The Daily Jerk

CUNTS

The one who calls wolf quite often.

by on Jul.06, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH

Today I would like to share with you a story. A story of love, and of loss; of house mates, and sex shops. I would like to share with you the story of “Cam”. I could change his name to protect the innocent, but let’s face it, those who know me already know of him, and those who don’t won’t be able to find him through what I tell you.

His name was “Cam”, which you can probably assume was short for “Cameron”. I won’t tell you his last name, because frankly I’ve forgotten it. I wouldn’t be able to track him down if I wanted to, and I really don’t want to.

So if this person is so particularly distasteful to me, why am I bringing him up? Why now, after I haven’t lived with nor seen him for nearly five years now? Because of this:

No, I didn’t just receive this. It’s an old letter. Someone pointed me to it again, and I had no other plans for today’s post. That’s why you’re getting this today.

The back story is this: I had accidentally paid my week’s rent into his bank account, realised my mistake, and had attempted to contact him to nicely ask if he could rectify the mistake. He returned the money, but also added this beautifully worded letter. I know that many of you here would be thinking “Nicely? You? I seriously doubt that”, but I really just wanted my rent money back, so I wasn’t about to be a dick about it.

The content of the letter isn’t that important. There are just a couple of sticking points, though, that always make me smirk. First up, he reprimands me for acting foolishly. I must admit, I should probably have been more careful when checking that I had, in fact, selected the correct account to transfer money to. It’s a mistake that I had not made before, and have never made since. He sounds almost hurt at this point. A minor inconvenience for him was perhaps a biting blow to his ego.

Next is some rather unimportant stuff about the finer workings of netbank, including one of my all time favourite words “erroneous”. Nothing here of interest, really other than his claim that it will now be physically impossible for him ever to transfer money to me. There is also talk of how busy he is, which I won’t delve in to here.

Finally we arrive at the most baffling part of the letter. This is the part which really inspired the entire post.

“The one who calls wolf quite often”

Long have I wondered what this means. Is he accusing me of being a liar? Is he saying that he lies, frequently? Is this some kind of trying-to-be-deep sign off? Am I actually an idiot for missing some hilarious contemporary reference?

This line has always confused me. It has no context, no exact or deliberate meaning. This is the type of shit that makes me want to punch people in the throats, but also hug and comfort the poor, confused people. IT MAKES NO SENSE. It SEEMS to be referencing the old folk tale of “the boy who cried wolf”, but I can’t figure out why. He had stooged me for bill money before (part of the reason why he was no longer my flat mate), so perhaps he thought that bills were frivolous fancies of mine, and that he would indulge me for the moment, but when a REAL expense came up, my pleas may fall on deaf ears.

It could be a reference to a TV show, or a song, added as a regular sign off or signature. I tried my good friend Google, but to no avail. It exists no-where in the world outside of this letter.

Then some days, like now, I think perhaps that this was his final stab. His final kick into my hypothetical teeth of logic. Something designed to worry, no, TORTURE me until my dying breath. A statement so devoid of reason that it makes “Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?” seem like a sane thing to say.

If this is the case, Cameron, then I must say this to you, sir. Well played.

You fucking cunt.

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“Scare” quotes, and other things that “journalists” should stop doing before I stab them all in the fucking face.

by on Jul.05, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Scare quotes are an interesting thing. They change the perception of meaning, without actually having to change the meaning. Stupid cunts with no fucking integrity (“Journalists”) use them to imply conflict of interest when there is none. They use them to make idiots think that there is news in the stupidest places. For this, I blame the Internet entirely. Once, news articles went through editors, who’s job it was to fact-check articles, and make sure that they weren’t just masturbatory cunt puss.

Now we have the Internet, where “Everyone has the scoop”™, which has led to cluster-cunts claiming to be journalists, and every non-noteworthy piece of bile being treated as breaking, headline fucking news. Then we were faced with a problem, where there was so much noise, that NO-ONE KNEW WHAT NEWS WAS IMPORTANT. Every piece of irrelevant drivel was ENTIRELY INDISTINGUISHABLE from EVERY OTHER PIECE OF TUMOUR INDUCING, SELF PLEASURING, SEMEN ENCRUSTED, VOMIT STAINED, POINTLESS CRAP THAT IS GETTING TOUTED AS NEWS. So to combat this, people decided that you had to make EVERYTHING SCANDALOUS. WHAT EASIER WAY OF CREATING SCANDAL THAN BY IMPLYING IT WHERE NONE EXISTS.

THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS REPORT ON THE IMPLICATION OF SCANDAL, RATHER THAN REPORTING ANYTHING OF USE TO ANYONE FUCKING EVER. Just think about it; which of these headlines would be most likely to get you to read?

  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from new tax
  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from new “tax”
  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from “new” tax
  • Politician says public have “nothing to fear” from new tax
  • Politician says “public” have nothing to fear from new tax
  • “Politician” says public have nothing to fear from new tax
  • “Politician” says “public” have “nothing to fear” from “new” “tax”

They all say the same words, they all mean the same thing, but every one SEEMS like it’s saying something different. THEY ARE ALSO ALL TRYING TO SEX UP SOME OTHERWISE BULLSHIT PIECE OF NON-NEWS BY MAKING IT SEEM THAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE FUCKING SCARED. THEY ARE LIKE AIR QUOTES, BUT YOU CAN’T FUCKING PUNCH THE CUNT WHO USES THEM IN THE FACE. OH HOW I WANT TO PUNCH THEM IN THEIR STUPID FUCKING FACES.

