The Daily Jerk

MAGNETS – HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK

Don’t go under the bridge, that’s where trolls live!

by on Aug.02, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, I'm 12 wat is this?, kids books, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, Stories for children, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Under the bridge is where trolls live, just like under the trap door in my garage is where I hide the bodies of neighborhood cunt beasts whose frisbees end up in my yard. It’s where they live in terms of sleeping, eating, and scaring goats, but not where they work. Where trolls really live is on the Internet, and what they eat is reactions. The sooner people learn this, the sooner we can get on about our lives without having fucking idiots telling us about “Cyber Security”, “Cyber Bullying”, and “Cyberspace Etiquette” every time some dead shit parent lets their retarded cunt spawn have a webcam in their bedroom.

All these supposed “Cyber Experts” seem to be old, confused, and still like to think of the Internet as that blue ‘e’ on their desktop which they can use to get to “the facebooks”. The advice they all spout has no real relevance to the way the Internet works, and is somewhere between kindergarten sand pit problem solving (tell the teacher), and the suggested response for terrorism (red alert bring in the SWAT teams and maybe Jack Bauer). Every little incident must be reported to the feds, because they seem to be so efficient at solving “Cyber Crimes”. Of all the problems in the world that people try to solve with prevention and education, this is one of the only ones where that might be the right way to go.

You see, the problem is that the Internet isn’t LIKE the playground. You can’t give someone a slap on the wrist for misbehaving, because you don’t make the rules. You can’t make rules based on your own morals or society because MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET AREN’T PART OF YOUR SOCIETY AND PROBABLY DON’T SHARE YOUR MORALS. Trying to FORCE them to see things your way is both AS IGNORANT AS A FUCKING ROCK, and NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WELL WORK.

Of course, these simple facts have never stopped certain people in various countries from TRYING to control the Internet, usually with a call of “SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” The thing is that these people who hatch plans to control the Internet invariably know ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT IT. They are probably the same type of retards who think that you can make unlimited free energy using magnets. They don’t listen to people who ACTUALLY FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING because they’ve labeled THEMSELVES THE FUCKING EXPERTS. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO ANYONE FUCKING ELSE? THEY MADE UP THEIR MIND AND BUILT THEMSELVES A WEBSITE IN MICROSOFT FUCKING FRONT PAGE, SO THEY MUST BE THE FUCKING EXPERTS.

ALSO HOW THE FUCK DO THESE CUNTS SPEND 8 HOURS A DAY “WORKING” ON A FUCKING STATIC WEBSITE? WHAT DO THEY DO? CLICK AROUND THE PAGES TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING THERE? I WRITE CONTENT EVERY FUCKING WEEK DAY, AND I DON’T SPEND 8 FUCKING HOURS, EVEN WHEN I’M ASSUAGING MY NEED TO STARE CONSTANTLY AT THE FUCKING STATISTICS. IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT FUCKING LONG TO “RUN” A FUCKING WEBSITE. THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LABELED YOURSELF AN EXPERT ON “CYBER” FUCKING ANYTHING IS A TESTAMENT TO YOUR FUCKING INEPTITUDE AS A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE LINED UP AND FUCKING SHOT BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY OF NO USE TO THE REST OF FUCKING SOCIETY. OH, SOMEONE WAS MEAN TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE FUCKING CUNT BEAST ON THE INTERNET? WELL IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNT SPAWN ISN’T PLAYING IN THE BAD AREAS. YOU CAN’T BLAME A FUCKING LORRY DRIVER FOR HITTING YOUR CHILD IF YOU LET THEM PLAY ON A 6 LANE FREEWAY, BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE SAME APPLIES TO THE FUCKING INTERNET. YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCKING CUNTS SHOULD EDUCATE YOURSELVES ABOUT WHERE IT’S SAFE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS BALL OF LARD AND FUCKING HAIR TO PLAY, OR YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING COMPUTER.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF YOU FEEL THAT INTERNET ACCESS IS A RIGHT FOR YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN, IF YOU CAN’T SPELL INTERNET, OR DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “GOOGLE” AND A WEB BROWSER, THEN YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ELECTROCUTED BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.

