The Daily Jerk

FABULOUS PRIZES!

Lining up for free stuff

by on Jul.30, 2010, under CABBAGE, corporate whores, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Free stuff!, lining up for fun and profit

In cities all across the country, people are standing in line. They are standing in the cold, in the rain, and into the small hours of the morning. They are all waiting for something; something big. Hundreds of people with no other connection are banding together, waiting through the night hoping to get their hands on something before any of their friends. The lines stretch back for streets, competing stores attracting hoards of people with their wares.

What could drive people to such lengths? What could cause so many people to abandon their common sense and warm beds in the middle of the week? Only one thing known to man could inspire this type of devotion.

Free stuff.

Walking through the streets of Melbourne, I saw hundreds of people lined up to get free things. Yellow scalves, hot coffees, and apparently even cakes were handed out to punters who couldn’t wait for more. On the other side of the street were people holding free blue and white umbrellas, and waiting. Free stuff unites people.

Of course not all free stuff is free. Some people will be spending hundreds, even thousands of dollars just to be able to get free things. This just goes to show how important free things are to some people.

By a strange coincidence, Apple is releasing a new phone at midnight, which seems like a shameless cross promotion. They are preying on the hundreds of people who want nothing more than to get free merchandise from their favorite telephone company. Sadly some of these poor people will fall to this expensive coup.

Happily some punters came prepared. They left their cash in the mattress and their wallets at home. This is the only way to be sure that your free stuff isn’t going to end up costing you down the line.

As I sit here writing this I shed a tear for those poor souls who will leave the line clutching a new phone and a 24 month contract. I hope that you still have room in your hands for a complimentary t-shirt. May you lose your phone on the way home, and get a free balloon.

Leave a Comment more...

Live every day like it’s your last

by on Jul.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, how are you today?, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, The one who calls wolf quite often

That’s the advice you’ll get from me! Live EVERY DAY like it’s your last day alive! Don’t hold back, just do it! You might die today, and have all these things left undone. It will torment you forever!

So it is all well and good to talk about living every day like it’s your last, but what does it really mean? Well that depends on how you want to be remembered. Do you want everyone to remember you fondly, and gather around occasionally to share the good memories? Well in that case, you need to die from a horrible terminal disease. Current popular ways to die are AIDS, cancer, or pretty much anything which is gradual, painful death. This gives people a chance to gather around you, while making it difficult for you to ruin the happy image that you want people to remember by being, well, you.

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t have the AIDS! How am I meant to pull this off?”

Well the answer is simple. Stay in bed all day, refuse to eat, and take heavy pain killers. You will develop a sickly pallor, be very vague, and lose muscle mass. Tell everyone that you don’t want to cause a fuss to anyone, least of all the medical system. The longer you are in this state, the more people will talk about how strong you are, fighting off the horrible disease. Of course, if you stick around too long, people will start to wonder. They will try to bring in nurses and doctors; after a while you won’t be able to turn them down, as you won’t have much of an idea what is going on any more. If this eventually happens, it is probably best to wander off while no-one is looking, and try to start a new life somewhere else. You could also try the miraculous recovery route, which lets you move into all sorts of fields like motivational speaking.

What if you don’t really care how people remember you? Well do I have the plan for you! You see, there is a little thing in this world called inhibition. It’s what stops you from doing what you want when you want. It’s what keeps you afraid that tomorrow will be another day, and that you will have to live through it. Happily, when you are living your final day, this inhibition is pretty useless, meaning that you can do whatever you want. So when you are living like it’s the last day you’ll be alive, all you have to do is drop all inhibitions. At a bakery? Think that eating four meat pies, three doughnuts, and a half-dozen caramel slices might not be a good idea? Well just go for it! You won’t be alive tomorrow to regret it!

Don’t have the money to pay for all of it? Who cares! Punch the baker in the face, and take keep eating. There’s no need to run away, or rob them, because you won’t be alive tomorrow. Just keep doing whatever you want. It doesn’t matter! After this, you should go to the pub. Have a few drinks, and pay for nothing. You’ll probably be dead tomorrow, so you are just trying to make the most of the limited time you have left. Who cares it it is 10AM? If it’s later, then you are already wasting your precious time.

