The Daily Jerk

Heroes

Live every day like it’s your last

by on Jul.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, how are you today?, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, The one who calls wolf quite often

That’s the advice you’ll get from me! Live EVERY DAY like it’s your last day alive! Don’t hold back, just do it! You might die today, and have all these things left undone. It will torment you forever!

So it is all well and good to talk about living every day like it’s your last, but what does it really mean? Well that depends on how you want to be remembered. Do you want everyone to remember you fondly, and gather around occasionally to share the good memories? Well in that case, you need to die from a horrible terminal disease. Current popular ways to die are AIDS, cancer, or pretty much anything which is gradual, painful death. This gives people a chance to gather around you, while making it difficult for you to ruin the happy image that you want people to remember by being, well, you.

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t have the AIDS! How am I meant to pull this off?”

Well the answer is simple. Stay in bed all day, refuse to eat, and take heavy pain killers. You will develop a sickly pallor, be very vague, and lose muscle mass. Tell everyone that you don’t want to cause a fuss to anyone, least of all the medical system. The longer you are in this state, the more people will talk about how strong you are, fighting off the horrible disease. Of course, if you stick around too long, people will start to wonder. They will try to bring in nurses and doctors; after a while you won’t be able to turn them down, as you won’t have much of an idea what is going on any more. If this eventually happens, it is probably best to wander off while no-one is looking, and try to start a new life somewhere else. You could also try the miraculous recovery route, which lets you move into all sorts of fields like motivational speaking.

What if you don’t really care how people remember you? Well do I have the plan for you! You see, there is a little thing in this world called inhibition. It’s what stops you from doing what you want when you want. It’s what keeps you afraid that tomorrow will be another day, and that you will have to live through it. Happily, when you are living your final day, this inhibition is pretty useless, meaning that you can do whatever you want. So when you are living like it’s the last day you’ll be alive, all you have to do is drop all inhibitions. At a bakery? Think that eating four meat pies, three doughnuts, and a half-dozen caramel slices might not be a good idea? Well just go for it! You won’t be alive tomorrow to regret it!

Don’t have the money to pay for all of it? Who cares! Punch the baker in the face, and take keep eating. There’s no need to run away, or rob them, because you won’t be alive tomorrow. Just keep doing whatever you want. It doesn’t matter! After this, you should go to the pub. Have a few drinks, and pay for nothing. You’ll probably be dead tomorrow, so you are just trying to make the most of the limited time you have left. Who cares it it is 10AM? If it’s later, then you are already wasting your precious time.

Once you are drunk, that should help you to drop the last few inhibitions that you may be holding on to. Track down any girls (or boys) that you ever had a thing for. This is the last day you will have a chance, so you better not waste it! Remember to shout “Surprise!” when they see you, and if you still have clothes on at this point, then that’s more time wasted.

Call everyone who cares about you, and tell them exactly how you feel. It doesn’t matter if you make them cry, because they are fat and deserve to know it, besides they’ll be the only ones around to feel like jerks tomorrow; this is the last day that you are alive! Call the step father who touched you at night; tell him that you had herpes then, and he has it now. Call your mother and tell her that she ruined your life for not getting you that ultra-deluxe BMX when you were seven. Today is all about you, because this is the absolute last day you’ll get to live!

That is what it means to live every day like it’s your last. Of course, you will wake up the next day, but you just have to keep doing the same thing. You probably won’t be alive for much longer anyway.

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“No body likes you, everybody hates you, so shut the cunt up and get back in the hole” – excerpts from my best selling kids books

by on Jul.21, 2010, under Heroes, kids books, Sparkly fuckstains, Stories for children, Why can't I find a publisher?

“Who the fuck let you out?” screamed Miffy the bunny. “Whoever it was will have their face raped off by my daggercock hound, and he just got a sharpening.”

Miffy eyed the other Fluffy Friends suspiciously for a while, looking for the slightest flinch of betrayal, before turning back to her prisoner.

“You should know that there will be severe consequences for attempting to escape. You should know by now that you will never get out until I get what I want.”

