The Daily Jerk

HAHAHAHA YORE

Happy fun times! A Puzzler!

by on Aug.03, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, HAHAHAHA YORE, Happy fun times, Hello, horoscopes, how are you today?, I'm 12 wat is this?, lining up for fun and profit, SHUT UP, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

This’ll keep you guessing.

The words to find are:
CUNT
CABBAGE
WILDERBEAST
VAGINA
MAGGOT
THATCHER
TUGGING
FUCK
BANANA
YOUR
NETBALL
TEAM
SUCKS
DONKEY
BALLS
SO
THERE

4 Comments more...

Don’t go under the bridge, that’s where trolls live!

by on Aug.02, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, I'm 12 wat is this?, kids books, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, Stories for children, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Under the bridge is where trolls live, just like under the trap door in my garage is where I hide the bodies of neighborhood cunt beasts whose frisbees end up in my yard. It’s where they live in terms of sleeping, eating, and scaring goats, but not where they work. Where trolls really live is on the Internet, and what they eat is reactions. The sooner people learn this, the sooner we can get on about our lives without having fucking idiots telling us about “Cyber Security”, “Cyber Bullying”, and “Cyberspace Etiquette” every time some dead shit parent lets their retarded cunt spawn have a webcam in their bedroom.

All these supposed “Cyber Experts” seem to be old, confused, and still like to think of the Internet as that blue ‘e’ on their desktop which they can use to get to “the facebooks”. The advice they all spout has no real relevance to the way the Internet works, and is somewhere between kindergarten sand pit problem solving (tell the teacher), and the suggested response for terrorism (red alert bring in the SWAT teams and maybe Jack Bauer). Every little incident must be reported to the feds, because they seem to be so efficient at solving “Cyber Crimes”. Of all the problems in the world that people try to solve with prevention and education, this is one of the only ones where that might be the right way to go.

You see, the problem is that the Internet isn’t LIKE the playground. You can’t give someone a slap on the wrist for misbehaving, because you don’t make the rules. You can’t make rules based on your own morals or society because MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET AREN’T PART OF YOUR SOCIETY AND PROBABLY DON’T SHARE YOUR MORALS. Trying to FORCE them to see things your way is both AS IGNORANT AS A FUCKING ROCK, and NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WELL WORK.

Of course, these simple facts have never stopped certain people in various countries from TRYING to control the Internet, usually with a call of “SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” The thing is that these people who hatch plans to control the Internet invariably know ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT IT. They are probably the same type of retards who think that you can make unlimited free energy using magnets. They don’t listen to people who ACTUALLY FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING because they’ve labeled THEMSELVES THE FUCKING EXPERTS. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO ANYONE FUCKING ELSE? THEY MADE UP THEIR MIND AND BUILT THEMSELVES A WEBSITE IN MICROSOFT FUCKING FRONT PAGE, SO THEY MUST BE THE FUCKING EXPERTS.

ALSO HOW THE FUCK DO THESE CUNTS SPEND 8 HOURS A DAY “WORKING” ON A FUCKING STATIC WEBSITE? WHAT DO THEY DO? CLICK AROUND THE PAGES TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING THERE? I WRITE CONTENT EVERY FUCKING WEEK DAY, AND I DON’T SPEND 8 FUCKING HOURS, EVEN WHEN I’M ASSUAGING MY NEED TO STARE CONSTANTLY AT THE FUCKING STATISTICS. IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT FUCKING LONG TO “RUN” A FUCKING WEBSITE. THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LABELED YOURSELF AN EXPERT ON “CYBER” FUCKING ANYTHING IS A TESTAMENT TO YOUR FUCKING INEPTITUDE AS A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE LINED UP AND FUCKING SHOT BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY OF NO USE TO THE REST OF FUCKING SOCIETY. OH, SOMEONE WAS MEAN TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE FUCKING CUNT BEAST ON THE INTERNET? WELL IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNT SPAWN ISN’T PLAYING IN THE BAD AREAS. YOU CAN’T BLAME A FUCKING LORRY DRIVER FOR HITTING YOUR CHILD IF YOU LET THEM PLAY ON A 6 LANE FREEWAY, BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE SAME APPLIES TO THE FUCKING INTERNET. YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCKING CUNTS SHOULD EDUCATE YOURSELVES ABOUT WHERE IT’S SAFE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS BALL OF LARD AND FUCKING HAIR TO PLAY, OR YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING COMPUTER.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF YOU FEEL THAT INTERNET ACCESS IS A RIGHT FOR YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN, IF YOU CAN’T SPELL INTERNET, OR DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “GOOGLE” AND A WEB BROWSER, THEN YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ELECTROCUTED BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.

