The Daily Jerk

Sparkly fuckstains

Don’t go under the bridge, that’s where trolls live!

by on Aug.02, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, I'm 12 wat is this?, kids books, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, Stories for children, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Under the bridge is where trolls live, just like under the trap door in my garage is where I hide the bodies of neighborhood cunt beasts whose frisbees end up in my yard. It’s where they live in terms of sleeping, eating, and scaring goats, but not where they work. Where trolls really live is on the Internet, and what they eat is reactions. The sooner people learn this, the sooner we can get on about our lives without having fucking idiots telling us about “Cyber Security”, “Cyber Bullying”, and “Cyberspace Etiquette” every time some dead shit parent lets their retarded cunt spawn have a webcam in their bedroom.

All these supposed “Cyber Experts” seem to be old, confused, and still like to think of the Internet as that blue ‘e’ on their desktop which they can use to get to “the facebooks”. The advice they all spout has no real relevance to the way the Internet works, and is somewhere between kindergarten sand pit problem solving (tell the teacher), and the suggested response for terrorism (red alert bring in the SWAT teams and maybe Jack Bauer). Every little incident must be reported to the feds, because they seem to be so efficient at solving “Cyber Crimes”. Of all the problems in the world that people try to solve with prevention and education, this is one of the only ones where that might be the right way to go.

You see, the problem is that the Internet isn’t LIKE the playground. You can’t give someone a slap on the wrist for misbehaving, because you don’t make the rules. You can’t make rules based on your own morals or society because MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET AREN’T PART OF YOUR SOCIETY AND PROBABLY DON’T SHARE YOUR MORALS. Trying to FORCE them to see things your way is both AS IGNORANT AS A FUCKING ROCK, and NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WELL WORK.

Of course, these simple facts have never stopped certain people in various countries from TRYING to control the Internet, usually with a call of “SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” The thing is that these people who hatch plans to control the Internet invariably know ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT IT. They are probably the same type of retards who think that you can make unlimited free energy using magnets. They don’t listen to people who ACTUALLY FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING because they’ve labeled THEMSELVES THE FUCKING EXPERTS. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO ANYONE FUCKING ELSE? THEY MADE UP THEIR MIND AND BUILT THEMSELVES A WEBSITE IN MICROSOFT FUCKING FRONT PAGE, SO THEY MUST BE THE FUCKING EXPERTS.

ALSO HOW THE FUCK DO THESE CUNTS SPEND 8 HOURS A DAY “WORKING” ON A FUCKING STATIC WEBSITE? WHAT DO THEY DO? CLICK AROUND THE PAGES TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING THERE? I WRITE CONTENT EVERY FUCKING WEEK DAY, AND I DON’T SPEND 8 FUCKING HOURS, EVEN WHEN I’M ASSUAGING MY NEED TO STARE CONSTANTLY AT THE FUCKING STATISTICS. IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT FUCKING LONG TO “RUN” A FUCKING WEBSITE. THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LABELED YOURSELF AN EXPERT ON “CYBER” FUCKING ANYTHING IS A TESTAMENT TO YOUR FUCKING INEPTITUDE AS A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE LINED UP AND FUCKING SHOT BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY OF NO USE TO THE REST OF FUCKING SOCIETY. OH, SOMEONE WAS MEAN TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE FUCKING CUNT BEAST ON THE INTERNET? WELL IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNT SPAWN ISN’T PLAYING IN THE BAD AREAS. YOU CAN’T BLAME A FUCKING LORRY DRIVER FOR HITTING YOUR CHILD IF YOU LET THEM PLAY ON A 6 LANE FREEWAY, BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE SAME APPLIES TO THE FUCKING INTERNET. YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCKING CUNTS SHOULD EDUCATE YOURSELVES ABOUT WHERE IT’S SAFE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS BALL OF LARD AND FUCKING HAIR TO PLAY, OR YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING COMPUTER.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF YOU FEEL THAT INTERNET ACCESS IS A RIGHT FOR YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN, IF YOU CAN’T SPELL INTERNET, OR DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “GOOGLE” AND A WEB BROWSER, THEN YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ELECTROCUTED BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.

