The Daily Jerk

MOTHERFUCKER

Don’t go under the bridge, that’s where trolls live!

by on Aug.02, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, I'm 12 wat is this?, kids books, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, Stories for children, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Under the bridge is where trolls live, just like under the trap door in my garage is where I hide the bodies of neighborhood cunt beasts whose frisbees end up in my yard. It’s where they live in terms of sleeping, eating, and scaring goats, but not where they work. Where trolls really live is on the Internet, and what they eat is reactions. The sooner people learn this, the sooner we can get on about our lives without having fucking idiots telling us about “Cyber Security”, “Cyber Bullying”, and “Cyberspace Etiquette” every time some dead shit parent lets their retarded cunt spawn have a webcam in their bedroom.

All these supposed “Cyber Experts” seem to be old, confused, and still like to think of the Internet as that blue ‘e’ on their desktop which they can use to get to “the facebooks”. The advice they all spout has no real relevance to the way the Internet works, and is somewhere between kindergarten sand pit problem solving (tell the teacher), and the suggested response for terrorism (red alert bring in the SWAT teams and maybe Jack Bauer). Every little incident must be reported to the feds, because they seem to be so efficient at solving “Cyber Crimes”. Of all the problems in the world that people try to solve with prevention and education, this is one of the only ones where that might be the right way to go.

You see, the problem is that the Internet isn’t LIKE the playground. You can’t give someone a slap on the wrist for misbehaving, because you don’t make the rules. You can’t make rules based on your own morals or society because MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET AREN’T PART OF YOUR SOCIETY AND PROBABLY DON’T SHARE YOUR MORALS. Trying to FORCE them to see things your way is both AS IGNORANT AS A FUCKING ROCK, and NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WELL WORK.

Of course, these simple facts have never stopped certain people in various countries from TRYING to control the Internet, usually with a call of “SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” The thing is that these people who hatch plans to control the Internet invariably know ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT IT. They are probably the same type of retards who think that you can make unlimited free energy using magnets. They don’t listen to people who ACTUALLY FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING because they’ve labeled THEMSELVES THE FUCKING EXPERTS. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO ANYONE FUCKING ELSE? THEY MADE UP THEIR MIND AND BUILT THEMSELVES A WEBSITE IN MICROSOFT FUCKING FRONT PAGE, SO THEY MUST BE THE FUCKING EXPERTS.

ALSO HOW THE FUCK DO THESE CUNTS SPEND 8 HOURS A DAY “WORKING” ON A FUCKING STATIC WEBSITE? WHAT DO THEY DO? CLICK AROUND THE PAGES TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING THERE? I WRITE CONTENT EVERY FUCKING WEEK DAY, AND I DON’T SPEND 8 FUCKING HOURS, EVEN WHEN I’M ASSUAGING MY NEED TO STARE CONSTANTLY AT THE FUCKING STATISTICS. IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT FUCKING LONG TO “RUN” A FUCKING WEBSITE. THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LABELED YOURSELF AN EXPERT ON “CYBER” FUCKING ANYTHING IS A TESTAMENT TO YOUR FUCKING INEPTITUDE AS A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE LINED UP AND FUCKING SHOT BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY OF NO USE TO THE REST OF FUCKING SOCIETY. OH, SOMEONE WAS MEAN TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE FUCKING CUNT BEAST ON THE INTERNET? WELL IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNT SPAWN ISN’T PLAYING IN THE BAD AREAS. YOU CAN’T BLAME A FUCKING LORRY DRIVER FOR HITTING YOUR CHILD IF YOU LET THEM PLAY ON A 6 LANE FREEWAY, BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE SAME APPLIES TO THE FUCKING INTERNET. YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCKING CUNTS SHOULD EDUCATE YOURSELVES ABOUT WHERE IT’S SAFE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS BALL OF LARD AND FUCKING HAIR TO PLAY, OR YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING COMPUTER.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF YOU FEEL THAT INTERNET ACCESS IS A RIGHT FOR YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN, IF YOU CAN’T SPELL INTERNET, OR DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “GOOGLE” AND A WEB BROWSER, THEN YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ELECTROCUTED BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.

Computers and the Internet are handy tools, but like any other fucking tool, they’re not safe for children to use unsupervised. If you don’t feel that you can watch your child every fucking second of the day, then GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ARSE OFF THE COUCH, STOP WATCHING TODAY TONIGHT, AND FUCKING MONITOR WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE FUCKING DOING. SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH EFFORT? THEN DON’T FUCKING WELL LET YOUR KIDS USE THE DAMNED THING. DO WE NEED TO PUT FUCKING MASSIVE WARNING LABELS ON COMPUTERS SO THAT YOU KNOW THAT BAD THINGS CAN FUCKING HAPPEN? IF WE DID DO THAT WOULD YOU EVEN FUCKING READ THEM? IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A NAIL GUN SAFELY WOULD YOU LET YOUR 10 YEAR OLD PLAY AROUND WITH IT UNSUPERVISED? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO.

