The Daily Jerk

HAHAHAHA YORE

A little insight into the readers (Yes! That’s YOU!)

by on Jun.10, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK

I think that now is an appropriate time to just have a little back-and-forth. It’s a nice time for some feed back. I’ve been at this for about a month now, and some of you have actually continued to read my posts.

Whether this is because you actually enjoy reading what I say, enjoy getting abused (you dirty sicko), or keep accidentally clicking the daily link that I spam out on twitter or facebook, I may never know. What I DO know is that every day, at least SOME people come to see what I’ve written. What I ALSO know is that almost every day, this site manages to disappoint someone who is looking for porn.

These are my “top searches”, according to my rather vague statistics module:

  • watch you jerk
  • annoying lolspeak a haven for the illiterate
  • youngest cunts on the internet
  • cunts at puberty

For a while I was also receiving traffic from people who desperately wanted to know if you could (or should, or how to) eat a xerophile. Some people are just plain weird.

So now that I know a little about you, it’s your chance to ask some of those burning questions about why you are all such cunts. I even promise that not all the answers to questions received will be “BECAUSE YOU FUCKING ARE, YOU CUNT. YOU WERE PROBABLY BORN THAT WAY OR SOMETHING. FUCKING GET OUT OF MY FACE.”

So feel free to ask away, through the comments below, through various channels of asking me things that people who know me have open to them, or by email. I also have a formspring account for you bastards which use that crap.

I’ll endeavour to answer questions received through further posts later.

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Hating on WORDS

by on Jun.07, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, SHUT UP, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate words. I hate them, right down to their lettery cores. I hate words, I hate linguists, I hate word smiths, I hate the WORD “smith”, I hate everyone CALLED “Smith”, I ESPECIALLY hate the character “Agent Smith” in “The Matrix”, because he loved to use words, and was called “Smith”.

As far as I am concerned, words can be burnt into their own special hell, which will have no name because to name it, you have to use a word, and it any word will eventually end up in there, so applying a name will only be a temporary measure, and will only really exacerbate the problem.

So what is it about words that I hate so much? It’s the fact that they’re ALL FUCKING MISUSED BLOODY LIARS. All words have, at some point, been misappropriated by FUCKING RETARDS who think that the SOUND of the word is good enough to get their point across.

You fucking CUNTS.

Words used to be good for all sorts of things, but now, because of FUCKING ARSEHOLE RETARDO-CUNTS, you can’t trust A SINGLE FUCKING WORD TO MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS. FOR ALL I KNOW, YOU THINK I’M TALKING ABOUT HAM AND PENIS SANDWICHES, SMEARED IN ANAL JUICES. HOWEVER IF YOU THOUGHT THAT, THEN YOU PROBABLY THOUGHT THAT WHAT I JUST SAID THEN WAS ABOUT FUCKING RABBITS SKULL-FUCKING INDIAN BABIES WHILE SHOUTING RACIAL EPITHETS. HOWEVER, IF THAT WERE THE CASE… WELL YOU GET THE FUCKING IDEA THEN.

So why be angry at WORDS? They are surely the innocent victims in this situation. They have no means with which to defend themselves, outside of dictionaries, which, let’s face, it are ways of converting single words into even MORE words. Dictionaries aren’t a fucking defence. THEY ARE A FUCKING BREEDING PROGRAM FOR WORDS, AND NONE OF IT IS OF ANY FUCKING USE UNLESS YOU ALREADY KNOW FUCKING WORDS.

THAT is why I feel that it is the words at fault. THEY ARE A FALSE ECONOMY. They make you feel like you’re saying something, BUT THE SOMETHING HAS NO FUCKING MEANING IF YOU DON’T KNOW ANY WORDS. EVERYTHING COULD BE COMPLETELY FUCKING WRONG, AND YOU WOULD NEVER FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT IS BY USING MORE FUCKING WORDS.

THE WHOLE THING IS A FUCKING VICIOUS CYCLE WHICH WOULD BE EASILY AVOIDED IF WE STOPPED USING WORDS ALTOGETHER, AND FIGURED OUT A WAY OF COMMUNICATING BY IMPLANTING OUR EXACT INTENTION STRAIGHT INTO PEOPLES MINDS IN A WAY WITCH THEY WILL FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

I WANT TO SCREAM INTO YOUR FUCKING BRAIN, YOU USELESS PILE OF MAGGOTY PUS, DRIPPING IN VAGINAL JUICES, AND SOAKED IN MENSTRUAL BLOOD UNTIL WHICH POINT THAT YOU DISSOLVE AND BECOME ONE WITH YOUR FUCKING PREDECESSOR’S SANITARY WASTE.

The great irony here is that you have no way of being sure that you actually understood what I meant there, because your grasp of the English language has already been royally CUNTED OVER BY FUCKING WORDS.

FUCK YOU, WORDS.

FUCK.

YOU.

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Fighting the trolls, spammers, and cunterblasts of the Internet. (Or: how I learned to stop worrying, and love swearing)

by on May.27, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, Hello, SHUT UP

SO. Everyone is all up in arms about fighting Internet trolls, spammers, and the like. They discuss techniques like “ratings systems” and governments make goo-goo eyes at concepts like uniquely identifying citizens on the Internet.