IT’S PEOPLE LIKE THIS WHO CAUSE NON-NEWS TO BE PARADED AROUND LIKE IT’S WORTH HALF A FUCK (THE SECOND HALF, WHERE EVERYTHING IS STICKY AND SHAMEFUL, AND THE CAT KEEPS LOOKING AT YOU LIKE IT WILL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN). YOU MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNTS ARE THE ENTIRE PROBLEM. IT HAS NOW SPREAD INTO TRADITIONAL PRINT PAPERS, SO WE CAN’T EVER FIND A SINGLE SKERRICK OF ANYTHING THAT EVEN SLIGHTLY RESEMBLES ACTUAL FUCKING INFORMATION. YOU CUNTS DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE, AND THE WORLD WOULD BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU “JOURNALISTS” (THAT’S THE CORRECT WAY TO USE QUOTES, BECAUSE YOU VAPID, LIFELESS CUNTS HAVE LESS JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY THAN THE DIARRHOEA THAT YOU VOMIT ALL OVER THE PAGE) WERE LINED UP AND SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEADS.

This kind of useless fucking time wasting has spawned into an even worse form of Television “journalism” (again, using the correct, contemptuous, form of scare quotes). Current fucking Affairs. Every time I see one of these programs, it makes me want to vomit blood and piss through my eyeballs. THAT WOULD BE MORE FUCKING ENJOYABLE. They not only waste time, BUT THEY FUCKING LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING JUST TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THERE IS A FUCKING NEWS STORY, OR AN INJUSTICE IN THE WORLD WHERE THERE’S NOTHING BUT STUPID FUCKING BOGANS WHO CAN’T HELP BUT SPIT BABIES OUT OF THEIR EARS RATHER THAN CLEANING UP, GETTING JOBS, OR PAYING THE FUCKING RENT. HERE’S A TIP: IF THEY PAID THEIR FUCKING RENT, THEN THEY WOULDN’T BE GETTING EVICTED. IF THEY STOPPED EATING SOLIDIFIED FUCKING FAT, THEN THEY WOULDN’T HAVE DOCTORS TELLING THEM TO LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT.

THEY ARE NOT THE FUCKING VICTIMS, YOU USELESS PACK OF CUNT BLOODIED, SHIT EATING, MAGGOT FILLED, CHILD RAPING, ARSE FISTING, CRACKED OUT, SEMEN STAINED, URINAL CAKE GOBBLING, FUCKING THATCHERIST, CONSERVATIVE, MINDLESS, TOSSER, VENOMOUS, PENIS BREATHED, FLUFFY BUNNY LOVING, DISGRACES TO THE NAME OF FUCKING HUMANITY, ANIMALS, INTELLIGENT LIFE FORMS, OR ANYTHING ELSE ALIVE, INCLUDING FUCKING AMOEBAS.

NOT EVEN THAT CAN SUM UP THE CONTEMPT THAT I HAVE FOR YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTS. THERE ARE NO WORDS IN EXISTENCE, NOT EVEN CABBAGE, WHICH CAN QUANTIFY EXACTLY HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. I WOULD SAY THAT YOU SHOULD ALL BE FUCKING SHOT, BUT IT’S A WASTE OF PERFECTLY GOOD BULLETS THAT WOULD HAVE MORE VALUE BEING FIRED AT ROCKS. DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE, YOU VACUOUS CUNTS. AT LEAST THEN SOME FUCKING RETARD CAN FEEL THE WARMTH, AND YOU WILL HAVE DONE SOME FUCKING GOOD IN YOUR LIVES.

Still, though. I just can’t sum it up. Sure, every life is precious, blah, blah, blah, but there are some lives which would be more precious as firewood. If you have ever tried to drum up more interest in a non-news topic by implying through scare quotes or blatant lies that the story is something else, I ask you to please, PLEASE, think of the state of humanity, and self-immolate. It’s not too late to rid the world of your until-you-are-on-fire-you-are-absolutely-uselessness by burning yourself, preferably in a giant pile made out of all your friends, family, and anyone who has ever encouraged you.

I hate you all.

Fuck off.

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Stop thinking. It’ll only make things harder.

by on Jul.02, 2010, under CUNTS, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

All of today’s problems can be simplified down to one root cause. You. In particular, your incessant insistence that you can actually make a difference. You will find that all the problems that concern you would simply go away, if you could simply SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

Have you ever had a dickhead mate who constantly whined about how bad their life was? Did you ever notice how all those problems never showed up in your life any more once you BEAT HIS FUCKING TEETH IN WITH A LEAD PIPE? This is what’s holding back governments and businesses from getting things done. Whiny little CUNTS LIKE YOU. They can’t even BREAK THE JAWS OF EVERY PERSON WHO DOESN’T SUPPORT THEM WITHOUT LITTLE FUCKING SHIT-SMEARED CUNT RAGS LIKE YOURSELF GETTING ALL UPPITY AND “OH THAT’S BRUTALISM!”

Well on behalf of anyone who’s either been voted or back-stabbed their way into power:

FUCK YOU.

