The Daily Jerk

Hello

Happy fun times! A Puzzler!

by on Aug.03, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, HAHAHAHA YORE, Happy fun times, Hello, horoscopes, how are you today?, I'm 12 wat is this?, lining up for fun and profit, SHUT UP, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

This’ll keep you guessing.

The words to find are:
CUNT
CABBAGE
WILDERBEAST
VAGINA
MAGGOT
THATCHER
TUGGING
FUCK
BANANA
YOUR
NETBALL
TEAM
SUCKS
DONKEY
BALLS
SO
THERE

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Surviving Australia – Everything you need to know

by on Jul.26, 2010, under Hello, how are you today?, TRUTH

Whether you are a tourist or a recent immigrant, Australia can be a difficult place to understand. The rules are complex, confusing, and even if you follow them, someone might still beat you up for looking funny. Luckily, there’s only a few things that you need to know to survive in this country. Even better, I’m willing to tell you those few things. I’ll start with the country itself, and work up to the people who call it home.

The land

Australia is a large place. We have more land per capita than most other developed countries. The reason that it is this way is because the land is mostly unusable, murderous, wasteland. Most of our tourism is based around the idea of escaping from this vast, brown, death hole. The two major experiences you will get while visiting Australia for recreation will be either: survive the outback (if you can, but you probably can’t), or try to swim away (before the ocean kills you, which it probably will). The local population usually tries to avoid doing either of these things, because they consider them indescribably dangerous, and pretty stupid to boot.

The water

Australia is an island nation. As our national anthem proudly proclaims, we are girt by sea. There is no way to get to any other country without somehow facing the water. Like most things to do with Australia, the surrounding sea is a desolate wasteland teeming with interesting ways to die. If you head north, there are jellyfish, sting rays, sharks, more jelly fish, blue ringed octopus, stone fish, even more jelly fish, and even some sharks. To the south, there’s mostly sharks, but they are bigger and angrier sharks. There’s little reason to go south, though, because the only places you could get are Antarctica, New Zealand, or Tasmania. Some astute observers may point out that Tasmania is officially part of Australia, but we only keep it around so that politicians have a testing ground that the general population doesn’t care about. There are also many rivers and lakes in Australia, which largely serve the purpose of harboring crocodiles. The best advice about water that a tourist can receive is “Stay away from it, it’s trying to kill you.”

The plants

After hearing about the general inhospitable nature of both the land and the sea, most people assume that all the plants in Australia are poisonous. This is largely not the case. Just being poisonous would be far too easy for any self-respecting plant, so instead, Australian plants have developed a way to survive on very little water. This may not seem like a bad trait until you consider every other country in the world, where plant life usually implies that water is close by. If you happen to get lost in the bush, most people would be tempted to seek out a grove of trees, hoping to find something to drink. In Australia, you will soon find that doing this will just result in you finding disappointment. As you lie, dying of thirst on the rocks by the roots of a large grey gum, you will hear the leaves stirred by a gentle breeze. Your last, dying thought, is how much it sounds like laughter. If you do happen to find water, there is a very good chance that there is a crocodile watching you, waiting for you to get close.

The animals

The only thing you need to know about the native animals in Australia is this: they can all kill you, and probably will, just for the fun of it. Not only do we have most of the world’s most venomous snakes and spiders, but even the cute fury animals are dangerous. A kangaroo can tear open your stomach with it’s hind legs; a platypus has poison sacks, and a bad attitude; and let’s just hope that you never meet a pissed off wombat. In fact, the least dangerous creature is the super intelligent echidna, which happens to be covered in spines that are so sharp that they can pierce your skin by looking at them. As mentioned earlier, the water-bound animals are just as deadly, and probably twice as angry. In a cruel twist of government, most of the native animals in Australia are protected species, meaning that you couldn’t kill them even if they were eating your family. The only animals which you can legally hunt are the ones which, since being introduced, learned that the only way to survive is to breed faster than they can be killed off.

