The Daily Jerk

Celebrity gossip

Guest Post: Ben Pobjie on hating things

by on Jul.29, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, Guest Posts, TRUTH

Know what I hate? Of course you don’t, and it’d be pretty presumptuous of you to think that you do, unless you’re psychic, and you’re not, because nobody is, and people who say they are are something I really hate. But that’s not what I was hating in the first sentence back there, I was hating something else, which I guess just goes to show one very important fact: I hate an awful lot of things. Hundreds, in fact, one of which is positive attitudes towards life.

But the one thing I hate that I am choosing to focus on is this:

Successful people.

In essence, my message is, Successful people? What the fuck?

Now, before you say, “Oh Ben, don’t be so negative, that’s just sour grapes”, I should point out one thing: you are a dick and should shut your stupid face.

The subject occurred to me the other day when I was reading an article about Rove McManus, and how his planned talk show with Valerie Bertinelli has failed to get picked up by a network in the US.

The first point to make, of course, is what the sulphur-crested fuck was Rove thinking when he decided the best entrée to the American market would be a talk show with Valerie Bertinelli? Never in the history of mankind has a human being ever used the phrase, “Hey, why doesn’t Valerie Bertinelli have a talk show? I’d watch that.” Never in the history of mankind has a human being ever used the phrase, “Can’t wait to hear what Valerie Bertinelli thinks about this.” And never in the history of mankind has a human being used the phrase, “Rove and Valerie: an unstoppable combination.” Seriously? A talk show with Valerie Bertinelli? Are you insane? What’s your next move, a cooking show with Bruce Boxleitner?

But that aside, what struck me reading this story was just how happy I was to find out Rove had failed. I was ecstatic.

And it’s not because I dislike Rove. I quite like him. I’ve even watched his show, occasionally. He’s a very likeable fellow. It’s nothing personal at all.

It’s just that I hate other people being successful. More successful than me, that is. Up to my level of success, I wish you every happiness. Surpass me, and I hate you. And this applies in particular to Australians. I can cope with Americans and British people and Italians fulfilling their dreams – just – but when Australians do it, it just gets right on my frigging wick.

Because when people from overseas are more successful than you, you can always say, “well, it’s hard to make it, when you’re Australian, stuck here in such a remote location without access to international markets”. But when Australians make it, it shows that it IS possible, it’s just that you’re not good enough. And frankly, I consider the inadvertent exposure of other people’s inadequacies through one’s own completely innocent actions to be the height of fucking rudeness.

You know what I’m talking about. You know when you have a friend who asks you to act as a reference for his job interview, and when the employer calls you, and you tell them your friend is a meth addict? Or when your friend starts a relationship with a beautiful, sweet girl, and you send her a letter detailing all the children he’s sexually violated?

Oh, you’ve never done that? You fucking liar. We all do it from time to time, when those close to us look like achieving more than we have. I work so hard every day, purely because my sisters have failed to be junkies or single mothers. If only my family was full of failures I could relax, but no, I have to bust a gut because they insist on giving me competition for my parents’ love.

And successful Australians have a similar effect. They’re too close. When an Australian hits it big, it says hey, even ordinary Australians can do extraordinary things. Pisses me off something fierce. Because of course they CAN, but they probably WON’T. I won’t. You won’t. And one of the reasons we won’t is because there is a finite amount of places in the world for successful people, and that Aussie bastard’s just taken up another one of them.

So that’s why I felt a warm, oozy feeling of relief when I found Rove’s latest effort to go global had failed. If his talk show with Valerie Bertinelli (pffffffffffffffft) had succeeded, I don’t know what I would have done. I would have been desolate. Like I am every time I hear about Naomi Watts’s latest movie, or Adam Hills’s sell-out Edinburgh show, or anything Matthew Fucking Reilly does.

So to all you people out there succeeding, achieving ambitions and scaling heights: fuck you. Fuck you right in the ear. You’re ruining my life, and you’re doing it with a smarmy goddamn smile on your face. Stop it. Right now.

Ben Pobjie

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Monarchy for the modern age

by on Jul.22, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, Royalty, Stories for children

Do we still need a queen? Are we be a better country because oh the monarchy? Are the royals really that useful any more? These are questions which show up every now and then, and no-one ever has an answer. The problem is that no-one is quite sure what the royals are for.

They used to be rulers, but now there’s an elected government that does that. They’re even less relevant here in Australia where they are still our royal family, but never set foot in our country. We have a family whose sole purpose is to sit around, be aloof, and steal helicopters. The only royal who ever actually did anything was married into the family, and couldn’t even handle a high-speed collision with a wall.

Pathetic.

People don’t want to get rid of the royal family, though. They’ve been there for as long as anyone can remember, and really they’re the only thing separating us from becoming America. What we do need, though, is a better breed of royal. We need to reverse the inbreeding that has resulted in two princes who look more like Ron Weasley than any Disney prince ever did. We need to bring some manliness, some rough-and-tumble, some facial hair (Queen, excepted) back into the royal family. We need monarchs for the modern age.