Suddenly Miffy lashed out with her powerful back feet and tore a large gash in Snow White’s face.

“I don’t know who let you escape, but they’ll fucking regret it too, bitch. Now get back in the fucking hole before I tear out you r throat.”

With a final kick right in the ovaries, Snow White was pushed back into the hole.

—————————————

It had been three days since the orgy, and Peter Possum still couldn’t see straight.

“I shouldn’t have licked my semen back out of Helen Herpes’ cunt,” he thought to himself. “These scabs are really starting to affect my vision.”

—————————————

“Some things cannot be unseen,” sobbed little Timmy Parker, slowly raising the gun to his temple.

—————————————

“Man this heroin is top notch! We should have bought from Pastor Steve earlier!”

“Hugh blugh blugh,” murmured John.

“Oh man, are you wasted already? I guess that this is what I get for shooting up with fucking amateurs. If you OD, I’m not fucking taking you to the hospital, you cunt.”

—————————————

No-one answered the door. Billy didn’t really expect that anyone would any more. After the bomb went off, there were less and less living people around.

Those who survived the initial blast had been slowly dying from radiation poisoning. Survivors were rare, but he still knocked on doors just in case.

He jimmied the door open, thinking to himself “If they’re dead, then I need their stuff more than they do; if they’re not, then they will be soon enough.”

Billy remembered his father. He would probably never forget him; no-one ever forgot their first kill.

“The cunt had it coming, though. He never bought me the action man deluxe set.”

If he told himself that enough times he could almost bring himself to believe it. This was a fuck of a world to be a nine year old in.

—————————————

Edward sat around moping. Why did he even like her? She wasn’t that pretty, but there was just something about her that he couldn’t get over.

Maybe it was the neck brace, or maybe it was her down syndrome, or maybe it was just the fact that even if she could say “no”, she wouldn’t understand what was going on.

Whatever it was, Edward was fascinated with her, and tonight he intended to make her his.

He felt the sack cloth. Soft, yet strong. It shouldn’t catch on her brace, and should block out the light pretty well.

“I still have things to prepare, I should stop dawdling,” he thought to himself. He picked up the next knife and went back to the grinding stone.

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Voting with your heart

by on Jul.19, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, Pirates, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH

Over the weekend, most people here in Australia would have been made aware of an impending election. This shouldn’t really come as a surprise  to them though, as it is something that happens every 3 years or so. In a previous post, I covered the major political parties, and why you shouldn’t vote for any of them. Seeing as adding your own candidate, or marking a “None of the above” choice isn’t allowed in this country, I felt that it was time to explore which candidates you SHOULD consider voting for in this crap-shoot of awful politicians. There are only three major players worth noting. I’m not telling you which one to vote for, because I think that they’re all a useless bunch of cunts, but hopefully I can help one of them to capture your heart.

Julia GillardJulia Gillard - Taking heart theft seriously

If you believe the hype, Julia Gillard is the candidate who is meant to steal your heart. I, of course, plan to take this literally. and am rather scared of her. She is currently leading the country after killing deposing Kevin Rudd. She is female, which means that feminists everywhere make a huge deal about her. For some reason being the first female prime minister is a bigger deal than being the elected prime minister, but if she’s successful in the next few months, then I guess she’ll be both. This attitude is also kind of degrading to all of the other women in politics because it’s just telling them that being a woman in power is more important than being a good politician or doing a good job. The logic here has always escaped me, but that is probably a rant for another time.

The other inescapable thing about Julia Gillard is how much her nose looks like a shark. I’m not saying this to be mean, not that she would ever read this blog; it’s just a casual observance, like how everyone ever realises that Sarah Jessica Parker looks a whole heap like a horse, and has never actually been hot. If anything, looking like a shark could work to her advantage, as people are afraid and respectful of sharks. In terms of political action, she’s doing her absolute best to reverse all the policies that made Kevin Rudd unpopular, in the hope that it will make people like her. The fear angle would probably work better. Anyway, you should vote for her if:

  • The idea of an elected female is more important to you than a good leader.
  • You vote labor every time anyway because that’s what your parents did.
  • You are scared of sharks, and think that keeping them happy is the best way of keeping them away.
  • You are an executive of a mining company.
  • You really enjoyed the movie Jaws.

