The Daily Jerk

MOTHERFUCKER

Staking your claim on the web

by on Jun.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Identities should be restricted to one person. I can see the point of one person having multiple identities on the web, but I can’t see why multiple people would want to share an identity. I hate it when I’m trying to stalk find someone online, and I instead find six other people using the same fucking user name.

I use the name “hugejerk” in many places, and so far I am the only one using that name that I’ve come across. This is how it should be. I found a name, staked it out, and EVERY OTHER CUNT ON THE INTERNET CAN FUCK OFF. I have other user names which, however unique they were when I started using them, are now used by other STUPID FUCKING SHIT MUNCHERS who are dirtying up MY GOOD FUCKING NAME with “bebo” accounts, and FUCKING RETARDED QUESTIONS ON FORUMS.  Added with their INABILITY TO STAY IN THE ONE FUCKING SPOT ON THE WEB FOR MORE THAN FIVE FUCKING SECONDS, I have my own personal brand CORRODED BY FUCKING HUNDREDS OF STUPID FUCKING SEARCH RESULTS. DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS TO GOOGLE FOR MYSELF WHEN SOME STUPID KID IS DILUTING MY FUCKING NAME WITH PUERILE FUCKING QUESTIONS ON “AVENGED CUNTFOLD” MESSAGE BOARDS? HOW THE FUCK AM I MEANT TO KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT ME IF HALF THE RESULTS ARE NO LONGER ME?

The problem is only worsened when we get to other people. Some useless CUNT BEAST adds me on some chat program or other, because their FUCKING SHIT-CUNT FRIEND started using the same name as me, just with a different fucking suffix. THEN THEY THINK I’M FUCKING LYING WHEN I TELL THEM THAT I DON’T KNOW WHO THE FUCK THEY ARE. THEY FUCKING ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT WHO I AM, AND THEN WHEN I TELL THEM, THEY THINK I’M JUST PLAYING A HUGE FUCKING JOKE. That’s when I usually say “Lol! u got me! hay look at my pic” and send them to goatse, or lemonparty. This usually gets them off my back.

Sometimes, though, I decide that I want to know who this FUCKING IMMATURE CUNT who is talking to me ACTUALLY FUCKING IS, just to prove to them that the Internet isn’t as fucking safe as they think. It usually takes about five minutes with google to find all the stupid sites where they signed up. Facebook usually drops the “finding out who they are” task to about five seconds now (thank fuck for bad privacy settings and everyone on the Internet thinking “WHO WOULD WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME LOL”). But still, I run into the SAME FUCKING NAME DILUTION PROBLEM.

Some people would claim that this is security through obscurity, but personally I think that it’s MORE FUCKING PROOF THAT PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT SHOULD BE FUCKING LINED UP, SHOT IN THE LEGS, AND THEN FED TO SOME VERY HUNGRY, AND VERY ANGRY MEAT ANTS. It doesn’t prove that you are safe from predators, it shows that THERE ARE EVEN MORE PEOPLE JUST AS FUCKING STUPID AS YOU ARE, YOU USELESS, FUCKING OXYGEN THIEVING, HERPES RIDDEN, WANKING, TODGER-BREATHED, WASTE OF DNA, MAGGOTY CUNT. EVEN WORSE, THEY ARE ALSO USING THE SAME FUCKING USER NAME AS YOU, SO YOU CAN’T EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW FUCKING USELESS YOU ARE.

JUST ASSUME THAT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE IS YOU, THAT YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ALIVE, AND BURN DOWN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE TO MAKE SOME SPACE FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN GRASP THE BASIC CONCEPT OF “RATIONAL FUCKING THOUGHT”. I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT IF YOU CAN’T GRASP SIMPLE THINGS LIKE THAT, YOU SHOULD BE GIVEN THE SAME FUCKING OPPORTUNITIES AS EVERYONE ELSE. IT’S INEFFICIENT WASTAGE. THE ONE FUCKING PRODUCTIVE THING YOU COULD DO FOR THE WORLD IS TO CHAIN YOURSELF INTO YOUR CAR AND DRIVE OFF A CLIFF.

People may think that this is harsh, but that is because THOSE PEOPLE KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT THEY ARE ONLY ONE FUCKING RETARDED POST AWAY FROM BEING ASSIGNED THE SAME FUCKING FATE.

I feel that if someone has used your user name anywhere else on the net, you have total rights to set fire to their stupid fucking face, just for making you look bad. If they make you look better, however, then you still have first dibs on the name, but you must be pretty fucking retarded, so I don’t think anyone will care that much if you get killed off.

