The Daily Jerk

horoscopes

Happy fun times! A Puzzler!

by on Aug.03, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, HAHAHAHA YORE, Happy fun times, Hello, horoscopes, how are you today?, I'm 12 wat is this?, lining up for fun and profit, SHUT UP, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

This’ll keep you guessing.

The words to find are:
CUNT
CABBAGE
WILDERBEAST
VAGINA
MAGGOT
THATCHER
TUGGING
FUCK
BANANA
YOUR
NETBALL
TEAM
SUCKS
DONKEY
BALLS
SO
THERE

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Censoring the Internet – what you need to know.

by on Jul.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Hello, horoscopes, How did this become 'The Birds' slash-fiction?, Illuminati, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, SHUT UP, STOP IT, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Today I would like to talk about Internet Censorship. After talking to my legal department, however, it has been decided that some of the conversation may spark unwanted knowledge, which could affect the course of this blog. In response, I have taken the liberty of removing all these nonsense bits which could make you think, and leaving just the basic, easy to digest parts of the conversation. Here we go.

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Finding the TRUTH they DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW

by on Jul.01, 2010, under evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, horoscopes, Illuminati, TRUTH

They say truth is subjective. I say that the “truth” is punitive. The truth we are told, are force fed, are meant to believe, is designed only to keep us in the dark, and punish us for being us. Well I’m a man, and I say that I should probably have a say in the truth that I believe. Many people refer to me and my kind of enlightened men as “crackpots” or “wackos”. We, on the other hand, prefer to refer to those people as “sheeple” or “brainwashed masses”.

The reason why people question our sanity is because we aren’t all us. Simply put, sometimes the people who we try to expose pretend to be us and act like really crazy people to make it harder for us to be taken seriously by everyone else when we are telling everyone else about them. Many “conspiracy theories” that you see around are entirely fake deliberately to stop us from being heard. Fortunately there is an easy way to figure out which ones are real, and which ones are fake. There are 3 simple ways which can check to see if something it true, or is a fake.

1 – Is there any proof. This may seem a bit obvious, and every theory claims that there is unlimited proof to support it. What it comes down to is this. Have you seen any proof. If they talk of proof, but never produce any, then it’s probably a scam trying to make us sound crazy. This is what happens all the time when people talk about “Global capitalism”. If there’s no proof, then it’s probably a fake, made up by amateurs who are just starting out, trying to fool people into thinking that we’re all crazy.

2 – Quality of the proof. Here is one that seems obvious, but really isn’t. If the proof seems too good to be true, or too conclusive, then it is probably fake. Take a common theory like “global warming” (are we seeing a theme here?). The evidence produced by so-called “scientists” is so vastly accurate, so detailed, that it must obviously be fake. They try to confuse you by presenting so much evidence, of such high quality that you will never be tempted to read through it all. Well I did, and I came up with some pretty conclusive evidence that it is fake. Did you know that the “scientists” claim that they measured levels of “carbon” in “ice”? Well I may not have any fancy degrees, but I know that ice is made of water, and water has no carbon in it at all. This is just one of the many times that they try to overwhelm you with facts, but completely overlook the real science.

20 dollars of TERROR

20 dollars of TERROR

3 – Historical Evidence. This is an important one. When the shadowy government, illuminati, or mason organisations work, they work slowly. They try to get their plans done over hundreds of years, so that people don’t know what’s going on. Because of this, and their need for secrecy, they often slip coded or secret messages into every day things, so that people never notice. they slip these messages in to the world years before they are relevant, because they have already planned out how to do it. For example, the image to the right shows proof that someone had planned not only to build the world trade centre, but had already planned to destroy it to cause a war to distract us. This is proof of future planning, from even hundreds of years ago. Real plans have evidence from hundreds, or even thousands of years ago. Some people will try to tell you that it’s not real evidence, but it’s obscure because it had to be.

It’s a well known fact that the government try to control people’s minds to turn them against us, who are free from their falsified logic. We can see the world as it truly is, and that scares them. They are always trying to infiltrate us, to make their brainwashed followers think that it’s us, and not them, who are crazy. They try to convince you that foil enhances signals, rather than blocking them. Everything they do attempts to discredit us, to make us seem like we are wild extremists.

It won’t work, because we can see through their lies. If you can see through their lies too, you will see what we see, which is a web of lies. We know the TRUTH, and that it is far different from their fictitious truth, which you are meant to believe. Together, we can expose them for what, and who they really are, and together, we can bring mankind into a brave world where we are free to think about who’s opinions we can believe. Until that day, we will try to keep uncovering the truth for everyone.