Tony Abbot

Tony Abbot is leading the opposition. Leader is perhaps a bit of a strong term, as it implies that he has a plan, solid opinions, and anyone would actually want to follow him. This isn’t to say that he’s without principals. He has plenty of principals, but none of them are particularly useful for running a country, at least not one in the 21st century. He loves to tell everyone about how he is manly, and how he knows best for women, children, and pretty much everyone. In terms of self righteousness, he can mix it with the best of them, which is pretty standard in most politicians. The difference with Abbot is that while most politicians at least pretend to craft their opinions to match popular opinion, he just spouts whatever idea pops into his head, no matter if it is popular or not. He mixes the smugness of Kevin Rudd with the “never say sorry” attitude of John Howard, then wraps it up with some exotic birds in tight underwear. You should vote for Tony Abbot if:

  • You know best, no matter what anyone else says.
  • You think that speedos should be part of the national dress.
  • You always vote Liberal, just because.
  • You believe that everyone else should hold your morals, no matter what.

Bob Brown

Bob Brown leads the Greens. This is a party which doesn’t field enough candidates to ever hold power. They are, however, the largest of the minor parties, and usually hold enough seats so that they can carry or block any contentious piece of proposed legislation. As such, while they have no power to introduce any of their own policies, the two major parties usually have to play nice by the Greens in order to get things done. Because they will never be the leading party, they can happily offer policies which are popular in theory, but would piss off a lot of people if they were ever made law. It’s probably not necessarily a bad thing if those people get pissed off, but it doesn’t make for a sustainable country. Vote for Bob Brown if:

  • You eventually decided to stop supporting the major parties directly.
  • You want your vote to count a little bit more than if you voted for the Sex Party.
  • You love all that hippy crap.
  • You love to feel good about yourself, but are afraid of any real change.

I hope that this helps you decide better how to waste cast your vote. All the candidates are pretty bad, so it’s pretty much like picking turds out of a barrel. No matter which one you ultimately pick you’re still holding a handful of crap, and that can’t be sanitary.

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My Torment: hearing computer jargon get butchered on films and television.

by on Jul.13, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It bugs me, OK? If you have a main character who is meant to be a computer wiz, then it stands to reason that they should seem like they know something about computers. Happily, script writers have realised that, and fill characters’ speech with junk jargon, stringing together buzz-words, and the occasional terms which have hit main-stream popularity. Sadly, they never check with any actual nerds to find out if what is being said makes even THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF FUCKING SENSE.

Once, people thought it gave credibility to a character if they mention google. Now it’s myspace, facebook, or youtube. Whatever is popular. If they’re a hard-core hacker, then they’ll “know unix”, or will “de-fragment the mainframe to reverse the IP polarity, and use that to back-door through the firewall so they can crack the encryption on the database password, thus letting us ftp into the suspect’s computer remotely and read their files.”

It makes no fucking sense. FUCKING NONE. YET SOME STUPID CUNT RECOGNISES “DE-FRAGMENT”, “FIREWALL”, AND “ENCRYPTION”, AS COMPUTERY WORDS, SO IT’S ALL FUCKING OK THEN, ISN’T IT?

It doesn’t stop there, either. Almost every TV show or movie in history that has a “computer wiz” has shown a process of “ENHANCE THE PHOTO”, like it’s something that can be fucking done in seconds on ANY OLD FUCKING COMPUTER, WITH ONLY A FEW FUCKING TYPED COMMANDS. PROCESSING POWER, INTERFACE, AND PHYSICAL CAPABILITY BE DAMNED. PLOT IS MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT. ONE OF THESE DAYS I’LL BUILD A PROGRAM WHICH “ENHANCES” PHOTOS BY RECREATING THEM AS FUCKING GOATSE. SEE HOW YOU CUNTS FUCKING LIKE IT THEN.