Computers and the Internet are handy tools, but like any other fucking tool, they’re not safe for children to use unsupervised. If you don’t feel that you can watch your child every fucking second of the day, then GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ARSE OFF THE COUCH, STOP WATCHING TODAY TONIGHT, AND FUCKING MONITOR WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE FUCKING DOING. SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH EFFORT? THEN DON’T FUCKING WELL LET YOUR KIDS USE THE DAMNED THING. DO WE NEED TO PUT FUCKING MASSIVE WARNING LABELS ON COMPUTERS SO THAT YOU KNOW THAT BAD THINGS CAN FUCKING HAPPEN? IF WE DID DO THAT WOULD YOU EVEN FUCKING READ THEM? IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A NAIL GUN SAFELY WOULD YOU LET YOUR 10 YEAR OLD PLAY AROUND WITH IT UNSUPERVISED? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO.

WHEN DID THE WORLD GET SO FUCKING DENSE? WHEN DID COMMON SENSE GET SO FUCKING RARE? SINCE WHEN DID CLAIMING TO BE AN EXPERT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY MAKE IT SO? WHEN WILL EVERYONE GET JUST SO SANE THAT I CAN STOP YELLING PROFANITIES AT YOU ALL? WILL ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS BE LESS RHETORICAL? I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!

YOU FAT BASTARDS.

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My Torment: hearing computer jargon get butchered on films and television.

by on Jul.13, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It bugs me, OK? If you have a main character who is meant to be a computer wiz, then it stands to reason that they should seem like they know something about computers. Happily, script writers have realised that, and fill characters’ speech with junk jargon, stringing together buzz-words, and the occasional terms which have hit main-stream popularity. Sadly, they never check with any actual nerds to find out if what is being said makes even THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF FUCKING SENSE.

Once, people thought it gave credibility to a character if they mention google. Now it’s myspace, facebook, or youtube. Whatever is popular. If they’re a hard-core hacker, then they’ll “know unix”, or will “de-fragment the mainframe to reverse the IP polarity, and use that to back-door through the firewall so they can crack the encryption on the database password, thus letting us ftp into the suspect’s computer remotely and read their files.”

It makes no fucking sense. FUCKING NONE. YET SOME STUPID CUNT RECOGNISES “DE-FRAGMENT”, “FIREWALL”, AND “ENCRYPTION”, AS COMPUTERY WORDS, SO IT’S ALL FUCKING OK THEN, ISN’T IT?

It doesn’t stop there, either. Almost every TV show or movie in history that has a “computer wiz” has shown a process of “ENHANCE THE PHOTO”, like it’s something that can be fucking done in seconds on ANY OLD FUCKING COMPUTER, WITH ONLY A FEW FUCKING TYPED COMMANDS. PROCESSING POWER, INTERFACE, AND PHYSICAL CAPABILITY BE DAMNED. PLOT IS MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT. ONE OF THESE DAYS I’LL BUILD A PROGRAM WHICH “ENHANCES” PHOTOS BY RECREATING THEM AS FUCKING GOATSE. SEE HOW YOU CUNTS FUCKING LIKE IT THEN.

Computers aren’t the only victim to useless cunts who think that faking it badly can get you through. The other big one is music. Violins and guitar in particular. The concept should be pretty simple. Move fingers or hands when notes change, and if you pluck a string with your finger in different places, you should be able to tell the difference between high and low notes. EVERY TIME I SEE SOMEONE BADLY FAKING A GUITAR SOLO BY MOVING THEIR HAND AROUND LIKE A RETARDED, COKED OUT MONKEY, I AM A LITTLE HAPPIER BECAUSE AT LEAST THEY’VE REALISED THAT “FAST BIT MEANS HAND MOVES”. THE CUNTS WHO ARE STILL PRETENDING TO PLAY CHORDS THAT DON’T EXIST CAN FUCK OFF THOUGH. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU TAKE ONE FUCKING LESSON, AND AT LEAST UNDERSTAND THE BASICS OF THE INSTRUMENT? IF YOU ARE A MAIN CHARACTER, AND PLAYING GUITAR OR VIOLIN IS A BIG PART OF YOUR SCHTICK, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LEARN HOW TO FUCKING HOLD THE THING PROPERLY? EVERY TIME YOU DON’T YOU ARE JUST MAKING EVERY MUSICIAN WATCHING HATE YOU JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.

