The Daily Jerk

how are you today?

Happy fun times! A Puzzler!

by on Aug.03, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, HAHAHAHA YORE, Happy fun times, Hello, horoscopes, how are you today?, I'm 12 wat is this?, lining up for fun and profit, SHUT UP, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

This’ll keep you guessing.

The words to find are:
CUNT
CABBAGE
WILDERBEAST
VAGINA
MAGGOT
THATCHER
TUGGING
FUCK
BANANA
YOUR
NETBALL
TEAM
SUCKS
DONKEY
BALLS
SO
THERE

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Live every day like it’s your last

by on Jul.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, how are you today?, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, The one who calls wolf quite often

That’s the advice you’ll get from me! Live EVERY DAY like it’s your last day alive! Don’t hold back, just do it! You might die today, and have all these things left undone. It will torment you forever!

So it is all well and good to talk about living every day like it’s your last, but what does it really mean? Well that depends on how you want to be remembered. Do you want everyone to remember you fondly, and gather around occasionally to share the good memories? Well in that case, you need to die from a horrible terminal disease. Current popular ways to die are AIDS, cancer, or pretty much anything which is gradual, painful death. This gives people a chance to gather around you, while making it difficult for you to ruin the happy image that you want people to remember by being, well, you.

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t have the AIDS! How am I meant to pull this off?”

Well the answer is simple. Stay in bed all day, refuse to eat, and take heavy pain killers. You will develop a sickly pallor, be very vague, and lose muscle mass. Tell everyone that you don’t want to cause a fuss to anyone, least of all the medical system. The longer you are in this state, the more people will talk about how strong you are, fighting off the horrible disease. Of course, if you stick around too long, people will start to wonder. They will try to bring in nurses and doctors; after a while you won’t be able to turn them down, as you won’t have much of an idea what is going on any more. If this eventually happens, it is probably best to wander off while no-one is looking, and try to start a new life somewhere else. You could also try the miraculous recovery route, which lets you move into all sorts of fields like motivational speaking.

What if you don’t really care how people remember you? Well do I have the plan for you! You see, there is a little thing in this world called inhibition. It’s what stops you from doing what you want when you want. It’s what keeps you afraid that tomorrow will be another day, and that you will have to live through it. Happily, when you are living your final day, this inhibition is pretty useless, meaning that you can do whatever you want. So when you are living like it’s the last day you’ll be alive, all you have to do is drop all inhibitions. At a bakery? Think that eating four meat pies, three doughnuts, and a half-dozen caramel slices might not be a good idea? Well just go for it! You won’t be alive tomorrow to regret it!

Don’t have the money to pay for all of it? Who cares! Punch the baker in the face, and take keep eating. There’s no need to run away, or rob them, because you won’t be alive tomorrow. Just keep doing whatever you want. It doesn’t matter! After this, you should go to the pub. Have a few drinks, and pay for nothing. You’ll probably be dead tomorrow, so you are just trying to make the most of the limited time you have left. Who cares it it is 10AM? If it’s later, then you are already wasting your precious time.

Once you are drunk, that should help you to drop the last few inhibitions that you may be holding on to. Track down any girls (or boys) that you ever had a thing for. This is the last day you will have a chance, so you better not waste it! Remember to shout “Surprise!” when they see you, and if you still have clothes on at this point, then that’s more time wasted.

Call everyone who cares about you, and tell them exactly how you feel. It doesn’t matter if you make them cry, because they are fat and deserve to know it, besides they’ll be the only ones around to feel like jerks tomorrow; this is the last day that you are alive! Call the step father who touched you at night; tell him that you had herpes then, and he has it now. Call your mother and tell her that she ruined your life for not getting you that ultra-deluxe BMX when you were seven. Today is all about you, because this is the absolute last day you’ll get to live!

That is what it means to live every day like it’s your last. Of course, you will wake up the next day, but you just have to keep doing the same thing. You probably won’t be alive for much longer anyway.

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Surviving Australia – Everything you need to know

by on Jul.26, 2010, under Hello, how are you today?, TRUTH

Whether you are a tourist or a recent immigrant, Australia can be a difficult place to understand. The rules are complex, confusing, and even if you follow them, someone might still beat you up for looking funny. Luckily, there’s only a few things that you need to know to survive in this country. Even better, I’m willing to tell you those few things. I’ll start with the country itself, and work up to the people who call it home.

