The Daily Jerk

FUCKING RIOTS?!

Don’t go under the bridge, that’s where trolls live!

by on Aug.02, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, I'm 12 wat is this?, kids books, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, Stories for children, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Under the bridge is where trolls live, just like under the trap door in my garage is where I hide the bodies of neighborhood cunt beasts whose frisbees end up in my yard. It’s where they live in terms of sleeping, eating, and scaring goats, but not where they work. Where trolls really live is on the Internet, and what they eat is reactions. The sooner people learn this, the sooner we can get on about our lives without having fucking idiots telling us about “Cyber Security”, “Cyber Bullying”, and “Cyberspace Etiquette” every time some dead shit parent lets their retarded cunt spawn have a webcam in their bedroom.

All these supposed “Cyber Experts” seem to be old, confused, and still like to think of the Internet as that blue ‘e’ on their desktop which they can use to get to “the facebooks”. The advice they all spout has no real relevance to the way the Internet works, and is somewhere between kindergarten sand pit problem solving (tell the teacher), and the suggested response for terrorism (red alert bring in the SWAT teams and maybe Jack Bauer). Every little incident must be reported to the feds, because they seem to be so efficient at solving “Cyber Crimes”. Of all the problems in the world that people try to solve with prevention and education, this is one of the only ones where that might be the right way to go.

You see, the problem is that the Internet isn’t LIKE the playground. You can’t give someone a slap on the wrist for misbehaving, because you don’t make the rules. You can’t make rules based on your own morals or society because MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET AREN’T PART OF YOUR SOCIETY AND PROBABLY DON’T SHARE YOUR MORALS. Trying to FORCE them to see things your way is both AS IGNORANT AS A FUCKING ROCK, and NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WELL WORK.

Of course, these simple facts have never stopped certain people in various countries from TRYING to control the Internet, usually with a call of “SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” The thing is that these people who hatch plans to control the Internet invariably know ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT IT. They are probably the same type of retards who think that you can make unlimited free energy using magnets. They don’t listen to people who ACTUALLY FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING because they’ve labeled THEMSELVES THE FUCKING EXPERTS. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO ANYONE FUCKING ELSE? THEY MADE UP THEIR MIND AND BUILT THEMSELVES A WEBSITE IN MICROSOFT FUCKING FRONT PAGE, SO THEY MUST BE THE FUCKING EXPERTS.

ALSO HOW THE FUCK DO THESE CUNTS SPEND 8 HOURS A DAY “WORKING” ON A FUCKING STATIC WEBSITE? WHAT DO THEY DO? CLICK AROUND THE PAGES TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING THERE? I WRITE CONTENT EVERY FUCKING WEEK DAY, AND I DON’T SPEND 8 FUCKING HOURS, EVEN WHEN I’M ASSUAGING MY NEED TO STARE CONSTANTLY AT THE FUCKING STATISTICS. IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT FUCKING LONG TO “RUN” A FUCKING WEBSITE. THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LABELED YOURSELF AN EXPERT ON “CYBER” FUCKING ANYTHING IS A TESTAMENT TO YOUR FUCKING INEPTITUDE AS A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE LINED UP AND FUCKING SHOT BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY OF NO USE TO THE REST OF FUCKING SOCIETY. OH, SOMEONE WAS MEAN TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE FUCKING CUNT BEAST ON THE INTERNET? WELL IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNT SPAWN ISN’T PLAYING IN THE BAD AREAS. YOU CAN’T BLAME A FUCKING LORRY DRIVER FOR HITTING YOUR CHILD IF YOU LET THEM PLAY ON A 6 LANE FREEWAY, BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE SAME APPLIES TO THE FUCKING INTERNET. YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCKING CUNTS SHOULD EDUCATE YOURSELVES ABOUT WHERE IT’S SAFE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS BALL OF LARD AND FUCKING HAIR TO PLAY, OR YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING COMPUTER.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF YOU FEEL THAT INTERNET ACCESS IS A RIGHT FOR YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN, IF YOU CAN’T SPELL INTERNET, OR DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “GOOGLE” AND A WEB BROWSER, THEN YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ELECTROCUTED BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.