In other news, did you know that drinking large quantities of battery acid helps you to lose weight? You should do it, and stop bothering me any more.

Leave a Comment more...

Flagged for your consideration

by on Jun.24, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

Guess who? Yes, me again. If you’ve not read my stuff before (why not you CRETIN?), then grant me a moment to introduce myself. I’m just like everyone else here – a jerk. Except different. And by different I mean better. Why? Because I’m right, obviously. Do I have to explain everything? (*sigh* yes, clearly I do. Let’s get on with it)

Today I’d like to talk to you about flags. Big flags, little flags, the flags that explorers waved from the tops of mountains to tell everyone else trying to get there that they should just bugger off and go home because they clearly LOST, and the flags that the Romans invented because they were an EMPIRE dammit And the flags that you see on cars.

For years the only cars with flags were diplomatic vehicles, but lately there has been a disturbing trend. Cheap flags.

So I have to ask. HOW IS FLYING A TACKY PLASTIC NATIONAL FLAG THAT WAS CHEAPLY MADE IN CHINA AND GIVEN AWAY IN A WEEKLY FASHION MAGAZINE,  IN ANY WAY PATRIOTIC?

No you MAGGOTS, you don’t represent the country – you’re not in any way a representative of anything except of the United Unthinking Community of Moronia. You have no special standing and the only people running along side your car are your kids after you closed the door on the jackets they were still wearing and drove off to your SO FUCKING IMPORTANT appointment with your private nail-care specialist. All you are is a TWERP who has a plastic flag sticking out of the window thinking it’s the height of suave. In fact it’s such a useless thing that I bet I’d not even be able to STAB you with it if you came in range of me. Not that I’d want to of course, too great a risk of contracting some form of TWERPES from you. I shudder. I really do.

But in all fairness, I’d tolerate these things on Australia Day, but any other day of the year? nah. PISSOFF!

Now here’s a first – I correct myself. I don’t really tolerate them on Australia Day at all. In fact, their proliferation at that time just makes it more obvious to me just how dumb an idea they are in the first place.

But in actual fairness (since when has this blog ever been about fairness? Well, don’t try and tell me that I have to be one-eyed about this or I’ll take my ONE EYED MEMBER AND FUCK YOUR OESOPHAGUS AFTER I REMOVE THE MORE USELESS PARTS OF YOUR SKULL, WHICH ROUGHLY SPEAKING IS (but is not limited to) YOUR BRAIN! But I digress) part of this dislike is due to a simple dislike of the Australian flag as it currently exists. This is not to say that a better flag design would nullify this rant. I just might be a little less vocal about it.

A new flag design huh? Now that’s a REAL ISSUE SONNY, and we’ll have none of that crazy talk around these parts.

There are also sporting team flags seen on cars on occasions (and not just on sportsball day!), and the people who fly those are even more special than those I’ve previously noted. So special in fact that there is a special word reserved for these very very special people. That word is …CUNTS!. I don’t feel the need to elaborate any more. The place is full of them.

Now get off my lawn.

2 Comments more...

100% pure cunt block

by on Jun.24, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MOTHERFUCKER, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

I don’t consider myself a writer, so I don’t think that it’s fair to call my current lack of inspiration “writers block”. I am, however, frequently a complete cunt. I am having trouble with being a cunt today, so what I have is obviously cunt block.

What a day to get it on, too. I could make all sorts of witty remarks about politics, but FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE is doing that already. So rather than contribute to the mass of noise that is EVERYONE CRAPPING ON about something which I will allude to only, but never name, I felt that today would be better spent discussing other things. Hopefully one of these things will so anger me, make me so incensed, so infuriated at the world, that I will actually end up saying something funny. Or at least I’ll end up writing all capitals in a large, red font.

Let’s be honest, you aren’t here to get witty political intrigue. You are here because, for some demented reason, you actually seem to like it when I start shouting in text. I figure that this blog is like a car-crash for some people. A car crash which goes on for months and never actually gets interesting.

It just proves that people love drama. This is why the news, TV, and other media is the way it is. Telling people about nice things doesn’t fucking cut it any more. PEOPLE WANT TO SEE BLOOD, AND GUTS, AND VEEEEIIINS IN MY TEETH. I often wondered why, in history, people went to see public executions for FUN. Going to WATCH PEOPLE DIE A HORRIBLE FUCKING DEATH, not because they did anything to you personally, but because YOU HAVE NOTHING FUCKING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.