The land

Australia is a large place. We have more land per capita than most other developed countries. The reason that it is this way is because the land is mostly unusable, murderous, wasteland. Most of our tourism is based around the idea of escaping from this vast, brown, death hole. The two major experiences you will get while visiting Australia for recreation will be either: survive the outback (if you can, but you probably can’t), or try to swim away (before the ocean kills you, which it probably will). The local population usually tries to avoid doing either of these things, because they consider them indescribably dangerous, and pretty stupid to boot.

The water

Australia is an island nation. As our national anthem proudly proclaims, we are girt by sea. There is no way to get to any other country without somehow facing the water. Like most things to do with Australia, the surrounding sea is a desolate wasteland teeming with interesting ways to die. If you head north, there are jellyfish, sting rays, sharks, more jelly fish, blue ringed octopus, stone fish, even more jelly fish, and even some sharks. To the south, there’s mostly sharks, but they are bigger and angrier sharks. There’s little reason to go south, though, because the only places you could get are Antarctica, New Zealand, or Tasmania. Some astute observers may point out that Tasmania is officially part of Australia, but we only keep it around so that politicians have a testing ground that the general population doesn’t care about. There are also many rivers and lakes in Australia, which largely serve the purpose of harboring crocodiles. The best advice about water that a tourist can receive is “Stay away from it, it’s trying to kill you.”

The plants

After hearing about the general inhospitable nature of both the land and the sea, most people assume that all the plants in Australia are poisonous. This is largely not the case. Just being poisonous would be far too easy for any self-respecting plant, so instead, Australian plants have developed a way to survive on very little water. This may not seem like a bad trait until you consider every other country in the world, where plant life usually implies that water is close by. If you happen to get lost in the bush, most people would be tempted to seek out a grove of trees, hoping to find something to drink. In Australia, you will soon find that doing this will just result in you finding disappointment. As you lie, dying of thirst on the rocks by the roots of a large grey gum, you will hear the leaves stirred by a gentle breeze. Your last, dying thought, is how much it sounds like laughter. If you do happen to find water, there is a very good chance that there is a crocodile watching you, waiting for you to get close.

The animals

The only thing you need to know about the native animals in Australia is this: they can all kill you, and probably will, just for the fun of it. Not only do we have most of the world’s most venomous snakes and spiders, but even the cute fury animals are dangerous. A kangaroo can tear open your stomach with it’s hind legs; a platypus has poison sacks, and a bad attitude; and let’s just hope that you never meet a pissed off wombat. In fact, the least dangerous creature is the super intelligent echidna, which happens to be covered in spines that are so sharp that they can pierce your skin by looking at them. As mentioned earlier, the water-bound animals are just as deadly, and probably twice as angry. In a cruel twist of government, most of the native animals in Australia are protected species, meaning that you couldn’t kill them even if they were eating your family. The only animals which you can legally hunt are the ones which, since being introduced, learned that the only way to survive is to breed faster than they can be killed off.

The people

The people of Australia are generally trusting and friendly. The majority of them work hard, love to drink, and will lend a hand whenever someone is in trouble. The rest of them just love to drink. The second group, largely known variously as bogans, bevans, westies, or yobbos, are prone to violent outbursts, and should be largely avoided by the wary traveler. They are distrustful of anyone different from themselves, which is only amplified by the consumption of alcohol. If you find yourself surrounded by an angry group of these bogans, your best defense is to try to distract them. A little known fact is that the only thing bogans hate more than foreigners, is a bogan from another state. For example, if you are in Queensland, the bogans will likely stop beating you if you can make them think that either a Victorian, or better yet, someone from New South Wales is nearby. For New South Wales, try Victorian, or Queenslander. If you are in Victora, then try Queensland or New South Wales. If you aren’t sure where the bogans are from, then the safe bet is always to try to convince them that there is a Tasmanian nearby.

The language

Speaking to an Australian involves some creativity. Full words are rarely, if ever, used in conversation. There is a simple pattern to follow, though, so that what you say can be understood.

  • Names longer than three letters should be shortened, then add an ‘o’ or a ‘zza’ onto the end. e.g. Steven should become Stevo, Wally should become Wazza.
  • Names that are three letters or less should be extended with an ‘o’. e.g. Ben should become Benno, Tim should become Timmo.
  • Anyone with red hair should be called “Blue”
  • Vowels are important, but most consonants are optional. e.g. “Australia” should be pronounced “Austraaaya”
  • The majority of the vocabulary is a mixture of rhyming slang, shortenings, and in-jokes. e.g. Tommo hit the frog and toad, then chucked a mainy back to the bottlo. (Tom left by road, before doing a u-turn and proceeding back to the alcohol store.)