Computers and the Internet are handy tools, but like any other fucking tool, they’re not safe for children to use unsupervised. If you don’t feel that you can watch your child every fucking second of the day, then GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ARSE OFF THE COUCH, STOP WATCHING TODAY TONIGHT, AND FUCKING MONITOR WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE FUCKING DOING. SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH EFFORT? THEN DON’T FUCKING WELL LET YOUR KIDS USE THE DAMNED THING. DO WE NEED TO PUT FUCKING MASSIVE WARNING LABELS ON COMPUTERS SO THAT YOU KNOW THAT BAD THINGS CAN FUCKING HAPPEN? IF WE DID DO THAT WOULD YOU EVEN FUCKING READ THEM? IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A NAIL GUN SAFELY WOULD YOU LET YOUR 10 YEAR OLD PLAY AROUND WITH IT UNSUPERVISED? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO.

WHEN DID THE WORLD GET SO FUCKING DENSE? WHEN DID COMMON SENSE GET SO FUCKING RARE? SINCE WHEN DID CLAIMING TO BE AN EXPERT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY MAKE IT SO? WHEN WILL EVERYONE GET JUST SO SANE THAT I CAN STOP YELLING PROFANITIES AT YOU ALL? WILL ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS BE LESS RHETORICAL? I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!

YOU FAT BASTARDS.

1 Comment more...

Censoring the Internet – what you need to know.

by on Jul.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Hello, horoscopes, How did this become 'The Birds' slash-fiction?, Illuminati, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, SHUT UP, STOP IT, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Today I would like to talk about Internet Censorship. After talking to my legal department, however, it has been decided that some of the conversation may spark unwanted knowledge, which could affect the course of this blog. In response, I have taken the liberty of removing all these nonsense bits which could make you think, and leaving just the basic, easy to digest parts of the conversation. Here we go.

Internet censorship is REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED good REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED

REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED.The REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED government REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED shREDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTEDould be tREDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED

REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTEDRUSTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED with oREDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTEDU RREDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED FREEDOMREDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED

REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED! REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED

REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED

REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED Let usREDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED HOPE REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED OUR REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED

REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED gloriousREDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED

REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED LEADER REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED

Can REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED keep USREDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED safe.

For more discussion about this REDACTED REDACTED plan, visit REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED or click here.

1 Comment more...

Voting with your heart

by on Jul.19, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, Pirates, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH

Over the weekend, most people here in Australia would have been made aware of an impending election. This shouldn’t really come as a surprise  to them though, as it is something that happens every 3 years or so. In a previous post, I covered the major political parties, and why you shouldn’t vote for any of them. Seeing as adding your own candidate, or marking a “None of the above” choice isn’t allowed in this country, I felt that it was time to explore which candidates you SHOULD consider voting for in this crap-shoot of awful politicians. There are only three major players worth noting. I’m not telling you which one to vote for, because I think that they’re all a useless bunch of cunts, but hopefully I can help one of them to capture your heart.

Julia GillardJulia Gillard - Taking heart theft seriously

If you believe the hype, Julia Gillard is the candidate who is meant to steal your heart. I, of course, plan to take this literally. and am rather scared of her. She is currently leading the country after killing deposing Kevin Rudd. She is female, which means that feminists everywhere make a huge deal about her. For some reason being the first female prime minister is a bigger deal than being the elected prime minister, but if she’s successful in the next few months, then I guess she’ll be both. This attitude is also kind of degrading to all of the other women in politics because it’s just telling them that being a woman in power is more important than being a good politician or doing a good job. The logic here has always escaped me, but that is probably a rant for another time.

The other inescapable thing about Julia Gillard is how much her nose looks like a shark. I’m not saying this to be mean, not that she would ever read this blog; it’s just a casual observance, like how everyone ever realises that Sarah Jessica Parker looks a whole heap like a horse, and has never actually been hot. If anything, looking like a shark could work to her advantage, as people are afraid and respectful of sharks. In terms of political action, she’s doing her absolute best to reverse all the policies that made Kevin Rudd unpopular, in the hope that it will make people like her. The fear angle would probably work better. Anyway, you should vote for her if:

  • The idea of an elected female is more important to you than a good leader.
  • You vote labor every time anyway because that’s what your parents did.
  • You are scared of sharks, and think that keeping them happy is the best way of keeping them away.
  • You are an executive of a mining company.
  • You really enjoyed the movie Jaws.