I envisage my perfect King to be a kind of Die Hard, Bruce Willis type. Making wise cracks while kicking arse. The kind of king who would go to America and kick their arse for ruining the language. I think he also needs some lasers. Maybe even a cool car.

The Queen should be a motherly, but still kinda hot. I want my queen to make witty comments that put politicians in their place. She should care about the good of the people, and also be a rally driver. That would give her an excuse to travel the globe to exotic locations, and conquer them all with a sweet four wheel drift. Oh, and she should be able to make things explode just by looking at them.

The princes should be great guys who loved nothing more than hanging out with the lads, and flying helicopters. The current princes are kind of like this, but maybe we could change their hair colour to a more manly black, or dark brown. Oh, and wherever they go, they should have free beer. They’ll also give every guy they meet free money, and a cool car. They won’t need to give women anything because they’ll faint as soon as one of the princes smiles. Also, it would be cool if the princes were half robot.

The princess should be an expert at karate, because she constantly has to fight off ninjas. She’s also really good at computers, and acting. She should play bass, and have a bunch of tattoos. She can also do a back flip, and does whenever anyone asks, even if she’s just done a back flip. It would be really cool if she could shoot fire out of her eyes when she gets angry, or like, sees a kitten in trouble.

I think that this is pretty much the best royal family you could ever get, and I think that if we all chipped in a few dollars, we could totally set this up. The royal’s time has come, and now is time for the Super Royal Action Force EXTREME. Also, if anyone spells it “X-TREME”, then the Queen will crush their head between her thighs. No-one will ever be sure if it is meant to be a reward or a punishment, and she’ll never say.

Oh, and the King will decree that cabbage is now the dirtiest of swear words in all languages ever. Then he’ll release a number one world wide hit where he just screams “CABBAGE” at the top of his lungs until people’s brains explode.

I wonder if Kim Jong Il is free…

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Voting with your heart

by on Jul.19, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, Pirates, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH

Over the weekend, most people here in Australia would have been made aware of an impending election. This shouldn’t really come as a surprise  to them though, as it is something that happens every 3 years or so. In a previous post, I covered the major political parties, and why you shouldn’t vote for any of them. Seeing as adding your own candidate, or marking a “None of the above” choice isn’t allowed in this country, I felt that it was time to explore which candidates you SHOULD consider voting for in this crap-shoot of awful politicians. There are only three major players worth noting. I’m not telling you which one to vote for, because I think that they’re all a useless bunch of cunts, but hopefully I can help one of them to capture your heart.

Julia GillardJulia Gillard - Taking heart theft seriously

If you believe the hype, Julia Gillard is the candidate who is meant to steal your heart. I, of course, plan to take this literally. and am rather scared of her. She is currently leading the country after killing deposing Kevin Rudd. She is female, which means that feminists everywhere make a huge deal about her. For some reason being the first female prime minister is a bigger deal than being the elected prime minister, but if she’s successful in the next few months, then I guess she’ll be both. This attitude is also kind of degrading to all of the other women in politics because it’s just telling them that being a woman in power is more important than being a good politician or doing a good job. The logic here has always escaped me, but that is probably a rant for another time.

The other inescapable thing about Julia Gillard is how much her nose looks like a shark. I’m not saying this to be mean, not that she would ever read this blog; it’s just a casual observance, like how everyone ever realises that Sarah Jessica Parker looks a whole heap like a horse, and has never actually been hot. If anything, looking like a shark could work to her advantage, as people are afraid and respectful of sharks. In terms of political action, she’s doing her absolute best to reverse all the policies that made Kevin Rudd unpopular, in the hope that it will make people like her. The fear angle would probably work better. Anyway, you should vote for her if:

  • The idea of an elected female is more important to you than a good leader.
  • You vote labor every time anyway because that’s what your parents did.
  • You are scared of sharks, and think that keeping them happy is the best way of keeping them away.
  • You are an executive of a mining company.
  • You really enjoyed the movie Jaws.

Tony Abbot

Tony Abbot is leading the opposition. Leader is perhaps a bit of a strong term, as it implies that he has a plan, solid opinions, and anyone would actually want to follow him. This isn’t to say that he’s without principals. He has plenty of principals, but none of them are particularly useful for running a country, at least not one in the 21st century. He loves to tell everyone about how he is manly, and how he knows best for women, children, and pretty much everyone. In terms of self righteousness, he can mix it with the best of them, which is pretty standard in most politicians. The difference with Abbot is that while most politicians at least pretend to craft their opinions to match popular opinion, he just spouts whatever idea pops into his head, no matter if it is popular or not. He mixes the smugness of Kevin Rudd with the “never say sorry” attitude of John Howard, then wraps it up with some exotic birds in tight underwear. You should vote for Tony Abbot if:

  • You know best, no matter what anyone else says.
  • You think that speedos should be part of the national dress.
  • You always vote Liberal, just because.
  • You believe that everyone else should hold your morals, no matter what.