I am here to tell you how FUCKING STUPID AND WRONG those concepts are. Have you ever heard of the saying (AND I FUCKING KNOW THAT YOU HAVE, YOU CUNTS) “Fight fire with fire”? Well aside from making FUCKING HEAPS OF FIRE, (which, incidentally looks fucking AMAZING), EVERYONE GETS BURNED. Do you know what happens after a massive disaster? LOTS OF PEOPLE DIE, AND THEN PEOPLE FUCKING COME BACK. Which people? THE PEOPLE WHO WERE FUCKING THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THEY PICKED IT FOR A REASON.

So this is why I suggest, no… recommend, wait… INSIST that the BEST way to fight trolls is to FUCKING DO IT BACK, AND MAKE EVERYTHING A SHIT-STORM UNTIL THE IT ALL BLOWS THE FUCK UP AND EVERYONE DIES. THAT IS WHEN THE PEOPLE WHO WERE THERE FIRST WILL FUCKING COME BACK TO THE CHARRED GROUND AND TRY TO PIECE SOME FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER.

THIS is the reason why I think you are all FUCKING RETARDED CUNTS. Is it because I’m an angry person? No, it’s because you are ALL FUCKING IDIOTS, SO I’M SETTING THE BAR VERY FUCKING HIGH. IF YOU WANT TO TROLL THIS FUCKING BLOG, YOU HAVE TO BE A BIGGER FUCKING CUNT THAN I AM, AND I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE THAT FUCKING EASY FOR YOU.

IS ANY OF THIS GETTING THROUGH YOUR THICK FUCKING SKULL? IS IT PENETRATING THROUGH THE LAYERS OF SEMEN, FAECES, GERBILS, CRAYONS, AND SMALL MOROCCAN BOYS THAT YOU HAVE CRAMMED INTO YOUR FUCKING FACE THROUGHOUT YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING SAD EXCUSE FOR A LIFE?

Some of you are wondering why I have to be so crude? WELL IF YOU DON’T FUCKING LIKE IT, THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU READING THIS, YOU DEMENTED, MAGGOTY, THATCHERIST CUNTS? I’M FUCKING DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING GOOD, YOU IMPOTENT SHIT-HEELS. I AM SINGLE-HANDEDLY KEEPING THE FUCKING BADDIES AWAY BY ABUSING YOU MYSELF WHILE YOU RETARDO-CUNTS SIT THERE WITH YOUR SHIT-EATING GRINS, WONDERING WHY I’M BEING SO FUCKING MEAN.

I BET YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING APPRECIATE IT, EITHER!

FUUUUUUUUCK.

YOOOOOOOOOU.

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TODAY LET US TALK ABOUT LANGUAGE

by on May.20, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

OK, cunts. This is the point where I get my NERDRAGE on about ‘epic fail’, ‘epic win’, and ‘random’. FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY. IT WAS FUNNY 7 YEARS AGO. AFTER A WHILE IT JUST GETS FUCKING OLD. OH AND WHILE I’M AT IT, IF YOU ARE STANDING NEXT TO ME, AND ACTUALLY LAUGHING, YOU DON’T FUCKING NEED TO SAY ‘LOL’ YOU STUPID CUNT. I ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU’RE FUCKING LAUGHING OUT LOUD. FUUUUCCCKKKKK!

FUCK!

Seriously, though. This ‘epic’ stuff in particular.

Noun

epic (plural epics)

  1. An extended narrative poem in elevated or dignified language, celebrating the feats of a deity or demigod (heroic epic) or other legendary or traditional hero.
    The Icelandic epic took all night to recite.
  2. A series of events considered appropriate to an epic.
    The book was an epic in four volumes.

Ben Hur: Epic.
Falling over: Not an epic (no matter how funny)
Homer’s Odyssey: Epic.
Pointing out someone else’s stupidity: NOT FUCKING EPIC.
Beowulf: Epic
Embarrassing post on facebook: ISN’T FUCKING EPIC YOU SHITCOCK!

AM I GETTING THE POINT ACROSS HERE?

OK, foaming at the mouth a bit now. The other one is ‘random’. People use it instead of ‘miscellaneous’. ‘Random photos’ are very rarely random. They aren’t taken at random intervals by your camera, and you obviously have a method for picking which ones to upload (whether it be ‘pick the good ones’, or ‘upload fucking everything’) which means not even that is random. Perhaps ‘unsorted’ or even ‘miscellaneous’ would be better, but they’re NOT FUCKING RANDOM.

JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE USING A WORD INCORRECTLY DOESN’T CHANGE IT’S FUCKING DEFINITION. AND THEN YOU WONDER WHY PEOPLE LEARNING THE LANGUAGE HAVE SUCH A HARD FUCKING TIME UNDERSTANDING WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. ARE YOU DELIBERATELY BEING A CUNT, OR DO YOU JUST NOT NOTICE?

I can GET memes. I LIKE memes. I understand that SOMETIMES memes escape the Internet. But when a meme has BROKEN YOUR GRASP ON THE ENGLISH FUCKING LANGUAGE then I think that it’s possibly GONE A LITTLE BIT TOO FUCKING FAR.

I KNOW THAT THIS RANT IS ALL INCONSISTENT AND BROKEN FUCK YOU, YOU CUNT PICKLE.

1 Comment more...

HEY SHIT-DICKS!

by on May.13, 2010, under HAHAHAHA YORE, SHUT UP

YOU’RE ALL UP IN YOUR OWN ARSES SAYING UR LIKE IT’S THE TIMES OF YORE! WELL FUUUCK THAT!

AND FUCK YOU, TOO, CUNTS! HAH!

Now try to argue that someone used the wrong “your” or “you’re”. I’ll punch you RIGHT IN THE CERVIX WITH A HALIBUT.

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