Computers aren’t the only victim to useless cunts who think that faking it badly can get you through. The other big one is music. Violins and guitar in particular. The concept should be pretty simple. Move fingers or hands when notes change, and if you pluck a string with your finger in different places, you should be able to tell the difference between high and low notes. EVERY TIME I SEE SOMEONE BADLY FAKING A GUITAR SOLO BY MOVING THEIR HAND AROUND LIKE A RETARDED, COKED OUT MONKEY, I AM A LITTLE HAPPIER BECAUSE AT LEAST THEY’VE REALISED THAT “FAST BIT MEANS HAND MOVES”. THE CUNTS WHO ARE STILL PRETENDING TO PLAY CHORDS THAT DON’T EXIST CAN FUCK OFF THOUGH. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU TAKE ONE FUCKING LESSON, AND AT LEAST UNDERSTAND THE BASICS OF THE INSTRUMENT? IF YOU ARE A MAIN CHARACTER, AND PLAYING GUITAR OR VIOLIN IS A BIG PART OF YOUR SCHTICK, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LEARN HOW TO FUCKING HOLD THE THING PROPERLY? EVERY TIME YOU DON’T YOU ARE JUST MAKING EVERY MUSICIAN WATCHING HATE YOU JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.

Some movies get it right. They make the actors ACTUALLY LEARN HOW TO PLAY, EVEN IF HORRIBLY. That’s all I ask. You are getting paid fuck loads of money, so just pretend like you care about what you’re doing on screen more than you care about which small Moroccan boy you’ll snort your next line off the butt crack of.

I know that some people think that it isn’t worth much to make these small things right, but just imagine if they let everything go as badly as they let these two areas. Imagine if in “Julie and Julia” the main character (one of them) threw a live chicken into a deep fryer, and called it lightly poached. No-one would buy it, but that’s exactly what is happening every time a movie hacker “re-routes the USB signal to the Wifi multiplexer, before getting tracked by a TRACER TEE!”

Just because you vapid cunts don’t understand what you’re saying doesn’t mean that it makes technical sense. Fuck off and die.

Or I’ll hack all your IPs into the modem and re-boot the registry engine device. Remotely.

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The Patriot Act (Acting like you’re patriotic, when you’re really a cunt)

by on Jul.12, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It is said that there is a fine line between patriotism and being a cunt. I think that is bullshit, because it’s perfectly easy to like, love, and support your country without being an ignorant pile of anal leakage. In fact, I find that feeling patriotic is quite far removed from feeling like plastering your car with bumper stickers shouting the slogans “Australia: Love it or leave it”, or the ever witty “Fuck off, we’re full”.

There is a difference there. There are a few differences, actually, but the main one is that if you have the bumper stickers mentioned above, you are most likely a FUCKING USELESS BOGAN CUNT. The most hilarious part of this is that the proud bearers of the “Fuck off, we’re full” slogan, often have NO CONTROL OVER HOW MANY SHIT STAINED CUNT-BEASTS THOSE USELESS MAGGOTY FUCKS SPIT OUT. Apparently, despite our vast brown lands, we have absolutely no-where to fit even our measly sum of just over 20 million people. Any more useful members to society will just have to fuck off again, so that there’s enough room for us to spit out hundreds of under-educated, spin swallowing, watchers of A Current Affair. If we don’t stem the flow of trained migrants, there may not be enough jobs left to say we applied for on the Centrelink forms.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the JOBS that are the problem. No-one wants to DO the jobs. Getting some dirty migrant to actually WORK these jobs is largely a good call. The problem is that if the jobs get FILLED, then what are we going to apply for each fortnight? Jobs that we might actually be suited to? That would mean that we might GET the jobs, which would mean that we can’t be on Centrelink any more.