The people

The people of Australia are generally trusting and friendly. The majority of them work hard, love to drink, and will lend a hand whenever someone is in trouble. The rest of them just love to drink. The second group, largely known variously as bogans, bevans, westies, or yobbos, are prone to violent outbursts, and should be largely avoided by the wary traveler. They are distrustful of anyone different from themselves, which is only amplified by the consumption of alcohol. If you find yourself surrounded by an angry group of these bogans, your best defense is to try to distract them. A little known fact is that the only thing bogans hate more than foreigners, is a bogan from another state. For example, if you are in Queensland, the bogans will likely stop beating you if you can make them think that either a Victorian, or better yet, someone from New South Wales is nearby. For New South Wales, try Victorian, or Queenslander. If you are in Victora, then try Queensland or New South Wales. If you aren’t sure where the bogans are from, then the safe bet is always to try to convince them that there is a Tasmanian nearby.

The language

Speaking to an Australian involves some creativity. Full words are rarely, if ever, used in conversation. There is a simple pattern to follow, though, so that what you say can be understood.

  • Names longer than three letters should be shortened, then add an ‘o’ or a ‘zza’ onto the end. e.g. Steven should become Stevo, Wally should become Wazza.
  • Names that are three letters or less should be extended with an ‘o’. e.g. Ben should become Benno, Tim should become Timmo.
  • Anyone with red hair should be called “Blue”
  • Vowels are important, but most consonants are optional. e.g. “Australia” should be pronounced “Austraaaya”
  • The majority of the vocabulary is a mixture of rhyming slang, shortenings, and in-jokes. e.g. Tommo hit the frog and toad, then chucked a mainy back to the bottlo. (Tom left by road, before doing a u-turn and proceeding back to the alcohol store.)

That is about all you need to know to be able to survive in Australia. The one last tip to remember, if you ever find yourself cornered by bogans in a pub; the way to turn the entire situation around is a simple phrase: “My shout”.

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Censoring the Internet – what you need to know.

by on Jul.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Hello, horoscopes, How did this become 'The Birds' slash-fiction?, Illuminati, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, SHUT UP, STOP IT, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Today I would like to talk about Internet Censorship. After talking to my legal department, however, it has been decided that some of the conversation may spark unwanted knowledge, which could affect the course of this blog. In response, I have taken the liberty of removing all these nonsense bits which could make you think, and leaving just the basic, easy to digest parts of the conversation. Here we go.

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Marketing blogs like someone else sells stuff that’s not blogs

by on Jul.16, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Hello, how are you today?

Today I am going to borrow a marketing ploy from Old Spice. For people who don’t hold with this whole “Internet” thing, they’ve been making short videos for people who talk to them. It works because it’s INTERACTING with your AUDIENCE.

Well today, I put out a call to the people to ask them to ask me things, and I would provide them with personalised posts. Well it appears that everyone is a bunch of total cunts, and didn’t want me to single them out. Perhaps this is because they thought that I would just call them a bunch of cunts, or perhaps it’s because everyone just thought someone else would do it, I don’t know. In response, however, I have decided to pick random tweets off the Internet, and respond to them. They are not my audience, so they probably won’t appreciate being called cunts, either. Oh well, at least I’m not losing readers out of it!

@Angry_Drunk says: OMFG! iOS 4.0.1 has stopped the flow of oil into the Gulf! Kudos Apple.

Well, Angry Drunk, I believe that the flow of oil into the gulf was quite possibly actually a product of Apple. You see, Apple manufactures things which are largely made of plastic. Unbeknownst to many people, plastic is made, in part, from oil. Sure, some people will tell you that it grown on trees, but those people are fucking idiots, who have never seen real trees. They can’t be helped. So the problem is that Apple wanted more oil, so BP tried to rescue the oil from the depths of the ocean floor. This is less like Aqua Man than it sounds. Long story short, unless the cap was actually made out of iphones, and the latest firmware update somehow MAGICALLY gave them oil-blocking properties, you are a fucking idiot. Nothing personal, because I don’t know you, but twitter tells me that you are popular. Ish.

@Esther_P says: first all why is every thing tweeting twice and 2nd of all did julia gillard really call the election?

Well Esther, I am glad that of all the problems in your life, the most pressing one is everything tweeting twice. While you could be worrying about the soon to be massive pile of student debt that you are amassing, or the fact that some stranger on the Internet picked up your tweet, and from that has decided to call you a vapid cunt, you are instead worrying about the well being of the website, twitter. Perhaps you aren’t really that vapid. This, of course, is followed up by your second most pressing concern; did Julia Gillard call an election. It is good to see that you, an all round great gal are worried about politics as well as websites, even if only so you can find something appropriate to wear. Why, a quick look at your stream gives us such insights into your nature. “cancer really blows” you mused, and “i think i may be a snob?”. Oh how we laughed!