YOU ARE WHY THERE’S OUTRAGE ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, OR MINING TAXES, OR RADIATION LEVELS IN MILK. YOU ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM. QUIT YOUR BITCHING, AND LET US DO OUR FUCKING JOBS. IF YOU HAD ANY SAY, YOU WOULD BE ONE OF US. AS YOU AREN’T ONE OF US, I THINK IT’S SAFE TO SAY THAT NO-ONE GIVES TWO FUCKS AND A FART IN HELL WHAT YOU FUCKING THINK, YOU SNIVELY LITTLE BALL OF PRIMORDIAL SLIME, PRETENDING AT PLAYING POLITICS.

JUST ONCE, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE HOW YOU WOULD GO MAKING THE BIG FUCKING DECISIONS. OH WHAT A WORLD THAT WOULD BE. EVERYONE WOULD WOULD BE SO FUCKING HAPPY, WITH YOUR SHIT-SMEARED GRINS, AND YOUR CUNT-FACED OPINIONS. WELL TOO FUCKING BAD. YOU DON’T GET A FUCKING SAY, BECAUSE ALL YOU WOULD DO IS FUCK IT UP FOR US.

So now that we have that out of the way, let us discuss how our interests are your interests, not that we even need to justify this, but maybe it will help you to accept it AND SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE HOLE, YOU FUCKING CUNTS. We are the people who you VOTED for, or who OWN YOUR JOB, or that STABBED THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ANYONE WHO TRIED TO OPPOSE US. In short, IF YOU FUCK WITH US, YOU WON’T HAVE A LIFE LEFT TO LIVE. WE WILL STUFF YOUR HEAD THROUGH YOUR ANUS SIDEWAYS, COVER YOU IN SALT, AND THROW YOU INTO A FUCKING BLOOM OF OIL. ANY PARTS WHICH STILL SHOW SIGNS OF LIFE WILL BE FED TO EXPLODING FUCKING SHARKS. YOU WILL BE MAULED, DIGESTED, THEN BLOWN TO FUCKING PIECES. ALL WHILE YOUR FAMILY WATCH. IT WILL BE THE GREATEST NEW REALITY TV SHOW, AND YOU KNOW THAT THOSE USELESS CUNTS YOU LIVE WITH WILL JUST LAP IT UP.

YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT DOWN THE THROATS OF BABIES, YOU ARE SO STUPID. I WANT TO JUST HORK IT ALL UP, SPIT IT DOWN THEIR THROATS, AND CHOKE THEM TO DEATH SO THAT THEY’LL NEVER GROW UP TO BE MORE OF YOU.

So the next time you feel the need to moan or complain, just think about what you are really doing. You’re not making a difference, you’re just making the people who’s opinions DO count wish you were dead. The fact that you are still alive is nothing other than proof that they really do care.

They care that you are still able to vote them back in the same place next election.

They care that you can keep spending your money on the crap they’re selling.

They care that you can keep working long hours to make the crap that you have to save for weeks to afford to buy.

They care.

So shut the fuck up already.

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BIG TOPIC SERIES: RACISM

by on Jul.02, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Hello, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, how are you today?, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

It’s another instalment of Daily Jerk’s BIG TOPIC series, this time we’re going to talk about racism.

You know all about racism I’m sure. It’s there in the back of your head. You look at someone who is different than you, and smirk to yourself about how clearly you are superior. Or maybe you don’t, who am I to assume? (wait, who am I kidding. I’m a daily jerk, and of course you do. Good to see our roles are clear here, let’s continue)

Racism. It’s time you revelled in it. Practice it even. You can be a better racist than you are now with some work.

Just think how wonderful it would be if everyone different to you was eliminated. Some narrow minded people might call this genocide, or ethnic cleansing. But you know better than that. It’s just getting rid of the maggoty filth of this world. Am I right?

Get rid of them if their skin is a different colour.
Then get rid of them if their eyes have a different shape.
Then get rid of them if they have noticeably different hair.
Then get rid of them if their nose is a different shape.
Then get rid of them if their eyes are a different colour.
Then get rid of them if they’re shorter than you.
Then get rid of them if they have freckles.
…keep going till there is none left but you.

Oh my, isn’t that a blissful world?

So now it’s time to practice getting your hate on. Remember, everyone is different to you, and so everyone is inferior to you, right?

With that in mind, your exercise for the day is this – next time you’re out in the street, and you see someone who looks like you – find the things that are different, and turn that into a racial slur. Bonus points if it’s new and original.

That’s right boys, girls and MAGGOTS. I want you to go out and start practising racial epitaphs against your own “race”. It’s a game wogs, gringos, palefaces, spics, niggers, crackers, slants, towelheads, whiteys, nazis, honkeys, commie pinko liberals, rednecks, and more can enjoy.  Even a felch monkey like yourself can get in on the act with this, that’s how easy it is.

But you know what? The whole thing is fucked actually. You’re all actually just sacks of carbon and water acting like intelligent hominids anyway, so it’s not like I really expect that you’d know any better. In fact, I’d tear you a new arsehole except you’re spewing shit from both ends already and I’d really rather that you kept it inside if at all possible.

But I bet you can’t even do that right, since you’re just a mindless blood pumping, skeletal supported, dermally covered POOR EXCUSE FOR A FAILED ABORTION!

OK. Fuck it. We’re done here.  You’re not worth it any more. Get off my lawn. Game’s over.