Some movies get it right. They make the actors ACTUALLY LEARN HOW TO PLAY, EVEN IF HORRIBLY. That’s all I ask. You are getting paid fuck loads of money, so just pretend like you care about what you’re doing on screen more than you care about which small Moroccan boy you’ll snort your next line off the butt crack of.

I know that some people think that it isn’t worth much to make these small things right, but just imagine if they let everything go as badly as they let these two areas. Imagine if in “Julie and Julia” the main character (one of them) threw a live chicken into a deep fryer, and called it lightly poached. No-one would buy it, but that’s exactly what is happening every time a movie hacker “re-routes the USB signal to the Wifi multiplexer, before getting tracked by a TRACER TEE!”

Just because you vapid cunts don’t understand what you’re saying doesn’t mean that it makes technical sense. Fuck off and die.

Or I’ll hack all your IPs into the modem and re-boot the registry engine device. Remotely.

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Buy our crap! You know you need it because we told you that you do!

by on Jul.08, 2010, under CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, how are you today?, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Advertising can fuck off. It really can. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU CUNTS? Thanks to advertising, we have fucking retarded shit burgs buying the new iPhone 4, not because their old iPhone is broken, or because it’s particularly incapable of performing the same actions, BUT BECAUSE SOME FUCKING CUNT IN MARKETING TOLD THEM THAT THEY SHOULD.

I’m actually offended by the lengths that some advertisers will go to try to get money out of people. They don’t tell straight out lies, but FUCK do they ever misrepresent the truth, WHICH IS FUCKING WORSE. If someone tells you a lie, you can call it out as a lie AND BE ON YOUR FUCKING WAY. IF THEY’RE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, BUT IN A MISLEADING WAY, THEN SAYING ANYTHING JUST MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A WHINY LITTLE BITCH. THEY FUCKING KNOW THIS, AND THAT’S WHY THEY FUCKING WELL DO IT.

How do you sell hand soap? Everyone already KNOWS that washing your hands is a good thing, so there can’t be much more demand there. You call your soap ANTI-BACTERIAL, despite the fact that it doesn’t really do anything extra. Then you tell people that it MAGICALLY STOPS YOU FROM GETTING SICK. This HAS to be do with the anti-bacterial claim, right? NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T YOU CUNTS. WASHING YOUR HANDS WITH ANY OLD FUCKING SOAP WILL HAVE THE SAME EFFECT. IT’S NOTHING MAGIC, NEW, OR SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR PRODUCT, SO STOP PRETENDING THAT IT FUCKING WELL IS.

What about paracetamol? It’s a standard drug, and EVERY manufacturer has the same dose. SO WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE THINK THAT THE MORE EXPENSIVE BRAND WILL MAGICALLY WORK BETTER? OH THIS BRAND MUST BE BETTER OTHERWISE WHY WOULD THEY CHARGE SO FUCKING MUCH MORE? THEY SELL IT FOR MORE BECAUSE YOU BUY IT FOR MORE, BECAUSE YOU THINK THERE MUST BE A FUCKING REASON WHY IT COSTS MORE. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON, YOU STUPID CUNTS. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE US THAT YOUR PILLS ARE SOMEHOW MAGICALLY BETTER, DESPITE CONTAINING THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT AS ANY OTHER FUCKING BRAND. IF IT WAS DIFFERENT, STRONGER, OR WHATEVER IT WOULD BE FUCKING ILLEGAL TO SELL AS PARA-FUCKING-CETAMOL.