Computers and the Internet are handy tools, but like any other fucking tool, they’re not safe for children to use unsupervised. If you don’t feel that you can watch your child every fucking second of the day, then GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ARSE OFF THE COUCH, STOP WATCHING TODAY TONIGHT, AND FUCKING MONITOR WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE FUCKING DOING. SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH EFFORT? THEN DON’T FUCKING WELL LET YOUR KIDS USE THE DAMNED THING. DO WE NEED TO PUT FUCKING MASSIVE WARNING LABELS ON COMPUTERS SO THAT YOU KNOW THAT BAD THINGS CAN FUCKING HAPPEN? IF WE DID DO THAT WOULD YOU EVEN FUCKING READ THEM? IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A NAIL GUN SAFELY WOULD YOU LET YOUR 10 YEAR OLD PLAY AROUND WITH IT UNSUPERVISED? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO.

WHEN DID THE WORLD GET SO FUCKING DENSE? WHEN DID COMMON SENSE GET SO FUCKING RARE? SINCE WHEN DID CLAIMING TO BE AN EXPERT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY MAKE IT SO? WHEN WILL EVERYONE GET JUST SO SANE THAT I CAN STOP YELLING PROFANITIES AT YOU ALL? WILL ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS BE LESS RHETORICAL? I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!

YOU FAT BASTARDS.

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Live every day like it’s your last

by on Jul.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, how are you today?, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, The one who calls wolf quite often

That’s the advice you’ll get from me! Live EVERY DAY like it’s your last day alive! Don’t hold back, just do it! You might die today, and have all these things left undone. It will torment you forever!

So it is all well and good to talk about living every day like it’s your last, but what does it really mean? Well that depends on how you want to be remembered. Do you want everyone to remember you fondly, and gather around occasionally to share the good memories? Well in that case, you need to die from a horrible terminal disease. Current popular ways to die are AIDS, cancer, or pretty much anything which is gradual, painful death. This gives people a chance to gather around you, while making it difficult for you to ruin the happy image that you want people to remember by being, well, you.

“But wait,” you say, “I don’t have the AIDS! How am I meant to pull this off?”

Well the answer is simple. Stay in bed all day, refuse to eat, and take heavy pain killers. You will develop a sickly pallor, be very vague, and lose muscle mass. Tell everyone that you don’t want to cause a fuss to anyone, least of all the medical system. The longer you are in this state, the more people will talk about how strong you are, fighting off the horrible disease. Of course, if you stick around too long, people will start to wonder. They will try to bring in nurses and doctors; after a while you won’t be able to turn them down, as you won’t have much of an idea what is going on any more. If this eventually happens, it is probably best to wander off while no-one is looking, and try to start a new life somewhere else. You could also try the miraculous recovery route, which lets you move into all sorts of fields like motivational speaking.

What if you don’t really care how people remember you? Well do I have the plan for you! You see, there is a little thing in this world called inhibition. It’s what stops you from doing what you want when you want. It’s what keeps you afraid that tomorrow will be another day, and that you will have to live through it. Happily, when you are living your final day, this inhibition is pretty useless, meaning that you can do whatever you want. So when you are living like it’s the last day you’ll be alive, all you have to do is drop all inhibitions. At a bakery? Think that eating four meat pies, three doughnuts, and a half-dozen caramel slices might not be a good idea? Well just go for it! You won’t be alive tomorrow to regret it!

Don’t have the money to pay for all of it? Who cares! Punch the baker in the face, and take keep eating. There’s no need to run away, or rob them, because you won’t be alive tomorrow. Just keep doing whatever you want. It doesn’t matter! After this, you should go to the pub. Have a few drinks, and pay for nothing. You’ll probably be dead tomorrow, so you are just trying to make the most of the limited time you have left. Who cares it it is 10AM? If it’s later, then you are already wasting your precious time.

Once you are drunk, that should help you to drop the last few inhibitions that you may be holding on to. Track down any girls (or boys) that you ever had a thing for. This is the last day you will have a chance, so you better not waste it! Remember to shout “Surprise!” when they see you, and if you still have clothes on at this point, then that’s more time wasted.