Computers and the Internet are handy tools, but like any other fucking tool, they’re not safe for children to use unsupervised. If you don’t feel that you can watch your child every fucking second of the day, then GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ARSE OFF THE COUCH, STOP WATCHING TODAY TONIGHT, AND FUCKING MONITOR WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE FUCKING DOING. SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH EFFORT? THEN DON’T FUCKING WELL LET YOUR KIDS USE THE DAMNED THING. DO WE NEED TO PUT FUCKING MASSIVE WARNING LABELS ON COMPUTERS SO THAT YOU KNOW THAT BAD THINGS CAN FUCKING HAPPEN? IF WE DID DO THAT WOULD YOU EVEN FUCKING READ THEM? IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A NAIL GUN SAFELY WOULD YOU LET YOUR 10 YEAR OLD PLAY AROUND WITH IT UNSUPERVISED? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO.

WHEN DID THE WORLD GET SO FUCKING DENSE? WHEN DID COMMON SENSE GET SO FUCKING RARE? SINCE WHEN DID CLAIMING TO BE AN EXPERT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY MAKE IT SO? WHEN WILL EVERYONE GET JUST SO SANE THAT I CAN STOP YELLING PROFANITIES AT YOU ALL? WILL ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS BE LESS RHETORICAL? I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!

YOU FAT BASTARDS.

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Live every day like it’s your last

by on Jul.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, how are you today?, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, The one who calls wolf quite often

That’s the advice you’ll get from me! Live EVERY DAY like it’s your last day alive! Don’t hold back, just do it! You might die today, and have all these things left undone. It will torment you forever!

So it is all well and good to talk about living every day like it’s your last, but what does it really mean? Well that depends on how you want to be remembered. Do you want everyone to remember you fondly, and gather around occasionally to share the good memories? Well in that case, you need to die from a horrible terminal disease. Current popular ways to die are AIDS, cancer, or pretty much anything which is gradual, painful death. This gives people a chance to gather around you, while making it difficult for you to ruin the happy image that you want people to remember by being, well, you.

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t have the AIDS! How am I meant to pull this off?”

Well the answer is simple. Stay in bed all day, refuse to eat, and take heavy pain killers. You will develop a sickly pallor, be very vague, and lose muscle mass. Tell everyone that you don’t want to cause a fuss to anyone, least of all the medical system. The longer you are in this state, the more people will talk about how strong you are, fighting off the horrible disease. Of course, if you stick around too long, people will start to wonder. They will try to bring in nurses and doctors; after a while you won’t be able to turn them down, as you won’t have much of an idea what is going on any more. If this eventually happens, it is probably best to wander off while no-one is looking, and try to start a new life somewhere else. You could also try the miraculous recovery route, which lets you move into all sorts of fields like motivational speaking.

What if you don’t really care how people remember you? Well do I have the plan for you! You see, there is a little thing in this world called inhibition. It’s what stops you from doing what you want when you want. It’s what keeps you afraid that tomorrow will be another day, and that you will have to live through it. Happily, when you are living your final day, this inhibition is pretty useless, meaning that you can do whatever you want. So when you are living like it’s the last day you’ll be alive, all you have to do is drop all inhibitions. At a bakery? Think that eating four meat pies, three doughnuts, and a half-dozen caramel slices might not be a good idea? Well just go for it! You won’t be alive tomorrow to regret it!