THERE SHOULD BE LAWS AGAINST MISLEADING ADVERTISING. IF YOU TRY TO ADVERTISE A FEATURE AS UNIQUE TO YOUR PRODUCT WHICH ISN’T, I SHOULD GET TO PUNCH YOUR FUCKING FACE INTO YOUR MOTHER’S WOMB. WITH A FUCKING SLEDGE HAMMER.

Worse are the ads who just assume that everyone is a TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT. Sure, I can understand that assumption (YOU CUNTS ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS), but to not even attempt to sugar coat it? Ads that TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE? DO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SHAME? NO TACT? ARE YOU FAT FUCKING CUNTS JUST SITTING BACK AND LAUGHING AT HOW STUPID PEOPLE ARE? I BET YOU FUCKING WELL ARE, TOO.

WELL FUCK YOU. YOU CUNTS DESERVE TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE, BUT YOU WOULD PROBABLY SPIN THAT INTO A GOOD THING ANYWAY (“BUCKSHOT IS THE NEW BEAUTIFUL”), AND THEN TRY TO SELL IT TO POOR FUCKING SAPS FOR TEN TIMES THE PRICE OF THE AMMUNITION.

THESE SOULLESS CUNTS ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, AND ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN CURRENT AFFAIRS “JOURNALISTS”, WHO VAGUELY RESEMBLE THE VOMIT AND PUSS THAT COMES OUT OF THE ANUS OF AN ADVERTISER AFTER YOU STAB THEM INTO A WELL JUSTIFIED DEATH. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK, BUT THAT’S PROBABLY JUST A FEATURE, ISN’T IT?

NEXT YOU WILL BE ADVERTISING FAULTS AS A FUCKING INTENTIONAL DESIGN CHOICE (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, APPLE). I MIGHT BE SOUNDING A BIT LIKE BILL HICKS HERE, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. IF YOU ARE IN ADVERTISING OR MARKETING, YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF RIGHT FUCKING NOW, AND DO THE WORLD A HUGE FAVOUR.

FUCK OFF AND DIE, YOU MAGGOTY CUNTS. STOP PLAYING ON FEARS, AND TRY TO MAKE A DECENT FUCKING PRODUCT INSTEAD.

In the paraphrased words of John Lennon:

You may say that I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll fuck off
And leave the world alone

Also, die.

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“Scare” quotes, and other things that “journalists” should stop doing before I stab them all in the fucking face.

by on Jul.05, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Scare quotes are an interesting thing. They change the perception of meaning, without actually having to change the meaning. Stupid cunts with no fucking integrity (“Journalists”) use them to imply conflict of interest when there is none. They use them to make idiots think that there is news in the stupidest places. For this, I blame the Internet entirely. Once, news articles went through editors, who’s job it was to fact-check articles, and make sure that they weren’t just masturbatory cunt puss.

Now we have the Internet, where “Everyone has the scoop”™, which has led to cluster-cunts claiming to be journalists, and every non-noteworthy piece of bile being treated as breaking, headline fucking news. Then we were faced with a problem, where there was so much noise, that NO-ONE KNEW WHAT NEWS WAS IMPORTANT. Every piece of irrelevant drivel was ENTIRELY INDISTINGUISHABLE from EVERY OTHER PIECE OF TUMOUR INDUCING, SELF PLEASURING, SEMEN ENCRUSTED, VOMIT STAINED, POINTLESS CRAP THAT IS GETTING TOUTED AS NEWS. So to combat this, people decided that you had to make EVERYTHING SCANDALOUS. WHAT EASIER WAY OF CREATING SCANDAL THAN BY IMPLYING IT WHERE NONE EXISTS.

THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS REPORT ON THE IMPLICATION OF SCANDAL, RATHER THAN REPORTING ANYTHING OF USE TO ANYONE FUCKING EVER. Just think about it; which of these headlines would be most likely to get you to read?