Once you are drunk, that should help you to drop the last few inhibitions that you may be holding on to. Track down any girls (or boys) that you ever had a thing for. This is the last day you will have a chance, so you better not waste it! Remember to shout “Surprise!” when they see you, and if you still have clothes on at this point, then that’s more time wasted.

Call everyone who cares about you, and tell them exactly how you feel. It doesn’t matter if you make them cry, because they are fat and deserve to know it, besides they’ll be the only ones around to feel like jerks tomorrow; this is the last day that you are alive! Call the step father who touched you at night; tell him that you had herpes then, and he has it now. Call your mother and tell her that she ruined your life for not getting you that ultra-deluxe BMX when you were seven. Today is all about you, because this is the absolute last day you’ll get to live!

That is what it means to live every day like it’s your last. Of course, you will wake up the next day, but you just have to keep doing the same thing. You probably won’t be alive for much longer anyway.

1 Comment more...

Rewarding the useless for accidentally being less so.

by on Jul.14, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, Spill, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

We are living in a brave new world! Apparently the thing being called “The biggest environmental disaster of our century” (which personally I think of as both very optimistic, and a brilliant challenge) has been stopped, with BP capping the well! Let us all sing their praises and shower them with consumerism, to reward them for doing for taking several months to fix a problem that should never have happened in the first place! AREN’T THEY JUST THE BEST?

While we’re at it, we should meet our carbon reduction targets by letting everyone carry on business as usual, and only rewarding (by way of tax cuts) those businesses who actually try to do anything. THIS IS A PREFECT IDEA WHICH CANNOT HELP BUT SUCCEED. WHY WE’LL MAKE THOSE BUSINESSES SO KEEN FOR TAX CUTS THAT THEY’LL BE FIGHTING AMONGST THEMSELVES TO BE THE MOST “GREEN”! THIS PLAN IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FLAWLESS!

Apparently some people don’t understand when I’m being sarcastic, so this is especially for you, cosmicharade (and others).

I WAS BEING FUCKING SARCASTIC YOU USELESS, MOUTH BREATHING, HAM BEASTS! I DO THAT HERE. THAT’S PRETTY MUCH WHAT THIS SITE IS FOR. SORRY TO TEAR DOWN THE FOURTH FUCKING WALL HERE, BUT SERIOUSLY ARE YOU CUNTS THAT FUCKING STUPID?

So applauding BP is fucking retarded. They fucked up, failed to fix it for THREE FUCKING MONTHS, and now that the EVENTUALLY HAVE, they are some kind of fucking heroes? YOU BEST BE FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU CUNTS. IF SOMEONE SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE WITH A CROSSBOW THEN DECIDED TO SPEND THREE MONTHS “EXPERIMENTING” ON DIFFERENT WAYS OF HOW TO GET THE ARROW OUT, WHEN THEY FINALLY DID YOU STILL WOULDN’T BE FUCKING THANKING THEM. YOU ARE FORGETTING THE PART WHERE THEY SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE, AND COMPLETELY IGNORING THE THREE MONTHS OF DICKING THE FUCK AROUND. FOCUSING ON THE FACT THAT THEY EVENTUALLY FIXED IT DOES NOT NEGATE ALL THE FUCKING DAMAGE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED IF YOU THINK THAT IT DOES.

Rewarding people for doing what they’re meant to do is fine, IF THEY DO IT RIGHT, AND IN A TIMELY FUCKING MANNER. If the person shooting you with a crossbow did it accidentally, and immediately called an ambulance to have the arrow extracted properly, that might be forgivable. If they do it without laughing at the fact that you have a fucking arrow in your face, then you might even call their quick action commendable. If they insisted on doing it themselves, and fucking around with it in the process, THEN THEY SHOULDN’T BE REWARDED FOR FUCKING WELL EVENTUALLY GETTING IT RIGHT.

The same goes for the fucking business leaders who think that JUST BECAUSE there is a new prime minister, that you should be FUCKING REWARDED for doing the bare minimum, and left alone if you don’t fucking well do that. Here’s a carbon reduction policy for you:

Subsidise businesses in their attempts to use cleaner, renewable energy, and better, more efficient processes. Do this so that they aren’t put out of business trying to get up to spec. Pay for it by TAXING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ANY BUSINESS WHO DOESN’T MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE FUCKING BETTER. Don’t give breaks to big polluters because they’re nice guys, TAX THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THEM UNTIL THEY FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE MORE FUCKING EFFICIENT.