(Fuckin’ biped)

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End of financial year sale!

by on Jun.30, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

Yes! Everything must go! We have to sell as much as possible so that it looks good on our books! We figure that the only way to sell anything is to have CONSTANT SALES!  THIS IS BECAUSE WE REALISE THAT YOU VACUOUS CUNTS JUST FOCUS ON THE WORD “SALE”, COMPLETELY IGNORING THE FACT THAT YOU’RE STILL PAYING MORE THAN SIX FUCKING TIMES MORE THAN THE HORRIBLE PIECE OF CRAP YOU’RE BUYING IS WORTH!

The end of the financial year is a perfect occasion to have a sale! Everyone is thinking greedily about their tax rebates, and won’t notice that we JACKED UP THE PRICES BEFORE THE SALE SO THE 20% DISCOUNT IS STILL 5% MORE EXPENSIVE THAN IT USED TO BE. IT’S FUCKING GENIUS! You stupid fucks… I mean “loyal customers” will be unknowingly rewarding… uh… REWARDED BY us!

Seriously, though, the “end of financial year” is a fucking bullshit pile of crap. Who decided that the financial year should run OVER TWO FUCKING YEARS, BUT ONLY HALF OF EACH. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE, YOU STUPID CUNTS. I DON’T CARE WHY YOU DID IT, IT WILL ALWAYS JUST SEEM LIKE ANOTHER EXCUSE TO HAVE ANOTHER STUPID FUCKING SALE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE YEAR TO COMBAT THE DRY SPELL IN SALES WHEN EVERYONE IS TRYING TO GET THEIR FUCKING DEBT UNDER CONTROL. BUT OF COURSE THAT’S THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT, ISN’T IT. IF PEOPLE ARE EVER OUT OF DEBT, THEY COULD AFFORD THINGS OF “QUALITY” WHICH ARE NEVER SOLD WITH TACKY GIMMICKS, AND WHICH ACTUALLY FUCKING LAST MORE THAN THE 3 MONTHS UNTIL THE NEXT SALE, WHERE YOU’LL ADVERTISE THE SLIGHTLY-UPGRADED-BUT-STILL-LAUGHABLY-OUT-OF-DATE MODEL, WHICH WILL COST EVEN MORE THAN THE LAST “NEW MODEL” DID WHEN IT CAME OUT.

IT’S ALL A FUCKING PLAN TO KEEP THE CONSUMER CLASS CONSUMING BY MAKING IT SEEM LIKE THEIR LIVES WILL ONLY BE FULFILLING IF THEY ARE POURING MORE FUCKING MONEY AT YOU. IT’S NOT LIKE YOU EVEN FUCKING NEED ANY MORE MONEY, YOU VILE, MAGGOTY, CAPITALIST CUNTS. YOU HAVE MORE MONEY THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY USE. THE AMOUNTS OF MONEY THAT YOU HAVE ARE SO FUCKING MIND BOGGLINGLY MASSIVE, THAT IT ACTUALLY HAS NO FUCKING MEANING ANY MORE.

You wouldn’t even NEED money once it gets past the point where the rate of growth can be meaningfully counted by the hour, let alone minute. It would be impossible to spend that. There’s also a good chance that you’re the kind of cunt who wouldn’t give a shit about family, so you’re not amassing this wealth for anyone but you, AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO FUCKING SPEND IT.

EVERY TIME I SEE ONE PARTICULAR ALL-SINGING-ALL-DANCING AD ABOUT A PARTICULAR END OF FINANCIAL YEAR SALE, I KILL A FUCKING KITTEN, BY SHOVING IT UP THE ANUS OF A BABY FUCKING RABBIT, AND THEN KICKING IT AS FAR AS I FUCKING CAN OVER THE NEAREST FUCKING PILE OF RUSTY KNIVES. I HAVE FUCKING HUNDREDS OF PILES OF RUSTY FUCKING KNIVES. THEY ARE THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME SANE, AND KEEPING THE CUNTS IN BIG BUSINESS FROM STEALING MY FUCKING MONEY. THE SECOND LINE OF DEFENCE IS AN ARMY OF THATCHER CLONES, WHO ARE CROSS-BRED WITH BRONWYN BISHOP.

ANY CUNTS TRYING TO GET NEAR ME, AND MY HARD-EARNED MONEY CAN GO DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE, WHICH IS INCIDENTALLY EXACTLY WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN IF YOU CALL MY PHONE TO TRY TO SELL ME A FUCKING PHONE.

I WANT TO STAB YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT WITH THE DEAD FUCKING KITTEN-RABBIT-KNIFE-EBOLA (I MENTIONED EBOLA, RIGHT?) MESS THAT I CREATED EARLIER.

FUCK.

OFF.

YOU.

FUCKING.

CUNTS.


FUCK YOU.

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MOVIE REVIEWS

by on Jun.29, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, how are you today?, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Today, I will enter into the world of the unknown, and bring you with me, as I review movies. At the end of today, the unknown will be misnamed, and the known will be trying to take it’s place. I’m not going to waste any more time, so here’s the first review.