  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from new tax
  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from new “tax”
  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from “new” tax
  • Politician says public have “nothing to fear” from new tax
  • Politician says “public” have nothing to fear from new tax
  • “Politician” says public have nothing to fear from new tax
  • “Politician” says “public” have “nothing to fear” from “new” “tax”

They all say the same words, they all mean the same thing, but every one SEEMS like it’s saying something different. THEY ARE ALSO ALL TRYING TO SEX UP SOME OTHERWISE BULLSHIT PIECE OF NON-NEWS BY MAKING IT SEEM THAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE FUCKING SCARED. THEY ARE LIKE AIR QUOTES, BUT YOU CAN’T FUCKING PUNCH THE CUNT WHO USES THEM IN THE FACE. OH HOW I WANT TO PUNCH THEM IN THEIR STUPID FUCKING FACES.

IT’S PEOPLE LIKE THIS WHO CAUSE NON-NEWS TO BE PARADED AROUND LIKE IT’S WORTH HALF A FUCK (THE SECOND HALF, WHERE EVERYTHING IS STICKY AND SHAMEFUL, AND THE CAT KEEPS LOOKING AT YOU LIKE IT WILL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN). YOU MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNTS ARE THE ENTIRE PROBLEM. IT HAS NOW SPREAD INTO TRADITIONAL PRINT PAPERS, SO WE CAN’T EVER FIND A SINGLE SKERRICK OF ANYTHING THAT EVEN SLIGHTLY RESEMBLES ACTUAL FUCKING INFORMATION. YOU CUNTS DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE, AND THE WORLD WOULD BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU “JOURNALISTS” (THAT’S THE CORRECT WAY TO USE QUOTES, BECAUSE YOU VAPID, LIFELESS CUNTS HAVE LESS JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY THAN THE DIARRHOEA THAT YOU VOMIT ALL OVER THE PAGE) WERE LINED UP AND SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEADS.

This kind of useless fucking time wasting has spawned into an even worse form of Television “journalism” (again, using the correct, contemptuous, form of scare quotes). Current fucking Affairs. Every time I see one of these programs, it makes me want to vomit blood and piss through my eyeballs. THAT WOULD BE MORE FUCKING ENJOYABLE. They not only waste time, BUT THEY FUCKING LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING JUST TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THERE IS A FUCKING NEWS STORY, OR AN INJUSTICE IN THE WORLD WHERE THERE’S NOTHING BUT STUPID FUCKING BOGANS WHO CAN’T HELP BUT SPIT BABIES OUT OF THEIR EARS RATHER THAN CLEANING UP, GETTING JOBS, OR PAYING THE FUCKING RENT. HERE’S A TIP: IF THEY PAID THEIR FUCKING RENT, THEN THEY WOULDN’T BE GETTING EVICTED. IF THEY STOPPED EATING SOLIDIFIED FUCKING FAT, THEN THEY WOULDN’T HAVE DOCTORS TELLING THEM TO LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT.

THEY ARE NOT THE FUCKING VICTIMS, YOU USELESS PACK OF CUNT BLOODIED, SHIT EATING, MAGGOT FILLED, CHILD RAPING, ARSE FISTING, CRACKED OUT, SEMEN STAINED, URINAL CAKE GOBBLING, FUCKING THATCHERIST, CONSERVATIVE, MINDLESS, TOSSER, VENOMOUS, PENIS BREATHED, FLUFFY BUNNY LOVING, DISGRACES TO THE NAME OF FUCKING HUMANITY, ANIMALS, INTELLIGENT LIFE FORMS, OR ANYTHING ELSE ALIVE, INCLUDING FUCKING AMOEBAS.

