The Daily Jerk

Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Don’t go under the bridge, that’s where trolls live!

by on Aug.02, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, I'm 12 wat is this?, kids books, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, Stories for children, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Under the bridge is where trolls live, just like under the trap door in my garage is where I hide the bodies of neighborhood cunt beasts whose frisbees end up in my yard. It’s where they live in terms of sleeping, eating, and scaring goats, but not where they work. Where trolls really live is on the Internet, and what they eat is reactions. The sooner people learn this, the sooner we can get on about our lives without having fucking idiots telling us about “Cyber Security”, “Cyber Bullying”, and “Cyberspace Etiquette” every time some dead shit parent lets their retarded cunt spawn have a webcam in their bedroom.

All these supposed “Cyber Experts” seem to be old, confused, and still like to think of the Internet as that blue ‘e’ on their desktop which they can use to get to “the facebooks”. The advice they all spout has no real relevance to the way the Internet works, and is somewhere between kindergarten sand pit problem solving (tell the teacher), and the suggested response for terrorism (red alert bring in the SWAT teams and maybe Jack Bauer). Every little incident must be reported to the feds, because they seem to be so efficient at solving “Cyber Crimes”. Of all the problems in the world that people try to solve with prevention and education, this is one of the only ones where that might be the right way to go.

You see, the problem is that the Internet isn’t LIKE the playground. You can’t give someone a slap on the wrist for misbehaving, because you don’t make the rules. You can’t make rules based on your own morals or society because MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET AREN’T PART OF YOUR SOCIETY AND PROBABLY DON’T SHARE YOUR MORALS. Trying to FORCE them to see things your way is both AS IGNORANT AS A FUCKING ROCK, and NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WELL WORK.

Of course, these simple facts have never stopped certain people in various countries from TRYING to control the Internet, usually with a call of “SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” The thing is that these people who hatch plans to control the Internet invariably know ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT IT. They are probably the same type of retards who think that you can make unlimited free energy using magnets. They don’t listen to people who ACTUALLY FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING because they’ve labeled THEMSELVES THE FUCKING EXPERTS. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO ANYONE FUCKING ELSE? THEY MADE UP THEIR MIND AND BUILT THEMSELVES A WEBSITE IN MICROSOFT FUCKING FRONT PAGE, SO THEY MUST BE THE FUCKING EXPERTS.

ALSO HOW THE FUCK DO THESE CUNTS SPEND 8 HOURS A DAY “WORKING” ON A FUCKING STATIC WEBSITE? WHAT DO THEY DO? CLICK AROUND THE PAGES TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING THERE? I WRITE CONTENT EVERY FUCKING WEEK DAY, AND I DON’T SPEND 8 FUCKING HOURS, EVEN WHEN I’M ASSUAGING MY NEED TO STARE CONSTANTLY AT THE FUCKING STATISTICS. IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT FUCKING LONG TO “RUN” A FUCKING WEBSITE. THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LABELED YOURSELF AN EXPERT ON “CYBER” FUCKING ANYTHING IS A TESTAMENT TO YOUR FUCKING INEPTITUDE AS A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE LINED UP AND FUCKING SHOT BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY OF NO USE TO THE REST OF FUCKING SOCIETY. OH, SOMEONE WAS MEAN TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE FUCKING CUNT BEAST ON THE INTERNET? WELL IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNT SPAWN ISN’T PLAYING IN THE BAD AREAS. YOU CAN’T BLAME A FUCKING LORRY DRIVER FOR HITTING YOUR CHILD IF YOU LET THEM PLAY ON A 6 LANE FREEWAY, BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE SAME APPLIES TO THE FUCKING INTERNET. YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCKING CUNTS SHOULD EDUCATE YOURSELVES ABOUT WHERE IT’S SAFE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS BALL OF LARD AND FUCKING HAIR TO PLAY, OR YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING COMPUTER.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF YOU FEEL THAT INTERNET ACCESS IS A RIGHT FOR YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN, IF YOU CAN’T SPELL INTERNET, OR DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “GOOGLE” AND A WEB BROWSER, THEN YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ELECTROCUTED BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.