If a company really doesn’t care enough to change and contribute, THEN THEY’LL PROBABLY DIE IN A PIT OF UNPAID TAX. Of course, this will affect employment, but I’ve got that covered, too. HIRE MORE PEOPLE WORKING LESS HOURS, WHICH WILL BE SUSTAINABLE DUE TO THE SAVINGS MADE ON THE NEW FOUND EFFICIENT PROCESSES. YOU COUPLE PROBABLY AFFORD TO PAY EVERYONE MORE, TOO. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. IT’S ECONOMICS. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ECONOMICS, AND I’VE ALREADY COME UP WITH SOLUTIONS. IF I CAN DO IT, SURELY SOMEONE WHO’S JOB IT IS COULD FUCKING DO IT, AND I’LL BET THEY WANT A FUCKING PAT ON THE HEAD FOR DOING IT TOO.

So, in conclusion: Rewarding people for eventually undoing their own stupidity? Fucking retarded. Rewarding people for changing for the better, while ignoring people who aren’t contributing? Fucking cunt move. Calling me an armchair politician because I haven’t fixed the entire fucking world already? Just fucking shoot yourself.

Fuck you, cunts.

Cabbage.

8 Comments more...

First! And other things that should result in you being shot.

by on Jul.09, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MOTHERFUCKER, My skepticisim isn't the slightest bit dogmatic - how dare you, SHUT UP, Skeptic logic is infallible, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Wow! You commented first! What a position of power, of responsibility! Everyone will see your comment, meaning that it is the most important comment on the page. Too bad YOU FUCKING WASTED IT BY ADDING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF VALUE TO THE CONVERSATION, YOU USELESS, MAGGOTY, MOUTH-BREATHING, OXYGEN THIEVING, FUCKING THATCHER SLUTCUNT.

WOW NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT YOU REALLY ARE A BARELY FUNCTIONAL RETARD, WITH NO VALID INPUT INTO ANYTHING. NO LONGER WILL YOUR FRIENDS BE WONDERING IF YOU ARE A FUNNY GUY WITH AN ODD SENSE OF HUMOUR, OR AN AUTISTIC MONKEY ON CRACK. YOU WILL HAVE ADVERTISED TO THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE IN FACT ONE OF THE MOST USELESS HUMAN BEINGS ALIVE.

ON THE CHART OF USELESS PEOPLE, YOU ARE RIGHT UP THERE WITH JUSTIN BIEBER AND JUNKIES. THEN IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH, PEOPLE START COMPETING FOR SECOND PLACE. SECOND FUCKING PLACE! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? DID A PIANO GET DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD? PERHAPS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. FOLLOWED BY AN AXE, AND A FUCKING NUCLEAR WARHEAD. PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD.

This is why I am against public healthcare. It’s also why I’m against warning labels. Let stupid people look after themselves for about 2 years, and the world will be a whole heap smarter for it.

So this list of people who are more useless than balls on a truck; who are they? The list is longer than you can imagine (because you have a very limited imagination, not because it’s a massive list), so here is an abridged version.

People who are stupid cunts, and should not be allowed to live.

In no particular order:

  • People who put balls on a truck (or any vehicle for that matter)
  • People who put balls on a phone.
  • People who cut me off when I’m driving.
  • People who don’t indicate properly on roundabouts.
  • People who indicate right when going into a round about, when they’re not actually taking an exit to the right.
  • People who compete for the first comment on any post anywhere on the Internet.
  • People who, once they see that the first position has already been called by about six people, attempt to call “second”. Seriously, this happens.
  • People who comment on things just so they can see their name.
  • People who don’t even finish reading a headline before posting a comment.
  • Justin Bieber
  • People who think that it’s unfair that their opinions aren’t worth more than someone else’s.
  • People who actually complain that it is UNFAIR to THEM that OTHER PEOPLE need help.
  • People who CAN’T WAIT THEIR FUCKING TURN IN LINE.
  • People who TRY TO PRETEND THAT THERE ISN’T A LINE, AND ACT SHOCKED WHEN THEY GET TOLD THAT THERE IS ONE.
  • PEOPLE IN GENERAL CAN FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.
  • People who think that their moral views should be made law.
  • People who like Justin Bieber.
  • People who are really touchy with people they barely know.
  • People who exaggerate the truth.
  • Journalists on current affairs shows.
  • People who CAN’T USE COMMON FUCKING SENSE OR A BIT OF LOGIC, BUT STILL TRY TO ARGUE THE POINT WITH YOU.
  • People who start “discussions” (read: arguments) with no intention of allowing their point of view to change.
  • People who preach their point of views without being willing to listen to someone else’s.
  • People who make wild assumptions about someone else’s point of view based on their own idea of what the person is like.
  • PEOPLE WHO SHOULD DIE COLD, ALONE, AND IN A GIANT FUCKING HOLE FILLED WITH THE CORPSES OF OTHER PEOPLE LIKE THEM.
  • People who get offended by the word “cunt”.
  • Advertisers.
  • People who believe advertisements.
  • People who believe anything that they read without the slightest bit of suspicion.