Tony Abbot

Tony Abbot is leading the opposition. Leader is perhaps a bit of a strong term, as it implies that he has a plan, solid opinions, and anyone would actually want to follow him. This isn’t to say that he’s without principals. He has plenty of principals, but none of them are particularly useful for running a country, at least not one in the 21st century. He loves to tell everyone about how he is manly, and how he knows best for women, children, and pretty much everyone. In terms of self righteousness, he can mix it with the best of them, which is pretty standard in most politicians. The difference with Abbot is that while most politicians at least pretend to craft their opinions to match popular opinion, he just spouts whatever idea pops into his head, no matter if it is popular or not. He mixes the smugness of Kevin Rudd with the “never say sorry” attitude of John Howard, then wraps it up with some exotic birds in tight underwear. You should vote for Tony Abbot if:

  • You know best, no matter what anyone else says.
  • You think that speedos should be part of the national dress.
  • You always vote Liberal, just because.
  • You believe that everyone else should hold your morals, no matter what.

Bob Brown

Bob Brown leads the Greens. This is a party which doesn’t field enough candidates to ever hold power. They are, however, the largest of the minor parties, and usually hold enough seats so that they can carry or block any contentious piece of proposed legislation. As such, while they have no power to introduce any of their own policies, the two major parties usually have to play nice by the Greens in order to get things done. Because they will never be the leading party, they can happily offer policies which are popular in theory, but would piss off a lot of people if they were ever made law. It’s probably not necessarily a bad thing if those people get pissed off, but it doesn’t make for a sustainable country. Vote for Bob Brown if:

  • You eventually decided to stop supporting the major parties directly.
  • You want your vote to count a little bit more than if you voted for the Sex Party.
  • You love all that hippy crap.
  • You love to feel good about yourself, but are afraid of any real change.

I hope that this helps you decide better how to waste cast your vote. All the candidates are pretty bad, so it’s pretty much like picking turds out of a barrel. No matter which one you ultimately pick you’re still holding a handful of crap, and that can’t be sanitary.

21 Comments more...

Rewarding the useless for accidentally being less so.

by on Jul.14, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, Spill, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

We are living in a brave new world! Apparently the thing being called “The biggest environmental disaster of our century” (which personally I think of as both very optimistic, and a brilliant challenge) has been stopped, with BP capping the well! Let us all sing their praises and shower them with consumerism, to reward them for doing for taking several months to fix a problem that should never have happened in the first place! AREN’T THEY JUST THE BEST?

While we’re at it, we should meet our carbon reduction targets by letting everyone carry on business as usual, and only rewarding (by way of tax cuts) those businesses who actually try to do anything. THIS IS A PREFECT IDEA WHICH CANNOT HELP BUT SUCCEED. WHY WE’LL MAKE THOSE BUSINESSES SO KEEN FOR TAX CUTS THAT THEY’LL BE FIGHTING AMONGST THEMSELVES TO BE THE MOST “GREEN”! THIS PLAN IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FLAWLESS!

Apparently some people don’t understand when I’m being sarcastic, so this is especially for you, cosmicharade (and others).

I WAS BEING FUCKING SARCASTIC YOU USELESS, MOUTH BREATHING, HAM BEASTS! I DO THAT HERE. THAT’S PRETTY MUCH WHAT THIS SITE IS FOR. SORRY TO TEAR DOWN THE FOURTH FUCKING WALL HERE, BUT SERIOUSLY ARE YOU CUNTS THAT FUCKING STUPID?

So applauding BP is fucking retarded. They fucked up, failed to fix it for THREE FUCKING MONTHS, and now that the EVENTUALLY HAVE, they are some kind of fucking heroes? YOU BEST BE FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU CUNTS. IF SOMEONE SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE WITH A CROSSBOW THEN DECIDED TO SPEND THREE MONTHS “EXPERIMENTING” ON DIFFERENT WAYS OF HOW TO GET THE ARROW OUT, WHEN THEY FINALLY DID YOU STILL WOULDN’T BE FUCKING THANKING THEM. YOU ARE FORGETTING THE PART WHERE THEY SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE, AND COMPLETELY IGNORING THE THREE MONTHS OF DICKING THE FUCK AROUND. FOCUSING ON THE FACT THAT THEY EVENTUALLY FIXED IT DOES NOT NEGATE ALL THE FUCKING DAMAGE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED IF YOU THINK THAT IT DOES.

