TOO. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. IT’S ECONOMICS. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ECONOMICS, AND I’VE ALREADY COME UP WITH SOLUTIONS. IF I CAN DO IT, SURELY SOMEONE WHO’S JOB IT IS COULD FUCKING DO IT, AND I’LL BET THEY WANT A FUCKING PAT ON THE HEAD FOR DOING IT TOO.

So, in conclusion: Rewarding people for eventually undoing their own stupidity? Fucking retarded. Rewarding people for changing for the better, while ignoring people who aren’t contributing? Fucking cunt move. Calling me an armchair politician because I haven’t fixed the entire fucking world already? Just fucking shoot yourself.

Fuck you, cunts.

Cabbage.

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My Torment: hearing computer jargon get butchered on films and television.

by on Jul.13, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It bugs me, OK? If you have a main character who is meant to be a computer wiz, then it stands to reason that they should seem like they know something about computers. Happily, script writers have realised that, and fill characters’ speech with junk jargon, stringing together buzz-words, and the occasional terms which have hit main-stream popularity. Sadly, they never check with any actual nerds to find out if what is being said makes even THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF FUCKING SENSE.

Once, people thought it gave credibility to a character if they mention google. Now it’s myspace, facebook, or youtube. Whatever is popular. If they’re a hard-core hacker, then they’ll “know unix”, or will “de-fragment the mainframe to reverse the IP polarity, and use that to back-door through the firewall so they can crack the encryption on the database password, thus letting us ftp into the suspect’s computer remotely and read their files.”

It makes no fucking sense. FUCKING NONE. YET SOME STUPID CUNT RECOGNISES “DE-FRAGMENT”, “FIREWALL”, AND “ENCRYPTION”, AS COMPUTERY WORDS, SO IT’S ALL FUCKING OK THEN, ISN’T IT?

It doesn’t stop there, either. Almost every TV show or movie in history that has a “computer wiz” has shown a process of “ENHANCE THE PHOTO”, like it’s something that can be fucking done in seconds on ANY OLD FUCKING COMPUTER, WITH ONLY A FEW FUCKING TYPED COMMANDS. PROCESSING POWER, INTERFACE, AND PHYSICAL CAPABILITY BE DAMNED. PLOT IS MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT. ONE OF THESE DAYS I’LL BUILD A PROGRAM WHICH “ENHANCES” PHOTOS BY RECREATING THEM AS FUCKING GOATSE. SEE HOW YOU CUNTS FUCKING LIKE IT THEN.

Computers aren’t the only victim to useless cunts who think that faking it badly can get you through. The other big one is music. Violins and guitar in particular. The concept should be pretty simple. Move fingers or hands when notes change, and if you pluck a string with your finger in different places, you should be able to tell the difference between high and low notes. EVERY TIME I SEE SOMEONE BADLY FAKING A GUITAR SOLO BY MOVING THEIR HAND AROUND LIKE A RETARDED, COKED OUT MONKEY, I AM A LITTLE HAPPIER BECAUSE AT LEAST THEY’VE REALISED THAT “FAST BIT MEANS HAND MOVES”. THE CUNTS WHO ARE STILL PRETENDING TO PLAY CHORDS THAT DON’T EXIST CAN FUCK OFF THOUGH. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU TAKE ONE FUCKING LESSON, AND AT LEAST UNDERSTAND THE BASICS OF THE INSTRUMENT? IF YOU ARE A MAIN CHARACTER, AND PLAYING GUITAR OR VIOLIN IS A BIG PART OF YOUR SCHTICK, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LEARN HOW TO FUCKING HOLD THE THING PROPERLY? EVERY TIME YOU DON’T YOU ARE JUST MAKING EVERY MUSICIAN WATCHING HATE YOU JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.

Some movies get it right. They make the actors ACTUALLY LEARN HOW TO PLAY, EVEN IF HORRIBLY. That’s all I ask. You are getting paid fuck loads of money, so just pretend like you care about what you’re doing on screen more than you care about which small Moroccan boy you’ll snort your next line off the butt crack of.