Don’t have the money to pay for all of it? Who cares! Punch the baker in the face, and take keep eating. There’s no need to run away, or rob them, because you won’t be alive tomorrow. Just keep doing whatever you want. It doesn’t matter! After this, you should go to the pub. Have a few drinks, and pay for nothing. You’ll probably be dead tomorrow, so you are just trying to make the most of the limited time you have left. Who cares it it is 10AM? If it’s later, then you are already wasting your precious time.

Once you are drunk, that should help you to drop the last few inhibitions that you may be holding on to. Track down any girls (or boys) that you ever had a thing for. This is the last day you will have a chance, so you better not waste it! Remember to shout “Surprise!” when they see you, and if you still have clothes on at this point, then that’s more time wasted.

Call everyone who cares about you, and tell them exactly how you feel. It doesn’t matter if you make them cry, because they are fat and deserve to know it, besides they’ll be the only ones around to feel like jerks tomorrow; this is the last day that you are alive! Call the step father who touched you at night; tell him that you had herpes then, and he has it now. Call your mother and tell her that she ruined your life for not getting you that ultra-deluxe BMX when you were seven. Today is all about you, because this is the absolute last day you’ll get to live!

That is what it means to live every day like it’s your last. Of course, you will wake up the next day, but you just have to keep doing the same thing. You probably won’t be alive for much longer anyway.

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First! And other things that should result in you being shot.

by on Jul.09, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MOTHERFUCKER, My skepticisim isn't the slightest bit dogmatic - how dare you, SHUT UP, Skeptic logic is infallible, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Wow! You commented first! What a position of power, of responsibility! Everyone will see your comment, meaning that it is the most important comment on the page. Too bad YOU FUCKING WASTED IT BY ADDING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF VALUE TO THE CONVERSATION, YOU USELESS, MAGGOTY, MOUTH-BREATHING, OXYGEN THIEVING, FUCKING THATCHER SLUTCUNT.

WOW NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT YOU REALLY ARE A BARELY FUNCTIONAL RETARD, WITH NO VALID INPUT INTO ANYTHING. NO LONGER WILL YOUR FRIENDS BE WONDERING IF YOU ARE A FUNNY GUY WITH AN ODD SENSE OF HUMOUR, OR AN AUTISTIC MONKEY ON CRACK. YOU WILL HAVE ADVERTISED TO THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE IN FACT ONE OF THE MOST USELESS HUMAN BEINGS ALIVE.

ON THE CHART OF USELESS PEOPLE, YOU ARE RIGHT UP THERE WITH JUSTIN BIEBER AND JUNKIES. THEN IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH, PEOPLE START COMPETING FOR SECOND PLACE. SECOND FUCKING PLACE! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? DID A PIANO GET DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD? PERHAPS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. FOLLOWED BY AN AXE, AND A FUCKING NUCLEAR WARHEAD. PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD.

This is why I am against public healthcare. It’s also why I’m against warning labels. Let stupid people look after themselves for about 2 years, and the world will be a whole heap smarter for it.

So this list of people who are more useless than balls on a truck; who are they? The list is longer than you can imagine (because you have a very limited imagination, not because it’s a massive list), so here is an abridged version.

People who are stupid cunts, and should not be allowed to live.

In no particular order:

  • People who put balls on a truck (or any vehicle for that matter)
  • People who put balls on a phone.
  • People who cut me off when I’m driving.
  • People who don’t indicate properly on roundabouts.
  • People who indicate right when going into a round about, when they’re not actually taking an exit to the right.
  • People who compete for the first comment on any post anywhere on the Internet.
  • People who, once they see that the first position has already been called by about six people, attempt to call “second”. Seriously, this happens.
  • People who comment on things just so they can see their name.
  • People who don’t even finish reading a headline before posting a comment.
  • Justin Bieber
  • People who think that it’s unfair that their opinions aren’t worth more than someone else’s.
  • People who actually complain that it is UNFAIR to THEM that OTHER PEOPLE need help.
  • People who CAN’T WAIT THEIR FUCKING TURN IN LINE.
  • People who TRY TO PRETEND THAT THERE ISN’T A LINE, AND ACT SHOCKED WHEN THEY GET TOLD THAT THERE IS ONE.
  • PEOPLE IN GENERAL CAN FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.
  • People who think that their moral views should be made law.
  • People who like Justin Bieber.
  • People who are really touchy with people they barely know.
  • People who exaggerate the truth.
  • Journalists on current affairs shows.
  • People who CAN’T USE COMMON FUCKING SENSE OR A BIT OF LOGIC, BUT STILL TRY TO ARGUE THE POINT WITH YOU.
  • People who start “discussions” (read: arguments) with no intention of allowing their point of view to change.
  • People who preach their point of views without being willing to listen to someone else’s.
  • People who make wild assumptions about someone else’s point of view based on their own idea of what the person is like.
  • PEOPLE WHO SHOULD DIE COLD, ALONE, AND IN A GIANT FUCKING HOLE FILLED WITH THE CORPSES OF OTHER PEOPLE LIKE THEM.
  • People who get offended by the word “cunt”.
  • Advertisers.
  • People who believe advertisements.
  • People who believe anything that they read without the slightest bit of suspicion.

The full list is much longer, but this gives you the basic idea. Your aim in life should be to live well, and not end up on this list.

Now FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.

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Buy our crap! You know you need it because we told you that you do!

by on Jul.08, 2010, under CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, how are you today?, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Advertising can fuck off. It really can. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU CUNTS? Thanks to advertising, we have fucking retarded shit burgs buying the new iPhone 4, not because their old iPhone is broken, or because it’s particularly incapable of performing the same actions, BUT BECAUSE SOME FUCKING CUNT IN MARKETING TOLD THEM THAT THEY SHOULD.

I’m actually offended by the lengths that some advertisers will go to try to get money out of people. They don’t tell straight out lies, but FUCK do they ever misrepresent the truth, WHICH IS FUCKING WORSE. If someone tells you a lie, you can call it out as a lie AND BE ON YOUR FUCKING WAY. IF THEY’RE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, BUT IN A MISLEADING WAY, THEN SAYING ANYTHING JUST MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A WHINY LITTLE BITCH. THEY FUCKING KNOW THIS, AND THAT’S WHY THEY FUCKING WELL DO IT.

How do you sell hand soap? Everyone already KNOWS that washing your hands is a good thing, so there can’t be much more demand there. You call your soap ANTI-BACTERIAL, despite the fact that it doesn’t really do anything extra. Then you tell people that it MAGICALLY STOPS YOU FROM GETTING SICK. This HAS to be do with the anti-bacterial claim, right? NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T YOU CUNTS. WASHING YOUR HANDS WITH ANY OLD FUCKING SOAP WILL HAVE THE SAME EFFECT. IT’S NOTHING MAGIC, NEW, OR SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR PRODUCT, SO STOP PRETENDING THAT IT FUCKING WELL IS.

What about paracetamol? It’s a standard drug, and EVERY manufacturer has the same dose. SO WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE THINK THAT THE MORE EXPENSIVE BRAND WILL MAGICALLY WORK BETTER? OH THIS BRAND MUST BE BETTER OTHERWISE WHY WOULD THEY CHARGE SO FUCKING MUCH MORE? THEY SELL IT FOR MORE BECAUSE YOU BUY IT FOR MORE, BECAUSE YOU THINK THERE MUST BE A FUCKING REASON WHY IT COSTS MORE. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON, YOU STUPID CUNTS. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE US THAT YOUR PILLS ARE SOMEHOW MAGICALLY BETTER, DESPITE CONTAINING THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT AS ANY OTHER FUCKING BRAND. IF IT WAS DIFFERENT, STRONGER, OR WHATEVER IT WOULD BE FUCKING ILLEGAL TO SELL AS PARA-FUCKING-CETAMOL.