Rewarding people for doing what they’re meant to do is fine, IF THEY DO IT RIGHT, AND IN A TIMELY FUCKING MANNER. If the person shooting you with a crossbow did it accidentally, and immediately called an ambulance to have the arrow extracted properly, that might be forgivable. If they do it without laughing at the fact that you have a fucking arrow in your face, then you might even call their quick action commendable. If they insisted on doing it themselves, and fucking around with it in the process, THEN THEY SHOULDN’T BE REWARDED FOR FUCKING WELL EVENTUALLY GETTING IT RIGHT.

The same goes for the fucking business leaders who think that JUST BECAUSE there is a new prime minister, that you should be FUCKING REWARDED for doing the bare minimum, and left alone if you don’t fucking well do that. Here’s a carbon reduction policy for you:

Subsidise businesses in their attempts to use cleaner, renewable energy, and better, more efficient processes. Do this so that they aren’t put out of business trying to get up to spec. Pay for it by TAXING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ANY BUSINESS WHO DOESN’T MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE FUCKING BETTER. Don’t give breaks to big polluters because they’re nice guys, TAX THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THEM UNTIL THEY FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE MORE FUCKING EFFICIENT.

If a company really doesn’t care enough to change and contribute, THEN THEY’LL PROBABLY DIE IN A PIT OF UNPAID TAX. Of course, this will affect employment, but I’ve got that covered, too. HIRE MORE PEOPLE WORKING LESS HOURS, WHICH WILL BE SUSTAINABLE DUE TO THE SAVINGS MADE ON THE NEW FOUND EFFICIENT PROCESSES. YOU COUPLE PROBABLY AFFORD TO PAY EVERYONE MORE, TOO. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. IT’S ECONOMICS. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ECONOMICS, AND I’VE ALREADY COME UP WITH SOLUTIONS. IF I CAN DO IT, SURELY SOMEONE WHO’S JOB IT IS COULD FUCKING DO IT, AND I’LL BET THEY WANT A FUCKING PAT ON THE HEAD FOR DOING IT TOO.

So, in conclusion: Rewarding people for eventually undoing their own stupidity? Fucking retarded. Rewarding people for changing for the better, while ignoring people who aren’t contributing? Fucking cunt move. Calling me an armchair politician because I haven’t fixed the entire fucking world already? Just fucking shoot yourself.

Fuck you, cunts.

Cabbage.

8 Comments more...

The Patriot Act (Acting like you’re patriotic, when you’re really a cunt)

by on Jul.12, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It is said that there is a fine line between patriotism and being a cunt. I think that is bullshit, because it’s perfectly easy to like, love, and support your country without being an ignorant pile of anal leakage. In fact, I find that feeling patriotic is quite far removed from feeling like plastering your car with bumper stickers shouting the slogans “Australia: Love it or leave it”, or the ever witty “Fuck off, we’re full”.

There is a difference there. There are a few differences, actually, but the main one is that if you have the bumper stickers mentioned above, you are most likely a FUCKING USELESS BOGAN CUNT. The most hilarious part of this is that the proud bearers of the “Fuck off, we’re full” slogan, often have NO CONTROL OVER HOW MANY SHIT STAINED CUNT-BEASTS THOSE USELESS MAGGOTY FUCKS SPIT OUT. Apparently, despite our vast brown lands, we have absolutely no-where to fit even our measly sum of just over 20 million people. Any more useful members to society will just have to fuck off again, so that there’s enough room for us to spit out hundreds of under-educated, spin swallowing, watchers of A Current Affair. If we don’t stem the flow of trained migrants, there may not be enough jobs left to say we applied for on the Centrelink forms.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the JOBS that are the problem. No-one wants to DO the jobs. Getting some dirty migrant to actually WORK these jobs is largely a good call. The problem is that if the jobs get FILLED, then what are we going to apply for each fortnight? Jobs that we might actually be suited to? That would mean that we might GET the jobs, which would mean that we can’t be on Centrelink any more.

It’s this kind of rampant stupidity which I detest. I don’t HATE our country at all. I really genuinely love it, and know that I have a much better way of life than the vast majority of the rest of the world. I hate some (not all) of the inhabitants of this country, and that’s not the slightest bit unpatriotic. It’s just hating STUPID FUCKING CUNTS WHO KEEP SCREWING IT UP FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

It’s easy to see the difference between true patriotism, and vaguely disguised racist hate-talk. For example, there is a brilliant piece of Australian literature which goes something like this:

I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel sea,
Her beauty and her terror –
The wide brown land for me.