Bob Brown

Bob Brown leads the Greens. This is a party which doesn’t field enough candidates to ever hold power. They are, however, the largest of the minor parties, and usually hold enough seats so that they can carry or block any contentious piece of proposed legislation. As such, while they have no power to introduce any of their own policies, the two major parties usually have to play nice by the Greens in order to get things done. Because they will never be the leading party, they can happily offer policies which are popular in theory, but would piss off a lot of people if they were ever made law. It’s probably not necessarily a bad thing if those people get pissed off, but it doesn’t make for a sustainable country. Vote for Bob Brown if:

  • You eventually decided to stop supporting the major parties directly.
  • You want your vote to count a little bit more than if you voted for the Sex Party.
  • You love all that hippy crap.
  • You love to feel good about yourself, but are afraid of any real change.

I hope that this helps you decide better how to waste cast your vote. All the candidates are pretty bad, so it’s pretty much like picking turds out of a barrel. No matter which one you ultimately pick you’re still holding a handful of crap, and that can’t be sanitary.

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Marketing blogs like someone else sells stuff that’s not blogs

by on Jul.16, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Hello, how are you today?

Today I am going to borrow a marketing ploy from Old Spice. For people who don’t hold with this whole “Internet” thing, they’ve been making short videos for people who talk to them. It works because it’s INTERACTING with your AUDIENCE.

Well today, I put out a call to the people to ask them to ask me things, and I would provide them with personalised posts. Well it appears that everyone is a bunch of total cunts, and didn’t want me to single them out. Perhaps this is because they thought that I would just call them a bunch of cunts, or perhaps it’s because everyone just thought someone else would do it, I don’t know. In response, however, I have decided to pick random tweets off the Internet, and respond to them. They are not my audience, so they probably won’t appreciate being called cunts, either. Oh well, at least I’m not losing readers out of it!

@Angry_Drunk says: OMFG! iOS 4.0.1 has stopped the flow of oil into the Gulf! Kudos Apple.

Well, Angry Drunk, I believe that the flow of oil into the gulf was quite possibly actually a product of Apple. You see, Apple manufactures things which are largely made of plastic. Unbeknownst to many people, plastic is made, in part, from oil. Sure, some people will tell you that it grown on trees, but those people are fucking idiots, who have never seen real trees. They can’t be helped. So the problem is that Apple wanted more oil, so BP tried to rescue the oil from the depths of the ocean floor. This is less like Aqua Man than it sounds. Long story short, unless the cap was actually made out of iphones, and the latest firmware update somehow MAGICALLY gave them oil-blocking properties, you are a fucking idiot. Nothing personal, because I don’t know you, but twitter tells me that you are popular. Ish.

@Esther_P says: first all why is every thing tweeting twice and 2nd of all did julia gillard really call the election?

Well Esther, I am glad that of all the problems in your life, the most pressing one is everything tweeting twice. While you could be worrying about the soon to be massive pile of student debt that you are amassing, or the fact that some stranger on the Internet picked up your tweet, and from that has decided to call you a vapid cunt, you are instead worrying about the well being of the website, twitter. Perhaps you aren’t really that vapid. This, of course, is followed up by your second most pressing concern; did Julia Gillard call an election. It is good to see that you, an all round great gal are worried about politics as well as websites, even if only so you can find something appropriate to wear. Why, a quick look at your stream gives us such insights into your nature. “cancer really blows” you mused, and “i think i may be a snob?”. Oh how we laughed!

Anyway, you’re a vapid cunt.

@velisyajane says: #nowplaying 21 guns-greenday

Well thank you, Velisya Jane, for sharing with us what you are listening to. I don’t really care, though, because I’m not listening to it. I didn’t ask you what you were listening to, because I can’t hear it, although I’m sure that if you are on public transport, everyone else sitting around you can hear it. Tweets like this are a largely pointless waste of space, and I hate you.

@_glossolalia_ says: Iefu squeankostrai iecri estrectooshi ispoo driell! #sheliedtoyou#agoodrelationship#thistweetisdedicated2

Dear glossolalia. You make a valid point. Go forth, brave soldier.

OK, that about wraps it up. I’ve always wanted to say that, and other than the intended meaning (FUCK OFF, I HATE YOU, AND YOU’RE KEEPING ME FROM MY CAVIAR, COCAINE, AND POOL FULL OF MONEY), I’m not aware that it has any ACTUAL meaning. Enjoy your weekend, you fucking cunts.

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My Torment: hearing computer jargon get butchered on films and television.

by on Jul.13, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It bugs me, OK? If you have a main character who is meant to be a computer wiz, then it stands to reason that they should seem like they know something about computers. Happily, script writers have realised that, and fill characters’ speech with junk jargon, stringing together buzz-words, and the occasional terms which have hit main-stream popularity. Sadly, they never check with any actual nerds to find out if what is being said makes even THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF FUCKING SENSE.