The full list is much longer, but this gives you the basic idea. Your aim in life should be to live well, and not end up on this list.

Now FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.

2 Comments more...

Buy our crap! You know you need it because we told you that you do!

by on Jul.08, 2010, under CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, how are you today?, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Advertising can fuck off. It really can. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU CUNTS? Thanks to advertising, we have fucking retarded shit burgs buying the new iPhone 4, not because their old iPhone is broken, or because it’s particularly incapable of performing the same actions, BUT BECAUSE SOME FUCKING CUNT IN MARKETING TOLD THEM THAT THEY SHOULD.

I’m actually offended by the lengths that some advertisers will go to try to get money out of people. They don’t tell straight out lies, but FUCK do they ever misrepresent the truth, WHICH IS FUCKING WORSE. If someone tells you a lie, you can call it out as a lie AND BE ON YOUR FUCKING WAY. IF THEY’RE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, BUT IN A MISLEADING WAY, THEN SAYING ANYTHING JUST MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A WHINY LITTLE BITCH. THEY FUCKING KNOW THIS, AND THAT’S WHY THEY FUCKING WELL DO IT.

How do you sell hand soap? Everyone already KNOWS that washing your hands is a good thing, so there can’t be much more demand there. You call your soap ANTI-BACTERIAL, despite the fact that it doesn’t really do anything extra. Then you tell people that it MAGICALLY STOPS YOU FROM GETTING SICK. This HAS to be do with the anti-bacterial claim, right? NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T YOU CUNTS. WASHING YOUR HANDS WITH ANY OLD FUCKING SOAP WILL HAVE THE SAME EFFECT. IT’S NOTHING MAGIC, NEW, OR SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR PRODUCT, SO STOP PRETENDING THAT IT FUCKING WELL IS.

What about paracetamol? It’s a standard drug, and EVERY manufacturer has the same dose. SO WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE THINK THAT THE MORE EXPENSIVE BRAND WILL MAGICALLY WORK BETTER? OH THIS BRAND MUST BE BETTER OTHERWISE WHY WOULD THEY CHARGE SO FUCKING MUCH MORE? THEY SELL IT FOR MORE BECAUSE YOU BUY IT FOR MORE, BECAUSE YOU THINK THERE MUST BE A FUCKING REASON WHY IT COSTS MORE. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON, YOU STUPID CUNTS. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE US THAT YOUR PILLS ARE SOMEHOW MAGICALLY BETTER, DESPITE CONTAINING THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT AS ANY OTHER FUCKING BRAND. IF IT WAS DIFFERENT, STRONGER, OR WHATEVER IT WOULD BE FUCKING ILLEGAL TO SELL AS PARA-FUCKING-CETAMOL.

THERE SHOULD BE LAWS AGAINST MISLEADING ADVERTISING. IF YOU TRY TO ADVERTISE A FEATURE AS UNIQUE TO YOUR PRODUCT WHICH ISN’T, I SHOULD GET TO PUNCH YOUR FUCKING FACE INTO YOUR MOTHER’S WOMB. WITH A FUCKING SLEDGE HAMMER.

Worse are the ads who just assume that everyone is a TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT. Sure, I can understand that assumption (YOU CUNTS ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS), but to not even attempt to sugar coat it? Ads that TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE? DO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SHAME? NO TACT? ARE YOU FAT FUCKING CUNTS JUST SITTING BACK AND LAUGHING AT HOW STUPID PEOPLE ARE? I BET YOU FUCKING WELL ARE, TOO.