THERE SHOULD BE LAWS AGAINST MISLEADING ADVERTISING. IF YOU TRY TO ADVERTISE A FEATURE AS UNIQUE TO YOUR PRODUCT WHICH ISN’T, I SHOULD GET TO PUNCH YOUR FUCKING FACE INTO YOUR MOTHER’S WOMB. WITH A FUCKING SLEDGE HAMMER.

Worse are the ads who just assume that everyone is a TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT. Sure, I can understand that assumption (YOU CUNTS ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS), but to not even attempt to sugar coat it? Ads that TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE? DO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SHAME? NO TACT? ARE YOU FAT FUCKING CUNTS JUST SITTING BACK AND LAUGHING AT HOW STUPID PEOPLE ARE? I BET YOU FUCKING WELL ARE, TOO.

WELL FUCK YOU. YOU CUNTS DESERVE TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE, BUT YOU WOULD PROBABLY SPIN THAT INTO A GOOD THING ANYWAY (“BUCKSHOT IS THE NEW BEAUTIFUL”), AND THEN TRY TO SELL IT TO POOR FUCKING SAPS FOR TEN TIMES THE PRICE OF THE AMMUNITION.

THESE SOULLESS CUNTS ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, AND ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN CURRENT AFFAIRS “JOURNALISTS”, WHO VAGUELY RESEMBLE THE VOMIT AND PUSS THAT COMES OUT OF THE ANUS OF AN ADVERTISER AFTER YOU STAB THEM INTO A WELL JUSTIFIED DEATH. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK, BUT THAT’S PROBABLY JUST A FEATURE, ISN’T IT?

NEXT YOU WILL BE ADVERTISING FAULTS AS A FUCKING INTENTIONAL DESIGN CHOICE (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, APPLE). I MIGHT BE SOUNDING A BIT LIKE BILL HICKS HERE, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. IF YOU ARE IN ADVERTISING OR MARKETING, YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF RIGHT FUCKING NOW, AND DO THE WORLD A HUGE FAVOUR.

FUCK OFF AND DIE, YOU MAGGOTY CUNTS. STOP PLAYING ON FEARS, AND TRY TO MAKE A DECENT FUCKING PRODUCT INSTEAD.

In the paraphrased words of John Lennon:

You may say that I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll fuck off
And leave the world alone

Also, die.

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Stop thinking. It’ll only make things harder.

by on Jul.02, 2010, under CUNTS, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

All of today’s problems can be simplified down to one root cause. You. In particular, your incessant insistence that you can actually make a difference. You will find that all the problems that concern you would simply go away, if you could simply SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

Have you ever had a dickhead mate who constantly whined about how bad their life was? Did you ever notice how all those problems never showed up in your life any more once you BEAT HIS FUCKING TEETH IN WITH A LEAD PIPE? This is what’s holding back governments and businesses from getting things done. Whiny little CUNTS LIKE YOU. They can’t even BREAK THE JAWS OF EVERY PERSON WHO DOESN’T SUPPORT THEM WITHOUT LITTLE FUCKING SHIT-SMEARED CUNT RAGS LIKE YOURSELF GETTING ALL UPPITY AND “OH THAT’S BRUTALISM!”

Well on behalf of anyone who’s either been voted or back-stabbed their way into power:

FUCK YOU.

YOU ARE WHY THERE’S OUTRAGE ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, OR MINING TAXES, OR RADIATION LEVELS IN MILK. YOU ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM. QUIT YOUR BITCHING, AND LET US DO OUR FUCKING JOBS. IF YOU HAD ANY SAY, YOU WOULD BE ONE OF US. AS YOU AREN’T ONE OF US, I THINK IT’S SAFE TO SAY THAT NO-ONE GIVES TWO FUCKS AND A FART IN HELL WHAT YOU FUCKING THINK, YOU SNIVELY LITTLE BALL OF PRIMORDIAL SLIME, PRETENDING AT PLAYING POLITICS.