I know that some people think that it isn’t worth much to make these small things right, but just imagine if they let everything go as badly as they let these two areas. Imagine if in “Julie and Julia” the main character (one of them) threw a live chicken into a deep fryer, and called it lightly poached. No-one would buy it, but that’s exactly what is happening every time a movie hacker “re-routes the USB signal to the Wifi multiplexer, before getting tracked by a TRACER TEE!”

Just because you vapid cunts don’t understand what you’re saying doesn’t mean that it makes technical sense. Fuck off and die.

Or I’ll hack all your IPs into the modem and re-boot the registry engine device. Remotely.

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The Patriot Act (Acting like you’re patriotic, when you’re really a cunt)

by on Jul.12, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It is said that there is a fine line between patriotism and being a cunt. I think that is bullshit, because it’s perfectly easy to like, love, and support your country without being an ignorant pile of anal leakage. In fact, I find that feeling patriotic is quite far removed from feeling like plastering your car with bumper stickers shouting the slogans “Australia: Love it or leave it”, or the ever witty “Fuck off, we’re full”.

There is a difference there. There are a few differences, actually, but the main one is that if you have the bumper stickers mentioned above, you are most likely a FUCKING USELESS BOGAN CUNT. The most hilarious part of this is that the proud bearers of the “Fuck off, we’re full” slogan, often have NO CONTROL OVER HOW MANY SHIT STAINED CUNT-BEASTS THOSE USELESS MAGGOTY FUCKS SPIT OUT. Apparently, despite our vast brown lands, we have absolutely no-where to fit even our measly sum of just over 20 million people. Any more useful members to society will just have to fuck off again, so that there’s enough room for us to spit out hundreds of under-educated, spin swallowing, watchers of A Current Affair. If we don’t stem the flow of trained migrants, there may not be enough jobs left to say we applied for on the Centrelink forms.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the JOBS that are the problem. No-one wants to DO the jobs. Getting some dirty migrant to actually WORK these jobs is largely a good call. The problem is that if the jobs get FILLED, then what are we going to apply for each fortnight? Jobs that we might actually be suited to? That would mean that we might GET the jobs, which would mean that we can’t be on Centrelink any more.

It’s this kind of rampant stupidity which I detest. I don’t HATE our country at all. I really genuinely love it, and know that I have a much better way of life than the vast majority of the rest of the world. I hate some (not all) of the inhabitants of this country, and that’s not the slightest bit unpatriotic. It’s just hating STUPID FUCKING CUNTS WHO KEEP SCREWING IT UP FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

It’s easy to see the difference between true patriotism, and vaguely disguised racist hate-talk. For example, there is a brilliant piece of Australian literature which goes something like this:

I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel sea,
Her beauty and her terror –
The wide brown land for me.

This is patriotic. Notice how it talks about the beauty of the country. It acknowledges that it can be scary, but the author loves the country anyway. Then we get to pieces like this:

Fucking bogan scum

Or this:

Somehow, people seem to think that the only way to tell the world how truly special your country is is to beat the fuck out of everyone who isn’t from it, and tell them to get out. This, obviously, makes them want to be part of your country even more. They never will be, though, because you and your mates will stick around to make sure that they’ll get the living fuck beaten out of them if they show their face again. After all, that’s the true Australian way.

You fucking cunts.

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First! And other things that should result in you being shot.

by on Jul.09, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MOTHERFUCKER, My skepticisim isn't the slightest bit dogmatic - how dare you, SHUT UP, Skeptic logic is infallible, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Wow! You commented first! What a position of power, of responsibility! Everyone will see your comment, meaning that it is the most important comment on the page. Too bad YOU FUCKING WASTED IT BY ADDING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF VALUE TO THE CONVERSATION, YOU USELESS, MAGGOTY, MOUTH-BREATHING, OXYGEN THIEVING, FUCKING THATCHER SLUTCUNT.

WOW NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT YOU REALLY ARE A BARELY FUNCTIONAL RETARD, WITH NO VALID INPUT INTO ANYTHING. NO LONGER WILL YOUR FRIENDS BE WONDERING IF YOU ARE A FUNNY GUY WITH AN ODD SENSE OF HUMOUR, OR AN AUTISTIC MONKEY ON CRACK. YOU WILL HAVE ADVERTISED TO THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE IN FACT ONE OF THE MOST USELESS HUMAN BEINGS ALIVE.