Anyway, you’re a vapid cunt.

@velisyajane says: #nowplaying 21 guns-greenday

Well thank you, Velisya Jane, for sharing with us what you are listening to. I don’t really care, though, because I’m not listening to it. I didn’t ask you what you were listening to, because I can’t hear it, although I’m sure that if you are on public transport, everyone else sitting around you can hear it. Tweets like this are a largely pointless waste of space, and I hate you.

@_glossolalia_ says: Iefu squeankostrai iecri estrectooshi ispoo driell! #sheliedtoyou#agoodrelationship#thistweetisdedicated2

Dear glossolalia. You make a valid point. Go forth, brave soldier.

OK, that about wraps it up. I’ve always wanted to say that, and other than the intended meaning (FUCK OFF, I HATE YOU, AND YOU’RE KEEPING ME FROM MY CAVIAR, COCAINE, AND POOL FULL OF MONEY), I’m not aware that it has any ACTUAL meaning. Enjoy your weekend, you fucking cunts.

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You dang-nab pirates be stealin’ all me flickies! You kids ain’t got no respect!

by on Jul.15, 2010, under CABBAGE, Hello, Ol' Grand-pappy, Pirates

Whelll-ee boy-o! I dun gone figured you out! You kids been stealin’ all me flickies on them thar internets, and I won’t stand for it no more, I won’t! Ol’ Grand-pappy Copyright Law here, and I says you gots to stop pilferin’ me flickies and me audio-maticals or all me friends dun gone be broke and all des-tee-tuted.

I don’t know where you pirates came from, but I don’t like you, not one bit. I don’t hold with this internetty thingy, and I don’t think you kids got no respect no more for what I thinks. Well, dang-nab-it! I’m gunna have me mah say, and you darn kids ain’t gunna do nothin’ about it! You are gunna set your buts down, and listen to what I has ta say, allright?

Allright. Wells I been around fer a long time, an I gone done good by the people who done make stuff. I may be old, but I thinks I’m still sharp. Ya see, th’ problem ain’tn’t that I’m out of touch, but that you done gone be usin’ things what I don’t know how to use, and I think you oughtta stop it. All you kids on your internets and your mobile tele-whatsits and your gosh darn portable music boxes. Well mah friends down at the music and the flickies in-dust-rees done told me that they is all about broke cause you darn kids been not listenin to mah advice.

I asked them about tha billions o’ dollars they still be gettin’ but they tells me that they really is quite broke. Well as I see it, it’s ’bout time I stepped in and made sure you kids done been playin by tha rules here. Why if you be gettin’ things without all the ad-vertis-ments, and bein’ able to watch them wherever you want, then how ever’s all mah friends that owns all the music and tha flickies meant to make them billions? You see, they’s got to control hows you see their stuff so they can gets all the moneys that they can for it. If you kids are gunna keep going ’bout takin’ things and usin’ them how you want just cause you paid for them, y’all will miss all the extra bits which is how all the com-pan-ee friends o’ mine is meant to get more money from y’all.

That ain’tn’t fair now is it? I means, when you sells your truck, you don’t want no stinkin’ varmint which buys is to go all abouts usin’ it to get to church, as well as workin’ on his thar ranch. He’s gots to get hisself a church car for church. And what if he dun gone removed your pic-i-chure from the sun visers just cause he don’t have no more need to remember who he gots his truck from? Well I says he should have to look at your pic-i-chure and any other which what you says he should look at, especially other trucks you’s got for sale.

Weelll, boy-o, that’s what you bin’ done doin’ to mah in-dust-ree friends, over thar. I says it ain’t fair cause they solds it to you, so you gots to use it as they solds it.

You kids better learn you some respect real quick-smart, or I’m gunna whump ya. Now GIT!

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BIG TOPIC SERIES: RACISM

by on Jul.02, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Hello, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, how are you today?, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

It’s another instalment of Daily Jerk’s BIG TOPIC series, this time we’re going to talk about racism.