WELL FUCK YOU. YOU CUNTS DESERVE TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE, BUT YOU WOULD PROBABLY SPIN THAT INTO A GOOD THING ANYWAY (“BUCKSHOT IS THE NEW BEAUTIFUL”), AND THEN TRY TO SELL IT TO POOR FUCKING SAPS FOR TEN TIMES THE PRICE OF THE AMMUNITION.

THESE SOULLESS CUNTS ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, AND ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN CURRENT AFFAIRS “JOURNALISTS”, WHO VAGUELY RESEMBLE THE VOMIT AND PUSS THAT COMES OUT OF THE ANUS OF AN ADVERTISER AFTER YOU STAB THEM INTO A WELL JUSTIFIED DEATH. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK, BUT THAT’S PROBABLY JUST A FEATURE, ISN’T IT?

NEXT YOU WILL BE ADVERTISING FAULTS AS A FUCKING INTENTIONAL DESIGN CHOICE (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, APPLE). I MIGHT BE SOUNDING A BIT LIKE BILL HICKS HERE, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. IF YOU ARE IN ADVERTISING OR MARKETING, YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF RIGHT FUCKING NOW, AND DO THE WORLD A HUGE FAVOUR.

FUCK OFF AND DIE, YOU MAGGOTY CUNTS. STOP PLAYING ON FEARS, AND TRY TO MAKE A DECENT FUCKING PRODUCT INSTEAD.

In the paraphrased words of John Lennon:

You may say that I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll fuck off
And leave the world alone

Also, die.

Leave a Comment more...

End of financial year sale!

by on Jun.30, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

Yes! Everything must go! We have to sell as much as possible so that it looks good on our books! We figure that the only way to sell anything is to have CONSTANT SALES!  THIS IS BECAUSE WE REALISE THAT YOU VACUOUS CUNTS JUST FOCUS ON THE WORD “SALE”, COMPLETELY IGNORING THE FACT THAT YOU’RE STILL PAYING MORE THAN SIX FUCKING TIMES MORE THAN THE HORRIBLE PIECE OF CRAP YOU’RE BUYING IS WORTH!

The end of the financial year is a perfect occasion to have a sale! Everyone is thinking greedily about their tax rebates, and won’t notice that we JACKED UP THE PRICES BEFORE THE SALE SO THE 20% DISCOUNT IS STILL 5% MORE EXPENSIVE THAN IT USED TO BE. IT’S FUCKING GENIUS! You stupid fucks… I mean “loyal customers” will be unknowingly rewarding… uh… REWARDED BY us!

Seriously, though, the “end of financial year” is a fucking bullshit pile of crap. Who decided that the financial year should run OVER TWO FUCKING YEARS, BUT ONLY HALF OF EACH. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE, YOU STUPID CUNTS. I DON’T CARE WHY YOU DID IT, IT WILL ALWAYS JUST SEEM LIKE ANOTHER EXCUSE TO HAVE ANOTHER STUPID FUCKING SALE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE YEAR TO COMBAT THE DRY SPELL IN SALES WHEN EVERYONE IS TRYING TO GET THEIR FUCKING DEBT UNDER CONTROL. BUT OF COURSE THAT’S THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT, ISN’T IT. IF PEOPLE ARE EVER OUT OF DEBT, THEY COULD AFFORD THINGS OF “QUALITY” WHICH ARE NEVER SOLD WITH TACKY GIMMICKS, AND WHICH ACTUALLY FUCKING LAST MORE THAN THE 3 MONTHS UNTIL THE NEXT SALE, WHERE YOU’LL ADVERTISE THE SLIGHTLY-UPGRADED-BUT-STILL-LAUGHABLY-OUT-OF-DATE MODEL, WHICH WILL COST EVEN MORE THAN THE LAST “NEW MODEL” DID WHEN IT CAME OUT.

IT’S ALL A FUCKING PLAN TO KEEP THE CONSUMER CLASS CONSUMING BY MAKING IT SEEM LIKE THEIR LIVES WILL ONLY BE FULFILLING IF THEY ARE POURING MORE FUCKING MONEY AT YOU. IT’S NOT LIKE YOU EVEN FUCKING NEED ANY MORE MONEY, YOU VILE, MAGGOTY, CAPITALIST CUNTS. YOU HAVE MORE MONEY THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY USE. THE AMOUNTS OF MONEY THAT YOU HAVE ARE SO FUCKING MIND BOGGLINGLY MASSIVE, THAT IT ACTUALLY HAS NO FUCKING MEANING ANY MORE.

