The Daily Jerk

Self help advice

Don’t go under the bridge, that’s where trolls live!

by on Aug.02, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, I'm 12 wat is this?, kids books, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, Stories for children, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Under the bridge is where trolls live, just like under the trap door in my garage is where I hide the bodies of neighborhood cunt beasts whose frisbees end up in my yard. It’s where they live in terms of sleeping, eating, and scaring goats, but not where they work. Where trolls really live is on the Internet, and what they eat is reactions. The sooner people learn this, the sooner we can get on about our lives without having fucking idiots telling us about “Cyber Security”, “Cyber Bullying”, and “Cyberspace Etiquette” every time some dead shit parent lets their retarded cunt spawn have a webcam in their bedroom.

All these supposed “Cyber Experts” seem to be old, confused, and still like to think of the Internet as that blue ‘e’ on their desktop which they can use to get to “the facebooks”. The advice they all spout has no real relevance to the way the Internet works, and is somewhere between kindergarten sand pit problem solving (tell the teacher), and the suggested response for terrorism (red alert bring in the SWAT teams and maybe Jack Bauer). Every little incident must be reported to the feds, because they seem to be so efficient at solving “Cyber Crimes”. Of all the problems in the world that people try to solve with prevention and education, this is one of the only ones where that might be the right way to go.

You see, the problem is that the Internet isn’t LIKE the playground. You can’t give someone a slap on the wrist for misbehaving, because you don’t make the rules. You can’t make rules based on your own morals or society because MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET AREN’T PART OF YOUR SOCIETY AND PROBABLY DON’T SHARE YOUR MORALS. Trying to FORCE them to see things your way is both AS IGNORANT AS A FUCKING ROCK, and NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WELL WORK.

Of course, these simple facts have never stopped certain people in various countries from TRYING to control the Internet, usually with a call of “SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” The thing is that these people who hatch plans to control the Internet invariably know ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT IT. They are probably the same type of retards who think that you can make unlimited free energy using magnets. They don’t listen to people who ACTUALLY FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING because they’ve labeled THEMSELVES THE FUCKING EXPERTS. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO ANYONE FUCKING ELSE? THEY MADE UP THEIR MIND AND BUILT THEMSELVES A WEBSITE IN MICROSOFT FUCKING FRONT PAGE, SO THEY MUST BE THE FUCKING EXPERTS.

ALSO HOW THE FUCK DO THESE CUNTS SPEND 8 HOURS A DAY “WORKING” ON A FUCKING STATIC WEBSITE? WHAT DO THEY DO? CLICK AROUND THE PAGES TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING THERE? I WRITE CONTENT EVERY FUCKING WEEK DAY, AND I DON’T SPEND 8 FUCKING HOURS, EVEN WHEN I’M ASSUAGING MY NEED TO STARE CONSTANTLY AT THE FUCKING STATISTICS. IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT FUCKING LONG TO “RUN” A FUCKING WEBSITE. THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LABELED YOURSELF AN EXPERT ON “CYBER” FUCKING ANYTHING IS A TESTAMENT TO YOUR FUCKING INEPTITUDE AS A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE LINED UP AND FUCKING SHOT BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY OF NO USE TO THE REST OF FUCKING SOCIETY. OH, SOMEONE WAS MEAN TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE FUCKING CUNT BEAST ON THE INTERNET? WELL IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNT SPAWN ISN’T PLAYING IN THE BAD AREAS. YOU CAN’T BLAME A FUCKING LORRY DRIVER FOR HITTING YOUR CHILD IF YOU LET THEM PLAY ON A 6 LANE FREEWAY, BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE SAME APPLIES TO THE FUCKING INTERNET. YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCKING CUNTS SHOULD EDUCATE YOURSELVES ABOUT WHERE IT’S SAFE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS BALL OF LARD AND FUCKING HAIR TO PLAY, OR YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING COMPUTER.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF YOU FEEL THAT INTERNET ACCESS IS A RIGHT FOR YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN, IF YOU CAN’T SPELL INTERNET, OR DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “GOOGLE” AND A WEB BROWSER, THEN YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ELECTROCUTED BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.