Once, people thought it gave credibility to a character if they mention google. Now it’s myspace, facebook, or youtube. Whatever is popular. If they’re a hard-core hacker, then they’ll “know unix”, or will “de-fragment the mainframe to reverse the IP polarity, and use that to back-door through the firewall so they can crack the encryption on the database password, thus letting us ftp into the suspect’s computer remotely and read their files.”

It makes no fucking sense. FUCKING NONE. YET SOME STUPID CUNT RECOGNISES “DE-FRAGMENT”, “FIREWALL”, AND “ENCRYPTION”, AS COMPUTERY WORDS, SO IT’S ALL FUCKING OK THEN, ISN’T IT?

It doesn’t stop there, either. Almost every TV show or movie in history that has a “computer wiz” has shown a process of “ENHANCE THE PHOTO”, like it’s something that can be fucking done in seconds on ANY OLD FUCKING COMPUTER, WITH ONLY A FEW FUCKING TYPED COMMANDS. PROCESSING POWER, INTERFACE, AND PHYSICAL CAPABILITY BE DAMNED. PLOT IS MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT. ONE OF THESE DAYS I’LL BUILD A PROGRAM WHICH “ENHANCES” PHOTOS BY RECREATING THEM AS FUCKING GOATSE. SEE HOW YOU CUNTS FUCKING LIKE IT THEN.

Computers aren’t the only victim to useless cunts who think that faking it badly can get you through. The other big one is music. Violins and guitar in particular. The concept should be pretty simple. Move fingers or hands when notes change, and if you pluck a string with your finger in different places, you should be able to tell the difference between high and low notes. EVERY TIME I SEE SOMEONE BADLY FAKING A GUITAR SOLO BY MOVING THEIR HAND AROUND LIKE A RETARDED, COKED OUT MONKEY, I AM A LITTLE HAPPIER BECAUSE AT LEAST THEY’VE REALISED THAT “FAST BIT MEANS HAND MOVES”. THE CUNTS WHO ARE STILL PRETENDING TO PLAY CHORDS THAT DON’T EXIST CAN FUCK OFF THOUGH. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU TAKE ONE FUCKING LESSON, AND AT LEAST UNDERSTAND THE BASICS OF THE INSTRUMENT? IF YOU ARE A MAIN CHARACTER, AND PLAYING GUITAR OR VIOLIN IS A BIG PART OF YOUR SCHTICK, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LEARN HOW TO FUCKING HOLD THE THING PROPERLY? EVERY TIME YOU DON’T YOU ARE JUST MAKING EVERY MUSICIAN WATCHING HATE YOU JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.

Some movies get it right. They make the actors ACTUALLY LEARN HOW TO PLAY, EVEN IF HORRIBLY. That’s all I ask. You are getting paid fuck loads of money, so just pretend like you care about what you’re doing on screen more than you care about which small Moroccan boy you’ll snort your next line off the butt crack of.

I know that some people think that it isn’t worth much to make these small things right, but just imagine if they let everything go as badly as they let these two areas. Imagine if in “Julie and Julia” the main character (one of them) threw a live chicken into a deep fryer, and called it lightly poached. No-one would buy it, but that’s exactly what is happening every time a movie hacker “re-routes the USB signal to the Wifi multiplexer, before getting tracked by a TRACER TEE!”

Just because you vapid cunts don’t understand what you’re saying doesn’t mean that it makes technical sense. Fuck off and die.

Or I’ll hack all your IPs into the modem and re-boot the registry engine device. Remotely.

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Cutting through the Australian political parties

by on Jul.07, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, how are you today?, Illuminati, My skepticisim isn't the slightest bit dogmatic - how dare you, Skeptic logic is infallible, Spill, TRUTH

There is much talk in Australia about how we have a “two party” system. This doesn’t mean that there are only two parties, only that there are only two parties which actually have a chance to win. There are heaps of boutique, or specialist parties. Usually single issue, or single point-of-view parties which, if they ever got into power would invariably fuck everything up, and STILL wouldn’t get around to acting on any of their policies.

There are, in fact, about five major parties now. So with the likely upcoming election, how do we know who to trust with our votes? The simple answer is no-one, but sadly they never have a “total anarchy” option on the ballots. Today, I’ll give you a run down of the major parties, and why none of them can be trusted. Hopefully this will help you to figure out which one you least want to be in power, thus allowing you to figure out the correct order for you r preferences.

The Liberal Party

The Liberal Party is horribly named. They are easily one of the most conservative parties around, believing that the only liberties people should have is to be allowed to pick which horrible employment situation to sign their lives to. They are currently in opposition, after eleven years of iron-fisted justice. Their key policies seem to be:

  • You have no rights.
  • OK, you have one right. The right to have no other rights.
  • OK, that is more of a responsibility than a right.
  • Maybe responsibility is the wrong word. It still makes it sound like you have a choice.