You wouldn’t even NEED money once it gets past the point where the rate of growth can be meaningfully counted by the hour, let alone minute. It would be impossible to spend that. There’s also a good chance that you’re the kind of cunt who wouldn’t give a shit about family, so you’re not amassing this wealth for anyone but you, AND YOU’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO FUCKING SPEND IT.

EVERY TIME I SEE ONE PARTICULAR ALL-SINGING-ALL-DANCING AD ABOUT A PARTICULAR END OF FINANCIAL YEAR SALE, I KILL A FUCKING KITTEN, BY SHOVING IT UP THE ANUS OF A BABY FUCKING RABBIT, AND THEN KICKING IT AS FAR AS I FUCKING CAN OVER THE NEAREST FUCKING PILE OF RUSTY KNIVES. I HAVE FUCKING HUNDREDS OF PILES OF RUSTY FUCKING KNIVES. THEY ARE THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME SANE, AND KEEPING THE CUNTS IN BIG BUSINESS FROM STEALING MY FUCKING MONEY. THE SECOND LINE OF DEFENCE IS AN ARMY OF THATCHER CLONES, WHO ARE CROSS-BRED WITH BRONWYN BISHOP.

ANY CUNTS TRYING TO GET NEAR ME, AND MY HARD-EARNED MONEY CAN GO DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE, WHICH IS INCIDENTALLY EXACTLY WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN IF YOU CALL MY PHONE TO TRY TO SELL ME A FUCKING PHONE.

I WANT TO STAB YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT WITH THE DEAD FUCKING KITTEN-RABBIT-KNIFE-EBOLA (I MENTIONED EBOLA, RIGHT?) MESS THAT I CREATED EARLIER.

FUCK.

OFF.

YOU.

FUCKING.

CUNTS.


FUCK YOU.

Leave a Comment more...

Ode to wedders

by on Jun.25, 2010, under FABULOUS PRIZES!, Heroes, how are you today?, I'm a poet now too

Ode.

I am feeling rather old,
As I reach that time of life.
Where my friends stop having children,
Settle down, and find a wife.

You see the breeding stage comes early,
When yo u’re in a country town,
As there’s nothing else to do,
When the waterhole is brown.

No movies and no shopping,
Lest you count the general store.
Which has a brilliant range of jerky
But closes after four.

Se everyone just breeds;
Little children everywhere.
Except the bastards who escape,
To Greece, or France, or Ayr.

But when you get to my age;
Tender young, though it may be;
Everyone wants commitment,
A house, and Holden HSV.

I may have left the town
At the age of seventeen,
But the friends I left behind
Couldn’t stop; they started breeding.

I don’t think any less of them,
They’re brilliant, every one.
But babies and then marriage.
Is the way they have their fun.

Ode.

1 Comment more...

100% pure cunt block

by on Jun.24, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MOTHERFUCKER, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

I don’t consider myself a writer, so I don’t think that it’s fair to call my current lack of inspiration “writers block”. I am, however, frequently a complete cunt. I am having trouble with being a cunt today, so what I have is obviously cunt block.

What a day to get it on, too. I could make all sorts of witty remarks about politics, but FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE is doing that already. So rather than contribute to the mass of noise that is EVERYONE CRAPPING ON about something which I will allude to only, but never name, I felt that today would be better spent discussing other things. Hopefully one of these things will so anger me, make me so incensed, so infuriated at the world, that I will actually end up saying something funny. Or at least I’ll end up writing all capitals in a large, red font.

Let’s be honest, you aren’t here to get witty political intrigue. You are here because, for some demented reason, you actually seem to like it when I start shouting in text. I figure that this blog is like a car-crash for some people. A car crash which goes on for months and never actually gets interesting.

It just proves that people love drama. This is why the news, TV, and other media is the way it is. Telling people about nice things doesn’t fucking cut it any more. PEOPLE WANT TO SEE BLOOD, AND GUTS, AND VEEEEIIINS IN MY TEETH. I often wondered why, in history, people went to see public executions for FUN. Going to WATCH PEOPLE DIE A HORRIBLE FUCKING DEATH, not because they did anything to you personally, but because YOU HAVE NOTHING FUCKING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.