That is about all you need to know to be able to survive in Australia. The one last tip to remember, if you ever find yourself cornered by bogans in a pub; the way to turn the entire situation around is a simple phrase: “My shout”.

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Marketing blogs like someone else sells stuff that’s not blogs

by on Jul.16, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Hello, how are you today?

Today I am going to borrow a marketing ploy from Old Spice. For people who don’t hold with this whole “Internet” thing, they’ve been making short videos for people who talk to them. It works because it’s INTERACTING with your AUDIENCE.

Well today, I put out a call to the people to ask them to ask me things, and I would provide them with personalised posts. Well it appears that everyone is a bunch of total cunts, and didn’t want me to single them out. Perhaps this is because they thought that I would just call them a bunch of cunts, or perhaps it’s because everyone just thought someone else would do it, I don’t know. In response, however, I have decided to pick random tweets off the Internet, and respond to them. They are not my audience, so they probably won’t appreciate being called cunts, either. Oh well, at least I’m not losing readers out of it!

@Angry_Drunk says: OMFG! iOS 4.0.1 has stopped the flow of oil into the Gulf! Kudos Apple.

Well, Angry Drunk, I believe that the flow of oil into the gulf was quite possibly actually a product of Apple. You see, Apple manufactures things which are largely made of plastic. Unbeknownst to many people, plastic is made, in part, from oil. Sure, some people will tell you that it grown on trees, but those people are fucking idiots, who have never seen real trees. They can’t be helped. So the problem is that Apple wanted more oil, so BP tried to rescue the oil from the depths of the ocean floor. This is less like Aqua Man than it sounds. Long story short, unless the cap was actually made out of iphones, and the latest firmware update somehow MAGICALLY gave them oil-blocking properties, you are a fucking idiot. Nothing personal, because I don’t know you, but twitter tells me that you are popular. Ish.

@Esther_P says: first all why is every thing tweeting twice and 2nd of all did julia gillard really call the election?

Well Esther, I am glad that of all the problems in your life, the most pressing one is everything tweeting twice. While you could be worrying about the soon to be massive pile of student debt that you are amassing, or the fact that some stranger on the Internet picked up your tweet, and from that has decided to call you a vapid cunt, you are instead worrying about the well being of the website, twitter. Perhaps you aren’t really that vapid. This, of course, is followed up by your second most pressing concern; did Julia Gillard call an election. It is good to see that you, an all round great gal are worried about politics as well as websites, even if only so you can find something appropriate to wear. Why, a quick look at your stream gives us such insights into your nature. “cancer really blows” you mused, and “i think i may be a snob?”. Oh how we laughed!

Anyway, you’re a vapid cunt.

@velisyajane says: #nowplaying 21 guns-greenday

Well thank you, Velisya Jane, for sharing with us what you are listening to. I don’t really care, though, because I’m not listening to it. I didn’t ask you what you were listening to, because I can’t hear it, although I’m sure that if you are on public transport, everyone else sitting around you can hear it. Tweets like this are a largely pointless waste of space, and I hate you.

@_glossolalia_ says: Iefu squeankostrai iecri estrectooshi ispoo driell! #sheliedtoyou#agoodrelationship#thistweetisdedicated2

Dear glossolalia. You make a valid point. Go forth, brave soldier.

OK, that about wraps it up. I’ve always wanted to say that, and other than the intended meaning (FUCK OFF, I HATE YOU, AND YOU’RE KEEPING ME FROM MY CAVIAR, COCAINE, AND POOL FULL OF MONEY), I’m not aware that it has any ACTUAL meaning. Enjoy your weekend, you fucking cunts.

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Buy our crap! You know you need it because we told you that you do!

by on Jul.08, 2010, under CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, how are you today?, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Advertising can fuck off. It really can. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU CUNTS? Thanks to advertising, we have fucking retarded shit burgs buying the new iPhone 4, not because their old iPhone is broken, or because it’s particularly incapable of performing the same actions, BUT BECAUSE SOME FUCKING CUNT IN MARKETING TOLD THEM THAT THEY SHOULD.

I’m actually offended by the lengths that some advertisers will go to try to get money out of people. They don’t tell straight out lies, but FUCK do they ever misrepresent the truth, WHICH IS FUCKING WORSE. If someone tells you a lie, you can call it out as a lie AND BE ON YOUR FUCKING WAY. IF THEY’RE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, BUT IN A MISLEADING WAY, THEN SAYING ANYTHING JUST MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A WHINY LITTLE BITCH. THEY FUCKING KNOW THIS, AND THAT’S WHY THEY FUCKING WELL DO IT.