Computers and the Internet are handy tools, but like any other fucking tool, they’re not safe for children to use unsupervised. If you don’t feel that you can watch your child every fucking second of the day, then GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ARSE OFF THE COUCH, STOP WATCHING TODAY TONIGHT, AND FUCKING MONITOR WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE FUCKING DOING. SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH EFFORT? THEN DON’T FUCKING WELL LET YOUR KIDS USE THE DAMNED THING. DO WE NEED TO PUT FUCKING MASSIVE WARNING LABELS ON COMPUTERS SO THAT YOU KNOW THAT BAD THINGS CAN FUCKING HAPPEN? IF WE DID DO THAT WOULD YOU EVEN FUCKING READ THEM? IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A NAIL GUN SAFELY WOULD YOU LET YOUR 10 YEAR OLD PLAY AROUND WITH IT UNSUPERVISED? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO.

WHEN DID THE WORLD GET SO FUCKING DENSE? WHEN DID COMMON SENSE GET SO FUCKING RARE? SINCE WHEN DID CLAIMING TO BE AN EXPERT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY MAKE IT SO? WHEN WILL EVERYONE GET JUST SO SANE THAT I CAN STOP YELLING PROFANITIES AT YOU ALL? WILL ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS BE LESS RHETORICAL? I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!

YOU FAT BASTARDS.

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Live every day like it’s your last

by on Jul.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, how are you today?, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, The one who calls wolf quite often

That’s the advice you’ll get from me! Live EVERY DAY like it’s your last day alive! Don’t hold back, just do it! You might die today, and have all these things left undone. It will torment you forever!

So it is all well and good to talk about living every day like it’s your last, but what does it really mean? Well that depends on how you want to be remembered. Do you want everyone to remember you fondly, and gather around occasionally to share the good memories? Well in that case, you need to die from a horrible terminal disease. Current popular ways to die are AIDS, cancer, or pretty much anything which is gradual, painful death. This gives people a chance to gather around you, while making it difficult for you to ruin the happy image that you want people to remember by being, well, you.

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t have the AIDS! How am I meant to pull this off?”

Well the answer is simple. Stay in bed all day, refuse to eat, and take heavy pain killers. You will develop a sickly pallor, be very vague, and lose muscle mass. Tell everyone that you don’t want to cause a fuss to anyone, least of all the medical system. The longer you are in this state, the more people will talk about how strong you are, fighting off the horrible disease. Of course, if you stick around too long, people will start to wonder. They will try to bring in nurses and doctors; after a while you won’t be able to turn them down, as you won’t have much of an idea what is going on any more. If this eventually happens, it is probably best to wander off while no-one is looking, and try to start a new life somewhere else. You could also try the miraculous recovery route, which lets you move into all sorts of fields like motivational speaking.

What if you don’t really care how people remember you? Well do I have the plan for you! You see, there is a little thing in this world called inhibition. It’s what stops you from doing what you want when you want. It’s what keeps you afraid that tomorrow will be another day, and that you will have to live through it. Happily, when you are living your final day, this inhibition is pretty useless, meaning that you can do whatever you want. So when you are living like it’s the last day you’ll be alive, all you have to do is drop all inhibitions. At a bakery? Think that eating four meat pies, three doughnuts, and a half-dozen caramel slices might not be a good idea? Well just go for it! You won’t be alive tomorrow to regret it!

Don’t have the money to pay for all of it? Who cares! Punch the baker in the face, and take keep eating. There’s no need to run away, or rob them, because you won’t be alive tomorrow. Just keep doing whatever you want. It doesn’t matter! After this, you should go to the pub. Have a few drinks, and pay for nothing. You’ll probably be dead tomorrow, so you are just trying to make the most of the limited time you have left. Who cares it it is 10AM? If it’s later, then you are already wasting your precious time.