That’s when I realised that you people haven’t fucking changed at all. You still slow down at fucking car crashes in the hope of seeing a SEVERED FUCKING LIMB. IT’S NOT EVEN PUNISHMENT ANY MORE. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK. MAYBE YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO BECOME A FUCKING ACCIDENT VICTIM YOURSELF BY SLOWING DOWN SO MUCH ON A MAJOR FUCKING HIGHWAY. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ACCIDENT YOU IN THE FUCKING CUNT WITH A LEAD PIPE? WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? WOULD IT?

CAN YOUR POINTLESS FUCKING LIFE BE SATISFIED IN SUCH A SIMPLE FUCKING MANNER? PERHAPS I SHOULD RUB BROKEN GLASS IN YOUR FUCKING EYEBALL FOR THAT “SKIDDED UP THE BITUMEN” LOOK. IF YOU’RE REALLY LUCKY, I’LL EVEN BREAK YOUR FUCKING FINGERS SO YOU CAN NEVER PLAY THE PIANO AGAIN.

You are a total fucking cunt, you know that? I thought I was bad, but you fucking REVEL in other’s misery. I just don’t think people like you should be allowed to fucking live in this world. I think you should be executed. Make a real show of it, too. Music, popcorn, splatter goggles. Serves you fucking right, you cunt.

1 Comment more...

Splash pages, “skip this ad”, and focus-stealing pop-ups

by on Jun.16, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE

STOP FUCKING DOING IT OR I WILL MURDER YOUR CHILDREN, EAT THEM, THEN SHIT THEM DOWN YOUR THROATS. You CUNTS who still seem to think that the best way to advertise is to OBSCURE YOUR FUCKING CONTENT need to FUCKING KILL YOURSELVES, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

I don’t get it. I really am at a loss. The REASON that people come to your site is to view your content. YOUR CONTENT. NOT YOUR FUCKING ADS. I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO KEEP YOUR VIRUS RIDDEN CUNTS ABOVE THE LINE OF “OUR SHIT-SMEARED GRINS GOT WIPED OUT BECAUSE OF MEDIOCRE REPORTING”, BUT THE ANSWER ISN’T TO ATTEMPT TO FORCE ADS ON PEOPLE. IT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK, IT JUST DRIVES MORE PEOPLE AWAY FROM YOUR SITE. EVERY TIME I HIT A SITE THAT ATTEMPTS TO DRAW MY ATTENTION TO AN AD RATHER THAN THE CONTENT, I BLOCK IT. SIMPLE AS THAT. THAT WHOLE SITE IS FUCKING GONE. I WON’T VISIT AGAIN BECAUSE I CAN’T; I CAN’T BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO; I DON’T WANT TO BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL A USELESS BUNCH OF CUNTS WHO DON’T DESERVE ANY REPEAT BUSINESS. EVER.

But what if I miss “the scoop”? What if THAT SITE has a unique take on some piece of news that I can’t find anywhere else on the net? I’ll tell you, in all the time that I’ve been blocking CUNT DROOLING MOUTH-BREATHER sites that force ads into my face, I don’t feel that I’ve missed ONE SINGLE FUCKING WORD OF ORIGINAL COMMENTARY ON ANY FUCKING ISSUE FUCKING EVER. It’s another interesting point about these sites. They are so focused on getting that ever important advertising dollar, that they seem to absolutely forget about the ONE FUCKING THING that readers view as important. DECENT FUCKING CONTENT.

The number of times that I have stumbled around the Internet, only to find almost ENTIRELY THE SAME FUCKING ARTICLE on no less than TEN FUCKING DIFFERENT WEBSITES. Well let’s just say that if I had a penny for every time, I WOULD HAVE SO MUCH USELESS FUCKING CURRENCY THAT TAKES UP SPACE AND CAN’T BE SPENT BECAUSE PENNIES ARE NO LONGER LEGAL FUCKING TENDER IN THIS COUNTRY.

