The Daily Jerk

Fish are ANGRY at the world

Rewarding the useless for accidentally being less so.

by on Jul.14, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, Spill, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

We are living in a brave new world! Apparently the thing being called “The biggest environmental disaster of our century” (which personally I think of as both very optimistic, and a brilliant challenge) has been stopped, with BP capping the well! Let us all sing their praises and shower them with consumerism, to reward them for doing for taking several months to fix a problem that should never have happened in the first place! AREN’T THEY JUST THE BEST?

While we’re at it, we should meet our carbon reduction targets by letting everyone carry on business as usual, and only rewarding (by way of tax cuts) those businesses who actually try to do anything. THIS IS A PREFECT IDEA WHICH CANNOT HELP BUT SUCCEED. WHY WE’LL MAKE THOSE BUSINESSES SO KEEN FOR TAX CUTS THAT THEY’LL BE FIGHTING AMONGST THEMSELVES TO BE THE MOST “GREEN”! THIS PLAN IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FLAWLESS!

Apparently some people don’t understand when I’m being sarcastic, so this is especially for you, cosmicharade (and others).

I WAS BEING FUCKING SARCASTIC YOU USELESS, MOUTH BREATHING, HAM BEASTS! I DO THAT HERE. THAT’S PRETTY MUCH WHAT THIS SITE IS FOR. SORRY TO TEAR DOWN THE FOURTH FUCKING WALL HERE, BUT SERIOUSLY ARE YOU CUNTS THAT FUCKING STUPID?

So applauding BP is fucking retarded. They fucked up, failed to fix it for THREE FUCKING MONTHS, and now that the EVENTUALLY HAVE, they are some kind of fucking heroes? YOU BEST BE FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU CUNTS. IF SOMEONE SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE WITH A CROSSBOW THEN DECIDED TO SPEND THREE MONTHS “EXPERIMENTING” ON DIFFERENT WAYS OF HOW TO GET THE ARROW OUT, WHEN THEY FINALLY DID YOU STILL WOULDN’T BE FUCKING THANKING THEM. YOU ARE FORGETTING THE PART WHERE THEY SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE, AND COMPLETELY IGNORING THE THREE MONTHS OF DICKING THE FUCK AROUND. FOCUSING ON THE FACT THAT THEY EVENTUALLY FIXED IT DOES NOT NEGATE ALL THE FUCKING DAMAGE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED IF YOU THINK THAT IT DOES.

Rewarding people for doing what they’re meant to do is fine, IF THEY DO IT RIGHT, AND IN A TIMELY FUCKING MANNER. If the person shooting you with a crossbow did it accidentally, and immediately called an ambulance to have the arrow extracted properly, that might be forgivable. If they do it without laughing at the fact that you have a fucking arrow in your face, then you might even call their quick action commendable. If they insisted on doing it themselves, and fucking around with it in the process, THEN THEY SHOULDN’T BE REWARDED FOR FUCKING WELL EVENTUALLY GETTING IT RIGHT.

The same goes for the fucking business leaders who think that JUST BECAUSE there is a new prime minister, that you should be FUCKING REWARDED for doing the bare minimum, and left alone if you don’t fucking well do that. Here’s a carbon reduction policy for you:

Subsidise businesses in their attempts to use cleaner, renewable energy, and better, more efficient processes. Do this so that they aren’t put out of business trying to get up to spec. Pay for it by TAXING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ANY BUSINESS WHO DOESN’T MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE FUCKING BETTER. Don’t give breaks to big polluters because they’re nice guys, TAX THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THEM UNTIL THEY FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE MORE FUCKING EFFICIENT.

If a company really doesn’t care enough to change and contribute, THEN THEY’LL PROBABLY DIE IN A PIT OF UNPAID TAX. Of course, this will affect employment, but I’ve got that covered, too. HIRE MORE PEOPLE WORKING LESS HOURS, WHICH WILL BE SUSTAINABLE DUE TO THE SAVINGS MADE ON THE NEW FOUND EFFICIENT PROCESSES. YOU COUPLE PROBABLY AFFORD TO PAY EVERYONE MORE, TOO. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. IT’S ECONOMICS. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ECONOMICS, AND I’VE ALREADY COME UP WITH SOLUTIONS. IF I CAN DO IT, SURELY SOMEONE WHO’S JOB IT IS COULD FUCKING DO IT, AND I’LL BET THEY WANT A FUCKING PAT ON THE HEAD FOR DOING IT TOO.

So, in conclusion: Rewarding people for eventually undoing their own stupidity? Fucking retarded. Rewarding people for changing for the better, while ignoring people who aren’t contributing? Fucking cunt move. Calling me an armchair politician because I haven’t fixed the entire fucking world already? Just fucking shoot yourself.

Fuck you, cunts.

Cabbage.