Once you are drunk, that should help you to drop the last few inhibitions that you may be holding on to. Track down any girls (or boys) that you ever had a thing for. This is the last day you will have a chance, so you better not waste it! Remember to shout “Surprise!” when they see you, and if you still have clothes on at this point, then that’s more time wasted.

Call everyone who cares about you, and tell them exactly how you feel. It doesn’t matter if you make them cry, because they are fat and deserve to know it, besides they’ll be the only ones around to feel like jerks tomorrow; this is the last day that you are alive! Call the step father who touched you at night; tell him that you had herpes then, and he has it now. Call your mother and tell her that she ruined your life for not getting you that ultra-deluxe BMX when you were seven. Today is all about you, because this is the absolute last day you’ll get to live!

That is what it means to live every day like it’s your last. Of course, you will wake up the next day, but you just have to keep doing the same thing. You probably won’t be alive for much longer anyway.

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Censoring the Internet – what you need to know.

by on Jul.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Hello, horoscopes, How did this become 'The Birds' slash-fiction?, Illuminati, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, SHUT UP, STOP IT, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Today I would like to talk about Internet Censorship. After talking to my legal department, however, it has been decided that some of the conversation may spark unwanted knowledge, which could affect the course of this blog. In response, I have taken the liberty of removing all these nonsense bits which could make you think, and leaving just the basic, easy to digest parts of the conversation. Here we go.

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A wise man once said you were a cunt.

by on Jul.20, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

I am all for quotes. If someone says something witty, deep, profound, whatever, then it’s only natural for people to want to share the insight. I like quotes. I DON’T like stupid cunts who don’t properly attribute quotes. I hate it when they try to pretend that they came up with the insight on their own. You obviously aren’t that deep, or even particularly likeable. Stop fucking doing it, you shit burger.

Not attributing a quote isn’t the worst part, though. People can still ask “Who said that?”, which both forces the quoter to divulge their source, and also subtly calls them out as a useless pile of human excrement. No, the one that really gets to me is when people quote fictional characters as if they came up with the line themselves.

The quote came from a CHARACTER. They DO NOT EXIST. Quoting them as if what they say has a DEEP MEANING IN THIS WORLD IS JUST FUCKING RETARDED, BECAUSE THEY DO NOT EXIST IN THIS FUCKING WORLD. THE QUOTE WAS WRITTEN BY A WRITER, YOU FUCKING STINKING SEMEN STAIN. BUZZ LIGHT YEAR DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. JUST BECAUSE HE SAYS “TO INFINITY AND BEYOND” DOESN’T MEAN THAT IT HAS ANY FUCKING RELEVANCE TO ANYTHING EVER. IT’S TOTAL FUCKING NONSENSE. YOU CAN’T GO TO INFINITY, IT’S NOT A FUCKING PLACE. YOU SURE AS FUCK CAN’T GO BEYOND INFINITY, BECAUSE THEN IT’S OBVIOUSLY NOT FUCKING INFINITE THEN.

I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK THAT IT’S SOMEHOW INSPIRING THAT A FICTIONAL TOY HAS NO GRASP ON THE CONCEPT OF INFINITY, YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT. STOP QUOTING IT, THINKING THAT IT FUCKING WELL MEANS ANYTHING. IT DOESN’T, YOU HOPELESS FUCKING SHIT HEEL.

Even this isn’t the worst thing that people do though. The worst one, the absolute STAB YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING EYE WITH A RUSTY PENIS one is when someone ATTRIBUTES A QUOTE FROM A FICTIONAL CHARACTER TO THE ACTOR WHO PORTRAYED THEM. I can’t get my head around it. Sure, the actor TECHNICALLY said it, but IT STILL ISN’T THEIR FUCKING INSIGHT, AND IT STILL DOESN’T FUCKING APPLY TO THE REAL WORLD BECAUSE THEY WERE SAID AS A FUCKING CHARACTER IN A FICTIONAL PIECE OF WORK. OH, PLEASE FUCKING KILL YOURSELF BEFORE YOU ATTRIBUTE ANY MORE QUOTES TO JOHNNY DEPP, OR HEATH LEDGER, OR BRAD FUCKING PITT.