How do you sell hand soap? Everyone already KNOWS that washing your hands is a good thing, so there can’t be much more demand there. You call your soap ANTI-BACTERIAL, despite the fact that it doesn’t really do anything extra. Then you tell people that it MAGICALLY STOPS YOU FROM GETTING SICK. This HAS to be do with the anti-bacterial claim, right? NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T YOU CUNTS. WASHING YOUR HANDS WITH ANY OLD FUCKING SOAP WILL HAVE THE SAME EFFECT. IT’S NOTHING MAGIC, NEW, OR SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR PRODUCT, SO STOP PRETENDING THAT IT FUCKING WELL IS.

What about paracetamol? It’s a standard drug, and EVERY manufacturer has the same dose. SO WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE THINK THAT THE MORE EXPENSIVE BRAND WILL MAGICALLY WORK BETTER? OH THIS BRAND MUST BE BETTER OTHERWISE WHY WOULD THEY CHARGE SO FUCKING MUCH MORE? THEY SELL IT FOR MORE BECAUSE YOU BUY IT FOR MORE, BECAUSE YOU THINK THERE MUST BE A FUCKING REASON WHY IT COSTS MORE. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON, YOU STUPID CUNTS. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE US THAT YOUR PILLS ARE SOMEHOW MAGICALLY BETTER, DESPITE CONTAINING THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT AS ANY OTHER FUCKING BRAND. IF IT WAS DIFFERENT, STRONGER, OR WHATEVER IT WOULD BE FUCKING ILLEGAL TO SELL AS PARA-FUCKING-CETAMOL.

THERE SHOULD BE LAWS AGAINST MISLEADING ADVERTISING. IF YOU TRY TO ADVERTISE A FEATURE AS UNIQUE TO YOUR PRODUCT WHICH ISN’T, I SHOULD GET TO PUNCH YOUR FUCKING FACE INTO YOUR MOTHER’S WOMB. WITH A FUCKING SLEDGE HAMMER.

Worse are the ads who just assume that everyone is a TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT. Sure, I can understand that assumption (YOU CUNTS ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS), but to not even attempt to sugar coat it? Ads that TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE? DO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SHAME? NO TACT? ARE YOU FAT FUCKING CUNTS JUST SITTING BACK AND LAUGHING AT HOW STUPID PEOPLE ARE? I BET YOU FUCKING WELL ARE, TOO.

WELL FUCK YOU. YOU CUNTS DESERVE TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE, BUT YOU WOULD PROBABLY SPIN THAT INTO A GOOD THING ANYWAY (“BUCKSHOT IS THE NEW BEAUTIFUL”), AND THEN TRY TO SELL IT TO POOR FUCKING SAPS FOR TEN TIMES THE PRICE OF THE AMMUNITION.

THESE SOULLESS CUNTS ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, AND ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN CURRENT AFFAIRS “JOURNALISTS”, WHO VAGUELY RESEMBLE THE VOMIT AND PUSS THAT COMES OUT OF THE ANUS OF AN ADVERTISER AFTER YOU STAB THEM INTO A WELL JUSTIFIED DEATH. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK, BUT THAT’S PROBABLY JUST A FEATURE, ISN’T IT?

NEXT YOU WILL BE ADVERTISING FAULTS AS A FUCKING INTENTIONAL DESIGN CHOICE (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, APPLE). I MIGHT BE SOUNDING A BIT LIKE BILL HICKS HERE, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. IF YOU ARE IN ADVERTISING OR MARKETING, YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF RIGHT FUCKING NOW, AND DO THE WORLD A HUGE FAVOUR.

FUCK OFF AND DIE, YOU MAGGOTY CUNTS. STOP PLAYING ON FEARS, AND TRY TO MAKE A DECENT FUCKING PRODUCT INSTEAD.

In the paraphrased words of John Lennon:

You may say that I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll fuck off
And leave the world alone

Also, die.

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Cutting through the Australian political parties

by on Jul.07, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, how are you today?, Illuminati, My skepticisim isn't the slightest bit dogmatic - how dare you, Skeptic logic is infallible, Spill, TRUTH

There is much talk in Australia about how we have a “two party” system. This doesn’t mean that there are only two parties, only that there are only two parties which actually have a chance to win. There are heaps of boutique, or specialist parties. Usually single issue, or single point-of-view parties which, if they ever got into power would invariably fuck everything up, and STILL wouldn’t get around to acting on any of their policies.

