The Daily Jerk

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An illuminating rant

by on Jul.03, 2010, under CABBAGE, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, STOP IT, TRUTH

You know what I really hate?

I hate that I – you too I guess but I don’t care about that so much – am paying rates and taxes to allow a whole bunch of pollution to be created. That’s right, pollution.

What kind of pollution you ask? If you don’t ask that, you are a) stupid and b) going to be smacked in the back of the head any minute now with an oversized liverwurst. If you just turned around to see if it was true you are a) gullible and b) now going to be smacked in the FACE with an oversized liverwurst.

But I digress.

So I was driving down a highway at 4am and it was like daylight.  Not because it was daylight but because there’s a huge light every two metres. (It looks like two when you’re driving too much, so quit your pedantic whinging.)

I also went past a shopping centre, closed. Every light in the car park was on. It was like a big ugly box shaped concrete Christmas tree without any decorations.  Well ok, it wasn’t anything like a Christmas tree except it was big and ugly and lit up. But who is using it? No one.  So why should it be lit up? WHY DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE LIGHT POLLUTION FROM SOME STUPID CAR PARK FOR SECURITY PURPOSES! HAVEN’T YOU PEOPLE HEARD OF SENSOR LIGHTS!

Then… then… then I passed a brand new train station. Not even opened yet. It and its carpark were also lit up. NO ONE EVEN KNOWS IT’S THERE! Oh, wait… they do now because you CAN’T MISS THE THING. They’ll be swarming like moths to graffiti it cause the challenge is even bigger when the lights are on ALL THE TIME lighting the place up like we’re in the middle of a SUPANOVA. Where else can your art be visible 24 hours a day? Genius.

So why we have to put up with the tendrils of light pollution reaching further and further into the wilderness while the CBD is surrounded by a dome of unearthly pink light that makes me want to vomit? (Well not literally vomit. Maybe just dry retch.)

Because of all you PATHETIC WUSSY LOSER CRY BABIES WHO ARE SCARED OF THE DARK! The dark is cool and it has been, up until fairly recently, a fact of life. Now it’s GONE, GONE FOREVER AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT YOU SNIVELLING CHILDREN OF DOOM. GIVE ME MY DARK BACK!

I’m going to go live in a cave. A dark cave.

That is all.

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Frigid. You heard me.

by on Jun.28, 2010, under Uncategorized

You know what I really hate?

THE COLD! What is with the cold? It’s an absence of heat, and I think there should be a law against it. Sub-tropical regions should not get colder than a temperature in which I can comfortably run around in only a hat. No, not a ridiculous beanie, not a deer-hunting fur-lined ear hugging thing that makes you look like a gimp – a proper every day hat.

And you know what’s going to fix this? You know what’s going to help? What they used to call The Greenhouse effect and Global Warming. Bring it on! I’ll eat a cow every day if it saves me from freezing my butt off. And if I did eat a cow every day then I’d have plenty of insulation of my own to keep me warm. Might need a bigger hat though.

Damn you heat, why have you forsaken me? Bring on lava flows and methane explosions. I want me a warm winter.

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Do you speak English?

by on Jun.21, 2010, under Uncategorized

You know what I really hate?

People who don’t know basic grammar and spelling in their own native tongue. Or, more to the point, people who don’t know that stuff and then create blogs so they can show everyone how good they are at SCREWING OVER THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

Seriously, haven’t you got a spell check? It’s the lazy person’s way to make themselves seem intelligent. Try it.

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Walking up hill – try it sometime.

by on Jun.05, 2010, under HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, STOP IT

It’s time for me to have my say.

I walk fast, I talk fast, I think faster than most of the amoebas who inhabit the city and they are IN MY WAY. It’s not just on footpaths, not just on the road. What I really HATE is the people who get onto an escalator and stop.

What, do you think the machine’s going to do all the work for you you lazy freaks? What the hell is wrong with walking at the same time so you are going FASTER? Seriously. Are you the same people who spend hundreds of dollars to go to a gym and walk on a machine which is just like an escalator except going THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION? What are you thinking? I’ll tell you.

NOTHING. You are too lazy to even THINK uphill.

That is all.

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