I AM GLAD THAT YOU FUCKING GET THE POINT THAT TYLER DURDEN ISN’T A REAL PERSON, NOT EVEN IN THE FICTIONAL WORLD, BUT THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MEAN THAT EVERY LINE HE SPOUTS CAN BE ATTRIBUTED TO BRAD FUCKING PITT, YOU FUCKING STUPID, DELUDED CUNT. JUST FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY, OK? I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. I DON’T WANT TO READ IT ON FACEBOOK, AND EVERYONE WHO FOLLOWS IT UP WITH COMMENTS ABOUT “HOW TRU” OR HOW IT INSPIRES YOU, CAN FUCKING CHOKE ON A GIANT PAIR OF SWEATY FUCKING TESTICLES. I FUCKING HATE YOU, AND YOU ALL DESERVE TO DIE.

You can fucking quote me on that.

CABBAGE.

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Marketing blogs like someone else sells stuff that’s not blogs

by on Jul.16, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Hello, how are you today?

Today I am going to borrow a marketing ploy from Old Spice. For people who don’t hold with this whole “Internet” thing, they’ve been making short videos for people who talk to them. It works because it’s INTERACTING with your AUDIENCE.

Well today, I put out a call to the people to ask them to ask me things, and I would provide them with personalised posts. Well it appears that everyone is a bunch of total cunts, and didn’t want me to single them out. Perhaps this is because they thought that I would just call them a bunch of cunts, or perhaps it’s because everyone just thought someone else would do it, I don’t know. In response, however, I have decided to pick random tweets off the Internet, and respond to them. They are not my audience, so they probably won’t appreciate being called cunts, either. Oh well, at least I’m not losing readers out of it!

@Angry_Drunk says: OMFG! iOS 4.0.1 has stopped the flow of oil into the Gulf! Kudos Apple.

Well, Angry Drunk, I believe that the flow of oil into the gulf was quite possibly actually a product of Apple. You see, Apple manufactures things which are largely made of plastic. Unbeknownst to many people, plastic is made, in part, from oil. Sure, some people will tell you that it grown on trees, but those people are fucking idiots, who have never seen real trees. They can’t be helped. So the problem is that Apple wanted more oil, so BP tried to rescue the oil from the depths of the ocean floor. This is less like Aqua Man than it sounds. Long story short, unless the cap was actually made out of iphones, and the latest firmware update somehow MAGICALLY gave them oil-blocking properties, you are a fucking idiot. Nothing personal, because I don’t know you, but twitter tells me that you are popular. Ish.

@Esther_P says: first all why is every thing tweeting twice and 2nd of all did julia gillard really call the election?

Well Esther, I am glad that of all the problems in your life, the most pressing one is everything tweeting twice. While you could be worrying about the soon to be massive pile of student debt that you are amassing, or the fact that some stranger on the Internet picked up your tweet, and from that has decided to call you a vapid cunt, you are instead worrying about the well being of the website, twitter. Perhaps you aren’t really that vapid. This, of course, is followed up by your second most pressing concern; did Julia Gillard call an election. It is good to see that you, an all round great gal are worried about politics as well as websites, even if only so you can find something appropriate to wear. Why, a quick look at your stream gives us such insights into your nature. “cancer really blows” you mused, and “i think i may be a snob?”. Oh how we laughed!

Anyway, you’re a vapid cunt.

@velisyajane says: #nowplaying 21 guns-greenday

Well thank you, Velisya Jane, for sharing with us what you are listening to. I don’t really care, though, because I’m not listening to it. I didn’t ask you what you were listening to, because I can’t hear it, although I’m sure that if you are on public transport, everyone else sitting around you can hear it. Tweets like this are a largely pointless waste of space, and I hate you.

@_glossolalia_ says: Iefu squeankostrai iecri estrectooshi ispoo driell! #sheliedtoyou#agoodrelationship#thistweetisdedicated2

Dear glossolalia. You make a valid point. Go forth, brave soldier.