NOT EVEN THAT CAN SUM UP THE CONTEMPT THAT I HAVE FOR YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTS. THERE ARE NO WORDS IN EXISTENCE, NOT EVEN CABBAGE, WHICH CAN QUANTIFY EXACTLY HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. I WOULD SAY THAT YOU SHOULD ALL BE FUCKING SHOT, BUT IT’S A WASTE OF PERFECTLY GOOD BULLETS THAT WOULD HAVE MORE VALUE BEING FIRED AT ROCKS. DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE, YOU VACUOUS CUNTS. AT LEAST THEN SOME FUCKING RETARD CAN FEEL THE WARMTH, AND YOU WILL HAVE DONE SOME FUCKING GOOD IN YOUR LIVES.

Still, though. I just can’t sum it up. Sure, every life is precious, blah, blah, blah, but there are some lives which would be more precious as firewood. If you have ever tried to drum up more interest in a non-news topic by implying through scare quotes or blatant lies that the story is something else, I ask you to please, PLEASE, think of the state of humanity, and self-immolate. It’s not too late to rid the world of your until-you-are-on-fire-you-are-absolutely-uselessness by burning yourself, preferably in a giant pile made out of all your friends, family, and anyone who has ever encouraged you.

I hate you all.

Fuck off.

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Your questions are burning (A HOLE IN MY FUCKING SKULL WITH THEIR STUPIDITY)

by on Jun.14, 2010, under CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

So yesterday (conveniently a weekend) marked a month since my first post on this site. A few days ago, I asked people to ask me things. These are some of the questions that I received, and as a bonus, some answers to them.

Q: Have you ever wondered why a turtle has a neck?
A: No. I know why turtles have necks. It’s so stupid fucking middle-class white people can pretend to have something in common with poor black people (who make up for their lack of monetary wealth with a boon of musical talent). They function only as foreskins for cunts with no sense of fashion.

Q: Why are you such a (insert MAGGOT-TITS GOVERNMENT MARTHA STEWART here) SHAGPILE MAGGOT-TITS?
A: I have trained VERY LONG and VERY FUCKING HARD to develop tit-maggots. Now you SWAN THE FUCK IN HERE and pretend like IT’S A FUCKING BAD THING, YOU CUNT. IF I WANT TO GET A GOVERNMENTAL ORDER TO INFECT MARTHA STEWART’S TITS WITH MAGGOTS, THEN I HAD BEST HAVE SOME TIT MAGGOTS FUCKING READY AT HAND. I will, however take your suggestion for a shagpile tit-maggot delivery method under consideration.

Q: Why do I always smell bacon?
A: Because you are a giant, disgusting, fucking HAM BEAST. You probably have half a side of pork shoved in your cunt, just in case you need it for emergencies. YOU MAKE ME SICK.

Q: Stupid people – how do they live?
A: In cars, apparently. They fucking wouldn’t if I had anything to do with it. Take the warning labels off everything, and let the problem sort itself out. By shooting everyone who complains about there no longer being any warning labels or instructions. Actually, taking the instructions off things wouldn’t make any difference because the STUPID FUCKHEADS WHO INHABIT THIS CUNTING PLANET NEVER READ THE FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS ON ANYTHING ANYWAY.

So that’s it for now. If you want to ask questions, there’s still the following ways:

Now fuck off.

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A little insight into the readers (Yes! That’s YOU!)

by on Jun.10, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK

I think that now is an appropriate time to just have a little back-and-forth. It’s a nice time for some feed back. I’ve been at this for about a month now, and some of you have actually continued to read my posts.

Whether this is because you actually enjoy reading what I say, enjoy getting abused (you dirty sicko), or keep accidentally clicking the daily link that I spam out on twitter or facebook, I may never know. What I DO know is that every day, at least SOME people come to see what I’ve written. What I ALSO know is that almost every day, this site manages to disappoint someone who is looking for porn.

These are my “top searches”, according to my rather vague statistics module:

  • watch you jerk
  • annoying lolspeak a haven for the illiterate
  • youngest cunts on the internet
  • cunts at puberty

For a while I was also receiving traffic from people who desperately wanted to know if you could (or should, or how to) eat a xerophile. Some people are just plain weird.