WHEN DID THE WORLD GET SO FUCKING DENSE? WHEN DID COMMON SENSE GET SO FUCKING RARE? SINCE WHEN DID CLAIMING TO BE AN EXPERT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY MAKE IT SO? WHEN WILL EVERYONE GET JUST SO SANE THAT I CAN STOP YELLING PROFANITIES AT YOU ALL? WILL ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS BE LESS RHETORICAL? I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!

YOU FAT BASTARDS.

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Guest Post: Shopping Centre Car Parks

by on Jul.27, 2010, under FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Guest Posts, MOTHERFUCKER

Dear People who drive against the arrows in shopping centre car parks.

I do appreciate that the arrows are fairly pointless and at the best arbitrary, does anyone really think that some shopping centre manager has worked out the flow of the traffic? of course not. Lets face it they are all failed real estate agents or former managers of fast food places and as such unquestionably dim.

What shits me is the range of reactions you get when you turn with the arrow and some pedant is coming the other direction straight at you.

You get

a) the embarrassed oops i didn’t mean to do this oh look at silly little me reaction which is accompanied by a stupid arse smile, an insulting shrug of the shoulders and occasionally a mouthed sorry.

b) the complete blind i can’t see you reaction as if the person is trying to act like nothing much has happened. Often practiced by the old who also use the I have had a long and worthwhile life and so be allowed to do whatever selfish action I like pose

c) the glare of how dare you go with the arrows and get in my way. This is usually done by the people driving the ironically named four wheel drive (and usually have prams which are way too big.)

I won’t mention the people who give you a cheery wave as they cruise past, they will find their place in hell with out my assistance.

It is these people, non conformists to shopping carpark etiquette, who are throwing our society into anarchy and all should either be rammed by your car or at the very least leave your trolley right behind their car when you have finished unloading it.

That will serve the fucktards right

Regards
Captain Angry Ranty Pants

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Censoring the Internet – what you need to know.

by on Jul.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Hello, horoscopes, How did this become 'The Birds' slash-fiction?, Illuminati, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, SHUT UP, STOP IT, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Today I would like to talk about Internet Censorship. After talking to my legal department, however, it has been decided that some of the conversation may spark unwanted knowledge, which could affect the course of this blog. In response, I have taken the liberty of removing all these nonsense bits which could make you think, and leaving just the basic, easy to digest parts of the conversation. Here we go.

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A wise man once said you were a cunt.

by on Jul.20, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

I am all for quotes. If someone says something witty, deep, profound, whatever, then it’s only natural for people to want to share the insight. I like quotes. I DON’T like stupid cunts who don’t properly attribute quotes. I hate it when they try to pretend that they came up with the insight on their own. You obviously aren’t that deep, or even particularly likeable. Stop fucking doing it, you shit burger.

Not attributing a quote isn’t the worst part, though. People can still ask “Who said that?”, which both forces the quoter to divulge their source, and also subtly calls them out as a useless pile of human excrement. No, the one that really gets to me is when people quote fictional characters as if they came up with the line themselves.

The quote came from a CHARACTER. They DO NOT EXIST. Quoting them as if what they say has a DEEP MEANING IN THIS WORLD IS JUST FUCKING RETARDED, BECAUSE THEY DO NOT EXIST IN THIS FUCKING WORLD. THE QUOTE WAS WRITTEN BY A WRITER, YOU FUCKING STINKING SEMEN STAIN. BUZZ LIGHT YEAR DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. JUST BECAUSE HE SAYS “TO INFINITY AND BEYOND” DOESN’T MEAN THAT IT HAS ANY FUCKING RELEVANCE TO ANYTHING EVER. IT’S TOTAL FUCKING NONSENSE. YOU CAN’T GO TO INFINITY, IT’S NOT A FUCKING PLACE. YOU SURE AS FUCK CAN’T GO BEYOND INFINITY, BECAUSE THEN IT’S OBVIOUSLY NOT FUCKING INFINITE THEN.

I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK THAT IT’S SOMEHOW INSPIRING THAT A FICTIONAL TOY HAS NO GRASP ON THE CONCEPT OF INFINITY, YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT. STOP QUOTING IT, THINKING THAT IT FUCKING WELL MEANS ANYTHING. IT DOESN’T, YOU HOPELESS FUCKING SHIT HEEL.

