The Daily Jerk

Pirates

Voting with your heart

by on Jul.19, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, Pirates, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH

Over the weekend, most people here in Australia would have been made aware of an impending election. This shouldn’t really come as a surprise  to them though, as it is something that happens every 3 years or so. In a previous post, I covered the major political parties, and why you shouldn’t vote for any of them. Seeing as adding your own candidate, or marking a “None of the above” choice isn’t allowed in this country, I felt that it was time to explore which candidates you SHOULD consider voting for in this crap-shoot of awful politicians. There are only three major players worth noting. I’m not telling you which one to vote for, because I think that they’re all a useless bunch of cunts, but hopefully I can help one of them to capture your heart.

Julia GillardJulia Gillard - Taking heart theft seriously

If you believe the hype, Julia Gillard is the candidate who is meant to steal your heart. I, of course, plan to take this literally. and am rather scared of her. She is currently leading the country after killing deposing Kevin Rudd. She is female, which means that feminists everywhere make a huge deal about her. For some reason being the first female prime minister is a bigger deal than being the elected prime minister, but if she’s successful in the next few months, then I guess she’ll be both. This attitude is also kind of degrading to all of the other women in politics because it’s just telling them that being a woman in power is more important than being a good politician or doing a good job. The logic here has always escaped me, but that is probably a rant for another time.

The other inescapable thing about Julia Gillard is how much her nose looks like a shark. I’m not saying this to be mean, not that she would ever read this blog; it’s just a casual observance, like how everyone ever realises that Sarah Jessica Parker looks a whole heap like a horse, and has never actually been hot. If anything, looking like a shark could work to her advantage, as people are afraid and respectful of sharks. In terms of political action, she’s doing her absolute best to reverse all the policies that made Kevin Rudd unpopular, in the hope that it will make people like her. The fear angle would probably work better. Anyway, you should vote for her if:

  • The idea of an elected female is more important to you than a good leader.
  • You vote labor every time anyway because that’s what your parents did.
  • You are scared of sharks, and think that keeping them happy is the best way of keeping them away.
  • You are an executive of a mining company.
  • You really enjoyed the movie Jaws.

Tony Abbot

Tony Abbot is leading the opposition. Leader is perhaps a bit of a strong term, as it implies that he has a plan, solid opinions, and anyone would actually want to follow him. This isn’t to say that he’s without principals. He has plenty of principals, but none of them are particularly useful for running a country, at least not one in the 21st century. He loves to tell everyone about how he is manly, and how he knows best for women, children, and pretty much everyone. In terms of self righteousness, he can mix it with the best of them, which is pretty standard in most politicians. The difference with Abbot is that while most politicians at least pretend to craft their opinions to match popular opinion, he just spouts whatever idea pops into his head, no matter if it is popular or not. He mixes the smugness of Kevin Rudd with the “never say sorry” attitude of John Howard, then wraps it up with some exotic birds in tight underwear. You should vote for Tony Abbot if:

  • You know best, no matter what anyone else says.
  • You think that speedos should be part of the national dress.
  • You always vote Liberal, just because.
  • You believe that everyone else should hold your morals, no matter what.

Bob Brown

Bob Brown leads the Greens. This is a party which doesn’t field enough candidates to ever hold power. They are, however, the largest of the minor parties, and usually hold enough seats so that they can carry or block any contentious piece of proposed legislation. As such, while they have no power to introduce any of their own policies, the two major parties usually have to play nice by the Greens in order to get things done. Because they will never be the leading party, they can happily offer policies which are popular in theory, but would piss off a lot of people if they were ever made law. It’s probably not necessarily a bad thing if those people get pissed off, but it doesn’t make for a sustainable country. Vote for Bob Brown if:

  • You eventually decided to stop supporting the major parties directly.
  • You want your vote to count a little bit more than if you voted for the Sex Party.
  • You love all that hippy crap.
  • You love to feel good about yourself, but are afraid of any real change.

I hope that this helps you decide better how to waste cast your vote. All the candidates are pretty bad, so it’s pretty much like picking turds out of a barrel. No matter which one you ultimately pick you’re still holding a handful of crap, and that can’t be sanitary.

21 Comments more...

You dang-nab pirates be stealin’ all me flickies! You kids ain’t got no respect!

by on Jul.15, 2010, under CABBAGE, Hello, Ol' Grand-pappy, Pirates

Whelll-ee boy-o! I dun gone figured you out! You kids been stealin’ all me flickies on them thar internets, and I won’t stand for it no more, I won’t! Ol’ Grand-pappy Copyright Law here, and I says you gots to stop pilferin’ me flickies and me audio-maticals or all me friends dun gone be broke and all des-tee-tuted.

I don’t know where you pirates came from, but I don’t like you, not one bit. I don’t hold with this internetty thingy, and I don’t think you kids got no respect no more for what I thinks. Well, dang-nab-it! I’m gunna have me mah say, and you darn kids ain’t gunna do nothin’ about it! You are gunna set your buts down, and listen to what I has ta say, allright?

Allright. Wells I been around fer a long time, an I gone done good by the people who done make stuff. I may be old, but I thinks I’m still sharp. Ya see, th’ problem ain’tn’t that I’m out of touch, but that you done gone be usin’ things what I don’t know how to use, and I think you oughtta stop it. All you kids on your internets and your mobile tele-whatsits and your gosh darn portable music boxes. Well mah friends down at the music and the flickies in-dust-rees done told me that they is all about broke cause you darn kids been not listenin to mah advice.

I asked them about tha billions o’ dollars they still be gettin’ but they tells me that they really is quite broke. Well as I see it, it’s ’bout time I stepped in and made sure you kids done been playin by tha rules here. Why if you be gettin’ things without all the ad-vertis-ments, and bein’ able to watch them wherever you want, then how ever’s all mah friends that owns all the music and tha flickies meant to make them billions? You see, they’s got to control hows you see their stuff so they can gets all the moneys that they can for it. If you kids are gunna keep going ’bout takin’ things and usin’ them how you want just cause you paid for them, y’all will miss all the extra bits which is how all the com-pan-ee friends o’ mine is meant to get more money from y’all.

That ain’tn’t fair now is it? I means, when you sells your truck, you don’t want no stinkin’ varmint which buys is to go all abouts usin’ it to get to church, as well as workin’ on his thar ranch. He’s gots to get hisself a church car for church. And what if he dun gone removed your pic-i-chure from the sun visers just cause he don’t have no more need to remember who he gots his truck from? Well I says he should have to look at your pic-i-chure and any other which what you says he should look at, especially other trucks you’s got for sale.

Weelll, boy-o, that’s what you bin’ done doin’ to mah in-dust-ree friends, over thar. I says it ain’t fair cause they solds it to you, so you gots to use it as they solds it.

You kids better learn you some respect real quick-smart, or I’m gunna whump ya. Now GIT!

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