OK, that about wraps it up. I’ve always wanted to say that, and other than the intended meaning (FUCK OFF, I HATE YOU, AND YOU’RE KEEPING ME FROM MY CAVIAR, COCAINE, AND POOL FULL OF MONEY), I’m not aware that it has any ACTUAL meaning. Enjoy your weekend, you fucking cunts.

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Rewarding the useless for accidentally being less so.

by on Jul.14, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, Spill, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

We are living in a brave new world! Apparently the thing being called “The biggest environmental disaster of our century” (which personally I think of as both very optimistic, and a brilliant challenge) has been stopped, with BP capping the well! Let us all sing their praises and shower them with consumerism, to reward them for doing for taking several months to fix a problem that should never have happened in the first place! AREN’T THEY JUST THE BEST?

While we’re at it, we should meet our carbon reduction targets by letting everyone carry on business as usual, and only rewarding (by way of tax cuts) those businesses who actually try to do anything. THIS IS A PREFECT IDEA WHICH CANNOT HELP BUT SUCCEED. WHY WE’LL MAKE THOSE BUSINESSES SO KEEN FOR TAX CUTS THAT THEY’LL BE FIGHTING AMONGST THEMSELVES TO BE THE MOST “GREEN”! THIS PLAN IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FLAWLESS!

Apparently some people don’t understand when I’m being sarcastic, so this is especially for you, cosmicharade (and others).

I WAS BEING FUCKING SARCASTIC YOU USELESS, MOUTH BREATHING, HAM BEASTS! I DO THAT HERE. THAT’S PRETTY MUCH WHAT THIS SITE IS FOR. SORRY TO TEAR DOWN THE FOURTH FUCKING WALL HERE, BUT SERIOUSLY ARE YOU CUNTS THAT FUCKING STUPID?

So applauding BP is fucking retarded. They fucked up, failed to fix it for THREE FUCKING MONTHS, and now that the EVENTUALLY HAVE, they are some kind of fucking heroes? YOU BEST BE FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU CUNTS. IF SOMEONE SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE WITH A CROSSBOW THEN DECIDED TO SPEND THREE MONTHS “EXPERIMENTING” ON DIFFERENT WAYS OF HOW TO GET THE ARROW OUT, WHEN THEY FINALLY DID YOU STILL WOULDN’T BE FUCKING THANKING THEM. YOU ARE FORGETTING THE PART WHERE THEY SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE, AND COMPLETELY IGNORING THE THREE MONTHS OF DICKING THE FUCK AROUND. FOCUSING ON THE FACT THAT THEY EVENTUALLY FIXED IT DOES NOT NEGATE ALL THE FUCKING DAMAGE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED IF YOU THINK THAT IT DOES.

Rewarding people for doing what they’re meant to do is fine, IF THEY DO IT RIGHT, AND IN A TIMELY FUCKING MANNER. If the person shooting you with a crossbow did it accidentally, and immediately called an ambulance to have the arrow extracted properly, that might be forgivable. If they do it without laughing at the fact that you have a fucking arrow in your face, then you might even call their quick action commendable. If they insisted on doing it themselves, and fucking around with it in the process, THEN THEY SHOULDN’T BE REWARDED FOR FUCKING WELL EVENTUALLY GETTING IT RIGHT.

The same goes for the fucking business leaders who think that JUST BECAUSE there is a new prime minister, that you should be FUCKING REWARDED for doing the bare minimum, and left alone if you don’t fucking well do that. Here’s a carbon reduction policy for you:

Subsidise businesses in their attempts to use cleaner, renewable energy, and better, more efficient processes. Do this so that they aren’t put out of business trying to get up to spec. Pay for it by TAXING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ANY BUSINESS WHO DOESN’T MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE FUCKING BETTER. Don’t give breaks to big polluters because they’re nice guys, TAX THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THEM UNTIL THEY FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE MORE FUCKING EFFICIENT.

