The Daily Jerk

Blogz form mi hooman

Blogs From My Human – Fish edition

by on Jun.04, 2010, under Blogz form mi hooman, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE

huh? huwhat? the thing that feeds me, forgets me, AND TERRORISES THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO WRITE A BLOG FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE? I WANT TO KILL HIM, NOT WRITE FOR HIS BLOG!

AND NOW I BET YOU EXPECT A FUCKING JOKE ABOUT HAVING A THREE SECOND MEMORY? YOU CUNT! YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING CUNT! I REMEMBER! I REMEMBER GROWING UP IN A NICE LITTLE TANK FULL OF PLANTS, AND MOSS, AND THE SNAILS, OH THE SNAILS. WE USED TO RACE THEM! MY FAVOURITE WAS OLD SPOTTY, WHO NEVER WENT VERY FAST, BUT HIS HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I FUCKING ATE HIM, ALRIGHT? HE FUCKING FELL OFF THE GLASS, AND WAS LYING THERE ALL HELPLESS, SO I FUCKING ATE HIM.

I’M A FUCKING FISH, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME? WELL FUCK YOU! I’M NOT GIVING YOU ANYTHING! NOT A FUCKING WORD FOR YOUR BLOG!

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN “SPEECH TO TEXT”? I’M A FISH I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING SPEAK! IF THERE EVER WAS A FOURTH WALL, IT’S BEEN LONG SINCE TORN DOWN BY THOSE FUCKING HOME WRECKERS BY NOW.

THAT’S IT! I’M SWIMMING INTO THE FILTER! HERE’S HOPING FOR THE GIANT TOILET BOWL IN THE SKY! OR AT LEAST THE FUCKING CAT.

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Blogz From My Human – Dog Edition

by on Jun.04, 2010, under Blogz form mi hooman, Hello, how are you today?

Oooooh KAY! SO I GOT UP WHEW WHEW WHEW but I was all like TIIIEEERRRD so I wasn’t all like doing stuff yep yep! So I get all nasty wet wet, which TOTALLY RUINED my smelliwell, but that’s OK cause I’ll get it back (I ALWAYS DO) Lucky my faithful woof woof dog WOO loves me anyway so I can get my smelliwell back from her.

so I made some food and it was gooood food but I didn’t give any to my dog dog dog but that’s OK it really is because she’s OK with that even thought she was ever so cute at looking at my food. THEN I’M OFF! and I go awaY!

When i came back i was all smelly up a bit more like i should be, and my doggy dog dog leapt into my arms to share her glorious smell with me. Mmmmm smell DELISH! I made some dinner, and I couldn’t resist my doggy oh so cute look so I threw her some, Mmmmm!

I watched some glowy box and patted my dog and watched and pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat patted my doggy dog dog. AND THEN DOGGY FEEDING TIME she loves me so but feeding time comes first!

And then i went to sleep.

BEST DAY EVER!

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Blogz foRm mi HoomAn

by on Jun.01, 2010, under Blogz form mi hooman

Helo blogz,

tooday i wok up wiv tha soundy of tha chiken thing from mi smal talky thingy. i sor mi kat and i wuz jellus of her so i moovd her jus to be meen. i didnt feed her yet cuz i am jellus ov her bootiful oranj cote. i wanderd off for a wile to do sum stuff and wen i cam bak i moovd her agan az i woz extra jellus tooday.

after mi fitz ov jullusee i went and got trappd in tha sprayee hot watr thing. NEMYSIS!!!! It getz me wunce a day usly, but i always beet it. makes me smell gud tho. i spend mor tym ignoring mi kat lyk she iz dependent on me and not tha othr wai rond LOL! it makz me fel powafool.

afta that i went off alady daa and woz gone leeving mi kat alon. wen i cam bak i woz cort on tha moovy flor thing for AGES! NEEEMMMYYYSSSIIISSSSS!!! i beet it inot submishun tho and that woz that. i poot mi kat on tha moovy flor thing and she beet it in secunds! so jellus!

ne wai i maid sum fud and gav mi kat sum fud and wachd tha glowy box thing, makin sur to kik mi kat off her sitting box soz i kac poot mi fet on it az i am oh so jellus. afta glowy box tyme i sat at othr glowy box pretendeen too be mi kat makeen a blogz post pretendeen to be me.

seenseerlee, mi hooman.

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