Even this isn’t the worst thing that people do though. The worst one, the absolute STAB YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING EYE WITH A RUSTY PENIS one is when someone ATTRIBUTES A QUOTE FROM A FICTIONAL CHARACTER TO THE ACTOR WHO PORTRAYED THEM. I can’t get my head around it. Sure, the actor TECHNICALLY said it, but IT STILL ISN’T THEIR FUCKING INSIGHT, AND IT STILL DOESN’T FUCKING APPLY TO THE REAL WORLD BECAUSE THEY WERE SAID AS A FUCKING CHARACTER IN A FICTIONAL PIECE OF WORK. OH, PLEASE FUCKING KILL YOURSELF BEFORE YOU ATTRIBUTE ANY MORE QUOTES TO JOHNNY DEPP, OR HEATH LEDGER, OR BRAD FUCKING PITT.

I AM GLAD THAT YOU FUCKING GET THE POINT THAT TYLER DURDEN ISN’T A REAL PERSON, NOT EVEN IN THE FICTIONAL WORLD, BUT THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MEAN THAT EVERY LINE HE SPOUTS CAN BE ATTRIBUTED TO BRAD FUCKING PITT, YOU FUCKING STUPID, DELUDED CUNT. JUST FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY, OK? I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. I DON’T WANT TO READ IT ON FACEBOOK, AND EVERYONE WHO FOLLOWS IT UP WITH COMMENTS ABOUT “HOW TRU” OR HOW IT INSPIRES YOU, CAN FUCKING CHOKE ON A GIANT PAIR OF SWEATY FUCKING TESTICLES. I FUCKING HATE YOU, AND YOU ALL DESERVE TO DIE.

You can fucking quote me on that.

CABBAGE.

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My Torment: hearing computer jargon get butchered on films and television.

by on Jul.13, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It bugs me, OK? If you have a main character who is meant to be a computer wiz, then it stands to reason that they should seem like they know something about computers. Happily, script writers have realised that, and fill characters’ speech with junk jargon, stringing together buzz-words, and the occasional terms which have hit main-stream popularity. Sadly, they never check with any actual nerds to find out if what is being said makes even THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF FUCKING SENSE.

Once, people thought it gave credibility to a character if they mention google. Now it’s myspace, facebook, or youtube. Whatever is popular. If they’re a hard-core hacker, then they’ll “know unix”, or will “de-fragment the mainframe to reverse the IP polarity, and use that to back-door through the firewall so they can crack the encryption on the database password, thus letting us ftp into the suspect’s computer remotely and read their files.”

It makes no fucking sense. FUCKING NONE. YET SOME STUPID CUNT RECOGNISES “DE-FRAGMENT”, “FIREWALL”, AND “ENCRYPTION”, AS COMPUTERY WORDS, SO IT’S ALL FUCKING OK THEN, ISN’T IT?

It doesn’t stop there, either. Almost every TV show or movie in history that has a “computer wiz” has shown a process of “ENHANCE THE PHOTO”, like it’s something that can be fucking done in seconds on ANY OLD FUCKING COMPUTER, WITH ONLY A FEW FUCKING TYPED COMMANDS. PROCESSING POWER, INTERFACE, AND PHYSICAL CAPABILITY BE DAMNED. PLOT IS MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT. ONE OF THESE DAYS I’LL BUILD A PROGRAM WHICH “ENHANCES” PHOTOS BY RECREATING THEM AS FUCKING GOATSE. SEE HOW YOU CUNTS FUCKING LIKE IT THEN.

Computers aren’t the only victim to useless cunts who think that faking it badly can get you through. The other big one is music. Violins and guitar in particular. The concept should be pretty simple. Move fingers or hands when notes change, and if you pluck a string with your finger in different places, you should be able to tell the difference between high and low notes. EVERY TIME I SEE SOMEONE BADLY FAKING A GUITAR SOLO BY MOVING THEIR HAND AROUND LIKE A RETARDED, COKED OUT MONKEY, I AM A LITTLE HAPPIER BECAUSE AT LEAST THEY’VE REALISED THAT “FAST BIT MEANS HAND MOVES”. THE CUNTS WHO ARE STILL PRETENDING TO PLAY CHORDS THAT DON’T EXIST CAN FUCK OFF THOUGH. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU TAKE ONE FUCKING LESSON, AND AT LEAST UNDERSTAND THE BASICS OF THE INSTRUMENT? IF YOU ARE A MAIN CHARACTER, AND PLAYING GUITAR OR VIOLIN IS A BIG PART OF YOUR SCHTICK, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LEARN HOW TO FUCKING HOLD THE THING PROPERLY? EVERY TIME YOU DON’T YOU ARE JUST MAKING EVERY MUSICIAN WATCHING HATE YOU JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.