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Celebrity gossip for the rest of us

by on Jun.18, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, horoscopes

Celebrity gossip is a wondrous thing. Where else can we whine about the lives of people over who we have no control? We can’t do it about children, because while they make bad decisions, we can always just lock them in a cage. We can’t do it about our parents because when they get a new hussy, no-one wants to think about them naked. The only way that we can truly lament about the poor decisions of beautiful people over whom we have no control is through celebrity gossip. Imagine how life would be if you never knew that Lindsey was a drugged out whore, or that Miley wants to break her childish image by dressing up like a bird? You could spend you r entire life not knowing of the conflict between Tiger Woods and his wife.

Sadly, every day, hundreds of thousands of people; tradies, labourers, and blokes all over the world miss out. It’s not like they don’t listen to the correct radio stations, or have no interest. The problem is the language that is used. It’s a commonly known fact that blokes can only hear language which is low on the register, as heavy machinery has turned everything at the shrill level of women and gay men into an incomprehensible blur. It is a sad fact that the celebrity gossip industry is populated almost entirely by women and gay men, which leaves tradies out in the cold, depressing world of their own life.

Today, however, thanks to the tireless work of the staff from SBS translation services (who have recently all been fired in favor of using “babel fish”) I can now bring celebrity gossip to the people who need it the most. Below is a translation of common celebrity gossip into a language that can be easily read and understood by even the roughest, toughest, manliest of fitter-and-turners. I give you the gift of drama in other people’s lives.

That Brad bloke. He’s a good guy, but his sheila, Ange, is giving him the shits. Never shoulda left his old bird, Jenno, if you ask me. You remember her, she was the meat pie on that “friends” show you r missus used to watch. Annyway, they’ve got half a footy team of ankle biters now, so he’s just gotta deal with it.

Oh, and you know Billy-ray’s daughter? She’s a bit of a stunner now. Got legs from here to Timbuktu, I reckon you oughta try to set her up with you r boy. Do him some good to have a bird like that around.

That Bieber kid? I think he’s a bit of a poofta, you know. Needs a hard days work or two to knock some sense into him. What I wouldn’t give to have him on the site for a week. How many left handed hammers do you need, mate?

Speaking of dickheads, Tommo’s been on about that Scientology crap again. That guy used to be a real top bloke, but now he’s got a few screws loose. You remember when he trashed the couch at that Oprah chick’s place? Yeah, he’s looking to get his lights knocked out with a lump of four-be-two.

You remember Lindsey, right? Bird who loved her beers a bit too much? Got her down the cop shop for driving while pissed. They reckon they’ll lock her up for a bit till she’s off the piss, then she’ll be good to go again.

Todays Horoscopes:

Aries: Let you r sheila put her feet up this weekend. Buy her a maccas breakfast, and then get out of her way. The game is on this weekend. You bloody rippa!

Leo: If yo u’re a bit strapped for cash this week, get the blokes round for the footy this weekend. That way they’ll bring you beer, and you get to sit on you r own couch. You beauty!

Sagittarius: You promised the shiela that you’d spend some time with her this weekend, but the boss is probably going to throw a shift you r way. Bloody hell.

Taurus: If yo u’re strapped for cash, get the union to strike, then become a scab. They pay you better then. Bloody bastards.

Virgo: Yo u’re either about to get bumped up or bumped off at work. Either way, it’s for the best. Bonza.

Capricorn: Yo u’re gonna take the blame at work. Either put up, or make sure it was you r fault. Bummer.

Gemini: You r brother’s coming home from uni. Let him know that yo u’re still boss. Bloody brutal.

Libra: Quit being such a little bitch or everyone’s gonna think yo u’re a poofta; man up already. Bitchy bastard.

Aquarius: Just cause you r sheila is giving you the shits doesn’t mean you get to hit her. The coppers don’t like it. Bloody brutal bashing bastard.

Cancer: Pass on going to watch the footy this week. You’ve got other things to do, and you r old lady won’t like it if they don’t get done. Basically bummer.

Scorpio: Stop ringing you r ex at 3 AM. Everyone knew she was shagging him, so it’s time to let it go. Backstabbing bitch.

Pisces: Don’t be a pussy. That’s pretty much it. Bloody baby.

That’s just a taste. I’m hoping that it’ll take off, giving tradies everywhere a chance to live their lives worrying about someone else’s. Perhaps we can even start up a site for Pezzo Hilton. Until next time, keep pretending like the lives of the stars actually affect you in any way.

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