These sites DO NOT FUCKING DESERVE TO SURVIVE as they offer NOTHING NEW AT ALL TO ANY FORM OF CONVERSATION, AND OFTEN JUST QUOTE DIRECTLY FROM THE ORIGINAL FUCKING ARTICLE, OR MORE LIKELY A COPY OF THE ARTICLE WHICH THEY FOUND ON ANOTHER SITE WHICH IN TURN IS QUOTING OFF ANOTHER SITE AND SO FORTH UNTIL YOU CAN’T FIND THE ORIGINAL SOURCE OF THE INFORMATION AND CAN’T VERIFY ANY OF THE BULLSHIT CLAIMS THAT THE CUNTISH MORONS WHO HAVE BEEN PLAYING CHINESE WHISPERS WITH THE NEWS HAVE MADE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT WE WILL PROBABLY HAVE FLYING CARS IN ABOUT THREE WEEKS BECAUSE THECUNTISHCUNT.COM SAID THAT ON THEFUCKINGTARDFACE.COM THERE WAS AN ARTICLE ABOUT HOW CUNTCUNTCUNTCUNTCUNT.ORG FOUND SOME OUT OF DATE ARTICLE FROM IPROBABLYFUCKINGMADEITUP.NET ABOUT SOME RESEARCH THAT WAS ABOUT MAGNETS WHICH MENTIONED THE WORD CARS OR MAYBE CARBON, SO OBVIOUSLY IT’S ABOUT FLYING CARS, DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE RESEARCH WAS CANNED IN 1862, AND THE RETARD WHO FOUND IT PASSED IT AROUND AS A FUCKING JOKE? DID YOU FUCKING KNOW?

I DIDN’T, BECAUSE I COULDN’T FUCKING GET TO THE PAGE BECAUSE SOME CUNT HAD PUT A SPLASH AD IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING PAGE, AND I BLOCKED THE SITE OUT OF REVULSION.

DO YOU SEE MY POINT? THESE SITES DO NOT DESERVE TO SURVIVE, AND EVERYONE WOULD BE MUCH FUCKING BETTER OFF IF THEY WERE ALL BLOCKED FOREVER BY EVERYONE.

It is with this in mind that I propose the “UNORIGINAL MONEY GRUBBING FUCKING CUNT WHORES” extension for both firefox and chrome. It will essentially stop people from visiting sites which have no fucking value but try to charge you for it anyway.

Let the cunts deal with that.

CABBAGE.

Leave a Comment more...

Your questions are burning (A HOLE IN MY FUCKING SKULL WITH THEIR STUPIDITY)

by on Jun.14, 2010, under CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

So yesterday (conveniently a weekend) marked a month since my first post on this site. A few days ago, I asked people to ask me things. These are some of the questions that I received, and as a bonus, some answers to them.

Q: Have you ever wondered why a turtle has a neck?
A: No. I know why turtles have necks. It’s so stupid fucking middle-class white people can pretend to have something in common with poor black people (who make up for their lack of monetary wealth with a boon of musical talent). They function only as foreskins for cunts with no sense of fashion.

Q: Why are you such a (insert MAGGOT-TITS GOVERNMENT MARTHA STEWART here) SHAGPILE MAGGOT-TITS?
A: I have trained VERY LONG and VERY FUCKING HARD to develop tit-maggots. Now you SWAN THE FUCK IN HERE and pretend like IT’S A FUCKING BAD THING, YOU CUNT. IF I WANT TO GET A GOVERNMENTAL ORDER TO INFECT MARTHA STEWART’S TITS WITH MAGGOTS, THEN I HAD BEST HAVE SOME TIT MAGGOTS FUCKING READY AT HAND. I will, however take your suggestion for a shagpile tit-maggot delivery method under consideration.

Q: Why do I always smell bacon?
A: Because you are a giant, disgusting, fucking HAM BEAST. You probably have half a side of pork shoved in your cunt, just in case you need it for emergencies. YOU MAKE ME SICK.

Q: Stupid people – how do they live?
A: In cars, apparently. They fucking wouldn’t if I had anything to do with it. Take the warning labels off everything, and let the problem sort itself out. By shooting everyone who complains about there no longer being any warning labels or instructions. Actually, taking the instructions off things wouldn’t make any difference because the STUPID FUCKHEADS WHO INHABIT THIS CUNTING PLANET NEVER READ THE FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS ON ANYTHING ANYWAY.

So that’s it for now. If you want to ask questions, there’s still the following ways:

Now fuck off.

Leave a Comment more...

How to endanger children, make stupid decisions, and get away with it

by on Jun.11, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT

This is the story. A mother of two children loses her house. This is sad, and possibly not her own fault. Normally in this situation, one would ask friends, relatives, anyone for help. She didn’t. She claimed that she was ashamed that she had lost her house, and didn’t want to embarrass herself further by asking for assistance.