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First! And other things that should result in you being shot.

by on Jul.09, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MOTHERFUCKER, My skepticisim isn't the slightest bit dogmatic - how dare you, SHUT UP, Skeptic logic is infallible, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Wow! You commented first! What a position of power, of responsibility! Everyone will see your comment, meaning that it is the most important comment on the page. Too bad YOU FUCKING WASTED IT BY ADDING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF VALUE TO THE CONVERSATION, YOU USELESS, MAGGOTY, MOUTH-BREATHING, OXYGEN THIEVING, FUCKING THATCHER SLUTCUNT.

WOW NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT YOU REALLY ARE A BARELY FUNCTIONAL RETARD, WITH NO VALID INPUT INTO ANYTHING. NO LONGER WILL YOUR FRIENDS BE WONDERING IF YOU ARE A FUNNY GUY WITH AN ODD SENSE OF HUMOUR, OR AN AUTISTIC MONKEY ON CRACK. YOU WILL HAVE ADVERTISED TO THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE IN FACT ONE OF THE MOST USELESS HUMAN BEINGS ALIVE.

ON THE CHART OF USELESS PEOPLE, YOU ARE RIGHT UP THERE WITH JUSTIN BIEBER AND JUNKIES. THEN IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH, PEOPLE START COMPETING FOR SECOND PLACE. SECOND FUCKING PLACE! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? DID A PIANO GET DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD? PERHAPS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. FOLLOWED BY AN AXE, AND A FUCKING NUCLEAR WARHEAD. PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD.

This is why I am against public healthcare. It’s also why I’m against warning labels. Let stupid people look after themselves for about 2 years, and the world will be a whole heap smarter for it.

So this list of people who are more useless than balls on a truck; who are they? The list is longer than you can imagine (because you have a very limited imagination, not because it’s a massive list), so here is an abridged version.

People who are stupid cunts, and should not be allowed to live.

In no particular order:

  • People who put balls on a truck (or any vehicle for that matter)
  • People who put balls on a phone.
  • People who cut me off when I’m driving.
  • People who don’t indicate properly on roundabouts.
  • People who indicate right when going into a round about, when they’re not actually taking an exit to the right.
  • People who compete for the first comment on any post anywhere on the Internet.
  • People who, once they see that the first position has already been called by about six people, attempt to call “second”. Seriously, this happens.
  • People who comment on things just so they can see their name.
  • People who don’t even finish reading a headline before posting a comment.
  • Justin Bieber
  • People who think that it’s unfair that their opinions aren’t worth more than someone else’s.
  • People who actually complain that it is UNFAIR to THEM that OTHER PEOPLE need help.
  • People who CAN’T WAIT THEIR FUCKING TURN IN LINE.
  • People who TRY TO PRETEND THAT THERE ISN’T A LINE, AND ACT SHOCKED WHEN THEY GET TOLD THAT THERE IS ONE.
  • PEOPLE IN GENERAL CAN FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.
  • People who think that their moral views should be made law.
  • People who like Justin Bieber.
  • People who are really touchy with people they barely know.
  • People who exaggerate the truth.
  • Journalists on current affairs shows.
  • People who CAN’T USE COMMON FUCKING SENSE OR A BIT OF LOGIC, BUT STILL TRY TO ARGUE THE POINT WITH YOU.
  • People who start “discussions” (read: arguments) with no intention of allowing their point of view to change.
  • People who preach their point of views without being willing to listen to someone else’s.
  • People who make wild assumptions about someone else’s point of view based on their own idea of what the person is like.
  • PEOPLE WHO SHOULD DIE COLD, ALONE, AND IN A GIANT FUCKING HOLE FILLED WITH THE CORPSES OF OTHER PEOPLE LIKE THEM.
  • People who get offended by the word “cunt”.
  • Advertisers.
  • People who believe advertisements.
  • People who believe anything that they read without the slightest bit of suspicion.

The full list is much longer, but this gives you the basic idea. Your aim in life should be to live well, and not end up on this list.

Now FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.

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BP – INTERNATIONAL HEROES

by on Jun.09, 2010, under evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, Fish are ANGRY at the world, Heroes

Don’t believe the lies. BP are international heroes, and this is why. They have given the world hundreds of tonnes of free oil that otherwise would be stuck inside the ocean floor, thus rendering it useless to everyone. The fascists in the white house try to confuse people by referring to the oil as crude. They call it an “environmental disaster”. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The “Government” is angry at BP because the leak is giving the world, for free, things which they can’t tax. It all has to do with taxation. This is the same reason why a plant developed through science to have all these helpful things (such as tar, stimulants, and several types of pesticides) is not only legal, but encouraged, and taxed like hell, while a naturally growing plant like marijuana is simply illegal. The libro-fascists want their dirty hands on you r hard earned money. You know that it’s good for you when the government are trying to tax it out of you. It shows you that they know what you need, and don’t want you to have it. They’re attempting to spin this giant gesture of good will from BP into some catastrophic disaster because it lets the people have what we need, without giving them a single red cent.