If a company really doesn’t care enough to change and contribute, THEN THEY’LL PROBABLY DIE IN A PIT OF UNPAID TAX. Of course, this will affect employment, but I’ve got that covered, too. HIRE MORE PEOPLE WORKING LESS HOURS, WHICH WILL BE SUSTAINABLE DUE TO THE SAVINGS MADE ON THE NEW FOUND EFFICIENT PROCESSES. YOU COUPLE PROBABLY AFFORD TO PAY EVERYONE MORE, TOO. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. IT’S ECONOMICS. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ECONOMICS, AND I’VE ALREADY COME UP WITH SOLUTIONS. IF I CAN DO IT, SURELY SOMEONE WHO’S JOB IT IS COULD FUCKING DO IT, AND I’LL BET THEY WANT A FUCKING PAT ON THE HEAD FOR DOING IT TOO.

So, in conclusion: Rewarding people for eventually undoing their own stupidity? Fucking retarded. Rewarding people for changing for the better, while ignoring people who aren’t contributing? Fucking cunt move. Calling me an armchair politician because I haven’t fixed the entire fucking world already? Just fucking shoot yourself.

Fuck you, cunts.

Cabbage.

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My Torment: hearing computer jargon get butchered on films and television.

by on Jul.13, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It bugs me, OK? If you have a main character who is meant to be a computer wiz, then it stands to reason that they should seem like they know something about computers. Happily, script writers have realised that, and fill characters’ speech with junk jargon, stringing together buzz-words, and the occasional terms which have hit main-stream popularity. Sadly, they never check with any actual nerds to find out if what is being said makes even THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF FUCKING SENSE.

Once, people thought it gave credibility to a character if they mention google. Now it’s myspace, facebook, or youtube. Whatever is popular. If they’re a hard-core hacker, then they’ll “know unix”, or will “de-fragment the mainframe to reverse the IP polarity, and use that to back-door through the firewall so they can crack the encryption on the database password, thus letting us ftp into the suspect’s computer remotely and read their files.”

It makes no fucking sense. FUCKING NONE. YET SOME STUPID CUNT RECOGNISES “DE-FRAGMENT”, “FIREWALL”, AND “ENCRYPTION”, AS COMPUTERY WORDS, SO IT’S ALL FUCKING OK THEN, ISN’T IT?

It doesn’t stop there, either. Almost every TV show or movie in history that has a “computer wiz” has shown a process of “ENHANCE THE PHOTO”, like it’s something that can be fucking done in seconds on ANY OLD FUCKING COMPUTER, WITH ONLY A FEW FUCKING TYPED COMMANDS. PROCESSING POWER, INTERFACE, AND PHYSICAL CAPABILITY BE DAMNED. PLOT IS MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT. ONE OF THESE DAYS I’LL BUILD A PROGRAM WHICH “ENHANCES” PHOTOS BY RECREATING THEM AS FUCKING GOATSE. SEE HOW YOU CUNTS FUCKING LIKE IT THEN.

Computers aren’t the only victim to useless cunts who think that faking it badly can get you through. The other big one is music. Violins and guitar in particular. The concept should be pretty simple. Move fingers or hands when notes change, and if you pluck a string with your finger in different places, you should be able to tell the difference between high and low notes. EVERY TIME I SEE SOMEONE BADLY FAKING A GUITAR SOLO BY MOVING THEIR HAND AROUND LIKE A RETARDED, COKED OUT MONKEY, I AM A LITTLE HAPPIER BECAUSE AT LEAST THEY’VE REALISED THAT “FAST BIT MEANS HAND MOVES”. THE CUNTS WHO ARE STILL PRETENDING TO PLAY CHORDS THAT DON’T EXIST CAN FUCK OFF THOUGH. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU TAKE ONE FUCKING LESSON, AND AT LEAST UNDERSTAND THE BASICS OF THE INSTRUMENT? IF YOU ARE A MAIN CHARACTER, AND PLAYING GUITAR OR VIOLIN IS A BIG PART OF YOUR SCHTICK, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LEARN HOW TO FUCKING HOLD THE THING PROPERLY? EVERY TIME YOU DON’T YOU ARE JUST MAKING EVERY MUSICIAN WATCHING HATE YOU JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.