Call everyone who cares about you, and tell them exactly how you feel. It doesn’t matter if you make them cry, because they are fat and deserve to know it, besides they’ll be the only ones around to feel like jerks tomorrow; this is the last day that you are alive! Call the step father who touched you at night; tell him that you had herpes then, and he has it now. Call your mother and tell her that she ruined your life for not getting you that ultra-deluxe BMX when you were seven. Today is all about you, because this is the absolute last day you’ll get to live!

That is what it means to live every day like it’s your last. Of course, you will wake up the next day, but you just have to keep doing the same thing. You probably won’t be alive for much longer anyway.

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“No body likes you, everybody hates you, so shut the cunt up and get back in the hole” – excerpts from my best selling kids books

by on Jul.21, 2010, under Heroes, kids books, Sparkly fuckstains, Stories for children, Why can't I find a publisher?

“Who the fuck let you out?” screamed Miffy the bunny. “Whoever it was will have their face raped off by my daggercock hound, and he just got a sharpening.”

Miffy eyed the other Fluffy Friends suspiciously for a while, looking for the slightest flinch of betrayal, before turning back to her prisoner.

“You should know that there will be severe consequences for attempting to escape. You should know by now that you will never get out until I get what I want.”

Suddenly Miffy lashed out with her powerful back feet and tore a large gash in Snow White’s face.

“I don’t know who let you escape, but they’ll fucking regret it too, bitch. Now get back in the fucking hole before I tear out you r throat.”

With a final kick right in the ovaries, Snow White was pushed back into the hole.

—————————————

It had been three days since the orgy, and Peter Possum still couldn’t see straight.

“I shouldn’t have licked my semen back out of Helen Herpes’ cunt,” he thought to himself. “These scabs are really starting to affect my vision.”

—————————————

“Some things cannot be unseen,” sobbed little Timmy Parker, slowly raising the gun to his temple.

—————————————

“Man this heroin is top notch! We should have bought from Pastor Steve earlier!”

“Hugh blugh blugh,” murmured John.

“Oh man, are you wasted already? I guess that this is what I get for shooting up with fucking amateurs. If you OD, I’m not fucking taking you to the hospital, you cunt.”

—————————————

No-one answered the door. Billy didn’t really expect that anyone would any more. After the bomb went off, there were less and less living people around.

Those who survived the initial blast had been slowly dying from radiation poisoning. Survivors were rare, but he still knocked on doors just in case.

He jimmied the door open, thinking to himself “If they’re dead, then I need their stuff more than they do; if they’re not, then they will be soon enough.”

Billy remembered his father. He would probably never forget him; no-one ever forgot their first kill.

“The cunt had it coming, though. He never bought me the action man deluxe set.”

If he told himself that enough times he could almost bring himself to believe it. This was a fuck of a world to be a nine year old in.

—————————————

Edward sat around moping. Why did he even like her? She wasn’t that pretty, but there was just something about her that he couldn’t get over.

Maybe it was the neck brace, or maybe it was her down syndrome, or maybe it was just the fact that even if she could say “no”, she wouldn’t understand what was going on.

Whatever it was, Edward was fascinated with her, and tonight he intended to make her his.

He felt the sack cloth. Soft, yet strong. It shouldn’t catch on her brace, and should block out the light pretty well.

“I still have things to prepare, I should stop dawdling,” he thought to himself. He picked up the next knife and went back to the grinding stone.

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The Patriot Act (Acting like you’re patriotic, when you’re really a cunt)

by on Jul.12, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It is said that there is a fine line between patriotism and being a cunt. I think that is bullshit, because it’s perfectly easy to like, love, and support your country without being an ignorant pile of anal leakage. In fact, I find that feeling patriotic is quite far removed from feeling like plastering your car with bumper stickers shouting the slogans “Australia: Love it or leave it”, or the ever witty “Fuck off, we’re full”.

There is a difference there. There are a few differences, actually, but the main one is that if you have the bumper stickers mentioned above, you are most likely a FUCKING USELESS BOGAN CUNT. The most hilarious part of this is that the proud bearers of the “Fuck off, we’re full” slogan, often have NO CONTROL OVER HOW MANY SHIT STAINED CUNT-BEASTS THOSE USELESS MAGGOTY FUCKS SPIT OUT. Apparently, despite our vast brown lands, we have absolutely no-where to fit even our measly sum of just over 20 million people. Any more useful members to society will just have to fuck off again, so that there’s enough room for us to spit out hundreds of under-educated, spin swallowing, watchers of A Current Affair. If we don’t stem the flow of trained migrants, there may not be enough jobs left to say we applied for on the Centrelink forms.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the JOBS that are the problem. No-one wants to DO the jobs. Getting some dirty migrant to actually WORK these jobs is largely a good call. The problem is that if the jobs get FILLED, then what are we going to apply for each fortnight? Jobs that we might actually be suited to? That would mean that we might GET the jobs, which would mean that we can’t be on Centrelink any more.

