The Daily Jerk

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Guest Post: Ben Pobjie on hating things

by on Jul.29, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, Guest Posts, TRUTH

Know what I hate? Of course you don’t, and it’d be pretty presumptuous of you to think that you do, unless you’re psychic, and you’re not, because nobody is, and people who say they are are something I really hate. But that’s not what I was hating in the first sentence back there, I was hating something else, which I guess just goes to show one very important fact: I hate an awful lot of things. Hundreds, in fact, one of which is positive attitudes towards life.

But the one thing I hate that I am choosing to focus on is this:

Successful people.

In essence, my message is, Successful people? What the fuck?

Now, before you say, “Oh Ben, don’t be so negative, that’s just sour grapes”, I should point out one thing: you are a dick and should shut your stupid face.

The subject occurred to me the other day when I was reading an article about Rove McManus, and how his planned talk show with Valerie Bertinelli has failed to get picked up by a network in the US.

The first point to make, of course, is what the sulphur-crested fuck was Rove thinking when he decided the best entrée to the American market would be a talk show with Valerie Bertinelli? Never in the history of mankind has a human being ever used the phrase, “Hey, why doesn’t Valerie Bertinelli have a talk show? I’d watch that.” Never in the history of mankind has a human being ever used the phrase, “Can’t wait to hear what Valerie Bertinelli thinks about this.” And never in the history of mankind has a human being used the phrase, “Rove and Valerie: an unstoppable combination.” Seriously? A talk show with Valerie Bertinelli? Are you insane? What’s your next move, a cooking show with Bruce Boxleitner?

But that aside, what struck me reading this story was just how happy I was to find out Rove had failed. I was ecstatic.

And it’s not because I dislike Rove. I quite like him. I’ve even watched his show, occasionally. He’s a very likeable fellow. It’s nothing personal at all.

It’s just that I hate other people being successful. More successful than me, that is. Up to my level of success, I wish you every happiness. Surpass me, and I hate you. And this applies in particular to Australians. I can cope with Americans and British people and Italians fulfilling their dreams – just – but when Australians do it, it just gets right on my frigging wick.

Because when people from overseas are more successful than you, you can always say, “well, it’s hard to make it, when you’re Australian, stuck here in such a remote location without access to international markets”. But when Australians make it, it shows that it IS possible, it’s just that you’re not good enough. And frankly, I consider the inadvertent exposure of other people’s inadequacies through one’s own completely innocent actions to be the height of fucking rudeness.

You know what I’m talking about. You know when you have a friend who asks you to act as a reference for his job interview, and when the employer calls you, and you tell them your friend is a meth addict? Or when your friend starts a relationship with a beautiful, sweet girl, and you send her a letter detailing all the children he’s sexually violated?

Oh, you’ve never done that? You fucking liar. We all do it from time to time, when those close to us look like achieving more than we have. I work so hard every day, purely because my sisters have failed to be junkies or single mothers. If only my family was full of failures I could relax, but no, I have to bust a gut because they insist on giving me competition for my parents’ love.

And successful Australians have a similar effect. They’re too close. When an Australian hits it big, it says hey, even ordinary Australians can do extraordinary things. Pisses me off something fierce. Because of course they CAN, but they probably WON’T. I won’t. You won’t. And one of the reasons we won’t is because there is a finite amount of places in the world for successful people, and that Aussie bastard’s just taken up another one of them.

So that’s why I felt a warm, oozy feeling of relief when I found Rove’s latest effort to go global had failed. If his talk show with Valerie Bertinelli (pffffffffffffffft) had succeeded, I don’t know what I would have done. I would have been desolate. Like I am every time I hear about Naomi Watts’s latest movie, or Adam Hills’s sell-out Edinburgh show, or anything Matthew Fucking Reilly does.

So to all you people out there succeeding, achieving ambitions and scaling heights: fuck you. Fuck you right in the ear. You’re ruining my life, and you’re doing it with a smarmy goddamn smile on your face. Stop it. Right now.

Ben Pobjie

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Guest Post: Shopping Centre Car Parks

by on Jul.27, 2010, under FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Guest Posts, MOTHERFUCKER

Dear People who drive against the arrows in shopping centre car parks.

I do appreciate that the arrows are fairly pointless and at the best arbitrary, does anyone really think that some shopping centre manager has worked out the flow of the traffic? of course not. Lets face it they are all failed real estate agents or former managers of fast food places and as such unquestionably dim.