Some movies get it right. They make the actors ACTUALLY LEARN HOW TO PLAY, EVEN IF HORRIBLY. That’s all I ask. You are getting paid fuck loads of money, so just pretend like you care about what you’re doing on screen more than you care about which small Moroccan boy you’ll snort your next line off the butt crack of.

I know that some people think that it isn’t worth much to make these small things right, but just imagine if they let everything go as badly as they let these two areas. Imagine if in “Julie and Julia” the main character (one of them) threw a live chicken into a deep fryer, and called it lightly poached. No-one would buy it, but that’s exactly what is happening every time a movie hacker “re-routes the USB signal to the Wifi multiplexer, before getting tracked by a TRACER TEE!”

Just because you vapid cunts don’t understand what you’re saying doesn’t mean that it makes technical sense. Fuck off and die.

Or I’ll hack all your IPs into the modem and re-boot the registry engine device. Remotely.

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The Patriot Act (Acting like you’re patriotic, when you’re really a cunt)

by on Jul.12, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It is said that there is a fine line between patriotism and being a cunt. I think that is bullshit, because it’s perfectly easy to like, love, and support your country without being an ignorant pile of anal leakage. In fact, I find that feeling patriotic is quite far removed from feeling like plastering your car with bumper stickers shouting the slogans “Australia: Love it or leave it”, or the ever witty “Fuck off, we’re full”.

There is a difference there. There are a few differences, actually, but the main one is that if you have the bumper stickers mentioned above, you are most likely a FUCKING USELESS BOGAN CUNT. The most hilarious part of this is that the proud bearers of the “Fuck off, we’re full” slogan, often have NO CONTROL OVER HOW MANY SHIT STAINED CUNT-BEASTS THOSE USELESS MAGGOTY FUCKS SPIT OUT. Apparently, despite our vast brown lands, we have absolutely no-where to fit even our measly sum of just over 20 million people. Any more useful members to society will just have to fuck off again, so that there’s enough room for us to spit out hundreds of under-educated, spin swallowing, watchers of A Current Affair. If we don’t stem the flow of trained migrants, there may not be enough jobs left to say we applied for on the Centrelink forms.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the JOBS that are the problem. No-one wants to DO the jobs. Getting some dirty migrant to actually WORK these jobs is largely a good call. The problem is that if the jobs get FILLED, then what are we going to apply for each fortnight? Jobs that we might actually be suited to? That would mean that we might GET the jobs, which would mean that we can’t be on Centrelink any more.

It’s this kind of rampant stupidity which I detest. I don’t HATE our country at all. I really genuinely love it, and know that I have a much better way of life than the vast majority of the rest of the world. I hate some (not all) of the inhabitants of this country, and that’s not the slightest bit unpatriotic. It’s just hating STUPID FUCKING CUNTS WHO KEEP SCREWING IT UP FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

It’s easy to see the difference between true patriotism, and vaguely disguised racist hate-talk. For example, there is a brilliant piece of Australian literature which goes something like this:

I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel sea,
Her beauty and her terror –
The wide brown land for me.

This is patriotic. Notice how it talks about the beauty of the country. It acknowledges that it can be scary, but the author loves the country anyway. Then we get to pieces like this:

Fucking bogan scum

Or this:

Somehow, people seem to think that the only way to tell the world how truly special your country is is to beat the fuck out of everyone who isn’t from it, and tell them to get out. This, obviously, makes them want to be part of your country even more. They never will be, though, because you and your mates will stick around to make sure that they’ll get the living fuck beaten out of them if they show their face again. After all, that’s the true Australian way.

You fucking cunts.

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First! And other things that should result in you being shot.

by on Jul.09, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MOTHERFUCKER, My skepticisim isn't the slightest bit dogmatic - how dare you, SHUT UP, Skeptic logic is infallible, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Wow! You commented first! What a position of power, of responsibility! Everyone will see your comment, meaning that it is the most important comment on the page. Too bad YOU FUCKING WASTED IT BY ADDING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF VALUE TO THE CONVERSATION, YOU USELESS, MAGGOTY, MOUTH-BREATHING, OXYGEN THIEVING, FUCKING THATCHER SLUTCUNT.

WOW NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT YOU REALLY ARE A BARELY FUNCTIONAL RETARD, WITH NO VALID INPUT INTO ANYTHING. NO LONGER WILL YOUR FRIENDS BE WONDERING IF YOU ARE A FUNNY GUY WITH AN ODD SENSE OF HUMOUR, OR AN AUTISTIC MONKEY ON CRACK. YOU WILL HAVE ADVERTISED TO THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE IN FACT ONE OF THE MOST USELESS HUMAN BEINGS ALIVE.

