The Daily Jerk

Hello

I’M FUCKING WATCHING YOU

by on May.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Hello, how are you today?, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

THAT’S RIGHT, CUNTS. I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. I HAVE EYES ON THE PRIZE. I KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE COMING HERE… I AM BIG FUCKING BROTHER.

Allow me to show you… “The stats”

So what does this show? Not much really, only that everyone fucking LOVES Justin Bieber. I still don’t get it. I’m at a massive fucking loss. So will someone please tell me what is SO FUCKING AMAZING about this little twerp? What is SO CUNTING SPECIAL that this shitburg can inspire FUCKING RIOTS at the age of 16?

Perhaps an even MORE important question is this: WILL MENTIONING JUSTIN BIEBER AGAIN NET ME HUNDREDS MORE PAGE VIEWS? I’M DOING THIS FOR SCIENCE, YOU CUNTS! I’M STUDYING A MYSTERIOUS PHENOMENON THAT I CALL THE “MINDLESS TEENAGE CUNT EFFECT”

AND I WOULD LOVE TO WELCOME YOU INEVITABLE BITCHES WHO COME HERE HOPING FOR SOME TASTY EXCLUSIVE ON YOUR BRAND NEW HEARTTHROB. I HEAR THAT HE LIKES STUFF! AND I HEARD THAT IN ABOUT 2 YEARS HE WILL BE CRACKED OUT OF HIS FUCKING BRAIN, AND SHOOTING UP HEROIN WITH LINDSEY LOHAN. AS IN USING HER AS A NEEDLE. AND THE SUPPLY.

HE WILL BE SO COKED OUT THAT JUNKIES COULD CHEW ON HIM FOR SUSTENANCE. HE WILL CONSTANTLY BE GOING INTO REHAB, SO OTHER JUNKIES CAN GET ANOTHER HIT. Probably.

That, of he’ll get caught in some kind of photo scandal exposing his breasts on a webcam to strangers. Oh, wait, that’s Miley.

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Fighting the trolls, spammers, and cunterblasts of the Internet. (Or: how I learned to stop worrying, and love swearing)

by on May.27, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, Hello, SHUT UP

SO. Everyone is all up in arms about fighting Internet trolls, spammers, and the like. They discuss techniques like “ratings systems” and governments make goo-goo eyes at concepts like uniquely identifying citizens on the Internet.

I am here to tell you how FUCKING STUPID AND WRONG those concepts are. Have you ever heard of the saying (AND I FUCKING KNOW THAT YOU HAVE, YOU CUNTS) “Fight fire with fire”? Well aside from making FUCKING HEAPS OF FIRE, (which, incidentally looks fucking AMAZING), EVERYONE GETS BURNED. Do you know what happens after a massive disaster? LOTS OF PEOPLE DIE, AND THEN PEOPLE FUCKING COME BACK. Which people? THE PEOPLE WHO WERE FUCKING THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THEY PICKED IT FOR A REASON.

So this is why I suggest, no… recommend, wait… INSIST that the BEST way to fight trolls is to FUCKING DO IT BACK, AND MAKE EVERYTHING A SHIT-STORM UNTIL THE IT ALL BLOWS THE FUCK UP AND EVERYONE DIES. THAT IS WHEN THE PEOPLE WHO WERE THERE FIRST WILL FUCKING COME BACK TO THE CHARRED GROUND AND TRY TO PIECE SOME FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER.

THIS is the reason why I think you are all FUCKING RETARDED CUNTS. Is it because I’m an angry person? No, it’s because you are ALL FUCKING IDIOTS, SO I’M SETTING THE BAR VERY FUCKING HIGH. IF YOU WANT TO TROLL THIS FUCKING BLOG, YOU HAVE TO BE A BIGGER FUCKING CUNT THAN I AM, AND I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE THAT FUCKING EASY FOR YOU.

IS ANY OF THIS GETTING THROUGH YOUR THICK FUCKING SKULL? IS IT PENETRATING THROUGH THE LAYERS OF SEMEN, FAECES, GERBILS, CRAYONS, AND SMALL MOROCCAN BOYS THAT YOU HAVE CRAMMED INTO YOUR FUCKING FACE THROUGHOUT YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING SAD EXCUSE FOR A LIFE?

Some of you are wondering why I have to be so crude? WELL IF YOU DON’T FUCKING LIKE IT, THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU READING THIS, YOU DEMENTED, MAGGOTY, THATCHERIST CUNTS? I’M FUCKING DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING GOOD, YOU IMPOTENT SHIT-HEELS. I AM SINGLE-HANDEDLY KEEPING THE FUCKING BADDIES AWAY BY ABUSING YOU MYSELF WHILE YOU RETARDO-CUNTS SIT THERE WITH YOUR SHIT-EATING GRINS, WONDERING WHY I’M BEING SO FUCKING MEAN.

I BET YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING APPRECIATE IT, EITHER!

FUUUUUUUUCK.

YOOOOOOOOOU.

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Alliterating aardvarks are ARSEHOLES

by on May.21, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Hello, how are you today?, How did this become 'The Birds' slash-fiction?

BITCHES bait baby bats

Curmudgeonly CUNTS can’t cook CABBAGE

Damaged dicks don’t disseminate descendants

Eagles eat enraged elephantiasis

FUCK feeding falcons fat feet

Game gluttonously gnawing gigantic growths

Horrible hobbling hors-d’œuvres

Ibis ingesting intestines indiscriminately

Jays judging, joking.