So now that I know a little about you, it’s your chance to ask some of those burning questions about why you are all such cunts. I even promise that not all the answers to questions received will be “BECAUSE YOU FUCKING ARE, YOU CUNT. YOU WERE PROBABLY BORN THAT WAY OR SOMETHING. FUCKING GET OUT OF MY FACE.”

So feel free to ask away, through the comments below, through various channels of asking me things that people who know me have open to them, or by email. I also have a formspring account for you bastards which use that crap.

I’ll endeavour to answer questions received through further posts later.

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Hating on WORDS

by on Jun.07, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, SHUT UP, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate words. I hate them, right down to their lettery cores. I hate words, I hate linguists, I hate word smiths, I hate the WORD “smith”, I hate everyone CALLED “Smith”, I ESPECIALLY hate the character “Agent Smith” in “The Matrix”, because he loved to use words, and was called “Smith”.

As far as I am concerned, words can be burnt into their own special hell, which will have no name because to name it, you have to use a word, and it any word will eventually end up in there, so applying a name will only be a temporary measure, and will only really exacerbate the problem.

So what is it about words that I hate so much? It’s the fact that they’re ALL FUCKING MISUSED BLOODY LIARS. All words have, at some point, been misappropriated by FUCKING RETARDS who think that the SOUND of the word is good enough to get their point across.

You fucking CUNTS.

Words used to be good for all sorts of things, but now, because of FUCKING ARSEHOLE RETARDO-CUNTS, you can’t trust A SINGLE FUCKING WORD TO MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS. FOR ALL I KNOW, YOU THINK I’M TALKING ABOUT HAM AND PENIS SANDWICHES, SMEARED IN ANAL JUICES. HOWEVER IF YOU THOUGHT THAT, THEN YOU PROBABLY THOUGHT THAT WHAT I JUST SAID THEN WAS ABOUT FUCKING RABBITS SKULL-FUCKING INDIAN BABIES WHILE SHOUTING RACIAL EPITHETS. HOWEVER, IF THAT WERE THE CASE… WELL YOU GET THE FUCKING IDEA THEN.

So why be angry at WORDS? They are surely the innocent victims in this situation. They have no means with which to defend themselves, outside of dictionaries, which, let’s face, it are ways of converting single words into even MORE words. Dictionaries aren’t a fucking defence. THEY ARE A FUCKING BREEDING PROGRAM FOR WORDS, AND NONE OF IT IS OF ANY FUCKING USE UNLESS YOU ALREADY KNOW FUCKING WORDS.

THAT is why I feel that it is the words at fault. THEY ARE A FALSE ECONOMY. They make you feel like you’re saying something, BUT THE SOMETHING HAS NO FUCKING MEANING IF YOU DON’T KNOW ANY WORDS. EVERYTHING COULD BE COMPLETELY FUCKING WRONG, AND YOU WOULD NEVER FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT IS BY USING MORE FUCKING WORDS.

THE WHOLE THING IS A FUCKING VICIOUS CYCLE WHICH WOULD BE EASILY AVOIDED IF WE STOPPED USING WORDS ALTOGETHER, AND FIGURED OUT A WAY OF COMMUNICATING BY IMPLANTING OUR EXACT INTENTION STRAIGHT INTO PEOPLES MINDS IN A WAY WITCH THEY WILL FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

I WANT TO SCREAM INTO YOUR FUCKING BRAIN, YOU USELESS PILE OF MAGGOTY PUS, DRIPPING IN VAGINAL JUICES, AND SOAKED IN MENSTRUAL BLOOD UNTIL WHICH POINT THAT YOU DISSOLVE AND BECOME ONE WITH YOUR FUCKING PREDECESSOR’S SANITARY WASTE.

The great irony here is that you have no way of being sure that you actually understood what I meant there, because your grasp of the English language has already been royally CUNTED OVER BY FUCKING WORDS.

FUCK YOU, WORDS.

FUCK.

YOU.

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