ON THE CHART OF USELESS PEOPLE, YOU ARE RIGHT UP THERE WITH JUSTIN BIEBER AND JUNKIES. THEN IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH, PEOPLE START COMPETING FOR SECOND PLACE. SECOND FUCKING PLACE! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? DID A PIANO GET DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD? PERHAPS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. FOLLOWED BY AN AXE, AND A FUCKING NUCLEAR WARHEAD. PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD.

This is why I am against public healthcare. It’s also why I’m against warning labels. Let stupid people look after themselves for about 2 years, and the world will be a whole heap smarter for it.

So this list of people who are more useless than balls on a truck; who are they? The list is longer than you can imagine (because you have a very limited imagination, not because it’s a massive list), so here is an abridged version.

People who are stupid cunts, and should not be allowed to live.

In no particular order:

  • People who put balls on a truck (or any vehicle for that matter)
  • People who put balls on a phone.
  • People who cut me off when I’m driving.
  • People who don’t indicate properly on roundabouts.
  • People who indicate right when going into a round about, when they’re not actually taking an exit to the right.
  • People who compete for the first comment on any post anywhere on the Internet.
  • People who, once they see that the first position has already been called by about six people, attempt to call “second”. Seriously, this happens.
  • People who comment on things just so they can see their name.
  • People who don’t even finish reading a headline before posting a comment.
  • Justin Bieber
  • People who think that it’s unfair that their opinions aren’t worth more than someone else’s.
  • People who actually complain that it is UNFAIR to THEM that OTHER PEOPLE need help.
  • People who CAN’T WAIT THEIR FUCKING TURN IN LINE.
  • People who TRY TO PRETEND THAT THERE ISN’T A LINE, AND ACT SHOCKED WHEN THEY GET TOLD THAT THERE IS ONE.
  • PEOPLE IN GENERAL CAN FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.
  • People who think that their moral views should be made law.
  • People who like Justin Bieber.
  • People who are really touchy with people they barely know.
  • People who exaggerate the truth.
  • Journalists on current affairs shows.
  • People who CAN’T USE COMMON FUCKING SENSE OR A BIT OF LOGIC, BUT STILL TRY TO ARGUE THE POINT WITH YOU.
  • People who start “discussions” (read: arguments) with no intention of allowing their point of view to change.
  • People who preach their point of views without being willing to listen to someone else’s.
  • People who make wild assumptions about someone else’s point of view based on their own idea of what the person is like.
  • PEOPLE WHO SHOULD DIE COLD, ALONE, AND IN A GIANT FUCKING HOLE FILLED WITH THE CORPSES OF OTHER PEOPLE LIKE THEM.
  • People who get offended by the word “cunt”.
  • Advertisers.
  • People who believe advertisements.
  • People who believe anything that they read without the slightest bit of suspicion.

The full list is much longer, but this gives you the basic idea. Your aim in life should be to live well, and not end up on this list.

Now FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.

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Buy our crap! You know you need it because we told you that you do!

by on Jul.08, 2010, under CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, how are you today?, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Advertising can fuck off. It really can. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU CUNTS? Thanks to advertising, we have fucking retarded shit burgs buying the new iPhone 4, not because their old iPhone is broken, or because it’s particularly incapable of performing the same actions, BUT BECAUSE SOME FUCKING CUNT IN MARKETING TOLD THEM THAT THEY SHOULD.

I’m actually offended by the lengths that some advertisers will go to try to get money out of people. They don’t tell straight out lies, but FUCK do they ever misrepresent the truth, WHICH IS FUCKING WORSE. If someone tells you a lie, you can call it out as a lie AND BE ON YOUR FUCKING WAY. IF THEY’RE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, BUT IN A MISLEADING WAY, THEN SAYING ANYTHING JUST MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A WHINY LITTLE BITCH. THEY FUCKING KNOW THIS, AND THAT’S WHY THEY FUCKING WELL DO IT.