You know all about racism I’m sure. It’s there in the back of your head. You look at someone who is different than you, and smirk to yourself about how clearly you are superior. Or maybe you don’t, who am I to assume? (wait, who am I kidding. I’m a daily jerk, and of course you do. Good to see our roles are clear here, let’s continue)

Racism. It’s time you revelled in it. Practice it even. You can be a better racist than you are now with some work.

Just think how wonderful it would be if everyone different to you was eliminated. Some narrow minded people might call this genocide, or ethnic cleansing. But you know better than that. It’s just getting rid of the maggoty filth of this world. Am I right?

Get rid of them if their skin is a different colour.
Then get rid of them if their eyes have a different shape.
Then get rid of them if they have noticeably different hair.
Then get rid of them if their nose is a different shape.
Then get rid of them if their eyes are a different colour.
Then get rid of them if they’re shorter than you.
Then get rid of them if they have freckles.
…keep going till there is none left but you.

Oh my, isn’t that a blissful world?

So now it’s time to practice getting your hate on. Remember, everyone is different to you, and so everyone is inferior to you, right?

With that in mind, your exercise for the day is this – next time you’re out in the street, and you see someone who looks like you – find the things that are different, and turn that into a racial slur. Bonus points if it’s new and original.

That’s right boys, girls and MAGGOTS. I want you to go out and start practising racial epitaphs against your own “race”. It’s a game wogs, gringos, palefaces, spics, niggers, crackers, slants, towelheads, whiteys, nazis, honkeys, commie pinko liberals, rednecks, and more can enjoy.  Even a felch monkey like yourself can get in on the act with this, that’s how easy it is.

But you know what? The whole thing is fucked actually. You’re all actually just sacks of carbon and water acting like intelligent hominids anyway, so it’s not like I really expect that you’d know any better. In fact, I’d tear you a new arsehole except you’re spewing shit from both ends already and I’d really rather that you kept it inside if at all possible.

But I bet you can’t even do that right, since you’re just a mindless blood pumping, skeletal supported, dermally covered POOR EXCUSE FOR A FAILED ABORTION!

OK. Fuck it. We’re done here.  You’re not worth it any more. Get off my lawn. Game’s over.

(Fuckin’ biped)

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Improving things, like yourself, for my benefit. Yours too, I guess.

by on Jun.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Hello, how are you today?, STOP IT

I frequently hear the line on TV, in movies, on the internet, and from dickheads at parties, “Self improvement is masturbation, now self destruction…”. I never understood what it meant, and I would look it up on the internet, but I don’t care about the opinions of anyone who would discuss it. Everyone says that self improvement is a good thing, and my internet history will tell you that I sure love masturbation, so I guess we can’t go wrong there. I’m not certain exactly how masturbation is meant to improve your self, but I’m willing to find out through rigorous experimentation. It probably exercises your arm, so I guess that could be considered self improvement; good enough for me, at any rate. I’m still a bit concerned about the second part of the quote, especially as it isn’t complete. For now, let’s just ignore that, and focus on self improvement.

Now while I would sure love to write an entire post about masturbating, almost as much as you would love to read it, it is apparent that there are many other parts of the self that can’t be improved by touching myself. It is at this point that I would like to bring up another quote which gets passed around like marijuana at a party, or Miley Cyrus at a party; “help me, help you.” I particularly like this, as it signifies that we should all work together in order to make everything good for everyone. Once again, this doesn’t mean that everyone should participate in mutual masturbation, or even a dutch rudder arrangement. It means that I need you to help me with my self improvement. In turn, I will happily help you, by singling out areas in which you, yourself, can improve; no smelly hands required. Below are the areas of my self that I feel could use improving, and how I feel that you could help.

Money. Everyone needs money. Money literally makes the world go round. I was told as a child that God makes the world go round, and every time I went to church, everyone was chipping in to pay God; that is the only logical conclusion that I could make. I need money, and feel that personal wealth would be a great boon to my self esteem, and my happiness. So how can you help? By giving me money! I’m not asking for much, here. Every time you think about me, put aside some lose change for me. If you see me in the street, sling me a fiver. The real bonus with this one is that it helps us both learn a valuable lesson. I learn about the kindness of strangers, and you learn that material wealth isn’t as important as true happiness. Trust me, no-one is more truly happy than I am when you give me money. The lesson that you learn is almost important as the lesson that I will learn. I learnt that lesson a long time ago, as did people like Gandhi. It is only after you learn about the true nature of material wealth and happiness that you can finally accept it, and learn how to gain true happiness from material wealth.