ON THE CHART OF USELESS PEOPLE, YOU ARE RIGHT UP THERE WITH JUSTIN BIEBER AND JUNKIES. THEN IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH, PEOPLE START COMPETING FOR SECOND PLACE. SECOND FUCKING PLACE! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? DID A PIANO GET DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD? PERHAPS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. FOLLOWED BY AN AXE, AND A FUCKING NUCLEAR WARHEAD. PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD.

This is why I am against public healthcare. It’s also why I’m against warning labels. Let stupid people look after themselves for about 2 years, and the world will be a whole heap smarter for it.

So this list of people who are more useless than balls on a truck; who are they? The list is longer than you can imagine (because you have a very limited imagination, not because it’s a massive list), so here is an abridged version.

People who are stupid cunts, and should not be allowed to live.

In no particular order:

  • People who put balls on a truck (or any vehicle for that matter)
  • People who put balls on a phone.
  • People who cut me off when I’m driving.
  • People who don’t indicate properly on roundabouts.
  • People who indicate right when going into a round about, when they’re not actually taking an exit to the right.
  • People who compete for the first comment on any post anywhere on the Internet.
  • People who, once they see that the first position has already been called by about six people, attempt to call “second”. Seriously, this happens.
  • People who comment on things just so they can see their name.
  • People who don’t even finish reading a headline before posting a comment.
  • Justin Bieber
  • People who think that it’s unfair that their opinions aren’t worth more than someone else’s.
  • People who actually complain that it is UNFAIR to THEM that OTHER PEOPLE need help.
  • People who CAN’T WAIT THEIR FUCKING TURN IN LINE.
  • People who TRY TO PRETEND THAT THERE ISN’T A LINE, AND ACT SHOCKED WHEN THEY GET TOLD THAT THERE IS ONE.
  • PEOPLE IN GENERAL CAN FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.
  • People who think that their moral views should be made law.
  • People who like Justin Bieber.
  • People who are really touchy with people they barely know.
  • People who exaggerate the truth.
  • Journalists on current affairs shows.
  • People who CAN’T USE COMMON FUCKING SENSE OR A BIT OF LOGIC, BUT STILL TRY TO ARGUE THE POINT WITH YOU.
  • People who start “discussions” (read: arguments) with no intention of allowing their point of view to change.
  • People who preach their point of views without being willing to listen to someone else’s.
  • People who make wild assumptions about someone else’s point of view based on their own idea of what the person is like.
  • PEOPLE WHO SHOULD DIE COLD, ALONE, AND IN A GIANT FUCKING HOLE FILLED WITH THE CORPSES OF OTHER PEOPLE LIKE THEM.
  • People who get offended by the word “cunt”.
  • Advertisers.
  • People who believe advertisements.
  • People who believe anything that they read without the slightest bit of suspicion.

The full list is much longer, but this gives you the basic idea. Your aim in life should be to live well, and not end up on this list.

Now FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.

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Buy our crap! You know you need it because we told you that you do!

by on Jul.08, 2010, under CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, how are you today?, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Advertising can fuck off. It really can. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU CUNTS? Thanks to advertising, we have fucking retarded shit burgs buying the new iPhone 4, not because their old iPhone is broken, or because it’s particularly incapable of performing the same actions, BUT BECAUSE SOME FUCKING CUNT IN MARKETING TOLD THEM THAT THEY SHOULD.

I’m actually offended by the lengths that some advertisers will go to try to get money out of people. They don’t tell straight out lies, but FUCK do they ever misrepresent the truth, WHICH IS FUCKING WORSE. If someone tells you a lie, you can call it out as a lie AND BE ON YOUR FUCKING WAY. IF THEY’RE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, BUT IN A MISLEADING WAY, THEN SAYING ANYTHING JUST MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A WHINY LITTLE BITCH. THEY FUCKING KNOW THIS, AND THAT’S WHY THEY FUCKING WELL DO IT.

How do you sell hand soap? Everyone already KNOWS that washing your hands is a good thing, so there can’t be much more demand there. You call your soap ANTI-BACTERIAL, despite the fact that it doesn’t really do anything extra. Then you tell people that it MAGICALLY STOPS YOU FROM GETTING SICK. This HAS to be do with the anti-bacterial claim, right? NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T YOU CUNTS. WASHING YOUR HANDS WITH ANY OLD FUCKING SOAP WILL HAVE THE SAME EFFECT. IT’S NOTHING MAGIC, NEW, OR SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR PRODUCT, SO STOP PRETENDING THAT IT FUCKING WELL IS.