It’s this kind of rampant stupidity which I detest. I don’t HATE our country at all. I really genuinely love it, and know that I have a much better way of life than the vast majority of the rest of the world. I hate some (not all) of the inhabitants of this country, and that’s not the slightest bit unpatriotic. It’s just hating STUPID FUCKING CUNTS WHO KEEP SCREWING IT UP FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

It’s easy to see the difference between true patriotism, and vaguely disguised racist hate-talk. For example, there is a brilliant piece of Australian literature which goes something like this:

I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel sea,
Her beauty and her terror –
The wide brown land for me.

This is patriotic. Notice how it talks about the beauty of the country. It acknowledges that it can be scary, but the author loves the country anyway. Then we get to pieces like this:

Fucking bogan scum

Or this:

Somehow, people seem to think that the only way to tell the world how truly special your country is is to beat the fuck out of everyone who isn’t from it, and tell them to get out. This, obviously, makes them want to be part of your country even more. They never will be, though, because you and your mates will stick around to make sure that they’ll get the living fuck beaten out of them if they show their face again. After all, that’s the true Australian way.

You fucking cunts.

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First! And other things that should result in you being shot.

by on Jul.09, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MOTHERFUCKER, My skepticisim isn't the slightest bit dogmatic - how dare you, SHUT UP, Skeptic logic is infallible, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Wow! You commented first! What a position of power, of responsibility! Everyone will see your comment, meaning that it is the most important comment on the page. Too bad YOU FUCKING WASTED IT BY ADDING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF VALUE TO THE CONVERSATION, YOU USELESS, MAGGOTY, MOUTH-BREATHING, OXYGEN THIEVING, FUCKING THATCHER SLUTCUNT.

WOW NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE THAT YOU REALLY ARE A BARELY FUNCTIONAL RETARD, WITH NO VALID INPUT INTO ANYTHING. NO LONGER WILL YOUR FRIENDS BE WONDERING IF YOU ARE A FUNNY GUY WITH AN ODD SENSE OF HUMOUR, OR AN AUTISTIC MONKEY ON CRACK. YOU WILL HAVE ADVERTISED TO THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE IN FACT ONE OF THE MOST USELESS HUMAN BEINGS ALIVE.

ON THE CHART OF USELESS PEOPLE, YOU ARE RIGHT UP THERE WITH JUSTIN BIEBER AND JUNKIES. THEN IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH, PEOPLE START COMPETING FOR SECOND PLACE. SECOND FUCKING PLACE! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? DID A PIANO GET DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD? PERHAPS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. FOLLOWED BY AN AXE, AND A FUCKING NUCLEAR WARHEAD. PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD.

This is why I am against public healthcare. It’s also why I’m against warning labels. Let stupid people look after themselves for about 2 years, and the world will be a whole heap smarter for it.

So this list of people who are more useless than balls on a truck; who are they? The list is longer than you can imagine (because you have a very limited imagination, not because it’s a massive list), so here is an abridged version.

People who are stupid cunts, and should not be allowed to live.

In no particular order:

  • People who put balls on a truck (or any vehicle for that matter)
  • People who put balls on a phone.
  • People who cut me off when I’m driving.
  • People who don’t indicate properly on roundabouts.
  • People who indicate right when going into a round about, when they’re not actually taking an exit to the right.
  • People who compete for the first comment on any post anywhere on the Internet.
  • People who, once they see that the first position has already been called by about six people, attempt to call “second”. Seriously, this happens.
  • People who comment on things just so they can see their name.
  • People who don’t even finish reading a headline before posting a comment.
  • Justin Bieber
  • People who think that it’s unfair that their opinions aren’t worth more than someone else’s.
  • People who actually complain that it is UNFAIR to THEM that OTHER PEOPLE need help.
  • People who CAN’T WAIT THEIR FUCKING TURN IN LINE.
  • People who TRY TO PRETEND THAT THERE ISN’T A LINE, AND ACT SHOCKED WHEN THEY GET TOLD THAT THERE IS ONE.
  • PEOPLE IN GENERAL CAN FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.
  • People who think that their moral views should be made law.
  • People who like Justin Bieber.
  • People who are really touchy with people they barely know.
  • People who exaggerate the truth.
  • Journalists on current affairs shows.
  • People who CAN’T USE COMMON FUCKING SENSE OR A BIT OF LOGIC, BUT STILL TRY TO ARGUE THE POINT WITH YOU.
  • People who start “discussions” (read: arguments) with no intention of allowing their point of view to change.
  • People who preach their point of views without being willing to listen to someone else’s.
  • People who make wild assumptions about someone else’s point of view based on their own idea of what the person is like.
  • PEOPLE WHO SHOULD DIE COLD, ALONE, AND IN A GIANT FUCKING HOLE FILLED WITH THE CORPSES OF OTHER PEOPLE LIKE THEM.
  • People who get offended by the word “cunt”.
  • Advertisers.
  • People who believe advertisements.
  • People who believe anything that they read without the slightest bit of suspicion.

The full list is much longer, but this gives you the basic idea. Your aim in life should be to live well, and not end up on this list.

Now FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS.

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The one who calls wolf quite often.

by on Jul.06, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Heroes, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH

Today I would like to share with you a story. A story of love, and of loss; of house mates, and sex shops. I would like to share with you the story of “Cam”. I could change his name to protect the innocent, but let’s face it, those who know me already know of him, and those who don’t won’t be able to find him through what I tell you.

His name was “Cam”, which you can probably assume was short for “Cameron”. I won’t tell you his last name, because frankly I’ve forgotten it. I wouldn’t be able to track him down if I wanted to, and I really don’t want to.

So if this person is so particularly distasteful to me, why am I bringing him up? Why now, after I haven’t lived with nor seen him for nearly five years now? Because of this:

No, I didn’t just receive this. It’s an old letter. Someone pointed me to it again, and I had no other plans for today’s post. That’s why you’re getting this today.

The back story is this: I had accidentally paid my week’s rent into his bank account, realised my mistake, and had attempted to contact him to nicely ask if he could rectify the mistake. He returned the money, but also added this beautifully worded letter. I know that many of you here would be thinking “Nicely? You? I seriously doubt that”, but I really just wanted my rent money back, so I wasn’t about to be a dick about it.

The content of the letter isn’t that important. There are just a couple of sticking points, though, that always make me smirk. First up, he reprimands me for acting foolishly. I must admit, I should probably have been more careful when checking that I had, in fact, selected the correct account to transfer money to. It’s a mistake that I had not made before, and have never made since. He sounds almost hurt at this point. A minor inconvenience for him was perhaps a biting blow to his ego.

Next is some rather unimportant stuff about the finer workings of netbank, including one of my all time favourite words “erroneous”. Nothing here of interest, really other than his claim that it will now be physically impossible for him ever to transfer money to me. There is also talk of how busy he is, which I won’t delve in to here.

Finally we arrive at the most baffling part of the letter. This is the part which really inspired the entire post.

“The one who calls wolf quite often”

Long have I wondered what this means. Is he accusing me of being a liar? Is he saying that he lies, frequently? Is this some kind of trying-to-be-deep sign off? Am I actually an idiot for missing some hilarious contemporary reference?

This line has always confused me. It has no context, no exact or deliberate meaning. This is the type of shit that makes me want to punch people in the throats, but also hug and comfort the poor, confused people. IT MAKES NO SENSE. It SEEMS to be referencing the old folk tale of “the boy who cried wolf”, but I can’t figure out why. He had stooged me for bill money before (part of the reason why he was no longer my flat mate), so perhaps he thought that bills were frivolous fancies of mine, and that he would indulge me for the moment, but when a REAL expense came up, my pleas may fall on deaf ears.

It could be a reference to a TV show, or a song, added as a regular sign off or signature. I tried my good friend Google, but to no avail. It exists no-where in the world outside of this letter.