Shutter Island

I watched this last night. The movie started out with the main guy going to a mental institution, and having hallucinations. Because of this, it came as no surprise that the twist was that he was actually an inmate there, and was crazy all along. I was expecting a second twist, where he was really sane the whole time, and the conspiracy he was trying to unravel the entire movie was real. That never happened, though, so it ended pretty badly, I guess. Because he was hallucinating the whole time, it was actually pretty hard to tell which parts were meant to be real and which parts were meant to be hallucinations, which makes me think that the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAPPEN AT ALL. The director was spending too much time trying to be spooky and artistic, and all the suspense was thrown off by the fact that the main guy’s dead girlfriend showed up right near the start, and she wasn’t burnt to death like he said she was, but sopping fucking wet, with a bleeding gut. Then she turned into ash WHICH JUST CONFUSED THE ISSUE FUCKING MORE. I really wish they would just FIGURE OUT THEIR FUCKING METAPHORS, AND STOP TRYING TO BE ARTSY.

I think I may have away some given spoilers there, but if you wanted to watch the movie, you should have thought better than that.

Sex And The City 2

I’ll just put this out there. I haven’t seen Sex and the City 2. I haven’t seen Sex and the City 1. I haven’t really seen more than various clips from Sex and the City, the TV show. I can sum up everything I know about the franchise here:

  • They get naked sometimes.
  • They’re all pretty old now, so this isn’t really a good thing.
  • Sarah Jessica Parker looks a lot like a horse.
  • I am not the target market.

So with all those things in mind, I will attempt to review this movie.

Ok, so when the movie starts, I assume that everyone involved is still in whatever city it is that they live in. It’s probably New York, or San Francisco. They are the only two cities in America that I know of where people can get their tramp on and get rewarded. I’m pretty sure that they’re not the same city, either, but you can never really tell. San Francisco has a bridge, I think. Anyway, the plot advances when they decide that they’re going to the middle east for whatever fucking reason that they can come up with. They probably want to power-whore their way to finding Osama Bin Laden, so they can kill him with their veritable petri-dish of STD infected cunts.

Anyway, their reasons for wanting to become sluts in another time zone is shrouded in the mystery which can only be unravelled by watching the movie without shooting yourself in the fucking face. So going to the middle east could only really mean one of two locations. Either they’re going to Iraq to help the troops get their sick-leave earlier, or they’re off to Dubai, because, well let’s face it, that’s the only other place in the Middle East where anyone ever wants to go.

The place where they go at this point could totally change the outcome of the movie, so I’m going to write a parallel movie review from this point.

Iraq Dubai
The “girls” (like you can really call middle-aged whores who look like overripe horses “girls”) get drafted into some form of tour of duty which requires that they peddle their wares to troops who really should know better than to stick their penises into disease-ridden prune cunts.

Anyway, they get shot at a bit, and one of them gets a gaping wound blasted in their face by some fucking shrapnel. This is officially the coolest part in the entire fucking movie.

They all get the sads about it, and then they realise that the wound is about the size their vaginas once were, so they over-come by getting hundreds of men to come over it. They probably learn some valuable lesson about over coming (or coming over) adversity, and then they all die from AIDS.

The “whores” (I feel that this is a pretty appropriate name for them, really) decide to get their skank on in Dubai, because they hear that there are lots of rich men there, and they’re not having sex with anyone but their wives.

When they arrive, they realise that they aren’t allowed to drink anything, so their alcohol-based blood streams start to shut down. In desperation, they kill Samantha, and try to eat her liver. They are able to get at least a years supply of alcohol for a normal drunk out of it, but due to their rampant and insatiable whoreiness, they are unable to satisfy their appetites for more than an hour.

Carrie learns about her powers of telekinesis, but is unable to control them properly, and ends up impaling herself on a large, mechanical dildo.

The other two girls try to solicit sex from the hotel manager, who calls the police. They are both thrown in jail, where they learn the truth about life or something. Then they die from AIDS.

I can’t be certain that that’s how the movie goes, but I’m pretty sure that no-one has ever watched it through entirely, so I’m probably pretty safe here.

I think that is all that I need to say about the Sex and the City Franchise.

I hope you enjoyed my film reviews.

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Staking your claim on the web

by on Jun.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Identities should be restricted to one person. I can see the point of one person having multiple identities on the web, but I can’t see why multiple people would want to share an identity. I hate it when I’m trying to stalk find someone online, and I instead find six other people using the same fucking user name.

I use the name “hugejerk” in many places, and so far I am the only one using that name that I’ve come across. This is how it should be. I found a name, staked it out, and EVERY OTHER CUNT ON THE INTERNET CAN FUCK OFF. I have other user names which, however unique they were when I started using them, are now used by other STUPID FUCKING SHIT MUNCHERS who are dirtying up MY GOOD FUCKING NAME with “bebo” accounts, and FUCKING RETARDED QUESTIONS ON FORUMS.  Added with their INABILITY TO STAY IN THE ONE FUCKING SPOT ON THE WEB FOR MORE THAN FIVE FUCKING SECONDS, I have my own personal brand CORRODED BY FUCKING HUNDREDS OF STUPID FUCKING SEARCH RESULTS. DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS TO GOOGLE FOR MYSELF WHEN SOME STUPID KID IS DILUTING MY FUCKING NAME WITH PUERILE FUCKING QUESTIONS ON “AVENGED CUNTFOLD” MESSAGE BOARDS? HOW THE FUCK AM I MEANT TO KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT ME IF HALF THE RESULTS ARE NO LONGER ME?