That’s when I realised that you people haven’t fucking changed at all. You still slow down at fucking car crashes in the hope of seeing a SEVERED FUCKING LIMB. IT’S NOT EVEN PUNISHMENT ANY MORE. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK. MAYBE YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO BECOME A FUCKING ACCIDENT VICTIM YOURSELF BY SLOWING DOWN SO MUCH ON A MAJOR FUCKING HIGHWAY. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ACCIDENT YOU IN THE FUCKING CUNT WITH A LEAD PIPE? WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? WOULD IT?

CAN YOUR POINTLESS FUCKING LIFE BE SATISFIED IN SUCH A SIMPLE FUCKING MANNER? PERHAPS I SHOULD RUB BROKEN GLASS IN YOUR FUCKING EYEBALL FOR THAT “SKIDDED UP THE BITUMEN” LOOK. IF YOU’RE REALLY LUCKY, I’LL EVEN BREAK YOUR FUCKING FINGERS SO YOU CAN NEVER PLAY THE PIANO AGAIN.

You are a total fucking cunt, you know that? I thought I was bad, but you fucking REVEL in other’s misery. I just don’t think people like you should be allowed to fucking live in this world. I think you should be executed. Make a real show of it, too. Music, popcorn, splatter goggles. Serves you fucking right, you cunt.

1 Comment more...

Improving things, like yourself, for my benefit. Yours too, I guess.

by on Jun.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Hello, how are you today?, STOP IT

I frequently hear the line on TV, in movies, on the internet, and from dickheads at parties, “Self improvement is masturbation, now self destruction…”. I never understood what it meant, and I would look it up on the internet, but I don’t care about the opinions of anyone who would discuss it. Everyone says that self improvement is a good thing, and my internet history will tell you that I sure love masturbation, so I guess we can’t go wrong there. I’m not certain exactly how masturbation is meant to improve your self, but I’m willing to find out through rigorous experimentation. It probably exercises your arm, so I guess that could be considered self improvement; good enough for me, at any rate. I’m still a bit concerned about the second part of the quote, especially as it isn’t complete. For now, let’s just ignore that, and focus on self improvement.

Now while I would sure love to write an entire post about masturbating, almost as much as you would love to read it, it is apparent that there are many other parts of the self that can’t be improved by touching myself. It is at this point that I would like to bring up another quote which gets passed around like marijuana at a party, or Miley Cyrus at a party; “help me, help you.” I particularly like this, as it signifies that we should all work together in order to make everything good for everyone. Once again, this doesn’t mean that everyone should participate in mutual masturbation, or even a dutch rudder arrangement. It means that I need you to help me with my self improvement. In turn, I will happily help you, by singling out areas in which you, yourself, can improve; no smelly hands required. Below are the areas of my self that I feel could use improving, and how I feel that you could help.

Money. Everyone needs money. Money literally makes the world go round. I was told as a child that God makes the world go round, and every time I went to church, everyone was chipping in to pay God; that is the only logical conclusion that I could make. I need money, and feel that personal wealth would be a great boon to my self esteem, and my happiness. So how can you help? By giving me money! I’m not asking for much, here. Every time you think about me, put aside some lose change for me. If you see me in the street, sling me a fiver. The real bonus with this one is that it helps us both learn a valuable lesson. I learn about the kindness of strangers, and you learn that material wealth isn’t as important as true happiness. Trust me, no-one is more truly happy than I am when you give me money. The lesson that you learn is almost important as the lesson that I will learn. I learnt that lesson a long time ago, as did people like Gandhi. It is only after you learn about the true nature of material wealth and happiness that you can finally accept it, and learn how to gain true happiness from material wealth.

Readers. If you are reading this, you no-doubt know the wonders of my writing. You know the insights, the highs, the humor which you can’t get from any other place. Why not share that with other people? I know that I would greatly benefit if I could touch the hearts, minds, and occasionally bodies, of even more people. This is another one which has benefit not just for me, but for many other people as well. Help to improve us all by sharing my words with your friends, colleagues, people you see on the street, other people on the internet. Anyone, really. I’m not fussy.