Some movies get it right. They make the actors ACTUALLY LEARN HOW TO PLAY, EVEN IF HORRIBLY. That’s all I ask. You are getting paid fuck loads of money, so just pretend like you care about what you’re doing on screen more than you care about which small Moroccan boy you’ll snort your next line off the butt crack of.

I know that some people think that it isn’t worth much to make these small things right, but just imagine if they let everything go as badly as they let these two areas. Imagine if in “Julie and Julia” the main character (one of them) threw a live chicken into a deep fryer, and called it lightly poached. No-one would buy it, but that’s exactly what is happening every time a movie hacker “re-routes the USB signal to the Wifi multiplexer, before getting tracked by a TRACER TEE!”

Just because you vapid cunts don’t understand what you’re saying doesn’t mean that it makes technical sense. Fuck off and die.

Or I’ll hack all your IPs into the modem and re-boot the registry engine device. Remotely.

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The one who calls wolf quite often.

by on Jul.06, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH

Today I would like to share with you a story. A story of love, and of loss; of house mates, and sex shops. I would like to share with you the story of “Cam”. I could change his name to protect the innocent, but let’s face it, those who know me already know of him, and those who don’t won’t be able to find him through what I tell you.

His name was “Cam”, which you can probably assume was short for “Cameron”. I won’t tell you his last name, because frankly I’ve forgotten it. I wouldn’t be able to track him down if I wanted to, and I really don’t want to.

So if this person is so particularly distasteful to me, why am I bringing him up? Why now, after I haven’t lived with nor seen him for nearly five years now? Because of this:

No, I didn’t just receive this. It’s an old letter. Someone pointed me to it again, and I had no other plans for today’s post. That’s why you’re getting this today.

The back story is this: I had accidentally paid my week’s rent into his bank account, realised my mistake, and had attempted to contact him to nicely ask if he could rectify the mistake. He returned the money, but also added this beautifully worded letter. I know that many of you here would be thinking “Nicely? You? I seriously doubt that”, but I really just wanted my rent money back, so I wasn’t about to be a dick about it.

The content of the letter isn’t that important. There are just a couple of sticking points, though, that always make me smirk. First up, he reprimands me for acting foolishly. I must admit, I should probably have been more careful when checking that I had, in fact, selected the correct account to transfer money to. It’s a mistake that I had not made before, and have never made since. He sounds almost hurt at this point. A minor inconvenience for him was perhaps a biting blow to his ego.

Next is some rather unimportant stuff about the finer workings of netbank, including one of my all time favourite words “erroneous”. Nothing here of interest, really other than his claim that it will now be physically impossible for him ever to transfer money to me. There is also talk of how busy he is, which I won’t delve in to here.

Finally we arrive at the most baffling part of the letter. This is the part which really inspired the entire post.

“The one who calls wolf quite often”

Long have I wondered what this means. Is he accusing me of being a liar? Is he saying that he lies, frequently? Is this some kind of trying-to-be-deep sign off? Am I actually an idiot for missing some hilarious contemporary reference?

This line has always confused me. It has no context, no exact or deliberate meaning. This is the type of shit that makes me want to punch people in the throats, but also hug and comfort the poor, confused people. IT MAKES NO SENSE. It SEEMS to be referencing the old folk tale of “the boy who cried wolf”, but I can’t figure out why. He had stooged me for bill money before (part of the reason why he was no longer my flat mate), so perhaps he thought that bills were frivolous fancies of mine, and that he would indulge me for the moment, but when a REAL expense came up, my pleas may fall on deaf ears.

It could be a reference to a TV show, or a song, added as a regular sign off or signature. I tried my good friend Google, but to no avail. It exists no-where in the world outside of this letter.

Then some days, like now, I think perhaps that this was his final stab. His final kick into my hypothetical teeth of logic. Something designed to worry, no, TORTURE me until my dying breath. A statement so devoid of reason that it makes “Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?” seem like a sane thing to say.

If this is the case, Cameron, then I must say this to you, sir. Well played.

You fucking cunt.

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