This is patriotic. Notice how it talks about the beauty of the country. It acknowledges that it can be scary, but the author loves the country anyway. Then we get to pieces like this:

Fucking bogan scum

Or this:

Somehow, people seem to think that the only way to tell the world how truly special your country is is to beat the fuck out of everyone who isn’t from it, and tell them to get out. This, obviously, makes them want to be part of your country even more. They never will be, though, because you and your mates will stick around to make sure that they’ll get the living fuck beaten out of them if they show their face again. After all, that’s the true Australian way.

You fucking cunts.

Leave a Comment more...

MOVIE REVIEWS

by on Jun.29, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, how are you today?, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Today, I will enter into the world of the unknown, and bring you with me, as I review movies. At the end of today, the unknown will be misnamed, and the known will be trying to take it’s place. I’m not going to waste any more time, so here’s the first review.

Shutter Island

I watched this last night. The movie started out with the main guy going to a mental institution, and having hallucinations. Because of this, it came as no surprise that the twist was that he was actually an inmate there, and was crazy all along. I was expecting a second twist, where he was really sane the whole time, and the conspiracy he was trying to unravel the entire movie was real. That never happened, though, so it ended pretty badly, I guess. Because he was hallucinating the whole time, it was actually pretty hard to tell which parts were meant to be real and which parts were meant to be hallucinations, which makes me think that the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAPPEN AT ALL. The director was spending too much time trying to be spooky and artistic, and all the suspense was thrown off by the fact that the main guy’s dead girlfriend showed up right near the start, and she wasn’t burnt to death like he said she was, but sopping fucking wet, with a bleeding gut. Then she turned into ash WHICH JUST CONFUSED THE ISSUE FUCKING MORE. I really wish they would just FIGURE OUT THEIR FUCKING METAPHORS, AND STOP TRYING TO BE ARTSY.

I think I may have away some given spoilers there, but if you wanted to watch the movie, you should have thought better than that.

Sex And The City 2

I’ll just put this out there. I haven’t seen Sex and the City 2. I haven’t seen Sex and the City 1. I haven’t really seen more than various clips from Sex and the City, the TV show. I can sum up everything I know about the franchise here:

  • They get naked sometimes.
  • They’re all pretty old now, so this isn’t really a good thing.
  • Sarah Jessica Parker looks a lot like a horse.
  • I am not the target market.

So with all those things in mind, I will attempt to review this movie.

Ok, so when the movie starts, I assume that everyone involved is still in whatever city it is that they live in. It’s probably New York, or San Francisco. They are the only two cities in America that I know of where people can get their tramp on and get rewarded. I’m pretty sure that they’re not the same city, either, but you can never really tell. San Francisco has a bridge, I think. Anyway, the plot advances when they decide that they’re going to the middle east for whatever fucking reason that they can come up with. They probably want to power-whore their way to finding Osama Bin Laden, so they can kill him with their veritable petri-dish of STD infected cunts.

Anyway, their reasons for wanting to become sluts in another time zone is shrouded in the mystery which can only be unravelled by watching the movie without shooting yourself in the fucking face. So going to the middle east could only really mean one of two locations. Either they’re going to Iraq to help the troops get their sick-leave earlier, or they’re off to Dubai, because, well let’s face it, that’s the only other place in the Middle East where anyone ever wants to go.

The place where they go at this point could totally change the outcome of the movie, so I’m going to write a parallel movie review from this point.

Iraq Dubai
The “girls” (like you can really call middle-aged whores who look like overripe horses “girls”) get drafted into some form of tour of duty which requires that they peddle their wares to troops who really should know better than to stick their penises into disease-ridden prune cunts.

Anyway, they get shot at a bit, and one of them gets a gaping wound blasted in their face by some fucking shrapnel. This is officially the coolest part in the entire fucking movie.

They all get the sads about it, and then they realise that the wound is about the size their vaginas once were, so they over-come by getting hundreds of men to come over it. They probably learn some valuable lesson about over coming (or coming over) adversity, and then they all die from AIDS.