Readers. If you are reading this, you no-doubt know the wonders of my writing. You know the insights, the highs, the humor which you can’t get from any other place. Why not share that with other people? I know that I would greatly benefit if I could touch the hearts, minds, and occasionally bodies, of even more people. This is another one which has benefit not just for me, but for many other people as well. Help to improve us all by sharing my words with your friends, colleagues, people you see on the street, other people on the internet. Anyone, really. I’m not fussy.

Spelling. As Professional Hatemonger is always so quick to spell out, I have difficulty spelling out words. Using a built in spell checker does help this somewhat, but occasionally I come across a word which it claims is spelled incorrectly. This is where you can help. If a word achieves much mainstream use, it will eventually have to be entered into dictionaries. Once it’s in dictionaries, then I can be happy that the words which I am using will no longer have squiggly red lines beneath them. Here are some words which are frequently marked as “incorrect”; words that you can help to make a difference on.

  • Cunt – By far one of my favorite words, but my spell checker frequently insists that it is spelled incorrectly.
  • Arse – The correct spelling, according to the Queen’s English. How often the Queen actually says ‘arse’ is anyone’s guess; I would like to think that behind closed doors, it is the majority of her vocabulary.
  • Cabbage – Okay, so this one is spelled correctly, but I merely want to change it to a swear word.
  • Hypodefenestration – The act of trying to throw something out of a window, but not putting enough energy into it so that it falls short or bounces off the glass. It’s pretty embarrassing.
  • Refenestration – The act of throwing something back into a window. Maybe you changed your mind or something.

With a little bit of help, I think that I should be able to write as a I feel, without being harassed by spell checkers.

Now I promised you that I would also point out some areas for you that I feel you could easily improve upon. These are just suggestions, so by all means don’t think that these are the only places in which you need to improve your life.

  • Monetary Wealth – You have too much of it, and it is clouding your judgement. You should give some to me, to show you the true importance of life.
  • Saying half a quote that you don’t quite understand in the hope that it will make you look intelligent – I hear a particular quote quite often from people on the internet, and at parties. It goes something like “Self improvement is masturbation, now self destruction…”, and every time I hear it, I feel like finishing the quote for them. The incomplete quite is rather meaningless, and when people say it, thinking that it has meaning, it just shows that they are faking it. For your own good, please stop doing this.
  • Spelling – Almost every single device on the internet has a spell checker these days. Back when text messages had limited characters, I could understand the need to shorten words. Now that you are back on the internet with a full keyboard, learn how to spell. Please, it’s for your own benefit, really. If u dont takl liek ths thn ppl wil want 2 tlk 2 u 2. It isn’t that hard, and the squiggly red lines aren’t meant to be a scoring system.
  • Entering usernames and passwords into applications which claim to tell you who has blocked you/is looking at your profile/thinks ur sExY lol – Once again, for your own good, and my sanity. Stop it. Every single one is a phishing scam, and even if they aren’t just assume that they are. Are you really that vain that you care who doesn’t want to listen to you talk? Do you want to exact some form of vengeance upon them for not caring about you? It won’t work, because they already don’t like you. Blocking them back won’t do anything.
  • Turning every list of “friends”, “followers”, etc. into a competition – It’s no good having 3000 followers if 1. they aren’t real people, and 2. none of them know or care about your opinion. If you genuinely have 3000 organic followers who are hanging off your every word, and really, really care about what you say, that’s great. If not, then you’re wasting everyone’s time.

That’s all for now. I hope that you take this advice and start working on your self improvement, and I sincerely hope you that you can help me with my own self improvement, too. Especially the money one.

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How to be a skeptic

by on Jun.17, 2010, under Hello, My skepticisim isn't the slightest bit dogmatic - how dare you, Skeptic logic is infallible

I like to think of myself as a skeptic. It’s fun, it’s easy, and you get to feel morally superior to “believers”. There is one simple rule to being a skeptic: “If you haven’t seen it yourself, it doesn’t exist“.