The National Party

Again, this is a horribly named party. They seem to have the least spread out of any of the major parties. To my knowledge, they exist only in Adelaide these days, and that probably won’t last there long. They are the smaller part of a loose coalition with the Liberal party, which just goes to show how much of the nation they care about. They may have policies, but no-one is ever quite sure. Usually, I think their policy is just to oppose everything that Labor says.

The Labor Party

The Labor party, apart from being misspelled, is also misnamed. As a party who you would assume would approve of labour, they strongly opposed the introduction of legal slaves through the previous government’s “Work Choices” legislation. Once a party leaning to the political left, Labor abandoned this when they realised that being evil was more fun. In recent times, they have been playing a game of musical chairs for the leader’s position, which brings some credibility back as the only group to at least take the “Party” part seriously. They are keen gymnasts, with the ability to both back-flip constantly, and to bend over backwards in order to please investors. Their current policies include:

  • Reducing Australia’s carbon emissions by taxing emission producers.
  • Subsidising large emission producers so that the tax doesn’t affect their profit margins.
  • Tax mining companies to pay for the subsidies to large polluters.
  • Talk to mining companies about only taxing parts of their business which affect smaller companies, who aren’t consulted.
  • Filter the Internet to stop bad things from happening for everyone.
  • Speed up Internet speeds so that access speeds aren’t that much slower than they are now when the Internet filter is introduced.

Family First

The Family First party are against all types of family. The current theory holds that their name doesn’t mean that policies should help the family first, but that families should be against the wall. They are strongly opposed to talking about sex, thinking about sex, having sex (unless married), people getting married (gays only), and gays having families. They are largely a conservative Christian party, which is nice that they declare it, but does kind of defenestrate the idea of “separation between church and state”. They are still only a minor party, but they are outspoken, so I feel that it is fair to include them in this list. Their current policies seem to be:

  • Gays are bad
  • Sex before marriage is bad
  • Heathens are probably gay, so they’re bad.
  • Gays would have the same rights as regular people if they were in fact people, and not some demon spawn from hell.
  • Pornography is evil spawn of the devil and should be outlawed.

The Green Party

The first thing you need to know about the Green Party is that they are led by a man named Brown. This the the type of serious position they take to politics. As a running party, they have long been the punch line for many jokes along the lines of “Well who are you going to vote for? The Greens? Ha ha ha!”. They are outspoken about their policies, which seem to be “Oppose everything everyone does, because it’s not good enough”, and “Why can’t we all just get along, man?”. They are one of those parties what everyone says they would vote for if they thought they could ever win a seat, a common statement which has always struck me as being completely contrary to logic. The greens aren’t a particularly evil party, but everyone seems afraid to vote them in because no-one can be that good all the time. What if the time when they snap is the one time that they actually have the power to have a say? As the saying goes, “Better the darlings you love, than letting them into you r house for the night”.

I hope that this helps you to make up you r mind about which party least deserves you r vote. It doesn’t really matter though, because things like the coalition takes all the power out of you r hands anyway.

Happy voting!

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“Scare” quotes, and other things that “journalists” should stop doing before I stab them all in the fucking face.

by on Jul.05, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Scare quotes are an interesting thing. They change the perception of meaning, without actually having to change the meaning. Stupid cunts with no fucking integrity (“Journalists”) use them to imply conflict of interest when there is none. They use them to make idiots think that there is news in the stupidest places. For this, I blame the Internet entirely. Once, news articles went through editors, who’s job it was to fact-check articles, and make sure that they weren’t just masturbatory cunt puss.

Now we have the Internet, where “Everyone has the scoop”™, which has led to cluster-cunts claiming to be journalists, and every non-noteworthy piece of bile being treated as breaking, headline fucking news. Then we were faced with a problem, where there was so much noise, that NO-ONE KNEW WHAT NEWS WAS IMPORTANT. Every piece of irrelevant drivel was ENTIRELY INDISTINGUISHABLE from EVERY OTHER PIECE OF TUMOUR INDUCING, SELF PLEASURING, SEMEN ENCRUSTED, VOMIT STAINED, POINTLESS CRAP THAT IS GETTING TOUTED AS NEWS. So to combat this, people decided that you had to make EVERYTHING SCANDALOUS. WHAT EASIER WAY OF CREATING SCANDAL THAN BY IMPLYING IT WHERE NONE EXISTS.

THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS REPORT ON THE IMPLICATION OF SCANDAL, RATHER THAN REPORTING ANYTHING OF USE TO ANYONE FUCKING EVER. Just think about it; which of these headlines would be most likely to get you to read?

  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from new tax
  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from new “tax”
  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from “new” tax
  • Politician says public have “nothing to fear” from new tax
  • Politician says “public” have nothing to fear from new tax
  • “Politician” says public have nothing to fear from new tax
  • “Politician” says “public” have “nothing to fear” from “new” “tax”

They all say the same words, they all mean the same thing, but every one SEEMS like it’s saying something different. THEY ARE ALSO ALL TRYING TO SEX UP SOME OTHERWISE BULLSHIT PIECE OF NON-NEWS BY MAKING IT SEEM THAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE FUCKING SCARED. THEY ARE LIKE AIR QUOTES, BUT YOU CAN’T FUCKING PUNCH THE CUNT WHO USES THEM IN THE FACE. OH HOW I WANT TO PUNCH THEM IN THEIR STUPID FUCKING FACES.