Computers and the Internet are handy tools, but like any other fucking tool, they’re not safe for children to use unsupervised. If you don’t feel that you can watch your child every fucking second of the day, then GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ARSE OFF THE COUCH, STOP WATCHING TODAY TONIGHT, AND FUCKING MONITOR WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE FUCKING DOING. SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH EFFORT? THEN DON’T FUCKING WELL LET YOUR KIDS USE THE DAMNED THING. DO WE NEED TO PUT FUCKING MASSIVE WARNING LABELS ON COMPUTERS SO THAT YOU KNOW THAT BAD THINGS CAN FUCKING HAPPEN? IF WE DID DO THAT WOULD YOU EVEN FUCKING READ THEM? IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A NAIL GUN SAFELY WOULD YOU LET YOUR 10 YEAR OLD PLAY AROUND WITH IT UNSUPERVISED? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO.

WHEN DID THE WORLD GET SO FUCKING DENSE? WHEN DID COMMON SENSE GET SO FUCKING RARE? SINCE WHEN DID CLAIMING TO BE AN EXPERT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY MAKE IT SO? WHEN WILL EVERYONE GET JUST SO SANE THAT I CAN STOP YELLING PROFANITIES AT YOU ALL? WILL ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS BE LESS RHETORICAL? I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!

YOU FAT BASTARDS.

1 Comment more...

Live every day like it’s your last

by on Jul.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, how are you today?, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, The one who calls wolf quite often

That’s the advice you’ll get from me! Live EVERY DAY like it’s your last day alive! Don’t hold back, just do it! You might die today, and have all these things left undone. It will torment you forever!

So it is all well and good to talk about living every day like it’s your last, but what does it really mean? Well that depends on how you want to be remembered. Do you want everyone to remember you fondly, and gather around occasionally to share the good memories? Well in that case, you need to die from a horrible terminal disease. Current popular ways to die are AIDS, cancer, or pretty much anything which is gradual, painful death. This gives people a chance to gather around you, while making it difficult for you to ruin the happy image that you want people to remember by being, well, you.

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t have the AIDS! How am I meant to pull this off?”

Well the answer is simple. Stay in bed all day, refuse to eat, and take heavy pain killers. You will develop a sickly pallor, be very vague, and lose muscle mass. Tell everyone that you don’t want to cause a fuss to anyone, least of all the medical system. The longer you are in this state, the more people will talk about how strong you are, fighting off the horrible disease. Of course, if you stick around too long, people will start to wonder. They will try to bring in nurses and doctors; after a while you won’t be able to turn them down, as you won’t have much of an idea what is going on any more. If this eventually happens, it is probably best to wander off while no-one is looking, and try to start a new life somewhere else. You could also try the miraculous recovery route, which lets you move into all sorts of fields like motivational speaking.

What if you don’t really care how people remember you? Well do I have the plan for you! You see, there is a little thing in this world called inhibition. It’s what stops you from doing what you want when you want. It’s what keeps you afraid that tomorrow will be another day, and that you will have to live through it. Happily, when you are living your final day, this inhibition is pretty useless, meaning that you can do whatever you want. So when you are living like it’s the last day you’ll be alive, all you have to do is drop all inhibitions. At a bakery? Think that eating four meat pies, three doughnuts, and a half-dozen caramel slices might not be a good idea? Well just go for it! You won’t be alive tomorrow to regret it!

Don’t have the money to pay for all of it? Who cares! Punch the baker in the face, and take keep eating. There’s no need to run away, or rob them, because you won’t be alive tomorrow. Just keep doing whatever you want. It doesn’t matter! After this, you should go to the pub. Have a few drinks, and pay for nothing. You’ll probably be dead tomorrow, so you are just trying to make the most of the limited time you have left. Who cares it it is 10AM? If it’s later, then you are already wasting your precious time.

Once you are drunk, that should help you to drop the last few inhibitions that you may be holding on to. Track down any girls (or boys) that you ever had a thing for. This is the last day you will have a chance, so you better not waste it! Remember to shout “Surprise!” when they see you, and if you still have clothes on at this point, then that’s more time wasted.

Call everyone who cares about you, and tell them exactly how you feel. It doesn’t matter if you make them cry, because they are fat and deserve to know it, besides they’ll be the only ones around to feel like jerks tomorrow; this is the last day that you are alive! Call the step father who touched you at night; tell him that you had herpes then, and he has it now. Call your mother and tell her that she ruined your life for not getting you that ultra-deluxe BMX when you were seven. Today is all about you, because this is the absolute last day you’ll get to live!

That is what it means to live every day like it’s your last. Of course, you will wake up the next day, but you just have to keep doing the same thing. You probably won’t be alive for much longer anyway.

1 Comment more...

Looking for something?

Use the form below to search the site:

Still not finding what you're looking for? Drop a comment on a post or contact us so we can take care of it!

Archives

All entries, chronologically...