What about paracetamol? It’s a standard drug, and EVERY manufacturer has the same dose. SO WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE THINK THAT THE MORE EXPENSIVE BRAND WILL MAGICALLY WORK BETTER? OH THIS BRAND MUST BE BETTER OTHERWISE WHY WOULD THEY CHARGE SO FUCKING MUCH MORE? THEY SELL IT FOR MORE BECAUSE YOU BUY IT FOR MORE, BECAUSE YOU THINK THERE MUST BE A FUCKING REASON WHY IT COSTS MORE. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON, YOU STUPID CUNTS. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE US THAT YOUR PILLS ARE SOMEHOW MAGICALLY BETTER, DESPITE CONTAINING THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT AS ANY OTHER FUCKING BRAND. IF IT WAS DIFFERENT, STRONGER, OR WHATEVER IT WOULD BE FUCKING ILLEGAL TO SELL AS PARA-FUCKING-CETAMOL.

THERE SHOULD BE LAWS AGAINST MISLEADING ADVERTISING. IF YOU TRY TO ADVERTISE A FEATURE AS UNIQUE TO YOUR PRODUCT WHICH ISN’T, I SHOULD GET TO PUNCH YOUR FUCKING FACE INTO YOUR MOTHER’S WOMB. WITH A FUCKING SLEDGE HAMMER.

Worse are the ads who just assume that everyone is a TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT. Sure, I can understand that assumption (YOU CUNTS ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS), but to not even attempt to sugar coat it? Ads that TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE? DO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SHAME? NO TACT? ARE YOU FAT FUCKING CUNTS JUST SITTING BACK AND LAUGHING AT HOW STUPID PEOPLE ARE? I BET YOU FUCKING WELL ARE, TOO.

WELL FUCK YOU. YOU CUNTS DESERVE TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE, BUT YOU WOULD PROBABLY SPIN THAT INTO A GOOD THING ANYWAY (“BUCKSHOT IS THE NEW BEAUTIFUL”), AND THEN TRY TO SELL IT TO POOR FUCKING SAPS FOR TEN TIMES THE PRICE OF THE AMMUNITION.

THESE SOULLESS CUNTS ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, AND ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN CURRENT AFFAIRS “JOURNALISTS”, WHO VAGUELY RESEMBLE THE VOMIT AND PUSS THAT COMES OUT OF THE ANUS OF AN ADVERTISER AFTER YOU STAB THEM INTO A WELL JUSTIFIED DEATH. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK, BUT THAT’S PROBABLY JUST A FEATURE, ISN’T IT?

NEXT YOU WILL BE ADVERTISING FAULTS AS A FUCKING INTENTIONAL DESIGN CHOICE (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, APPLE). I MIGHT BE SOUNDING A BIT LIKE BILL HICKS HERE, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. IF YOU ARE IN ADVERTISING OR MARKETING, YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF RIGHT FUCKING NOW, AND DO THE WORLD A HUGE FAVOUR.

FUCK OFF AND DIE, YOU MAGGOTY CUNTS. STOP PLAYING ON FEARS, AND TRY TO MAKE A DECENT FUCKING PRODUCT INSTEAD.

In the paraphrased words of John Lennon:

You may say that I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll fuck off
And leave the world alone

Also, die.

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“Scare” quotes, and other things that “journalists” should stop doing before I stab them all in the fucking face.

by on Jul.05, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Scare quotes are an interesting thing. They change the perception of meaning, without actually having to change the meaning. Stupid cunts with no fucking integrity (“Journalists”) use them to imply conflict of interest when there is none. They use them to make idiots think that there is news in the stupidest places. For this, I blame the Internet entirely. Once, news articles went through editors, who’s job it was to fact-check articles, and make sure that they weren’t just masturbatory cunt puss.

Now we have the Internet, where “Everyone has the scoop”™, which has led to cluster-cunts claiming to be journalists, and every non-noteworthy piece of bile being treated as breaking, headline fucking news. Then we were faced with a problem, where there was so much noise, that NO-ONE KNEW WHAT NEWS WAS IMPORTANT. Every piece of irrelevant drivel was ENTIRELY INDISTINGUISHABLE from EVERY OTHER PIECE OF TUMOUR INDUCING, SELF PLEASURING, SEMEN ENCRUSTED, VOMIT STAINED, POINTLESS CRAP THAT IS GETTING TOUTED AS NEWS. So to combat this, people decided that you had to make EVERYTHING SCANDALOUS. WHAT EASIER WAY OF CREATING SCANDAL THAN BY IMPLYING IT WHERE NONE EXISTS.

THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS REPORT ON THE IMPLICATION OF SCANDAL, RATHER THAN REPORTING ANYTHING OF USE TO ANYONE FUCKING EVER. Just think about it; which of these headlines would be most likely to get you to read?