Kingfishers killing kids

Lovebirds languorously lolling like lounging lions

Macaws might make meaty meals

No nightingales nomming nectar

Only opossums ogling old offal

Pigeons pitilessly plucking pink parts

Quails queue quizzically

Rare rosellas rending raw red rips

Sengal sentries silently seeking survivors

“Total tragedy” taunt toucans, tearing tenderloins

Unenlightened uncles urged useless, unlikely unity

Vindictive vosmaeri vaguely venture veiled violations

We won’t weather wider wallops

Xenografted xerophiles…

Yellow yahoos…

Zoophiles… zero.

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Alienation 101

by on May.18, 2010, under Hello, how are you today?

I’ll be honest with you. I was a bit of a drama nerd in school. I particularly liked both the absurdist movement and Brechtian plays. What I particularly liked about them was their ability to alienate the audience, and put everyone off. I usually try to do something similar to this in most places where I write. It’s pretty much a total jerk move to alienate your audience, especially deliberately, so it is something that would suit this blog quite well.

There are three problems with doing this. The first problem is, to alienate an audience, you must first have an audience to alienate. I think my readership stands at approximately 2, both of which I usually prompt to look.

The second problem is that this is a blog where every single post contains swearing, abuse, and general outrage at the Internet and world in general. This means that there is very little that I could say which would offend my non-existent audience. This makes the job of alienating people more difficult, because the easiest way to alienate people is to offend them.

There is a third problem, too. From this paragraph onwards, the text that I’m writing will actually just be filler text to make it seem that I wrote a longer article than I actually did. Nam at purus ligula, id condimentum nulla. Duis vestibulum arcu lacinia lorem blandit vel bibendum purus egestas. Cras pulvinar pharetra elementum. Nam nibh sapien, pulvinar sit amet imperdiet a, sollicitudin et justo. Sed aliquet feugiat massa in venenatis. Etiam auctor nibh sit amet lorem consequat non congue turpis aliquet. Proin sed diam sapien, sit amet imperdiet enim. Integer viverra est ut erat pulvinar sit amet suscipit metus bibendum. Phasellus justo ante, mattis quis tempor sit amet, venenatis ut sapien. Vivamus enim massa, vehicula sit amet adipiscing sit amet, tincidunt ut libero. Mauris suscipit nibh accumsan eros dignissim ut aliquet sem rutrum. Vestibulum mattis interdum purus, eu vehicula turpis feugiat id. Praesent tristique pretium tortor accumsan ultricies.

Nunc non neque luctus urna pulvinar gravida. Cras nisi elit, pharetra eget gravida a, suscipit nec magna. Sed id ante sem, eu blandit odio. Quisque ut pellentesque sapien. Morbi mollis erat pellentesque enim congue auctor placerat turpis varius. Donec facilisis bibendum pharetra. At this point, you will be skimming through this, and will miss this sentence. Aenean aliquam adipiscing ullamcorper. Mauris sollicitudin nisi nec neque ullamcorper volutpat. Maecenas malesuada venenatis massa, in posuere urna faucibus sed. Pellentesque non dapibus justo. Mauris pellentesque nisi ac ligula lobortis consectetur. In porta tempus purus, at dignissim massa tincidunt vel. Aenean ut ante a ligula faucibus auctor. Suspendisse elementum venenatis ante eget lobortis.

Integer eu ligula ut mi tempus faucibus. Morbi id ante arcu. Donec tempus malesuada egestas. ‘In molestie’ looks like ‘in molesters’ dui in urna molestie ac adipiscing velit vestibulum. Praesent elementum, odio at tincidunt ultricies, urna tellus pretium mauris, at posuere risus purus id massa. Quisque sed tellus purus, eu volutpat eros. Morbi sit amet odio a libero sodales molestie mattis vel odio. Nam nec elit non magna pulvinar faucibus. The previous sentence is actually Spanish for I will pulverise your faucet. Nunc blandit diam tellus, quis cursus magna. Mauris faucibus sapien in urna posuere egestas. Sed a libero a metus pharetra ornare. Phasellus sounds like a rather provocative name porta pulvinar lectus, id gravida mauris dapibus et. Aenean interdum nulla rhoncus urna ullamcorper non congue justo aliquam. Nam viverra consectetur felis ut lacinia. Integer scelerisque leo sit amet erat consequat placerat. Cras elementum volutpat cursus. Etiam a tortor velit. Ut ut nibh orci. Duis ante elit, aliquam sit amet suscipit eget, ullamcorper luctus nisi.

Ut eleifend pretium sollicitudin. Donec luctus turpis congue neque adipiscing in dapibus risus sodales. Nam non erat lacus. Curabitur sagittis dolor sit amet justo malesuada faucibus. Maecenas in pretium neque. Phasellus sodales laoreet nisl, quis pretium lectus accumsan tempus. That Phasellus threw quite the temper tantrum. Nullam in erat augue. Ut justo risus, scelerisque non ultricies ornare, tempor sed quam. Cras mattis auctor laoreet. Pellentesque ultrices erat id tellus lobortis eget interdum massa porta. Nam sit amet diam lacinia mi pretium volutpat quis a urna. Nulla tincidunt facilisis posuere. Nulla nec dolor libero. Aenean non velit massa. Vestibulum blandit pulvinar tincidunt. I talked about drama, and didn’t swear once. Didn’t see that coming, did you? Mauris sem tortor, bibendum ac auctor sit amet, tempus eget nisi. Pellentesque enim ante, lobortis sit amet convallis vel, molestie condimentum tortor.

And there we have it, you are a little weirded out, and probably alienated. Until next time, try to find the actual sentences that I left in the lipsum.

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