JUST ONCE, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE HOW YOU WOULD GO MAKING THE BIG FUCKING DECISIONS. OH WHAT A WORLD THAT WOULD BE. EVERYONE WOULD WOULD BE SO FUCKING HAPPY, WITH YOUR SHIT-SMEARED GRINS, AND YOUR CUNT-FACED OPINIONS. WELL TOO FUCKING BAD. YOU DON’T GET A FUCKING SAY, BECAUSE ALL YOU WOULD DO IS FUCK IT UP FOR US.

So now that we have that out of the way, let us discuss how our interests are your interests, not that we even need to justify this, but maybe it will help you to accept it AND SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE HOLE, YOU FUCKING CUNTS. We are the people who you VOTED for, or who OWN YOUR JOB, or that STABBED THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ANYONE WHO TRIED TO OPPOSE US. In short, IF YOU FUCK WITH US, YOU WON’T HAVE A LIFE LEFT TO LIVE. WE WILL STUFF YOUR HEAD THROUGH YOUR ANUS SIDEWAYS, COVER YOU IN SALT, AND THROW YOU INTO A FUCKING BLOOM OF OIL. ANY PARTS WHICH STILL SHOW SIGNS OF LIFE WILL BE FED TO EXPLODING FUCKING SHARKS. YOU WILL BE MAULED, DIGESTED, THEN BLOWN TO FUCKING PIECES. ALL WHILE YOUR FAMILY WATCH. IT WILL BE THE GREATEST NEW REALITY TV SHOW, AND YOU KNOW THAT THOSE USELESS CUNTS YOU LIVE WITH WILL JUST LAP IT UP.

YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT DOWN THE THROATS OF BABIES, YOU ARE SO STUPID. I WANT TO JUST HORK IT ALL UP, SPIT IT DOWN THEIR THROATS, AND CHOKE THEM TO DEATH SO THAT THEY’LL NEVER GROW UP TO BE MORE OF YOU.

So the next time you feel the need to moan or complain, just think about what you are really doing. You’re not making a difference, you’re just making the people who’s opinions DO count wish you were dead. The fact that you are still alive is nothing other than proof that they really do care.

They care that you are still able to vote them back in the same place next election.

They care that you can keep spending your money on the crap they’re selling.

They care that you can keep working long hours to make the crap that you have to save for weeks to afford to buy.

They care.

So shut the fuck up already.

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100% pure cunt block

by on Jun.24, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MOTHERFUCKER, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

I don’t consider myself a writer, so I don’t think that it’s fair to call my current lack of inspiration “writers block”. I am, however, frequently a complete cunt. I am having trouble with being a cunt today, so what I have is obviously cunt block.

What a day to get it on, too. I could make all sorts of witty remarks about politics, but FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE is doing that already. So rather than contribute to the mass of noise that is EVERYONE CRAPPING ON about something which I will allude to only, but never name, I felt that today would be better spent discussing other things. Hopefully one of these things will so anger me, make me so incensed, so infuriated at the world, that I will actually end up saying something funny. Or at least I’ll end up writing all capitals in a large, red font.

Let’s be honest, you aren’t here to get witty political intrigue. You are here because, for some demented reason, you actually seem to like it when I start shouting in text. I figure that this blog is like a car-crash for some people. A car crash which goes on for months and never actually gets interesting.

It just proves that people love drama. This is why the news, TV, and other media is the way it is. Telling people about nice things doesn’t fucking cut it any more. PEOPLE WANT TO SEE BLOOD, AND GUTS, AND VEEEEIIINS IN MY TEETH. I often wondered why, in history, people went to see public executions for FUN. Going to WATCH PEOPLE DIE A HORRIBLE FUCKING DEATH, not because they did anything to you personally, but because YOU HAVE NOTHING FUCKING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.

That’s when I realised that you people haven’t fucking changed at all. You still slow down at fucking car crashes in the hope of seeing a SEVERED FUCKING LIMB. IT’S NOT EVEN PUNISHMENT ANY MORE. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK. MAYBE YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO BECOME A FUCKING ACCIDENT VICTIM YOURSELF BY SLOWING DOWN SO MUCH ON A MAJOR FUCKING HIGHWAY. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ACCIDENT YOU IN THE FUCKING CUNT WITH A LEAD PIPE? WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? WOULD IT?