It’s this kind of rampant stupidity which I detest. I don’t HATE our country at all. I really genuinely love it, and know that I have a much better way of life than the vast majority of the rest of the world. I hate some (not all) of the inhabitants of this country, and that’s not the slightest bit unpatriotic. It’s just hating STUPID FUCKING CUNTS WHO KEEP SCREWING IT UP FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

It’s easy to see the difference between true patriotism, and vaguely disguised racist hate-talk. For example, there is a brilliant piece of Australian literature which goes something like this:

I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel sea,
Her beauty and her terror –
The wide brown land for me.

This is patriotic. Notice how it talks about the beauty of the country. It acknowledges that it can be scary, but the author loves the country anyway. Then we get to pieces like this:

Fucking bogan scum

Or this:

Somehow, people seem to think that the only way to tell the world how truly special your country is is to beat the fuck out of everyone who isn’t from it, and tell them to get out. This, obviously, makes them want to be part of your country even more. They never will be, though, because you and your mates will stick around to make sure that they’ll get the living fuck beaten out of them if they show their face again. After all, that’s the true Australian way.

You fucking cunts.

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The one who calls wolf quite often.

by on Jul.06, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH

Today I would like to share with you a story. A story of love, and of loss; of house mates, and sex shops. I would like to share with you the story of “Cam”. I could change his name to protect the innocent, but let’s face it, those who know me already know of him, and those who don’t won’t be able to find him through what I tell you.

His name was “Cam”, which you can probably assume was short for “Cameron”. I won’t tell you his last name, because frankly I’ve forgotten it. I wouldn’t be able to track him down if I wanted to, and I really don’t want to.

So if this person is so particularly distasteful to me, why am I bringing him up? Why now, after I haven’t lived with nor seen him for nearly five years now? Because of this:

No, I didn’t just receive this. It’s an old letter. Someone pointed me to it again, and I had no other plans for today’s post. That’s why you’re getting this today.

The back story is this: I had accidentally paid my week’s rent into his bank account, realised my mistake, and had attempted to contact him to nicely ask if he could rectify the mistake. He returned the money, but also added this beautifully worded letter. I know that many of you here would be thinking “Nicely? You? I seriously doubt that”, but I really just wanted my rent money back, so I wasn’t about to be a dick about it.

The content of the letter isn’t that important. There are just a couple of sticking points, though, that always make me smirk. First up, he reprimands me for acting foolishly. I must admit, I should probably have been more careful when checking that I had, in fact, selected the correct account to transfer money to. It’s a mistake that I had not made before, and have never made since. He sounds almost hurt at this point. A minor inconvenience for him was perhaps a biting blow to his ego.

Next is some rather unimportant stuff about the finer workings of netbank, including one of my all time favourite words “erroneous”. Nothing here of interest, really other than his claim that it will now be physically impossible for him ever to transfer money to me. There is also talk of how busy he is, which I won’t delve in to here.

Finally we arrive at the most baffling part of the letter. This is the part which really inspired the entire post.

“The one who calls wolf quite often”

Long have I wondered what this means. Is he accusing me of being a liar? Is he saying that he lies, frequently? Is this some kind of trying-to-be-deep sign off? Am I actually an idiot for missing some hilarious contemporary reference?

This line has always confused me. It has no context, no exact or deliberate meaning. This is the type of shit that makes me want to punch people in the throats, but also hug and comfort the poor, confused people. IT MAKES NO SENSE. It SEEMS to be referencing the old folk tale of “the boy who cried wolf”, but I can’t figure out why. He had stooged me for bill money before (part of the reason why he was no longer my flat mate), so perhaps he thought that bills were frivolous fancies of mine, and that he would indulge me for the moment, but when a REAL expense came up, my pleas may fall on deaf ears.

It could be a reference to a TV show, or a song, added as a regular sign off or signature. I tried my good friend Google, but to no avail. It exists no-where in the world outside of this letter.

Then some days, like now, I think perhaps that this was his final stab. His final kick into my hypothetical teeth of logic. Something designed to worry, no, TORTURE me until my dying breath. A statement so devoid of reason that it makes “Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?” seem like a sane thing to say.