How do you sell hand soap? Everyone already KNOWS that washing your hands is a good thing, so there can’t be much more demand there. You call your soap ANTI-BACTERIAL, despite the fact that it doesn’t really do anything extra. Then you tell people that it MAGICALLY STOPS YOU FROM GETTING SICK. This HAS to be do with the anti-bacterial claim, right? NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T YOU CUNTS. WASHING YOUR HANDS WITH ANY OLD FUCKING SOAP WILL HAVE THE SAME EFFECT. IT’S NOTHING MAGIC, NEW, OR SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR PRODUCT, SO STOP PRETENDING THAT IT FUCKING WELL IS.

What about paracetamol? It’s a standard drug, and EVERY manufacturer has the same dose. SO WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE THINK THAT THE MORE EXPENSIVE BRAND WILL MAGICALLY WORK BETTER? OH THIS BRAND MUST BE BETTER OTHERWISE WHY WOULD THEY CHARGE SO FUCKING MUCH MORE? THEY SELL IT FOR MORE BECAUSE YOU BUY IT FOR MORE, BECAUSE YOU THINK THERE MUST BE A FUCKING REASON WHY IT COSTS MORE. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON, YOU STUPID CUNTS. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE US THAT YOUR PILLS ARE SOMEHOW MAGICALLY BETTER, DESPITE CONTAINING THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT AS ANY OTHER FUCKING BRAND. IF IT WAS DIFFERENT, STRONGER, OR WHATEVER IT WOULD BE FUCKING ILLEGAL TO SELL AS PARA-FUCKING-CETAMOL.

THERE SHOULD BE LAWS AGAINST MISLEADING ADVERTISING. IF YOU TRY TO ADVERTISE A FEATURE AS UNIQUE TO YOUR PRODUCT WHICH ISN’T, I SHOULD GET TO PUNCH YOUR FUCKING FACE INTO YOUR MOTHER’S WOMB. WITH A FUCKING SLEDGE HAMMER.

Worse are the ads who just assume that everyone is a TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT. Sure, I can understand that assumption (YOU CUNTS ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS), but to not even attempt to sugar coat it? Ads that TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE? DO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SHAME? NO TACT? ARE YOU FAT FUCKING CUNTS JUST SITTING BACK AND LAUGHING AT HOW STUPID PEOPLE ARE? I BET YOU FUCKING WELL ARE, TOO.

WELL FUCK YOU. YOU CUNTS DESERVE TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE, BUT YOU WOULD PROBABLY SPIN THAT INTO A GOOD THING ANYWAY (“BUCKSHOT IS THE NEW BEAUTIFUL”), AND THEN TRY TO SELL IT TO POOR FUCKING SAPS FOR TEN TIMES THE PRICE OF THE AMMUNITION.

THESE SOULLESS CUNTS ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, AND ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN CURRENT AFFAIRS “JOURNALISTS”, WHO VAGUELY RESEMBLE THE VOMIT AND PUSS THAT COMES OUT OF THE ANUS OF AN ADVERTISER AFTER YOU STAB THEM INTO A WELL JUSTIFIED DEATH. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK, BUT THAT’S PROBABLY JUST A FEATURE, ISN’T IT?

NEXT YOU WILL BE ADVERTISING FAULTS AS A FUCKING INTENTIONAL DESIGN CHOICE (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, APPLE). I MIGHT BE SOUNDING A BIT LIKE BILL HICKS HERE, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. IF YOU ARE IN ADVERTISING OR MARKETING, YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF RIGHT FUCKING NOW, AND DO THE WORLD A HUGE FAVOUR.

FUCK OFF AND DIE, YOU MAGGOTY CUNTS. STOP PLAYING ON FEARS, AND TRY TO MAKE A DECENT FUCKING PRODUCT INSTEAD.

In the paraphrased words of John Lennon:

You may say that I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll fuck off
And leave the world alone

Also, die.

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Cutting through the Australian political parties

by on Jul.07, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, how are you today?, Illuminati, My skepticisim isn't the slightest bit dogmatic - how dare you, Skeptic logic is infallible, Spill, TRUTH

There is much talk in Australia about how we have a “two party” system. This doesn’t mean that there are only two parties, only that there are only two parties which actually have a chance to win. There are heaps of boutique, or specialist parties. Usually single issue, or single point-of-view parties which, if they ever got into power would invariably fuck everything up, and STILL wouldn’t get around to acting on any of their policies.