The “whores” (I feel that this is a pretty appropriate name for them, really) decide to get their skank on in Dubai, because they hear that there are lots of rich men there, and they’re not having sex with anyone but their wives.

When they arrive, they realise that they aren’t allowed to drink anything, so their alcohol-based blood streams start to shut down. In desperation, they kill Samantha, and try to eat her liver. They are able to get at least a years supply of alcohol for a normal drunk out of it, but due to their rampant and insatiable whoreiness, they are unable to satisfy their appetites for more than an hour.

Carrie learns about her powers of telekinesis, but is unable to control them properly, and ends up impaling herself on a large, mechanical dildo.

The other two girls try to solicit sex from the hotel manager, who calls the police. They are both thrown in jail, where they learn the truth about life or something. Then they die from AIDS.

I can’t be certain that that’s how the movie goes, but I’m pretty sure that no-one has ever watched it through entirely, so I’m probably pretty safe here.

I think that is all that I need to say about the Sex and the City Franchise.

I hope you enjoyed my film reviews.

5 Comments more...

100% pure cunt block

by on Jun.24, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MOTHERFUCKER, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

I don’t consider myself a writer, so I don’t think that it’s fair to call my current lack of inspiration “writers block”. I am, however, frequently a complete cunt. I am having trouble with being a cunt today, so what I have is obviously cunt block.

What a day to get it on, too. I could make all sorts of witty remarks about politics, but FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE is doing that already. So rather than contribute to the mass of noise that is EVERYONE CRAPPING ON about something which I will allude to only, but never name, I felt that today would be better spent discussing other things. Hopefully one of these things will so anger me, make me so incensed, so infuriated at the world, that I will actually end up saying something funny. Or at least I’ll end up writing all capitals in a large, red font.

Let’s be honest, you aren’t here to get witty political intrigue. You are here because, for some demented reason, you actually seem to like it when I start shouting in text. I figure that this blog is like a car-crash for some people. A car crash which goes on for months and never actually gets interesting.

It just proves that people love drama. This is why the news, TV, and other media is the way it is. Telling people about nice things doesn’t fucking cut it any more. PEOPLE WANT TO SEE BLOOD, AND GUTS, AND VEEEEIIINS IN MY TEETH. I often wondered why, in history, people went to see public executions for FUN. Going to WATCH PEOPLE DIE A HORRIBLE FUCKING DEATH, not because they did anything to you personally, but because YOU HAVE NOTHING FUCKING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.

That’s when I realised that you people haven’t fucking changed at all. You still slow down at fucking car crashes in the hope of seeing a SEVERED FUCKING LIMB. IT’S NOT EVEN PUNISHMENT ANY MORE. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK. MAYBE YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO BECOME A FUCKING ACCIDENT VICTIM YOURSELF BY SLOWING DOWN SO MUCH ON A MAJOR FUCKING HIGHWAY. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ACCIDENT YOU IN THE FUCKING CUNT WITH A LEAD PIPE? WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? WOULD IT?

CAN YOUR POINTLESS FUCKING LIFE BE SATISFIED IN SUCH A SIMPLE FUCKING MANNER? PERHAPS I SHOULD RUB BROKEN GLASS IN YOUR FUCKING EYEBALL FOR THAT “SKIDDED UP THE BITUMEN” LOOK. IF YOU’RE REALLY LUCKY, I’LL EVEN BREAK YOUR FUCKING FINGERS SO YOU CAN NEVER PLAY THE PIANO AGAIN.

You are a total fucking cunt, you know that? I thought I was bad, but you fucking REVEL in other’s misery. I just don’t think people like you should be allowed to fucking live in this world. I think you should be executed. Make a real show of it, too. Music, popcorn, splatter goggles. Serves you fucking right, you cunt.

1 Comment more...

I’M FUCKING WATCHING YOU

by on May.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Hello, how are you today?, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

THAT’S RIGHT, CUNTS. I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. I HAVE EYES ON THE PRIZE. I KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE COMING HERE… I AM BIG FUCKING BROTHER.

Allow me to show you… “The stats”

So what does this show? Not much really, only that everyone fucking LOVES Justin Bieber. I still don’t get it. I’m at a massive fucking loss. So will someone please tell me what is SO FUCKING AMAZING about this little twerp? What is SO CUNTING SPECIAL that this shitburg can inspire FUCKING RIOTS at the age of 16?