There are, in fact, about five major parties now. So with the likely upcoming election, how do we know who to trust with our votes? The simple answer is no-one, but sadly they never have a “total anarchy” option on the ballots. Today, I’ll give you a run down of the major parties, and why none of them can be trusted. Hopefully this will help you to figure out which one you least want to be in power, thus allowing you to figure out the correct order for you r preferences.

The Liberal Party

The Liberal Party is horribly named. They are easily one of the most conservative parties around, believing that the only liberties people should have is to be allowed to pick which horrible employment situation to sign their lives to. They are currently in opposition, after eleven years of iron-fisted justice. Their key policies seem to be:

  • You have no rights.
  • OK, you have one right. The right to have no other rights.
  • OK, that is more of a responsibility than a right.
  • Maybe responsibility is the wrong word. It still makes it sound like you have a choice.

The National Party

Again, this is a horribly named party. They seem to have the least spread out of any of the major parties. To my knowledge, they exist only in Adelaide these days, and that probably won’t last there long. They are the smaller part of a loose coalition with the Liberal party, which just goes to show how much of the nation they care about. They may have policies, but no-one is ever quite sure. Usually, I think their policy is just to oppose everything that Labor says.

The Labor Party

The Labor party, apart from being misspelled, is also misnamed. As a party who you would assume would approve of labour, they strongly opposed the introduction of legal slaves through the previous government’s “Work Choices” legislation. Once a party leaning to the political left, Labor abandoned this when they realised that being evil was more fun. In recent times, they have been playing a game of musical chairs for the leader’s position, which brings some credibility back as the only group to at least take the “Party” part seriously. They are keen gymnasts, with the ability to both back-flip constantly, and to bend over backwards in order to please investors. Their current policies include:

  • Reducing Australia’s carbon emissions by taxing emission producers.
  • Subsidising large emission producers so that the tax doesn’t affect their profit margins.
  • Tax mining companies to pay for the subsidies to large polluters.
  • Talk to mining companies about only taxing parts of their business which affect smaller companies, who aren’t consulted.
  • Filter the Internet to stop bad things from happening for everyone.
  • Speed up Internet speeds so that access speeds aren’t that much slower than they are now when the Internet filter is introduced.

Family First

The Family First party are against all types of family. The current theory holds that their name doesn’t mean that policies should help the family first, but that families should be against the wall. They are strongly opposed to talking about sex, thinking about sex, having sex (unless married), people getting married (gays only), and gays having families. They are largely a conservative Christian party, which is nice that they declare it, but does kind of defenestrate the idea of “separation between church and state”. They are still only a minor party, but they are outspoken, so I feel that it is fair to include them in this list. Their current policies seem to be:

  • Gays are bad
  • Sex before marriage is bad
  • Heathens are probably gay, so they’re bad.
  • Gays would have the same rights as regular people if they were in fact people, and not some demon spawn from hell.
  • Pornography is evil spawn of the devil and should be outlawed.

The Green Party

The first thing you need to know about the Green Party is that they are led by a man named Brown. This the the type of serious position they take to politics. As a running party, they have long been the punch line for many jokes along the lines of “Well who are you going to vote for? The Greens? Ha ha ha!”. They are outspoken about their policies, which seem to be “Oppose everything everyone does, because it’s not good enough”, and “Why can’t we all just get along, man?”. They are one of those parties what everyone says they would vote for if they thought they could ever win a seat, a common statement which has always struck me as being completely contrary to logic. The greens aren’t a particularly evil party, but everyone seems afraid to vote them in because no-one can be that good all the time. What if the time when they snap is the one time that they actually have the power to have a say? As the saying goes, “Better the darlings you love, than letting them into you r house for the night”.

I hope that this helps you to make up you r mind about which party least deserves you r vote. It doesn’t really matter though, because things like the coalition takes all the power out of you r hands anyway.

Happy voting!

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BIG TOPIC SERIES: RACISM

by on Jul.02, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Hello, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, how are you today?, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

It’s another instalment of Daily Jerk’s BIG TOPIC series, this time we’re going to talk about racism.