There’s no need to pick you r battles here. If you haven’t seen it yourself, then one simply can’t prove it to be true. No amount of evidence is sufficient to sway you r opinion unless you want it to be swayed, because you can simply use you r powers of skepticism to refute the evidence.

This has especially been helped by the brand new “information age” that we are living in. Now with easy access to video and image editing software, we can say with safety that almost any evidence could be CGI, or Photoshopped. What a boon to the art of skepticism this has been, we will never know, because frankly I haven’t seen those statistics; they’re probably faked, anyway.

So how can we skeptics, atheists, and free thinkers show how much it means to us to be able to use logic to go with a gut feeling? Why of course we get together in groups, and deliberately attempt to goad “believers” into arguments, which we can quickly shut down by claiming a lack of evidence. They may try to tell you that they have faith, that their own gut instinct is that they are correct, but you can easily refute this by informing them that they are simply being dogmatic and refusing to listen to other opinions.

Perhaps you can quote Richard Dawkins at them, and then tell them that they are obviously deluded for following what they read in a book. The possibilities are really endless here, as they have no acceptable way to prove their claims. You can easily tear down everything they believe in, then berate them for being close minded.

Always try to remember that proof is only as good as the person who gathered it, and as no-one else can be trusted to properly gather evidence for you, you simply get to decide that which you do (and don’t) believe in. Smart skeptics can actually believe in unprovable things, merely by refuting everyone’s evidence to the contrary as unreliable. It is common for skeptics to happily denounce such childish ideas as religion, psychics, crop circles, and ghosts; only to tout their belief in aliens, extra sensory powers, invisible pink unicorns, and flying spaghetti monsters.

This is entirely allowable, even encouraged, in modern skepticism. If you have no beliefs, you are a nihilist, and everyone knows that they are crazy. Beliefs that cannot be proven are all plausible to you, as you live in an infinite universe, where it’s possible that such a thing may exist. At this point it should be remembered that you r personal belief is entirely unquestionable, as you are a skeptic; you have obviously thought this over, and come to you r answer with reason.

I love being a skeptic, and you should to; everyone who doesn’t believe the same as me must be taught the correct way to think. Believe as I do, and free yourself from dogma forever.

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WITH A NICK OF TIME – BITCHES!

by on Jun.15, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Hello, how are you today?

I dub this “late-post Tuesday”. I didn’t get around to it until now, and it’s almost done with Tuesday ENTIRELY. As I’m running against time, I figure that I have two options:

  1. Try to write the best post that i can in a short amount of time.
  2. Swear heaps, call you all CUNTS, and then forget that it even happened.
  3. Jokes.

Fuck you, cunts. You should watch “Important things with Demetri Martin”. It’s funny, and he uses the two stupid options and “Jokes” line a lot. AND I FUCKING STOLE IT LIKE THE CUNT THAT I AM. HAH!

So I’ve obviously decided to go for option 2. FUCK SHIT CUNTY ARSE LIMPETS! YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF CUNTS!

OK, that’s what you get instead of quality. Arse limpets. I HOPE YOU CUNTS ARE FUCKING HAPPY NOW.

FUCK YOU.

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Blogz From My Human – Dog Edition

by on Jun.04, 2010, under Blogz form mi hooman, Hello, how are you today?

Oooooh KAY! SO I GOT UP WHEW WHEW WHEW but I was all like TIIIEEERRRD so I wasn’t all like doing stuff yep yep! So I get all nasty wet wet, which TOTALLY RUINED my smelliwell, but that’s OK cause I’ll get it back (I ALWAYS DO) Lucky my faithful woof woof dog WOO loves me anyway so I can get my smelliwell back from her.

so I made some food and it was gooood food but I didn’t give any to my dog dog dog but that’s OK it really is because she’s OK with that even thought she was ever so cute at looking at my food. THEN I’M OFF! and I go awaY!

When i came back i was all smelly up a bit more like i should be, and my doggy dog dog leapt into my arms to share her glorious smell with me. Mmmmm smell DELISH! I made some dinner, and I couldn’t resist my doggy oh so cute look so I threw her some, Mmmmm!

I watched some glowy box and patted my dog and watched and pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat patted my doggy dog dog. AND THEN DOGGY FEEDING TIME she loves me so but feeding time comes first!

And then i went to sleep.

BEST DAY EVER!

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