IT’S PEOPLE LIKE THIS WHO CAUSE NON-NEWS TO BE PARADED AROUND LIKE IT’S WORTH HALF A FUCK (THE SECOND HALF, WHERE EVERYTHING IS STICKY AND SHAMEFUL, AND THE CAT KEEPS LOOKING AT YOU LIKE IT WILL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN). YOU MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNTS ARE THE ENTIRE PROBLEM. IT HAS NOW SPREAD INTO TRADITIONAL PRINT PAPERS, SO WE CAN’T EVER FIND A SINGLE SKERRICK OF ANYTHING THAT EVEN SLIGHTLY RESEMBLES ACTUAL FUCKING INFORMATION. YOU CUNTS DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE, AND THE WORLD WOULD BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU “JOURNALISTS” (THAT’S THE CORRECT WAY TO USE QUOTES, BECAUSE YOU VAPID, LIFELESS CUNTS HAVE LESS JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY THAN THE DIARRHOEA THAT YOU VOMIT ALL OVER THE PAGE) WERE LINED UP AND SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEADS.

This kind of useless fucking time wasting has spawned into an even worse form of Television “journalism” (again, using the correct, contemptuous, form of scare quotes). Current fucking Affairs. Every time I see one of these programs, it makes me want to vomit blood and piss through my eyeballs. THAT WOULD BE MORE FUCKING ENJOYABLE. They not only waste time, BUT THEY FUCKING LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING JUST TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THERE IS A FUCKING NEWS STORY, OR AN INJUSTICE IN THE WORLD WHERE THERE’S NOTHING BUT STUPID FUCKING BOGANS WHO CAN’T HELP BUT SPIT BABIES OUT OF THEIR EARS RATHER THAN CLEANING UP, GETTING JOBS, OR PAYING THE FUCKING RENT. HERE’S A TIP: IF THEY PAID THEIR FUCKING RENT, THEN THEY WOULDN’T BE GETTING EVICTED. IF THEY STOPPED EATING SOLIDIFIED FUCKING FAT, THEN THEY WOULDN’T HAVE DOCTORS TELLING THEM TO LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT.

THEY ARE NOT THE FUCKING VICTIMS, YOU USELESS PACK OF CUNT BLOODIED, SHIT EATING, MAGGOT FILLED, CHILD RAPING, ARSE FISTING, CRACKED OUT, SEMEN STAINED, URINAL CAKE GOBBLING, FUCKING THATCHERIST, CONSERVATIVE, MINDLESS, TOSSER, VENOMOUS, PENIS BREATHED, FLUFFY BUNNY LOVING, DISGRACES TO THE NAME OF FUCKING HUMANITY, ANIMALS, INTELLIGENT LIFE FORMS, OR ANYTHING ELSE ALIVE, INCLUDING FUCKING AMOEBAS.

NOT EVEN THAT CAN SUM UP THE CONTEMPT THAT I HAVE FOR YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTS. THERE ARE NO WORDS IN EXISTENCE, NOT EVEN CABBAGE, WHICH CAN QUANTIFY EXACTLY HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. I WOULD SAY THAT YOU SHOULD ALL BE FUCKING SHOT, BUT IT’S A WASTE OF PERFECTLY GOOD BULLETS THAT WOULD HAVE MORE VALUE BEING FIRED AT ROCKS. DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE, YOU VACUOUS CUNTS. AT LEAST THEN SOME FUCKING RETARD CAN FEEL THE WARMTH, AND YOU WILL HAVE DONE SOME FUCKING GOOD IN YOUR LIVES.

Still, though. I just can’t sum it up. Sure, every life is precious, blah, blah, blah, but there are some lives which would be more precious as firewood. If you have ever tried to drum up more interest in a non-news topic by implying through scare quotes or blatant lies that the story is something else, I ask you to please, PLEASE, think of the state of humanity, and self-immolate. It’s not too late to rid the world of your until-you-are-on-fire-you-are-absolutely-uselessness by burning yourself, preferably in a giant pile made out of all your friends, family, and anyone who has ever encouraged you.

I hate you all.

Fuck off.

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MOVIE REVIEWS

by on Jun.29, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, how are you today?, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Today, I will enter into the world of the unknown, and bring you with me, as I review movies. At the end of today, the unknown will be misnamed, and the known will be trying to take it’s place. I’m not going to waste any more time, so here’s the first review.