Spelling. As Professional Hatemonger is always so quick to spell out, I have difficulty spelling out words. Using a built in spell checker does help this somewhat, but occasionally I come across a word which it claims is spelled incorrectly. This is where you can help. If a word achieves much mainstream use, it will eventually have to be entered into dictionaries. Once it’s in dictionaries, then I can be happy that the words which I am using will no longer have squiggly red lines beneath them. Here are some words which are frequently marked as “incorrect”; words that you can help to make a difference on.

  • Cunt – By far one of my favorite words, but my spell checker frequently insists that it is spelled incorrectly.
  • Arse – The correct spelling, according to the Queen’s English. How often the Queen actually says ‘arse’ is anyone’s guess; I would like to think that behind closed doors, it is the majority of her vocabulary.
  • Cabbage – Okay, so this one is spelled correctly, but I merely want to change it to a swear word.
  • Hypodefenestration – The act of trying to throw something out of a window, but not putting enough energy into it so that it falls short or bounces off the glass. It’s pretty embarrassing.
  • Refenestration – The act of throwing something back into a window. Maybe you changed your mind or something.

With a little bit of help, I think that I should be able to write as a I feel, without being harassed by spell checkers.

Now I promised you that I would also point out some areas for you that I feel you could easily improve upon. These are just suggestions, so by all means don’t think that these are the only places in which you need to improve your life.

  • Monetary Wealth – You have too much of it, and it is clouding your judgement. You should give some to me, to show you the true importance of life.
  • Saying half a quote that you don’t quite understand in the hope that it will make you look intelligent – I hear a particular quote quite often from people on the internet, and at parties. It goes something like “Self improvement is masturbation, now self destruction…”, and every time I hear it, I feel like finishing the quote for them. The incomplete quite is rather meaningless, and when people say it, thinking that it has meaning, it just shows that they are faking it. For your own good, please stop doing this.
  • Spelling – Almost every single device on the internet has a spell checker these days. Back when text messages had limited characters, I could understand the need to shorten words. Now that you are back on the internet with a full keyboard, learn how to spell. Please, it’s for your own benefit, really. If u dont takl liek ths thn ppl wil want 2 tlk 2 u 2. It isn’t that hard, and the squiggly red lines aren’t meant to be a scoring system.
  • Entering usernames and passwords into applications which claim to tell you who has blocked you/is looking at your profile/thinks ur sExY lol – Once again, for your own good, and my sanity. Stop it. Every single one is a phishing scam, and even if they aren’t just assume that they are. Are you really that vain that you care who doesn’t want to listen to you talk? Do you want to exact some form of vengeance upon them for not caring about you? It won’t work, because they already don’t like you. Blocking them back won’t do anything.
  • Turning every list of “friends”, “followers”, etc. into a competition – It’s no good having 3000 followers if 1. they aren’t real people, and 2. none of them know or care about your opinion. If you genuinely have 3000 organic followers who are hanging off your every word, and really, really care about what you say, that’s great. If not, then you’re wasting everyone’s time.

That’s all for now. I hope that you take this advice and start working on your self improvement, and I sincerely hope you that you can help me with my own self improvement, too. Especially the money one.

Leave a Comment more...

WITH A NICK OF TIME – BITCHES!

by on Jun.15, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Hello, how are you today?

I dub this “late-post Tuesday”. I didn’t get around to it until now, and it’s almost done with Tuesday ENTIRELY. As I’m running against time, I figure that I have two options:

  1. Try to write the best post that i can in a short amount of time.
  2. Swear heaps, call you all CUNTS, and then forget that it even happened.
  3. Jokes.

Fuck you, cunts. You should watch “Important things with Demetri Martin”. It’s funny, and he uses the two stupid options and “Jokes” line a lot. AND I FUCKING STOLE IT LIKE THE CUNT THAT I AM. HAH!

So I’ve obviously decided to go for option 2. FUCK SHIT CUNTY ARSE LIMPETS! YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF CUNTS!

OK, that’s what you get instead of quality. Arse limpets. I HOPE YOU CUNTS ARE FUCKING HAPPY NOW.

FUCK YOU.

2 Comments more...

Looking for something?

Use the form below to search the site:

Still not finding what you're looking for? Drop a comment on a post or contact us so we can take care of it!

Archives

All entries, chronologically...