You know all about racism I’m sure. It’s there in the back of your head. You look at someone who is different than you, and smirk to yourself about how clearly you are superior. Or maybe you don’t, who am I to assume? (wait, who am I kidding. I’m a daily jerk, and of course you do. Good to see our roles are clear here, let’s continue)

Racism. It’s time you revelled in it. Practice it even. You can be a better racist than you are now with some work.

Just think how wonderful it would be if everyone different to you was eliminated. Some narrow minded people might call this genocide, or ethnic cleansing. But you know better than that. It’s just getting rid of the maggoty filth of this world. Am I right?

Get rid of them if their skin is a different colour.
Then get rid of them if their eyes have a different shape.
Then get rid of them if they have noticeably different hair.
Then get rid of them if their nose is a different shape.
Then get rid of them if their eyes are a different colour.
Then get rid of them if they’re shorter than you.
Then get rid of them if they have freckles.
…keep going till there is none left but you.

Oh my, isn’t that a blissful world?

So now it’s time to practice getting your hate on. Remember, everyone is different to you, and so everyone is inferior to you, right?

With that in mind, your exercise for the day is this – next time you’re out in the street, and you see someone who looks like you – find the things that are different, and turn that into a racial slur. Bonus points if it’s new and original.

That’s right boys, girls and MAGGOTS. I want you to go out and start practising racial epitaphs against your own “race”. It’s a game wogs, gringos, palefaces, spics, niggers, crackers, slants, towelheads, whiteys, nazis, honkeys, commie pinko liberals, rednecks, and more can enjoy.  Even a felch monkey like yourself can get in on the act with this, that’s how easy it is.

But you know what? The whole thing is fucked actually. You’re all actually just sacks of carbon and water acting like intelligent hominids anyway, so it’s not like I really expect that you’d know any better. In fact, I’d tear you a new arsehole except you’re spewing shit from both ends already and I’d really rather that you kept it inside if at all possible.

But I bet you can’t even do that right, since you’re just a mindless blood pumping, skeletal supported, dermally covered POOR EXCUSE FOR A FAILED ABORTION!

OK. Fuck it. We’re done here.  You’re not worth it any more. Get off my lawn. Game’s over.

(Fuckin’ biped)

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MOVIE REVIEWS

by on Jun.29, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, how are you today?, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Today, I will enter into the world of the unknown, and bring you with me, as I review movies. At the end of today, the unknown will be misnamed, and the known will be trying to take it’s place. I’m not going to waste any more time, so here’s the first review.

Shutter Island

I watched this last night. The movie started out with the main guy going to a mental institution, and having hallucinations. Because of this, it came as no surprise that the twist was that he was actually an inmate there, and was crazy all along. I was expecting a second twist, where he was really sane the whole time, and the conspiracy he was trying to unravel the entire movie was real. That never happened, though, so it ended pretty badly, I guess. Because he was hallucinating the whole time, it was actually pretty hard to tell which parts were meant to be real and which parts were meant to be hallucinations, which makes me think that the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAPPEN AT ALL. The director was spending too much time trying to be spooky and artistic, and all the suspense was thrown off by the fact that the main guy’s dead girlfriend showed up right near the start, and she wasn’t burnt to death like he said she was, but sopping fucking wet, with a bleeding gut. Then she turned into ash WHICH JUST CONFUSED THE ISSUE FUCKING MORE. I really wish they would just FIGURE OUT THEIR FUCKING METAPHORS, AND STOP TRYING TO BE ARTSY.

I think I may have away some given spoilers there, but if you wanted to watch the movie, you should have thought better than that.

Sex And The City 2

I’ll just put this out there. I haven’t seen Sex and the City 2. I haven’t seen Sex and the City 1. I haven’t really seen more than various clips from Sex and the City, the TV show. I can sum up everything I know about the franchise here:

  • They get naked sometimes.
  • They’re all pretty old now, so this isn’t really a good thing.
  • Sarah Jessica Parker looks a lot like a horse.
  • I am not the target market.

So with all those things in mind, I will attempt to review this movie.

Ok, so when the movie starts, I assume that everyone involved is still in whatever city it is that they live in. It’s probably New York, or San Francisco. They are the only two cities in America that I know of where people can get their tramp on and get rewarded. I’m pretty sure that they’re not the same city, either, but you can never really tell. San Francisco has a bridge, I think. Anyway, the plot advances when they decide that they’re going to the middle east for whatever fucking reason that they can come up with. They probably want to power-whore their way to finding Osama Bin Laden, so they can kill him with their veritable petri-dish of STD infected cunts.