Shutter Island

I watched this last night. The movie started out with the main guy going to a mental institution, and having hallucinations. Because of this, it came as no surprise that the twist was that he was actually an inmate there, and was crazy all along. I was expecting a second twist, where he was really sane the whole time, and the conspiracy he was trying to unravel the entire movie was real. That never happened, though, so it ended pretty badly, I guess. Because he was hallucinating the whole time, it was actually pretty hard to tell which parts were meant to be real and which parts were meant to be hallucinations, which makes me think that the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAPPEN AT ALL. The director was spending too much time trying to be spooky and artistic, and all the suspense was thrown off by the fact that the main guy’s dead girlfriend showed up right near the start, and she wasn’t burnt to death like he said she was, but sopping fucking wet, with a bleeding gut. Then she turned into ash WHICH JUST CONFUSED THE ISSUE FUCKING MORE. I really wish they would just FIGURE OUT THEIR FUCKING METAPHORS, AND STOP TRYING TO BE ARTSY.

I think I may have away some given spoilers there, but if you wanted to watch the movie, you should have thought better than that.

Sex And The City 2

I’ll just put this out there. I haven’t seen Sex and the City 2. I haven’t seen Sex and the City 1. I haven’t really seen more than various clips from Sex and the City, the TV show. I can sum up everything I know about the franchise here:

  • They get naked sometimes.
  • They’re all pretty old now, so this isn’t really a good thing.
  • Sarah Jessica Parker looks a lot like a horse.
  • I am not the target market.

So with all those things in mind, I will attempt to review this movie.

Ok, so when the movie starts, I assume that everyone involved is still in whatever city it is that they live in. It’s probably New York, or San Francisco. They are the only two cities in America that I know of where people can get their tramp on and get rewarded. I’m pretty sure that they’re not the same city, either, but you can never really tell. San Francisco has a bridge, I think. Anyway, the plot advances when they decide that they’re going to the middle east for whatever fucking reason that they can come up with. They probably want to power-whore their way to finding Osama Bin Laden, so they can kill him with their veritable petri-dish of STD infected cunts.

Anyway, their reasons for wanting to become sluts in another time zone is shrouded in the mystery which can only be unravelled by watching the movie without shooting yourself in the fucking face. So going to the middle east could only really mean one of two locations. Either they’re going to Iraq to help the troops get their sick-leave earlier, or they’re off to Dubai, because, well let’s face it, that’s the only other place in the Middle East where anyone ever wants to go.

The place where they go at this point could totally change the outcome of the movie, so I’m going to write a parallel movie review from this point.

Iraq Dubai
The “girls” (like you can really call middle-aged whores who look like overripe horses “girls”) get drafted into some form of tour of duty which requires that they peddle their wares to troops who really should know better than to stick their penises into disease-ridden prune cunts.

Anyway, they get shot at a bit, and one of them gets a gaping wound blasted in their face by some fucking shrapnel. This is officially the coolest part in the entire fucking movie.

They all get the sads about it, and then they realise that the wound is about the size their vaginas once were, so they over-come by getting hundreds of men to come over it. They probably learn some valuable lesson about over coming (or coming over) adversity, and then they all die from AIDS.

The “whores” (I feel that this is a pretty appropriate name for them, really) decide to get their skank on in Dubai, because they hear that there are lots of rich men there, and they’re not having sex with anyone but their wives.

When they arrive, they realise that they aren’t allowed to drink anything, so their alcohol-based blood streams start to shut down. In desperation, they kill Samantha, and try to eat her liver. They are able to get at least a years supply of alcohol for a normal drunk out of it, but due to their rampant and insatiable whoreiness, they are unable to satisfy their appetites for more than an hour.

Carrie learns about her powers of telekinesis, but is unable to control them properly, and ends up impaling herself on a large, mechanical dildo.

The other two girls try to solicit sex from the hotel manager, who calls the police. They are both thrown in jail, where they learn the truth about life or something. Then they die from AIDS.

I can’t be certain that that’s how the movie goes, but I’m pretty sure that no-one has ever watched it through entirely, so I’m probably pretty safe here.

I think that is all that I need to say about the Sex and the City Franchise.

I hope you enjoyed my film reviews.

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Twilight is so lame

by on Jun.22, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Twilight is so lame. Only faggots would watch it.

I mean, oooh look at me, I’m a sparkly emo vampire covered in glitter herpes. Oooh I don’t want you to see me like this Bella. I’m so perty. See my balls? Look at them shine. Look at them shine. Look at them shine.

(Totally awesome pop culture reference there but none of you emo fat twilight mums will ever get it because you aren’t as COOL AS ME, like Professor Q from the 1933 remake of Voyage to Planet Xenopop).

Speaking of sparkly, what’s with that? You have a multi million dollar production team with a combined CGI effort that is slightly less effective than just rolling the lead actor in a vat full of glitter glue. Which he’d probably sniff in order to create that slightly dead “I can’t act” thing he has going on. He could also save on hairspray- it costs him several cans of the stuff a day just to keep the faggy emo poofy hair thing going.

Ooooh bella. I’m so emo and pensive. you smell like a nice slab of medium-rare wagyu. I could totally eat your face off any minute, but I’m not going to because I’m going to totally tap that ass as soon as its legal. Booya!