The problem is only worsened when we get to other people. Some useless CUNT BEAST adds me on some chat program or other, because their FUCKING SHIT-CUNT FRIEND started using the same name as me, just with a different fucking suffix. THEN THEY THINK I’M FUCKING LYING WHEN I TELL THEM THAT I DON’T KNOW WHO THE FUCK THEY ARE. THEY FUCKING ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT WHO I AM, AND THEN WHEN I TELL THEM, THEY THINK I’M JUST PLAYING A HUGE FUCKING JOKE. That’s when I usually say “Lol! u got me! hay look at my pic” and send them to goatse, or lemonparty. This usually gets them off my back.

Sometimes, though, I decide that I want to know who this FUCKING IMMATURE CUNT who is talking to me ACTUALLY FUCKING IS, just to prove to them that the Internet isn’t as fucking safe as they think. It usually takes about five minutes with google to find all the stupid sites where they signed up. Facebook usually drops the “finding out who they are” task to about five seconds now (thank fuck for bad privacy settings and everyone on the Internet thinking “WHO WOULD WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME LOL”). But still, I run into the SAME FUCKING NAME DILUTION PROBLEM.

Some people would claim that this is security through obscurity, but personally I think that it’s MORE FUCKING PROOF THAT PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT SHOULD BE FUCKING LINED UP, SHOT IN THE LEGS, AND THEN FED TO SOME VERY HUNGRY, AND VERY ANGRY MEAT ANTS. It doesn’t prove that you are safe from predators, it shows that THERE ARE EVEN MORE PEOPLE JUST AS FUCKING STUPID AS YOU ARE, YOU USELESS, FUCKING OXYGEN THIEVING, HERPES RIDDEN, WANKING, TODGER-BREATHED, WASTE OF DNA, MAGGOTY CUNT. EVEN WORSE, THEY ARE ALSO USING THE SAME FUCKING USER NAME AS YOU, SO YOU CAN’T EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW FUCKING USELESS YOU ARE.

JUST ASSUME THAT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE IS YOU, THAT YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ALIVE, AND BURN DOWN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE TO MAKE SOME SPACE FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN GRASP THE BASIC CONCEPT OF “RATIONAL FUCKING THOUGHT”. I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT IF YOU CAN’T GRASP SIMPLE THINGS LIKE THAT, YOU SHOULD BE GIVEN THE SAME FUCKING OPPORTUNITIES AS EVERYONE ELSE. IT’S INEFFICIENT WASTAGE. THE ONE FUCKING PRODUCTIVE THING YOU COULD DO FOR THE WORLD IS TO CHAIN YOURSELF INTO YOUR CAR AND DRIVE OFF A CLIFF.

People may think that this is harsh, but that is because THOSE PEOPLE KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT THEY ARE ONLY ONE FUCKING RETARDED POST AWAY FROM BEING ASSIGNED THE SAME FUCKING FATE.

I feel that if someone has used your user name anywhere else on the net, you have total rights to set fire to their stupid fucking face, just for making you look bad. If they make you look better, however, then you still have first dibs on the name, but you must be pretty fucking retarded, so I don’t think anyone will care that much if you get killed off.

In other news, did you know that drinking large quantities of battery acid helps you to lose weight? You should do it, and stop bothering me any more.

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Flagged for your consideration

by on Jun.24, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

Guess who? Yes, me again. If you’ve not read my stuff before (why not you CRETIN?), then grant me a moment to introduce myself. I’m just like everyone else here – a jerk. Except different. And by different I mean better. Why? Because I’m right, obviously. Do I have to explain everything? (*sigh* yes, clearly I do. Let’s get on with it)

Today I’d like to talk to you about flags. Big flags, little flags, the flags that explorers waved from the tops of mountains to tell everyone else trying to get there that they should just bugger off and go home because they clearly LOST, and the flags that the Romans invented because they were an EMPIRE dammit And the flags that you see on cars.

For years the only cars with flags were diplomatic vehicles, but lately there has been a disturbing trend. Cheap flags.

So I have to ask. HOW IS FLYING A TACKY PLASTIC NATIONAL FLAG THAT WAS CHEAPLY MADE IN CHINA AND GIVEN AWAY IN A WEEKLY FASHION MAGAZINE,  IN ANY WAY PATRIOTIC?

No you MAGGOTS, you don’t represent the country – you’re not in any way a representative of anything except of the United Unthinking Community of Moronia. You have no special standing and the only people running along side your car are your kids after you closed the door on the jackets they were still wearing and drove off to your SO FUCKING IMPORTANT appointment with your private nail-care specialist. All you are is a TWERP who has a plastic flag sticking out of the window thinking it’s the height of suave. In fact it’s such a useless thing that I bet I’d not even be able to STAB you with it if you came in range of me. Not that I’d want to of course, too great a risk of contracting some form of TWERPES from you. I shudder. I really do.

But in all fairness, I’d tolerate these things on Australia Day, but any other day of the year? nah. PISSOFF!

Now here’s a first – I correct myself. I don’t really tolerate them on Australia Day at all. In fact, their proliferation at that time just makes it more obvious to me just how dumb an idea they are in the first place.

But in actual fairness (since when has this blog ever been about fairness? Well, don’t try and tell me that I have to be one-eyed about this or I’ll take my ONE EYED MEMBER AND FUCK YOUR OESOPHAGUS AFTER I REMOVE THE MORE USELESS PARTS OF YOUR SKULL, WHICH ROUGHLY SPEAKING IS (but is not limited to) YOUR BRAIN! But I digress) part of this dislike is due to a simple dislike of the Australian flag as it currently exists. This is not to say that a better flag design would nullify this rant. I just might be a little less vocal about it.