Anyway, their reasons for wanting to become sluts in another time zone is shrouded in the mystery which can only be unravelled by watching the movie without shooting yourself in the fucking face. So going to the middle east could only really mean one of two locations. Either they’re going to Iraq to help the troops get their sick-leave earlier, or they’re off to Dubai, because, well let’s face it, that’s the only other place in the Middle East where anyone ever wants to go.

The place where they go at this point could totally change the outcome of the movie, so I’m going to write a parallel movie review from this point.

Iraq Dubai
The “girls” (like you can really call middle-aged whores who look like overripe horses “girls”) get drafted into some form of tour of duty which requires that they peddle their wares to troops who really should know better than to stick their penises into disease-ridden prune cunts.

Anyway, they get shot at a bit, and one of them gets a gaping wound blasted in their face by some fucking shrapnel. This is officially the coolest part in the entire fucking movie.

They all get the sads about it, and then they realise that the wound is about the size their vaginas once were, so they over-come by getting hundreds of men to come over it. They probably learn some valuable lesson about over coming (or coming over) adversity, and then they all die from AIDS.

The “whores” (I feel that this is a pretty appropriate name for them, really) decide to get their skank on in Dubai, because they hear that there are lots of rich men there, and they’re not having sex with anyone but their wives.

When they arrive, they realise that they aren’t allowed to drink anything, so their alcohol-based blood streams start to shut down. In desperation, they kill Samantha, and try to eat her liver. They are able to get at least a years supply of alcohol for a normal drunk out of it, but due to their rampant and insatiable whoreiness, they are unable to satisfy their appetites for more than an hour.

Carrie learns about her powers of telekinesis, but is unable to control them properly, and ends up impaling herself on a large, mechanical dildo.

The other two girls try to solicit sex from the hotel manager, who calls the police. They are both thrown in jail, where they learn the truth about life or something. Then they die from AIDS.

I can’t be certain that that’s how the movie goes, but I’m pretty sure that no-one has ever watched it through entirely, so I’m probably pretty safe here.

I think that is all that I need to say about the Sex and the City Franchise.

I hope you enjoyed my film reviews.

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Ode to wedders

by on Jun.25, 2010, under FABULOUS PRIZES!, Heroes, how are you today?, I'm a poet now too

Ode.

I am feeling rather old,
As I reach that time of life.
Where my friends stop having children,
Settle down, and find a wife.

You see the breeding stage comes early,
When yo u’re in a country town,
As there’s nothing else to do,
When the waterhole is brown.

No movies and no shopping,
Lest you count the general store.
Which has a brilliant range of jerky
But closes after four.

Se everyone just breeds;
Little children everywhere.
Except the bastards who escape,
To Greece, or France, or Ayr.

But when you get to my age;
Tender young, though it may be;
Everyone wants commitment,
A house, and Holden HSV.

I may have left the town
At the age of seventeen,
But the friends I left behind
Couldn’t stop; they started breeding.

I don’t think any less of them,
They’re brilliant, every one.
But babies and then marriage.
Is the way they have their fun.

Ode.

1 Comment more...

Improving things, like yourself, for my benefit. Yours too, I guess.

by on Jun.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Hello, how are you today?, STOP IT

I frequently hear the line on TV, in movies, on the internet, and from dickheads at parties, “Self improvement is masturbation, now self destruction…”. I never understood what it meant, and I would look it up on the internet, but I don’t care about the opinions of anyone who would discuss it. Everyone says that self improvement is a good thing, and my internet history will tell you that I sure love masturbation, so I guess we can’t go wrong there. I’m not certain exactly how masturbation is meant to improve your self, but I’m willing to find out through rigorous experimentation. It probably exercises your arm, so I guess that could be considered self improvement; good enough for me, at any rate. I’m still a bit concerned about the second part of the quote, especially as it isn’t complete. For now, let’s just ignore that, and focus on self improvement.

Now while I would sure love to write an entire post about masturbating, almost as much as you would love to read it, it is apparent that there are many other parts of the self that can’t be improved by touching myself. It is at this point that I would like to bring up another quote which gets passed around like marijuana at a party, or Miley Cyrus at a party; “help me, help you.” I particularly like this, as it signifies that we should all work together in order to make everything good for everyone. Once again, this doesn’t mean that everyone should participate in mutual masturbation, or even a dutch rudder arrangement. It means that I need you to help me with my self improvement. In turn, I will happily help you, by singling out areas in which you, yourself, can improve; no smelly hands required. Below are the areas of my self that I feel could use improving, and how I feel that you could help.