Which begs the question- I’m not even 30 and I cannot fucking stand teenagers. How the hell does a 100 year old vampire put up with them? Oh look at you, Mrs Jailbait with the perky boobs unaffected by gravity but your FUCKING ANNOYING GO AWAY AND BE EMO SOMEWHERE ELSE. Hes not even poking her yet and IS STILL CAPABLE OF like totally being like, in her presence and shit like yo.

I rate it 3/10 stars because its essentially just a remake of the 1833 classic “Lolita”

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So your relationship is doomed? That may be to do with your posts on facebook.

by on Jun.21, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

I will never understand it. I will probably never TRY to understand it, but the fact that it isn’t immediately understandable is a bad indication. What I’m talking about is a common trend that you will have seen through your friends on facebook, twitter, and almost any other form of social network. It’s a trend which I find cuntish, fucking vile, stupid as shit, and all manner of other cunt, shit, or fuck inspired adjectives.

I’ll stop talking around the issue. Your wall/feed/whatever is NOT the correct place to be discussing your private issues you SHALLOW FUCKING RETARDED CUNTWAFFLE. I fear that that may be understating it a little.

I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL FUCKING ISSUES WITH WHATEVER USELESS CUNT YOU LIVE WITH, FUCK, CARESS IN THE “NAUGHTY SPOT”, OR OTHERWISE ALLOW TO SHOVE THEIR SHIT IN YOUR MASSIVE, GAPING, GONORRHOEIC, CUNT. I SIMILARLY DO NOT CARE IF SOME PERSON WHO YOU INVESTED TIME AND EFFORT IN “ISNT WORTH IT U BICH IM BEUTIFUL NO MATER WOT U SAY HOW DAR U SAY THT 2 ME!”

I’m being serious here, though. Discussion about who has cunted you over, especially in VERY FUCKING BROAD TERMS, WHICH SINGLE OUT NO-ONE, IN HORRIFIC BROKEN ENGLISH WHICH WOULD MAKE A LEPER BLUSH can happily fuck off. I don’t want to hear it. I really fucking don’t. Excuse the fact that posting “u kno who u r” is possibly the SINGLE MOST RETARDED FUCKING THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE DO, SINCE INJECTING YOUR ROTTEN FUCKING ANUS WITH HYDROCHLORIC ACID. Sorry, you probably didn’t inject your anus with any type of acid, I’m just projecting my desires again.

The point remains, though. Your passive-aggressive bullshit where you try to stick it to nobody-in-particular is a waste of those precious kilobytes of data that it takes up. Your senseless drivel is only superseded in pointlessness by the fucking cuntlips who take the bait by telling you “There not worth it n e way” and “Ur butiful sweety”.

I have never before, in my life, seen such horribly, mind-burning mutual fucking masturbation, and I’ve seen lemon party. FOR A WHILE, IT WAS MY FUCKING DESKTOP. You people really need to get the fuck off the Internet, and sort out your fucking lives rather than whining about them. OH SO YOU’VE GOT NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE, SO THE ONLY WAY PEOPLE WILL REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE ALIVE IS IF YOU FUCKING CRY ABOUT SOME OTHER CUNT WHO YOU CLAIM ISN’T WORTH YOUR TIME IN THE FIRST PLACE? THAT’S REALLY FUCKING LOGICAL, ISN’T IT. THEY AREN’T WORTH YOUR FUCKING TIME YET THEY ARE THE ONLY FUCKING THING THAT YOU POST ABOUT? IF YOU REALLY HATE THEM SO MUCH, THEN WHY ARE YOU SPARING THEM THE WRATH OF YOUR FRIENDS BY REFUSING TO NAME THEM? IS IT BECAUSE NO-ONE HAS ACTUALLY WRONGED YOU? IS IT BECAUSE YOU JUST MADE THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING UP? IS IT BECAUSE, 3 YEARS FROM NOW YOU WILL STILL BE STUCK FUCKING THE SAME RETARDED DICKHEAD THAT YOU HATE SOOOO MUCH BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN FUCKING DO? WELL MAYBE IT FUCKING WELL IS. ACCEPT IT AND STOP COMPLAINING. IF IT’S NOT THEN FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, AND STOP COMPLAINING.

IF YOU DON’T LIKE SOMEONE, BUT ARE STILL HANGING AROUND WITH THEM BY YOUR OWN CHOICE, THEN YOU HAVE NO-ONE TO BLAME BUT YOUR FUCKING SELF, SO FUCKING DITCH THEM ALREADY AND SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU USELESS, DISEASED, MAGGOTY, INFECTED, VAPID, SHIT-FILLED, FUCKING CUNTS. MY THREE STRIKE POLICY OF SHITTING UP MY FEED IS PERHAPS TOO FUCKING LENIENT. IF YOU DO IT, AND I DON’T CARE, YOU ARE FUCKING GONE. I WANT NOTHING ELSE TO DO WITH YOUR FUCKING DRAMATIC LIVES.

FUCK.
YOU.
U kno who u r.

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