Then some days, like now, I think perhaps that this was his final stab. His final kick into my hypothetical teeth of logic. Something designed to worry, no, TORTURE me until my dying breath. A statement so devoid of reason that it makes “Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?” seem like a sane thing to say.

If this is the case, Cameron, then I must say this to you, sir. Well played.

You fucking cunt.

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“Scare” quotes, and other things that “journalists” should stop doing before I stab them all in the fucking face.

by on Jul.05, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Scare quotes are an interesting thing. They change the perception of meaning, without actually having to change the meaning. Stupid cunts with no fucking integrity (“Journalists”) use them to imply conflict of interest when there is none. They use them to make idiots think that there is news in the stupidest places. For this, I blame the Internet entirely. Once, news articles went through editors, who’s job it was to fact-check articles, and make sure that they weren’t just masturbatory cunt puss.

Now we have the Internet, where “Everyone has the scoop”™, which has led to cluster-cunts claiming to be journalists, and every non-noteworthy piece of bile being treated as breaking, headline fucking news. Then we were faced with a problem, where there was so much noise, that NO-ONE KNEW WHAT NEWS WAS IMPORTANT. Every piece of irrelevant drivel was ENTIRELY INDISTINGUISHABLE from EVERY OTHER PIECE OF TUMOUR INDUCING, SELF PLEASURING, SEMEN ENCRUSTED, VOMIT STAINED, POINTLESS CRAP THAT IS GETTING TOUTED AS NEWS. So to combat this, people decided that you had to make EVERYTHING SCANDALOUS. WHAT EASIER WAY OF CREATING SCANDAL THAN BY IMPLYING IT WHERE NONE EXISTS.

THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS REPORT ON THE IMPLICATION OF SCANDAL, RATHER THAN REPORTING ANYTHING OF USE TO ANYONE FUCKING EVER. Just think about it; which of these headlines would be most likely to get you to read?

  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from new tax
  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from new “tax”
  • Politician says public have nothing to fear from “new” tax
  • Politician says public have “nothing to fear” from new tax
  • Politician says “public” have nothing to fear from new tax
  • “Politician” says public have nothing to fear from new tax
  • “Politician” says “public” have “nothing to fear” from “new” “tax”

They all say the same words, they all mean the same thing, but every one SEEMS like it’s saying something different. THEY ARE ALSO ALL TRYING TO SEX UP SOME OTHERWISE BULLSHIT PIECE OF NON-NEWS BY MAKING IT SEEM THAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE FUCKING SCARED. THEY ARE LIKE AIR QUOTES, BUT YOU CAN’T FUCKING PUNCH THE CUNT WHO USES THEM IN THE FACE. OH HOW I WANT TO PUNCH THEM IN THEIR STUPID FUCKING FACES.

IT’S PEOPLE LIKE THIS WHO CAUSE NON-NEWS TO BE PARADED AROUND LIKE IT’S WORTH HALF A FUCK (THE SECOND HALF, WHERE EVERYTHING IS STICKY AND SHAMEFUL, AND THE CAT KEEPS LOOKING AT YOU LIKE IT WILL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN). YOU MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNTS ARE THE ENTIRE PROBLEM. IT HAS NOW SPREAD INTO TRADITIONAL PRINT PAPERS, SO WE CAN’T EVER FIND A SINGLE SKERRICK OF ANYTHING THAT EVEN SLIGHTLY RESEMBLES ACTUAL FUCKING INFORMATION. YOU CUNTS DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE, AND THE WORLD WOULD BE MUCH BETTER IF YOU “JOURNALISTS” (THAT’S THE CORRECT WAY TO USE QUOTES, BECAUSE YOU VAPID, LIFELESS CUNTS HAVE LESS JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY THAN THE DIARRHOEA THAT YOU VOMIT ALL OVER THE PAGE) WERE LINED UP AND SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEADS.