This in itself is a little bit FUCKING RETARDED, but I know of other people who would act in a similar manner, so who am I to judge1? Now she drags her two kids into this as well because even though, as she herself has said, her ex is a good father and would have happily taken the kids, SHE DECIDED THAT HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING RIGHT TO KNOW THAT THEY WERE HOMELESS NOW, AND WENT SO FAR AS TO SUPPLY HIM WITH A FAKE FUCKING ADDRESS. Then as if that amount of SLUT BAGGERY wasn’t fucking enough torment for her children, she then decided that while she was too embarrassed to ask anyone who knew her for help, SHE WASN’T TOO FUCKING EMBARRASSED TO NOTIFY A MAJOR FUCKING NEWSPAPER.

THAT is how the CHILDREN’S FUCKING FATHER found out that the UNFIT WHORE MOTHER of his TWO CHILDREN was endangering HIS FUCKING CHILDREN, LYING TO HIM, AND PLASTERING THEIR SOB STORY ALL OVER THE FUCKING PAPERS. NOW HER POOR FUCKING CHILDREN WILL BE KNOWN AMONG THEIR DIMINISHING NUMBER OF SCHOOL FRIENDS NOT ONLY AS THE “TWO KIDS WHO ARE STARTING TO GET A BIT WHIFFY”, BUT AS THE FUCKING STUPID HOMELESS CUNTS WHO’S MOTHER SHOULD BE SHOT IN THE FACE WITH SUPERMAN’S SHOTGUN-POWERED FUCKING EJACULATE.

Oh wow, you’re getting an outpouring of support are you? How about an outpouring of CHILDREN’S PROTECTIVE SERVICES REMOVING YOUR RIGHT TO CONTACT YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN EVER AGAIN, LEST YOU STAB THEM, LET THEM BLEED FOR A WEEK, AND THEN FUCKING TELL THE PAPERS THAT YOU WERE TOO EMBARRASSED TO GO TO A HOSPITAL, SO INSTEAD YOU LET YOUR CHILDREN’S WOUNDS FESTER.

YOU SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED NEAR ANYONE, LET ALONE YOUR OWN FUCKING CHILDREN. THEN TO TOP IT OFF, YOU WORK IN A FUCKING DOCTORS SURGERY? IF YOU MIX UP A PATIENT’S RECORDS, WILL YOU NOT FIX IT OR TELL ANYONE BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO FUCKING EMBARRASSED? WILL YOU GO TO THE PAPERS AND TELL THEM THAT MISS CUNTERBLAST ACTUALLY HAS CANCER, AND ABOUT THREE DAYS TO LIVE, BUT SHE DOESN’T KNOW THIS BECAUSE YOU ACCIDENTALLY SWAPPED HER RECORDS WITH MRS WHOREBURGER, WHO KILLED HERSELF LAST NIGHT BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO GO ON HER OWN TERMS? “WHOOPSIE!” YOU WILL SAY. “WHAT A SILLY KERFUDDLE!”

HOW ABOUT YOU GET THROWN INTO A FUCKING SHARK-SNAKE-TIGER-SPIDER-SPIKE PIT BEFORE YOU CAN DO ANY MORE FUCKING DAMAGE TO SOCIETY.


1Pro tip: I’m on the Internet, I GET TO JUDGE FUCKING EVERYONE.


References:

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/mum-who-slept-in-car-thanks-victorians-for-offers-of-help/story-e6frf7jo-1225878168964 – The story on the FUCKING FRONT PAGE of the Herald Sun, which presents her CUNTING OVER of her children as some form of feel-good “aren’t we all just so fucking special like the kids in special ed. only with less common sense” story. FUCKING CUNTS.

http://benpobjie.blogspot.com/2010/06/cold-cockles.html – Where I found out about this fucking travesty of humanity. Mr. Pobjie also “tears her a new one”, as it were, only he’s actually coherent. You should read this too.

2 Comments more...

A quick quiz

by on May.28, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MOTHERFUCKER, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Now today, I wish to administer a quick quiz. Don’t worry, it won’t be hard.

There are images in this quiz, it’s kind of a “spot the difference”.

For this reason, I’m going to use one of those “split post” things that, so far, I have avoided using.

(continue reading…)

2 Comments more...

Looking for something?

Use the form below to search the site:

Still not finding what you're looking for? Drop a comment on a post or contact us so we can take care of it!

Archives

All entries, chronologically...