CAN YOUR POINTLESS FUCKING LIFE BE SATISFIED IN SUCH A SIMPLE FUCKING MANNER? PERHAPS I SHOULD RUB BROKEN GLASS IN YOUR FUCKING EYEBALL FOR THAT “SKIDDED UP THE BITUMEN” LOOK. IF YOU’RE REALLY LUCKY, I’LL EVEN BREAK YOUR FUCKING FINGERS SO YOU CAN NEVER PLAY THE PIANO AGAIN.

You are a total fucking cunt, you know that? I thought I was bad, but you fucking REVEL in other’s misery. I just don’t think people like you should be allowed to fucking live in this world. I think you should be executed. Make a real show of it, too. Music, popcorn, splatter goggles. Serves you fucking right, you cunt.

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Oh look, I’m a nerd. Aren’t I so fucking trendy?

by on Jun.22, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

I understand your desire to be into things that everyone else finds uncool (no, I don’t; I never will, but I understand that you have this uncontrollable desire). I understand that for the history of science, being a nerd (or a geek, the distinction between which is sure to spark an outpouring of NERDRAGE) has been about the most unfashionable thing in existence. Until now.

Thanks to stupid fucking hipsters who think that being uncool is hip, we have over the last few years been subject to a concept known as “geek chic”. Apparently being awkward, having difficulty relating to people, and vision defects are cool now. WHO FUCKING KNEW?

Dickhead hipsters are now wearing THICK RIMMED GLASSES WITH 0 FUCKING PRESCRIPTION LENSES, LIKE THEY WANT TROUBLE SEEING TOO. They are constantly trying to figure out nerd fashion, like we all get together and fucking decide on what to wear. The majority of us wear (in this order) 1. things that we think are cool, with no thought about an overall “outfit”, and 2. WHATEVER THE FUCK IS CLOSEST WHEN WE GET DRESSED, BECAUSE, LET’S FACE IT, COMPUTERS DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU’RE AN IMPECCABLE DRESSER. The very act of TRYING to make a “geek fashion” is ENTIRELY MISSING THE FUCKING POINT. THERE IS NO FUCKING GEEK FASHION, JUST WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.

I can’t really fathom WHY people pretend to have fucking vision problems. This is a bit of a sticking point with me. I have bad eyesight, and let me tell you. It FUCKING SUCKS HUGE, SWEATY, HAIRY, DONKEY BALLS. The fact that you are PRETENDING that you can’t see properly without glasses is both CLINICALLY FUCKING RETARDED, and A GIANT KICK IN THE FUCKING EYEBALL FOR ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY NEEDS GLASSES TO SEE.

I DON’T FUCKING GET IT. I’M WAITING UNTIL CANCER BECOMES FASHIONABLE SO I CAN SHAVE MY HEAD, GET REALLY GAUNT, AND CONSTANTLY LOOK LIKE I’M ON THE VERGE OF DEATH. Oooh wowee! Next is FUCKING EBOLA. EVERY DAY I WILL POUR A HALF TONNE OF FAKE BLOOD UP MY ANUS SO THAT IT LOOKS LIKE I’M BLEEDING PAINFULLY, THAT’LL BE COOL!

My absolute favourite trend will be when people start STABBING THEMSELVES IN THE FACE IN ORDER TO END THEIR MISERABLE FUCKING LIVES. The emo “movement” was almost there, but everyone realised that rather than killing themselves, they COULD JUST CRY ABOUT THEIR PARENTS ON THE FUCKING INTERNET. OH WAH WAH FUCKING WAH, MY DADDY DIDN’T BUY ME A FUCKING PORCHE. I’LL HAVE TO DO WITH THIS FUCKING BMW. MY LIFE IS NOTHING BUT PAIN. EXPENSIVE, TRENDY, PAIN. I ALSO CAN’T AFFORD JEANS THAT FIT, BECAUSE I PAID THREE TIMES AS MUCH TO GET A PAIR THAT ARE TWO SIZES TOO SMALL AND ALREADY FUCKING TORN, SO THAT IT LOOKS LIKE I’M A STRUGGLING ARTIST. OF COURSE I’LL NEVER DO ANYTHING OF WORTH FOR SOCIETY, BUT DON’T I LOOK GOOD WHILE DOING IT?