  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from new tax
  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from new “tax”
  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from “new” tax
  • Politician says public have “nothing to fear” from new tax
  • Politician says “public” have nothing to fear from new tax
  • “Politician” says public have nothing to fear from new tax
  • “Politician” says “public” have “nothing to fear” from “new” “tax”

They all say the same words, they all mean the same thing, but every one SEEMS like it’s saying something different. THEY ARE ALSO ALL TRYING TO SEX UP SOME OTHERWISE BULLSHIT PIECE OF NON-NEWS BY MAKING IT SEEM THAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE FUCKING SCARED. THEY ARE LIKE AIR QUOTES, BUT YOU CAN’T FUCKING PUNCH THE CUNT WHO USES THEM IN THE FACE. OH HOW I WANT TO PUNCH THEM IN THEIR STUPID FUCKING FACES.

IT’S PEOPLE LIKE THIS WHO CAUSE NON-NEWS TO BE PARADED AROUND LIKE IT’S WORTH HALF A FUCK (THE SECOND HALF, WHERE EVERYTHING IS STICKY AND SHAMEFUL, AND THE CAT KEEPS LOOKING AT YOU LIKE IT WILL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN). YOU MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNTS ARE THE ENTIRE PROBLEM. IT HAS NOW SPREAD INTO TRADITIONAL PRINT PAPERS, SO WE CAN’T EVER FIND A SINGLE SKERRICK OF ANYTHING THAT EVEN SLIGHTLY RESEMBLES ACTUAL FUCKING INFORMATION. YOU CUNTS DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE, AND THE WORLD WOULD BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU “JOURNALISTS” (THAT’S THE CORRECT WAY TO USE QUOTES, BECAUSE YOU VAPID, LIFELESS CUNTS HAVE LESS JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY THAN THE DIARRHOEA THAT YOU VOMIT ALL OVER THE PAGE) WERE LINED UP AND SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEADS.

This kind of useless fucking time wasting has spawned into an even worse form of Television “journalism” (again, using the correct, contemptuous, form of scare quotes). Current fucking Affairs. Every time I see one of these programs, it makes me want to vomit blood and piss through my eyeballs. THAT WOULD BE MORE FUCKING ENJOYABLE. They not only waste time, BUT THEY FUCKING LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING JUST TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THERE IS A FUCKING NEWS STORY, OR AN INJUSTICE IN THE WORLD WHERE THERE’S NOTHING BUT STUPID FUCKING BOGANS WHO CAN’T HELP BUT SPIT BABIES OUT OF THEIR EARS RATHER THAN CLEANING UP, GETTING JOBS, OR PAYING THE FUCKING RENT. HERE’S A TIP: IF THEY PAID THEIR FUCKING RENT, THEN THEY WOULDN’T BE GETTING EVICTED. IF THEY STOPPED EATING SOLIDIFIED FUCKING FAT, THEN THEY WOULDN’T HAVE DOCTORS TELLING THEM TO LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT.

THEY ARE NOT THE FUCKING VICTIMS, YOU USELESS PACK OF CUNT BLOODIED, SHIT EATING, MAGGOT FILLED, CHILD RAPING, ARSE FISTING, CRACKED OUT, SEMEN STAINED, URINAL CAKE GOBBLING, FUCKING THATCHERIST, CONSERVATIVE, MINDLESS, TOSSER, VENOMOUS, PENIS BREATHED, FLUFFY BUNNY LOVING, DISGRACES TO THE NAME OF FUCKING HUMANITY, ANIMALS, INTELLIGENT LIFE FORMS, OR ANYTHING ELSE ALIVE, INCLUDING FUCKING AMOEBAS.

NOT EVEN THAT CAN SUM UP THE CONTEMPT THAT I HAVE FOR YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTS. THERE ARE NO WORDS IN EXISTENCE, NOT EVEN CABBAGE, WHICH CAN QUANTIFY EXACTLY HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. I WOULD SAY THAT YOU SHOULD ALL BE FUCKING SHOT, BUT IT’S A WASTE OF PERFECTLY GOOD BULLETS THAT WOULD HAVE MORE VALUE BEING FIRED AT ROCKS. DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE, YOU VACUOUS CUNTS. AT LEAST THEN SOME FUCKING RETARD CAN FEEL THE WARMTH, AND YOU WILL HAVE DONE SOME FUCKING GOOD IN YOUR LIVES.

Still, though. I just can’t sum it up. Sure, every life is precious, blah, blah, blah, but there are some lives which would be more precious as firewood. If you have ever tried to drum up more interest in a non-news topic by implying through scare quotes or blatant lies that the story is something else, I ask you to please, PLEASE, think of the state of humanity, and self-immolate. It’s not too late to rid the world of your until-you-are-on-fire-you-are-absolutely-uselessness by burning yourself, preferably in a giant pile made out of all your friends, family, and anyone who has ever encouraged you.