If this is the case, Cameron, then I must say this to you, sir. Well played.

You fucking cunt.

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Ode to wedders

by on Jun.25, 2010, under FABULOUS PRIZES!, Heroes, how are you today?, I'm a poet now too

Ode.

I am feeling rather old,
As I reach that time of life.
Where my friends stop having children,
Settle down, and find a wife.

You see the breeding stage comes early,
When yo u’re in a country town,
As there’s nothing else to do,
When the waterhole is brown.

No movies and no shopping,
Lest you count the general store.
Which has a brilliant range of jerky
But closes after four.

Se everyone just breeds;
Little children everywhere.
Except the bastards who escape,
To Greece, or France, or Ayr.

But when you get to my age;
Tender young, though it may be;
Everyone wants commitment,
A house, and Holden HSV.

I may have left the town
At the age of seventeen,
But the friends I left behind
Couldn’t stop; they started breeding.

I don’t think any less of them,
They’re brilliant, every one.
But babies and then marriage.
Is the way they have their fun.

Ode.

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Combating spills

by on Jun.25, 2010, under evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, Heroes, Spill

The last couple of months have been rather intense, but now that the media storm has settled down, we can finally relax a little and truly analyse how effective the current methods of combating spills are. There are three main methods that are talked about. They are the cap, the junk-shot, and finally the top-fill. Now we can analyse each of these procedures individually, figure out which was the best option, and discuss where they went wrong.

The first method of combating the spill was the cap. This was considered to be a temporary measure by all, and there was a lot of argument about if it would do anything at all. It was considered to be a quick and easy measure which would be the easiest to implement while preventing any further damage to the environment. The problem was that while the cap may prevent further environmental damage, but wouldn’t address the root cause of the problem. Many people claimed that this was simply offsetting the problem, hoping that it would go away on it’s own, and doing the bare minimum to pay lip service to promises made. There was a great amount of opposition, both from the people who felt that the solution didn’t go far enough, and from people who claimed that there wasn’t any problem. Eventually it came to light that the cap and trade policy was instrumental in causing the spill in the first place.

The next method tried was the junk policy shot, where the government tried to force as many useless policies through as possible in order to keep everyone happy. This resulted in many policies which catered to select groups, but were largely unpopular with the general public. Policies like the Internet filter, mining tax, and the failed education revolution all served to further destabilise the area. While many commentators felt that this was a solid method of stemming the spill by maintaining popularity with the most vocal groups, it was the overall lack of strength an ability in all of these policies; indeed the very thing which made them junk; which caused further stability issues, and actually worsened the effects of the spill.

The last tactic tried was the top-position fill. This works by injecting more politicians into the top positions, in order to prevent further spills. This is currently under trial, and it may be weeks, or even months before we see if this strategy helps. The top-fill is a strategy that has been employed several times by the opposition, which has suffered from numerous spills over the last couple of years. In the opposition, the negative affects of applying this strategy hastily, and without planning are self evident, as each new top has been progressively weaker, and more erratic. Hopefully the current government has learned the lessons from mistakes made during their own top-fill experiments through the Beazley – Crean – Latham – Beazley years.

Labor had a marginally successful attempt at this strategy when they switched to using Queensland Rudd, which was considered to be a stronger, more flexible material. Sadly, it was likely this flexibility, coupled with Rudd’s occasionally harsh nature, which caused a further spill. Labour is gambling on the new Gillard method, in the hope that the foreign import will have the strength to hold everything together.

Everyone is watching with bated breath, wondering if this latest effort will provide stability, and reverse some of the damage caused by the cap and the junk-shot. Only time, and media commentators, will tell. In the mean time, we all hope that a potential party will come up with another catchy slogan for the impending election. Something like “Two thousand an Ben“.