They tell you that it is harming animals. I say that it’s making animals better. Pre-oil? Seagulls were bright white, and easily visible in the dead of night, when they traditionally hunt. Now they are jet black, and lubricated to boot. They have become the crows of the sea. Intelligent, sleek, silent, and invisible against the murky darkness of oil. Did you know that you r body produces oil? It stops you r skin form going all wrinkly and gross when it’s soaking in water. What about the animals that live in water? When do those poor creatures get a break? They have to run their oil-factories 24/7 just to break even. Now, thanks to BP, they are literally swimming in oil, all of a stronger, better quality than the measly supplies they could produce themselves.

This behavior of complaining is typical of those eco-libero-fascists in the white house, though. They try to tell you everything is about to destroy the earth, just so they can sell you something which is half the speed, a quarter of the size, looks like junk, and costs less. Let me tell you something about things that cost less. They add up. I could buy one Hummer for $50,000 or I could buy two Prius’ for $80,000, and they would use about the same amount of petrol. I don’t know where you hokey people learned you r maths, but in my books, $80,000 is more than $50,000 and the petrol costs stay the same! Why would I need two Prius’ but only one Hummer? Because when you buy a Hummer, that’s the only vehicle you’ll ever need. Ever.

They keep arguing that even if we don’t believe “climate change” is happening, we should be working for a “better tomorrow”. Well I’ll tell you now, the only way tomorrow will be better for me is if I get a Hummer today. Then my tomorrow will not only be better, but will be awesome!

There is constant talk about “for our children”, and some people go so far as to say “for our childrens’ children”. I’ll give you a bit of wisdom that was handed down to me. We live our lives the way we do because of science. We get science from scientists. Scientists are smarter than normal people, and therefore, if they gave us this way of life, it must be right. When I have kids, they are going to be given a choice. Either they let the scientists do their job, and give us Hummers, neon lights, beer fridges, and the ability to double-dry our clothes, or they renounce everything that science has given us, and go it alone. I have a back lot especially designed to emulate (it’s a word from science) our world if science had never existed. It’s one hectare of unmanaged bush land crawling with snakes, spiders, wild boars, antelope, and tigers, surrounded by a three meter high electrified fence to remind them that they rejected science for a reason. They will have to learn how to speak, build a wheel, use it to harness electricity, and build a computer with wireless access all by themselves. If my children want to live in a different world without oil dependencies, or so called “pollution”, then they will have to build it themselves, from scratch.

Of course the nazi-eco-libro-fascists in the government don’t really want this to happen. They will cry “reckless child endangerment”, or “unfit parenting”, or “illegal possession of exotic animals”, but I can read through their lies. What they’re really saying is that if my child proves to be able to build a so-called “sustainable” world, they won’t be able to tax it. This is how it works, the world over. Someone offers something for free, and the government decries it as evil, or a waste, or a lie, just so they can control and tax it later. BP are trend setters and international heroes for letting us, Joe and Jane Average, have free, unlimited access to pure oil.

If you love you r country, you r planet, and free things, thank BP by buying exclusively at their service stations from now on. After all, they’re the only ones who offer BP Ultimate, and anything less will destroy you r Hummer’s engine.

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Blogs From My Human – Fish edition

by on Jun.04, 2010, under Blogz form mi hooman, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE

huh? huwhat? the thing that feeds me, forgets me, AND TERRORISES THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO WRITE A BLOG FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE? I WANT TO KILL HIM, NOT WRITE FOR HIS BLOG!

AND NOW I BET YOU EXPECT A FUCKING JOKE ABOUT HAVING A THREE SECOND MEMORY? YOU CUNT! YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING CUNT! I REMEMBER! I REMEMBER GROWING UP IN A NICE LITTLE TANK FULL OF PLANTS, AND MOSS, AND THE SNAILS, OH THE SNAILS. WE USED TO RACE THEM! MY FAVOURITE WAS OLD SPOTTY, WHO NEVER WENT VERY FAST, BUT HIS HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I FUCKING ATE HIM, ALRIGHT? HE FUCKING FELL OFF THE GLASS, AND WAS LYING THERE ALL HELPLESS, SO I FUCKING ATE HIM.

I’M A FUCKING FISH, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME? WELL FUCK YOU! I’M NOT GIVING YOU ANYTHING! NOT A FUCKING WORD FOR YOUR BLOG!

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN “SPEECH TO TEXT”? I’M A FISH I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING SPEAK! IF THERE EVER WAS A FOURTH WALL, IT’S BEEN LONG SINCE TORN DOWN BY THOSE FUCKING HOME WRECKERS BY NOW.

THAT’S IT! I’M SWIMMING INTO THE FILTER! HERE’S HOPING FOR THE GIANT TOILET BOWL IN THE SKY! OR AT LEAST THE FUCKING CAT.

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