This kind of useless fucking time wasting has spawned into an even worse form of Television “journalism” (again, using the correct, contemptuous, form of scare quotes). Current fucking Affairs. Every time I see one of these programs, it makes me want to vomit blood and piss through my eyeballs. THAT WOULD BE MORE FUCKING ENJOYABLE. They not only waste time, BUT THEY FUCKING LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING JUST TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THERE IS A FUCKING NEWS STORY, OR AN INJUSTICE IN THE WORLD WHERE THERE’S NOTHING BUT STUPID FUCKING BOGANS WHO CAN’T HELP BUT SPIT BABIES OUT OF THEIR EARS RATHER THAN CLEANING UP, GETTING JOBS, OR PAYING THE FUCKING RENT. HERE’S A TIP: IF THEY PAID THEIR FUCKING RENT, THEN THEY WOULDN’T BE GETTING EVICTED. IF THEY STOPPED EATING SOLIDIFIED FUCKING FAT, THEN THEY WOULDN’T HAVE DOCTORS TELLING THEM TO LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT.

THEY ARE NOT THE FUCKING VICTIMS, YOU USELESS PACK OF CUNT BLOODIED, SHIT EATING, MAGGOT FILLED, CHILD RAPING, ARSE FISTING, CRACKED OUT, SEMEN STAINED, URINAL CAKE GOBBLING, FUCKING THATCHERIST, CONSERVATIVE, MINDLESS, TOSSER, VENOMOUS, PENIS BREATHED, FLUFFY BUNNY LOVING, DISGRACES TO THE NAME OF FUCKING HUMANITY, ANIMALS, INTELLIGENT LIFE FORMS, OR ANYTHING ELSE ALIVE, INCLUDING FUCKING AMOEBAS.

NOT EVEN THAT CAN SUM UP THE CONTEMPT THAT I HAVE FOR YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTS. THERE ARE NO WORDS IN EXISTENCE, NOT EVEN CABBAGE, WHICH CAN QUANTIFY EXACTLY HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. I WOULD SAY THAT YOU SHOULD ALL BE FUCKING SHOT, BUT IT’S A WASTE OF PERFECTLY GOOD BULLETS THAT WOULD HAVE MORE VALUE BEING FIRED AT ROCKS. DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE, YOU VACUOUS CUNTS. AT LEAST THEN SOME FUCKING RETARD CAN FEEL THE WARMTH, AND YOU WILL HAVE DONE SOME FUCKING GOOD IN YOUR LIVES.

Still, though. I just can’t sum it up. Sure, every life is precious, blah, blah, blah, but there are some lives which would be more precious as firewood. If you have ever tried to drum up more interest in a non-news topic by implying through scare quotes or blatant lies that the story is something else, I ask you to please, PLEASE, think of the state of humanity, and self-immolate. It’s not too late to rid the world of your until-you-are-on-fire-you-are-absolutely-uselessness by burning yourself, preferably in a giant pile made out of all your friends, family, and anyone who has ever encouraged you.

I hate you all.

Fuck off.

3 Comments more...

Guest Post: Dear cast, crew, characters and anyone else involved with Twilight

by on Jul.02, 2010, under Guest Posts, Sparkly fuckstains, Twilight

I don’t care. I don’t care that you have made three movie and millions of screaming prepubescent girls scream and cry when every your names are whispered

I don’t care. Never have. Never will. I would rather grate my tongue or poke my eyeballs out with a pencil or eat earwax than sit through the idiotic tripe that you are peddling

I realise it’s about a young girl’s awakening but unless that young girl awakens and shoots the shit out of a lot of aliens/ giant robots/ Zombies or wombats then I don’t give a shit.

I don’t mind Vampires. Its true. They can be fun. But I like mine more traditional. LIKE TRYING TO KEEP TO THE FUCKING VAMPIRES MYTHS RULES

And stars of Twilight. You annoy me you talent less, ungrateful bunch of shits.

Always complaining with your

woooo we walk too hard

woooo everyone tells us what to do on each movie

woooo we are all too busy

woooo the paparazzi follows up when we go to parties

woooo everyone tries to friend us on facebook

Get over yourselves you whingeing, whining bunchy of complaining gen y shits. Enjoy the few extra minutes added to your 15 minutes cause when the movies run out its a life of conventions for you.

And remember

THE MILLIONS YOU MAKE WOULD FEED MANY, MANY FAR HAPPIER AND HUMBLE PEOPLE. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP

Cheers

Captain Angry Ranty Pants

PS Kristen Stewart go eat a sandwich and cheer the fuck up you miserable bitch.

1 Comment more...

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