A new flag design huh? Now that’s a REAL ISSUE SONNY, and we’ll have none of that crazy talk around these parts.

There are also sporting team flags seen on cars on occasions (and not just on sportsball day!), and the people who fly those are even more special than those I’ve previously noted. So special in fact that there is a special word reserved for these very very special people. That word is …CUNTS!. I don’t feel the need to elaborate any more. The place is full of them.

Now get off my lawn.

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Public transport: My life, my love, my legacy.

by on Jun.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Every now and then, I have to rely on public transport. It’s not really a choice, so much as a situation which is forced upon me. When I was younger, I grew up in a town where there was no public transport outside of three taxis, and a school bus. Being that I lived within walking distance to the school for many years, I never really had to use these options. As I aged, I eventually was forced by social pressures to change from my close school to one which was in the next town. Eventually, I was one of those lucky kids who got to ride the bus.

Moving to the city afforded me even more bus rides, as well as this great system of trains. Oh what a joyous day it was to be able to travel in air-conditioned comfort and style to hopefully where I intended to go if I managed to read the timetable correctly, and if it wasn’t too far out of date. After six and a half years here, though, I’m a little less enamored of public transport; jaded even.

There are a few things in particular that bother me about both buses and trains. There’s the smell, the other people (or “patrons”), and the unerring feeling that, no matter how carefully you checked, you just sat in a wet spot. None of these things piss me off quite as much, though, as the fares.

If I want to catch a train to work (a massive journey of one station), it costs me over two dollars. Why? I can’t fathom. Apparently travelling one station causes a massive amount of extra load on the system. Never mind that a trip from my old house to work (approximately fifteen stations) cost me… still over two dollars, but well under three. Apparently I must live on the border of the GIANT FUCKING INSURMOUNTABLE HILL, which incurs a fucking convenience fee equivalent to travelling eleven fucking stations. It’s not even paper tickets running on zones anymore. It’s fucking “go cards” which are meant to intelligently bill you for how far you travel in the Brisbane fucking public transport network. On top of that THEY KEEP UPPING THE FUCKING PRICES. Now that people aren’t DIRECTLY PAYING ANY CASH for heir tickets, they can’t keep good track of HOW MUCH A SINGLE TRIP COSTS, only OH FUCK I’VE GOT NO MORE MONEY ON MY CARD FOR WHORES.

THIS UTTER BULLSHIT TICKETING SYSTEM SHOULD BE COSTING ME LESS, NOT MORE TO TRAVEL ONE FUCKING STATION, YOU UPPITY FUCKING CUNTS. I WON’T EVEN MENTION THE FUCKING TEN DOLLAR BUY-IN JUST TO BE ALLOWED TO USE YOUR FUCKING CUNTED SYSTEM (WAIT YES I WILL, IT’S FUCKED), OR THE FACT THAT EVERY TIME ONE OF YOUR FUCKING MACHINES ISN’T WORKING PROPERLY, I GET FINED AN EXTRA FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS. THAT’S EVEN LEAVING OUT THE PART WHERE THE RECHARGE STATIONS SEEM TO DECIDE ON A FUCKING WHIM WHAT METHODS OF PAYMENT WILL MAGICALLY FUCKING WORK THIS WEEK.

I HAVE TO CARRY CASH IN THE FORM OF NOTES AND COINS, PLUS A FUCKING CREDIT CARD WITH ME JUST IN CASE YOUR STUPID FUCKING TEMPREMENTAL CUNT OF A MACHINE DECIDES THAT IT’S “NOT DOING EFTPOS TODAY” OR THAT CASH IS FINE FOR $10, BUT $20? HOLY FUCK GET THE SHIT OUT OF HERE. WHY NOT JUST INSIST THAT YOU GIVE YOU DIRECT FUCKING ACCESS TO OUR BANK ACOCUNTS, AND YOU CAN EXTRACT WHATEVER THE FUCK MONEY YOU WANT WHENEVER YOU WANT, YOU DOMESTICATED FUCKING CUNT-RAT OF A COMPANY.

That is NOT how you run a fucking company, but I guess you don’t fucking care because the plebeian cunts who use you have NO OTHER FUCKING OPTION. I AM GOING TO GET MY FUCKING TWO DOLLARS WORTH OF TRAIN RIDES BY CONSTANTLY RIDING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE TWO STATIONS WITHOUT PAYING ANOTHER FUCKING CENT. SURE IT MAY TAKE ME FOUR HOURS TO GET TO WORK, BUT IT WILL BE FUCKING WORTH IT.

You cunts can stop treating us like your own personal fucking piggy banks now.

FUCK YOU, public transport.

FUCK YOU.

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Improving things, like yourself, for my benefit. Yours too, I guess.

by on Jun.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Hello, how are you today?, STOP IT

I frequently hear the line on TV, in movies, on the internet, and from dickheads at parties, “Self improvement is masturbation, now self destruction…”. I never understood what it meant, and I would look it up on the internet, but I don’t care about the opinions of anyone who would discuss it. Everyone says that self improvement is a good thing, and my internet history will tell you that I sure love masturbation, so I guess we can’t go wrong there. I’m not certain exactly how masturbation is meant to improve your self, but I’m willing to find out through rigorous experimentation. It probably exercises your arm, so I guess that could be considered self improvement; good enough for me, at any rate. I’m still a bit concerned about the second part of the quote, especially as it isn’t complete. For now, let’s just ignore that, and focus on self improvement.