What shits me is the range of reactions you get when you turn with the arrow and some pedant is coming the other direction straight at you.

You get

a) the embarrassed oops i didn’t mean to do this oh look at silly little me reaction which is accompanied by a stupid arse smile, an insulting shrug of the shoulders and occasionally a mouthed sorry.

b) the complete blind i can’t see you reaction as if the person is trying to act like nothing much has happened. Often practiced by the old who also use the I have had a long and worthwhile life and so be allowed to do whatever selfish action I like pose

c) the glare of how dare you go with the arrows and get in my way. This is usually done by the people driving the ironically named four wheel drive (and usually have prams which are way too big.)

I won’t mention the people who give you a cheery wave as they cruise past, they will find their place in hell with out my assistance.

It is these people, non conformists to shopping carpark etiquette, who are throwing our society into anarchy and all should either be rammed by your car or at the very least leave your trolley right behind their car when you have finished unloading it.

That will serve the fucktards right

Captain Angry Ranty Pants

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Guest Post: Dear cast, crew, characters and anyone else involved with Twilight

by on Jul.02, 2010, under Guest Posts, Sparkly fuckstains, Twilight

I don’t care. I don’t care that you have made three movie and millions of screaming prepubescent girls scream and cry when every your names are whispered

I don’t care. Never have. Never will. I would rather grate my tongue or poke my eyeballs out with a pencil or eat earwax than sit through the idiotic tripe that you are peddling

I realise it’s about a young girl’s awakening but unless that young girl awakens and shoots the shit out of a lot of aliens/ giant robots/ Zombies or wombats then I don’t give a shit.

I don’t mind Vampires. Its true. They can be fun. But I like mine more traditional. LIKE TRYING TO KEEP TO THE FUCKING VAMPIRES MYTHS RULES

And stars of Twilight. You annoy me you talent less, ungrateful bunch of shits.

Always complaining with your

woooo we walk too hard

woooo everyone tells us what to do on each movie

woooo we are all too busy

woooo the paparazzi follows up when we go to parties

woooo everyone tries to friend us on facebook

Get over yourselves you whingeing, whining bunchy of complaining gen y shits. Enjoy the few extra minutes added to your 15 minutes cause when the movies run out its a life of conventions for you.

And remember



Captain Angry Ranty Pants

PS Kristen Stewart go eat a sandwich and cheer the fuck up you miserable bitch.

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Guest Post: Trams – the dim f**wits that use them!

by on Jun.30, 2010, under Guest Posts

Okay some simple rules for catching a tram (and all public transport but i avoid the rest for reasons of future rants).

1. Wait until people get off till you get on. Simple bloody everyday courtesy, and yes i will kick you in the shin Ms IhavetogetonrightnowandhugthreticketmachinebecauseitfeelsliketheNormandylandings if i ever see you again. People! the tram isn’t going to leave without you, but then again maybe it should! And you retired types can really wait on the platform a few more seconds!

2. Phone plus public transport means you are a tosspot. We, and by that i obviously I mean I, don’t need to hear how stupid you are as you talk loudly to your lover, family member or the latest 0055 number you subscribe to. Its why they invented text messages so I don’t have to hear you rabbiting your puerile shite over the phone and when I can hear both sides of your bloody conversation there is something wrong.

3. Loonies please stop catching trams and thinking I am interested, available or able to make conversation with you. The answer is no, or more precisely Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. the headphones mean that I am not listening and in fact cannot listen as they are surgically attached.

4. Headphone users I don’t need to hear your repetitive driving beat of crap downloaded drivel you need to have on at full ball. And pull your pants up!

5. Ticket inspectors? Why is it that a person who is young gets fined when they say “I haven’t got change” but if you are over thirty, respectably dressed or a grey hair then you are let off and /or shown how to operate the machine. Hmmm. when the revolution comes the wall will be waiting for you high panted, crossword completing freaks. Although I am happy that Centrelink have some where to send you long term unemployed to work

6. Tram Drivers. Again good job Centrelink. And to the driver on the Number 8 who can pilot a tram full of people while speaking on his Mobile Phone. Good job buddy!

Some general areas we can all improve on which will make the whole tram experience better for everyone, and most importantly me.

Drive Cars.

Who gives a shit about your eco footprint or whatever, it’s all going to shit in a hand basket anyway. Drive f**kers and leave the tram to me. Or drive me, as long as you don’t talk or interact in any way with me.

Captain Angry Ranty Pants
Rants from the Grumpy side of Life

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