Perhaps an even MORE important question is this: WILL MENTIONING JUSTIN BIEBER AGAIN NET ME HUNDREDS MORE PAGE VIEWS? I’M DOING THIS FOR SCIENCE, YOU CUNTS! I’M STUDYING A MYSTERIOUS PHENOMENON THAT I CALL THE “MINDLESS TEENAGE CUNT EFFECT”

AND I WOULD LOVE TO WELCOME YOU INEVITABLE BITCHES WHO COME HERE HOPING FOR SOME TASTY EXCLUSIVE ON YOUR BRAND NEW HEARTTHROB. I HEAR THAT HE LIKES STUFF! AND I HEARD THAT IN ABOUT 2 YEARS HE WILL BE CRACKED OUT OF HIS FUCKING BRAIN, AND SHOOTING UP HEROIN WITH LINDSEY LOHAN. AS IN USING HER AS A NEEDLE. AND THE SUPPLY.

HE WILL BE SO COKED OUT THAT JUNKIES COULD CHEW ON HIM FOR SUSTENANCE. HE WILL CONSTANTLY BE GOING INTO REHAB, SO OTHER JUNKIES CAN GET ANOTHER HIT. Probably.

That, of he’ll get caught in some kind of photo scandal exposing his breasts on a webcam to strangers. Oh, wait, that’s Miley.

3 Comments more...

IN OTHER NEWS: ‘POP’ MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE DONKEY BALLS TASTE. SWEATY.

by on May.27, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, SHUT UP, STOP IT

THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT, DONKEY-BALL BREATH. LISTENING TO POP MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE SUCKING ON SWEATY, SMELLY, TESTICLES WHICH HAVE NEVER BEEN WASHED WITH ANYTHING BUT URINE SPLASH-BACK, AND WHICH REQUIRE GETTING KICKED IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO SUCK THEM. DON’T EVEN FUCKING ASK HOW I KNOW THIS.

Anyway, as I was saying. Unpleasant.

So what particular pop star has so raised my ire? Which fucking one? That idiotic, angel-faced, crime against sensibilities: Justin fucking Beelzebub. I mean, Bieber. I mean, fucking SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY?! THAT’S THE FUCKING BEST YOU CUNTS AT ‘BIG MUSIC INTERNATIONAL INC.’ COULD FUCKING COME UP WITH? I THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY FUCKING DISNEY WHO LOVED TO EXPLOIT CHILDREN AND PRETEND THAT THEY’RE FUCKING POP STARS. HERE I WAS THINKING THE FUCKING JOHNAS BROTHERS, AND MILEY CYRUS WERE BAD MARKETING DECISIONS. There is a REASON why people that age don’t become rock stars. It’s because THEY HAVE FUCKING NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY.

“OOOOOH, I GOT THE PUBERTY BLUES!
I WAKE UP AT NIGHT,
MY SHEETS ARE A STICKY MESS
HOW WILL I EVER
BE LOVED BY ANYONE.
OTHER THAN MY MUM,
WHO DOESNT UNDERSTAND
BECAUSE I CAN’T CONCEIVE
OF HER EVER BEING
YOUNGER THAN SHE CURRENTLY IS

OOOOOOOOH PUBERTY BLUES.”

Actually, I would probably listen to that. It sounds a lot more real than “BAAAAYBEEEE BABY BABY BAAAAAYYYYBBBEEEEE”.

Which brings me to my next point, WILL SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW CALLING SOMEONE ELSE A SMELLY, HELPLESS, ILLITERATE, NOISY CUNT BEAST IS MEANT TO BE A COMPLIMENT?

IT DOESN’T FUCKING MAKE ANY SENSE. NONE. AND NOW YOU HAVE SOME LITTLE WHITE KID FROM CANADA BEING NOMINATED FOR FUCKING BLACK MUSIC AWARDS JUST BECAUSE HE CAN SING ‘BABY’ REPEATEDLY?

References: WHAT THE FUCKING CUNT?! A BLACK FUCKING MUSIC AWARD?!
ALSO FUCKING RIOTS?! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…

OK world, you can FUCKING STOP IT NOW.

CUNTS.

Leave a Comment more...

Looking for something?

Use the form below to search the site:

Still not finding what you're looking for? Drop a comment on a post or contact us so we can take care of it!

Archives

All entries, chronologically...