Some people say that it’s mean, but I’m quite serious here when I say that if this, in any way, describes you; kill yourself. That is the ONLY fucking decent contribution you could make to society. Bonus points if you do it creatively (sky diving onto a piano-wire net strung taught above a crowded city street; a giant machine that tattoos your eye with an icepick and a sledge hammer; head-butting a Samoan; you get the idea)

Seriously, though. Stop pretending to be a nerd if you’re not willing to have a conversation about the benefits of using vi over emacs, or whether Kara Thrase is actually a cylon/human hybrid. If you didn’t understand either of those, then you can fuck off.

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WITH A NICK OF TIME – BITCHES!

by on Jun.15, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Hello, how are you today?

I dub this “late-post Tuesday”. I didn’t get around to it until now, and it’s almost done with Tuesday ENTIRELY. As I’m running against time, I figure that I have two options:

  1. Try to write the best post that i can in a short amount of time.
  2. Swear heaps, call you all CUNTS, and then forget that it even happened.
  3. Jokes.

Fuck you, cunts. You should watch “Important things with Demetri Martin”. It’s funny, and he uses the two stupid options and “Jokes” line a lot. AND I FUCKING STOLE IT LIKE THE CUNT THAT I AM. HAH!

So I’ve obviously decided to go for option 2. FUCK SHIT CUNTY ARSE LIMPETS! YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF CUNTS!

OK, that’s what you get instead of quality. Arse limpets. I HOPE YOU CUNTS ARE FUCKING HAPPY NOW.

FUCK YOU.

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Your questions are burning (A HOLE IN MY FUCKING SKULL WITH THEIR STUPIDITY)

by on Jun.14, 2010, under CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

So yesterday (conveniently a weekend) marked a month since my first post on this site. A few days ago, I asked people to ask me things. These are some of the questions that I received, and as a bonus, some answers to them.

Q: Have you ever wondered why a turtle has a neck?
A: No. I know why turtles have necks. It’s so stupid fucking middle-class white people can pretend to have something in common with poor black people (who make up for their lack of monetary wealth with a boon of musical talent). They function only as foreskins for cunts with no sense of fashion.

Q: Why are you such a (insert MAGGOT-TITS GOVERNMENT MARTHA STEWART here) SHAGPILE MAGGOT-TITS?
A: I have trained VERY LONG and VERY FUCKING HARD to develop tit-maggots. Now you SWAN THE FUCK IN HERE and pretend like IT’S A FUCKING BAD THING, YOU CUNT. IF I WANT TO GET A GOVERNMENTAL ORDER TO INFECT MARTHA STEWART’S TITS WITH MAGGOTS, THEN I HAD BEST HAVE SOME TIT MAGGOTS FUCKING READY AT HAND. I will, however take your suggestion for a shagpile tit-maggot delivery method under consideration.

Q: Why do I always smell bacon?
A: Because you are a giant, disgusting, fucking HAM BEAST. You probably have half a side of pork shoved in your cunt, just in case you need it for emergencies. YOU MAKE ME SICK.

Q: Stupid people – how do they live?
A: In cars, apparently. They fucking wouldn’t if I had anything to do with it. Take the warning labels off everything, and let the problem sort itself out. By shooting everyone who complains about there no longer being any warning labels or instructions. Actually, taking the instructions off things wouldn’t make any difference because the STUPID FUCKHEADS WHO INHABIT THIS CUNTING PLANET NEVER READ THE FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS ON ANYTHING ANYWAY.

So that’s it for now. If you want to ask questions, there’s still the following ways:

Now fuck off.

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