Now while I would sure love to write an entire post about masturbating, almost as much as you would love to read it, it is apparent that there are many other parts of the self that can’t be improved by touching myself. It is at this point that I would like to bring up another quote which gets passed around like marijuana at a party, or Miley Cyrus at a party; “help me, help you.” I particularly like this, as it signifies that we should all work together in order to make everything good for everyone. Once again, this doesn’t mean that everyone should participate in mutual masturbation, or even a dutch rudder arrangement. It means that I need you to help me with my self improvement. In turn, I will happily help you, by singling out areas in which you, yourself, can improve; no smelly hands required. Below are the areas of my self that I feel could use improving, and how I feel that you could help.

Money. Everyone needs money. Money literally makes the world go round. I was told as a child that God makes the world go round, and every time I went to church, everyone was chipping in to pay God; that is the only logical conclusion that I could make. I need money, and feel that personal wealth would be a great boon to my self esteem, and my happiness. So how can you help? By giving me money! I’m not asking for much, here. Every time you think about me, put aside some lose change for me. If you see me in the street, sling me a fiver. The real bonus with this one is that it helps us both learn a valuable lesson. I learn about the kindness of strangers, and you learn that material wealth isn’t as important as true happiness. Trust me, no-one is more truly happy than I am when you give me money. The lesson that you learn is almost important as the lesson that I will learn. I learnt that lesson a long time ago, as did people like Gandhi. It is only after you learn about the true nature of material wealth and happiness that you can finally accept it, and learn how to gain true happiness from material wealth.

Readers. If you are reading this, you no-doubt know the wonders of my writing. You know the insights, the highs, the humor which you can’t get from any other place. Why not share that with other people? I know that I would greatly benefit if I could touch the hearts, minds, and occasionally bodies, of even more people. This is another one which has benefit not just for me, but for many other people as well. Help to improve us all by sharing my words with your friends, colleagues, people you see on the street, other people on the internet. Anyone, really. I’m not fussy.

Spelling. As Professional Hatemonger is always so quick to spell out, I have difficulty spelling out words. Using a built in spell checker does help this somewhat, but occasionally I come across a word which it claims is spelled incorrectly. This is where you can help. If a word achieves much mainstream use, it will eventually have to be entered into dictionaries. Once it’s in dictionaries, then I can be happy that the words which I am using will no longer have squiggly red lines beneath them. Here are some words which are frequently marked as “incorrect”; words that you can help to make a difference on.

  • Cunt – By far one of my favorite words, but my spell checker frequently insists that it is spelled incorrectly.
  • Arse – The correct spelling, according to the Queen’s English. How often the Queen actually says ‘arse’ is anyone’s guess; I would like to think that behind closed doors, it is the majority of her vocabulary.
  • Cabbage – Okay, so this one is spelled correctly, but I merely want to change it to a swear word.
  • Hypodefenestration – The act of trying to throw something out of a window, but not putting enough energy into it so that it falls short or bounces off the glass. It’s pretty embarrassing.
  • Refenestration – The act of throwing something back into a window. Maybe you changed your mind or something.

With a little bit of help, I think that I should be able to write as a I feel, without being harassed by spell checkers.

Now I promised you that I would also point out some areas for you that I feel you could easily improve upon. These are just suggestions, so by all means don’t think that these are the only places in which you need to improve your life.

  • Monetary Wealth – You have too much of it, and it is clouding your judgement. You should give some to me, to show you the true importance of life.
  • Saying half a quote that you don’t quite understand in the hope that it will make you look intelligent – I hear a particular quote quite often from people on the internet, and at parties. It goes something like “Self improvement is masturbation, now self destruction…”, and every time I hear it, I feel like finishing the quote for them. The incomplete quite is rather meaningless, and when people say it, thinking that it has meaning, it just shows that they are faking it. For your own good, please stop doing this.
  • Spelling – Almost every single device on the internet has a spell checker these days. Back when text messages had limited characters, I could understand the need to shorten words. Now that you are back on the internet with a full keyboard, learn how to spell. Please, it’s for your own benefit, really. If u dont takl liek ths thn ppl wil want 2 tlk 2 u 2. It isn’t that hard, and the squiggly red lines aren’t meant to be a scoring system.
  • Entering usernames and passwords into applications which claim to tell you who has blocked you/is looking at your profile/thinks ur sExY lol – Once again, for your own good, and my sanity. Stop it. Every single one is a phishing scam, and even if they aren’t just assume that they are. Are you really that vain that you care who doesn’t want to listen to you talk? Do you want to exact some form of vengeance upon them for not caring about you? It won’t work, because they already don’t like you. Blocking them back won’t do anything.
  • Turning every list of “friends”, “followers”, etc. into a competition – It’s no good having 3000 followers if 1. they aren’t real people, and 2. none of them know or care about your opinion. If you genuinely have 3000 organic followers who are hanging off your every word, and really, really care about what you say, that’s great. If not, then you’re wasting everyone’s time.

That’s all for now. I hope that you take this advice and start working on your self improvement, and I sincerely hope you that you can help me with my own self improvement, too. Especially the money one.

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