There are, in fact, about five major parties now. So with the likely upcoming election, how do we know who to trust with our votes? The simple answer is no-one, but sadly they never have a “total anarchy” option on the ballots. Today, I’ll give you a run down of the major parties, and why none of them can be trusted. Hopefully this will help you to figure out which one you least want to be in power, thus allowing you to figure out the correct order for you r preferences.

The Liberal Party

The Liberal Party is horribly named. They are easily one of the most conservative parties around, believing that the only liberties people should have is to be allowed to pick which horrible employment situation to sign their lives to. They are currently in opposition, after eleven years of iron-fisted justice. Their key policies seem to be:

  • You have no rights.
  • OK, you have one right. The right to have no other rights.
  • OK, that is more of a responsibility than a right.
  • Maybe responsibility is the wrong word. It still makes it sound like you have a choice.

The National Party

Again, this is a horribly named party. They seem to have the least spread out of any of the major parties. To my knowledge, they exist only in Adelaide these days, and that probably won’t last there long. They are the smaller part of a loose coalition with the Liberal party, which just goes to show how much of the nation they care about. They may have policies, but no-one is ever quite sure. Usually, I think their policy is just to oppose everything that Labor says.

The Labor Party

The Labor party, apart from being misspelled, is also misnamed. As a party who you would assume would approve of labour, they strongly opposed the introduction of legal slaves through the previous government’s “Work Choices” legislation. Once a party leaning to the political left, Labor abandoned this when they realised that being evil was more fun. In recent times, they have been playing a game of musical chairs for the leader’s position, which brings some credibility back as the only group to at least take the “Party” part seriously. They are keen gymnasts, with the ability to both back-flip constantly, and to bend over backwards in order to please investors. Their current policies include:

  • Reducing Australia’s carbon emissions by taxing emission producers.
  • Subsidising large emission producers so that the tax doesn’t affect their profit margins.
  • Tax mining companies to pay for the subsidies to large polluters.
  • Talk to mining companies about only taxing parts of their business which affect smaller companies, who aren’t consulted.
  • Filter the Internet to stop bad things from happening for everyone.
  • Speed up Internet speeds so that access speeds aren’t that much slower than they are now when the Internet filter is introduced.

Family First

The Family First party are against all types of family. The current theory holds that their name doesn’t mean that policies should help the family first, but that families should be against the wall. They are strongly opposed to talking about sex, thinking about sex, having sex (unless married), people getting married (gays only), and gays having families. They are largely a conservative Christian party, which is nice that they declare it, but does kind of defenestrate the idea of “separation between church and state”. They are still only a minor party, but they are outspoken, so I feel that it is fair to include them in this list. Their current policies seem to be:

  • Gays are bad
  • Sex before marriage is bad
  • Heathens are probably gay, so they’re bad.
  • Gays would have the same rights as regular people if they were in fact people, and not some demon spawn from hell.
  • Pornography is evil spawn of the devil and should be outlawed.

The Green Party

The first thing you need to know about the Green Party is that they are led by a man named Brown. This the the type of serious position they take to politics. As a running party, they have long been the punch line for many jokes along the lines of “Well who are you going to vote for? The Greens? Ha ha ha!”. They are outspoken about their policies, which seem to be “Oppose everything everyone does, because it’s not good enough”, and “Why can’t we all just get along, man?”. They are one of those parties what everyone says they would vote for if they thought they could ever win a seat, a common statement which has always struck me as being completely contrary to logic. The greens aren’t a particularly evil party, but everyone seems afraid to vote them in because no-one can be that good all the time. What if the time when they snap is the one time that they actually have the power to have a say? As the saying goes, “Better the darlings you love, than letting them into you r house for the night”.

I hope that this helps you to make up you r mind about which party least deserves you r vote. It doesn’t really matter though, because things like the coalition takes all the power out of you r hands anyway.

Happy voting!

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