I hate you all.

Fuck off.

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MOVIE REVIEWS

by on Jun.29, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, how are you today?, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Today, I will enter into the world of the unknown, and bring you with me, as I review movies. At the end of today, the unknown will be misnamed, and the known will be trying to take it’s place. I’m not going to waste any more time, so here’s the first review.

Shutter Island

I watched this last night. The movie started out with the main guy going to a mental institution, and having hallucinations. Because of this, it came as no surprise that the twist was that he was actually an inmate there, and was crazy all along. I was expecting a second twist, where he was really sane the whole time, and the conspiracy he was trying to unravel the entire movie was real. That never happened, though, so it ended pretty badly, I guess. Because he was hallucinating the whole time, it was actually pretty hard to tell which parts were meant to be real and which parts were meant to be hallucinations, which makes me think that the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE DIDN’T ACTUALLY HAPPEN AT ALL. The director was spending too much time trying to be spooky and artistic, and all the suspense was thrown off by the fact that the main guy’s dead girlfriend showed up right near the start, and she wasn’t burnt to death like he said she was, but sopping fucking wet, with a bleeding gut. Then she turned into ash WHICH JUST CONFUSED THE ISSUE FUCKING MORE. I really wish they would just FIGURE OUT THEIR FUCKING METAPHORS, AND STOP TRYING TO BE ARTSY.

I think I may have away some given spoilers there, but if you wanted to watch the movie, you should have thought better than that.

Sex And The City 2

I’ll just put this out there. I haven’t seen Sex and the City 2. I haven’t seen Sex and the City 1. I haven’t really seen more than various clips from Sex and the City, the TV show. I can sum up everything I know about the franchise here:

  • They get naked sometimes.
  • They’re all pretty old now, so this isn’t really a good thing.
  • Sarah Jessica Parker looks a lot like a horse.
  • I am not the target market.

So with all those things in mind, I will attempt to review this movie.

Ok, so when the movie starts, I assume that everyone involved is still in whatever city it is that they live in. It’s probably New York, or San Francisco. They are the only two cities in America that I know of where people can get their tramp on and get rewarded. I’m pretty sure that they’re not the same city, either, but you can never really tell. San Francisco has a bridge, I think. Anyway, the plot advances when they decide that they’re going to the middle east for whatever fucking reason that they can come up with. They probably want to power-whore their way to finding Osama Bin Laden, so they can kill him with their veritable petri-dish of STD infected cunts.

Anyway, their reasons for wanting to become sluts in another time zone is shrouded in the mystery which can only be unravelled by watching the movie without shooting yourself in the fucking face. So going to the middle east could only really mean one of two locations. Either they’re going to Iraq to help the troops get their sick-leave earlier, or they’re off to Dubai, because, well let’s face it, that’s the only other place in the Middle East where anyone ever wants to go.

The place where they go at this point could totally change the outcome of the movie, so I’m going to write a parallel movie review from this point.

Iraq Dubai
The “girls” (like you can really call middle-aged whores who look like overripe horses “girls”) get drafted into some form of tour of duty which requires that they peddle their wares to troops who really should know better than to stick their penises into disease-ridden prune cunts.

Anyway, they get shot at a bit, and one of them gets a gaping wound blasted in their face by some fucking shrapnel. This is officially the coolest part in the entire fucking movie.

They all get the sads about it, and then they realise that the wound is about the size their vaginas once were, so they over-come by getting hundreds of men to come over it. They probably learn some valuable lesson about over coming (or coming over) adversity, and then they all die from AIDS.

The “whores” (I feel that this is a pretty appropriate name for them, really) decide to get their skank on in Dubai, because they hear that there are lots of rich men there, and they’re not having sex with anyone but their wives.

When they arrive, they realise that they aren’t allowed to drink anything, so their alcohol-based blood streams start to shut down. In desperation, they kill Samantha, and try to eat her liver. They are able to get at least a years supply of alcohol for a normal drunk out of it, but due to their rampant and insatiable whoreiness, they are unable to satisfy their appetites for more than an hour.

Carrie learns about her powers of telekinesis, but is unable to control them properly, and ends up impaling herself on a large, mechanical dildo.

The other two girls try to solicit sex from the hotel manager, who calls the police. They are both thrown in jail, where they learn the truth about life or something. Then they die from AIDS.

I can’t be certain that that’s how the movie goes, but I’m pretty sure that no-one has ever watched it through entirely, so I’m probably pretty safe here.

I think that is all that I need to say about the Sex and the City Franchise.

I hope you enjoyed my film reviews.

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