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BP – INTERNATIONAL HEROES

by on Jun.09, 2010, under evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, Fish are ANGRY at the world, Heroes

Don’t believe the lies. BP are international heroes, and this is why. They have given the world hundreds of tonnes of free oil that otherwise would be stuck inside the ocean floor, thus rendering it useless to everyone. The fascists in the white house try to confuse people by referring to the oil as crude. They call it an “environmental disaster”. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The “Government” is angry at BP because the leak is giving the world, for free, things which they can’t tax. It all has to do with taxation. This is the same reason why a plant developed through science to have all these helpful things (such as tar, stimulants, and several types of pesticides) is not only legal, but encouraged, and taxed like hell, while a naturally growing plant like marijuana is simply illegal. The libro-fascists want their dirty hands on you r hard earned money. You know that it’s good for you when the government are trying to tax it out of you. It shows you that they know what you need, and don’t want you to have it. They’re attempting to spin this giant gesture of good will from BP into some catastrophic disaster because it lets the people have what we need, without giving them a single red cent.

They tell you that it is harming animals. I say that it’s making animals better. Pre-oil? Seagulls were bright white, and easily visible in the dead of night, when they traditionally hunt. Now they are jet black, and lubricated to boot. They have become the crows of the sea. Intelligent, sleek, silent, and invisible against the murky darkness of oil. Did you know that you r body produces oil? It stops you r skin form going all wrinkly and gross when it’s soaking in water. What about the animals that live in water? When do those poor creatures get a break? They have to run their oil-factories 24/7 just to break even. Now, thanks to BP, they are literally swimming in oil, all of a stronger, better quality than the measly supplies they could produce themselves.

This behavior of complaining is typical of those eco-libero-fascists in the white house, though. They try to tell you everything is about to destroy the earth, just so they can sell you something which is half the speed, a quarter of the size, looks like junk, and costs less. Let me tell you something about things that cost less. They add up. I could buy one Hummer for $50,000 or I could buy two Prius’ for $80,000, and they would use about the same amount of petrol. I don’t know where you hokey people learned you r maths, but in my books, $80,000 is more than $50,000 and the petrol costs stay the same! Why would I need two Prius’ but only one Hummer? Because when you buy a Hummer, that’s the only vehicle you’ll ever need. Ever.

They keep arguing that even if we don’t believe “climate change” is happening, we should be working for a “better tomorrow”. Well I’ll tell you now, the only way tomorrow will be better for me is if I get a Hummer today. Then my tomorrow will not only be better, but will be awesome!

There is constant talk about “for our children”, and some people go so far as to say “for our childrens’ children”. I’ll give you a bit of wisdom that was handed down to me. We live our lives the way we do because of science. We get science from scientists. Scientists are smarter than normal people, and therefore, if they gave us this way of life, it must be right. When I have kids, they are going to be given a choice. Either they let the scientists do their job, and give us Hummers, neon lights, beer fridges, and the ability to double-dry our clothes, or they renounce everything that science has given us, and go it alone. I have a back lot especially designed to emulate (it’s a word from science) our world if science had never existed. It’s one hectare of unmanaged bush land crawling with snakes, spiders, wild boars, antelope, and tigers, surrounded by a three meter high electrified fence to remind them that they rejected science for a reason. They will have to learn how to speak, build a wheel, use it to harness electricity, and build a computer with wireless access all by themselves. If my children want to live in a different world without oil dependencies, or so called “pollution”, then they will have to build it themselves, from scratch.

Of course the nazi-eco-libro-fascists in the government don’t really want this to happen. They will cry “reckless child endangerment”, or “unfit parenting”, or “illegal possession of exotic animals”, but I can read through their lies. What they’re really saying is that if my child proves to be able to build a so-called “sustainable” world, they won’t be able to tax it. This is how it works, the world over. Someone offers something for free, and the government decries it as evil, or a waste, or a lie, just so they can control and tax it later. BP are trend setters and international heroes for letting us, Joe and Jane Average, have free, unlimited access to pure oil.

If you love you r country, you r planet, and free things, thank BP by buying exclusively at their service stations from now on. After all, they’re the only ones who offer BP Ultimate, and anything less will destroy you r Hummer’s engine.

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