Money. Everyone needs money. Money literally makes the world go round. I was told as a child that God makes the world go round, and every time I went to church, everyone was chipping in to pay God; that is the only logical conclusion that I could make. I need money, and feel that personal wealth would be a great boon to my self esteem, and my happiness. So how can you help? By giving me money! I’m not asking for much, here. Every time you think about me, put aside some lose change for me. If you see me in the street, sling me a fiver. The real bonus with this one is that it helps us both learn a valuable lesson. I learn about the kindness of strangers, and you learn that material wealth isn’t as important as true happiness. Trust me, no-one is more truly happy than I am when you give me money. The lesson that you learn is almost important as the lesson that I will learn. I learnt that lesson a long time ago, as did people like Gandhi. It is only after you learn about the true nature of material wealth and happiness that you can finally accept it, and learn how to gain true happiness from material wealth.

Readers. If you are reading this, you no-doubt know the wonders of my writing. You know the insights, the highs, the humor which you can’t get from any other place. Why not share that with other people? I know that I would greatly benefit if I could touch the hearts, minds, and occasionally bodies, of even more people. This is another one which has benefit not just for me, but for many other people as well. Help to improve us all by sharing my words with your friends, colleagues, people you see on the street, other people on the internet. Anyone, really. I’m not fussy.

Spelling. As Professional Hatemonger is always so quick to spell out, I have difficulty spelling out words. Using a built in spell checker does help this somewhat, but occasionally I come across a word which it claims is spelled incorrectly. This is where you can help. If a word achieves much mainstream use, it will eventually have to be entered into dictionaries. Once it’s in dictionaries, then I can be happy that the words which I am using will no longer have squiggly red lines beneath them. Here are some words which are frequently marked as “incorrect”; words that you can help to make a difference on.

  • Cunt – By far one of my favorite words, but my spell checker frequently insists that it is spelled incorrectly.
  • Arse – The correct spelling, according to the Queen’s English. How often the Queen actually says ‘arse’ is anyone’s guess; I would like to think that behind closed doors, it is the majority of her vocabulary.
  • Cabbage – Okay, so this one is spelled correctly, but I merely want to change it to a swear word.
  • Hypodefenestration – The act of trying to throw something out of a window, but not putting enough energy into it so that it falls short or bounces off the glass. It’s pretty embarrassing.
  • Refenestration – The act of throwing something back into a window. Maybe you changed your mind or something.

With a little bit of help, I think that I should be able to write as a I feel, without being harassed by spell checkers.

Now I promised you that I would also point out some areas for you that I feel you could easily improve upon. These are just suggestions, so by all means don’t think that these are the only places in which you need to improve your life.

  • Monetary Wealth – You have too much of it, and it is clouding your judgement. You should give some to me, to show you the true importance of life.
  • Saying half a quote that you don’t quite understand in the hope that it will make you look intelligent – I hear a particular quote quite often from people on the internet, and at parties. It goes something like “Self improvement is masturbation, now self destruction…”, and every time I hear it, I feel like finishing the quote for them. The incomplete quite is rather meaningless, and when people say it, thinking that it has meaning, it just shows that they are faking it. For your own good, please stop doing this.
  • Spelling – Almost every single device on the internet has a spell checker these days. Back when text messages had limited characters, I could understand the need to shorten words. Now that you are back on the internet with a full keyboard, learn how to spell. Please, it’s for your own benefit, really. If u dont takl liek ths thn ppl wil want 2 tlk 2 u 2. It isn’t that hard, and the squiggly red lines aren’t meant to be a scoring system.
  • Entering usernames and passwords into applications which claim to tell you who has blocked you/is looking at your profile/thinks ur sExY lol – Once again, for your own good, and my sanity. Stop it. Every single one is a phishing scam, and even if they aren’t just assume that they are. Are you really that vain that you care who doesn’t want to listen to you talk? Do you want to exact some form of vengeance upon them for not caring about you? It won’t work, because they already don’t like you. Blocking them back won’t do anything.
  • Turning every list of “friends”, “followers”, etc. into a competition – It’s no good having 3000 followers if 1. they aren’t real people, and 2. none of them know or care about your opinion. If you genuinely have 3000 organic followers who are hanging off your every word, and really, really care about what you say, that’s great. If not, then you’re wasting everyone’s time.

That’s all for now. I hope that you take this advice and start working on your self improvement, and I sincerely hope you that you can help me with my own self improvement, too. Especially the money one.

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