The Daily Jerk

Stories for children

Don’t go under the bridge, that’s where trolls live!

by on Aug.02, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, I'm 12 wat is this?, kids books, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, Stories for children, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Under the bridge is where trolls live, just like under the trap door in my garage is where I hide the bodies of neighborhood cunt beasts whose frisbees end up in my yard. It’s where they live in terms of sleeping, eating, and scaring goats, but not where they work. Where trolls really live is on the Internet, and what they eat is reactions. The sooner people learn this, the sooner we can get on about our lives without having fucking idiots telling us about “Cyber Security”, “Cyber Bullying”, and “Cyberspace Etiquette” every time some dead shit parent lets their retarded cunt spawn have a webcam in their bedroom.

All these supposed “Cyber Experts” seem to be old, confused, and still like to think of the Internet as that blue ‘e’ on their desktop which they can use to get to “the facebooks”. The advice they all spout has no real relevance to the way the Internet works, and is somewhere between kindergarten sand pit problem solving (tell the teacher), and the suggested response for terrorism (red alert bring in the SWAT teams and maybe Jack Bauer). Every little incident must be reported to the feds, because they seem to be so efficient at solving “Cyber Crimes”. Of all the problems in the world that people try to solve with prevention and education, this is one of the only ones where that might be the right way to go.

You see, the problem is that the Internet isn’t LIKE the playground. You can’t give someone a slap on the wrist for misbehaving, because you don’t make the rules. You can’t make rules based on your own morals or society because MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET AREN’T PART OF YOUR SOCIETY AND PROBABLY DON’T SHARE YOUR MORALS. Trying to FORCE them to see things your way is both AS IGNORANT AS A FUCKING ROCK, and NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WELL WORK.

Of course, these simple facts have never stopped certain people in various countries from TRYING to control the Internet, usually with a call of “SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” The thing is that these people who hatch plans to control the Internet invariably know ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT IT. They are probably the same type of retards who think that you can make unlimited free energy using magnets. They don’t listen to people who ACTUALLY FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING because they’ve labeled THEMSELVES THE FUCKING EXPERTS. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO ANYONE FUCKING ELSE? THEY MADE UP THEIR MIND AND BUILT THEMSELVES A WEBSITE IN MICROSOFT FUCKING FRONT PAGE, SO THEY MUST BE THE FUCKING EXPERTS.

ALSO HOW THE FUCK DO THESE CUNTS SPEND 8 HOURS A DAY “WORKING” ON A FUCKING STATIC WEBSITE? WHAT DO THEY DO? CLICK AROUND THE PAGES TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING THERE? I WRITE CONTENT EVERY FUCKING WEEK DAY, AND I DON’T SPEND 8 FUCKING HOURS, EVEN WHEN I’M ASSUAGING MY NEED TO STARE CONSTANTLY AT THE FUCKING STATISTICS. IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT FUCKING LONG TO “RUN” A FUCKING WEBSITE. THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LABELED YOURSELF AN EXPERT ON “CYBER” FUCKING ANYTHING IS A TESTAMENT TO YOUR FUCKING INEPTITUDE AS A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE LINED UP AND FUCKING SHOT BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY OF NO USE TO THE REST OF FUCKING SOCIETY. OH, SOMEONE WAS MEAN TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE FUCKING CUNT BEAST ON THE INTERNET? WELL IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNT SPAWN ISN’T PLAYING IN THE BAD AREAS. YOU CAN’T BLAME A FUCKING LORRY DRIVER FOR HITTING YOUR CHILD IF YOU LET THEM PLAY ON A 6 LANE FREEWAY, BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE SAME APPLIES TO THE FUCKING INTERNET. YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCKING CUNTS SHOULD EDUCATE YOURSELVES ABOUT WHERE IT’S SAFE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS BALL OF LARD AND FUCKING HAIR TO PLAY, OR YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING COMPUTER.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF YOU FEEL THAT INTERNET ACCESS IS A RIGHT FOR YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN, IF YOU CAN’T SPELL INTERNET, OR DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “GOOGLE” AND A WEB BROWSER, THEN YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ELECTROCUTED BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.

Computers and the Internet are handy tools, but like any other fucking tool, they’re not safe for children to use unsupervised. If you don’t feel that you can watch your child every fucking second of the day, then GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ARSE OFF THE COUCH, STOP WATCHING TODAY TONIGHT, AND FUCKING MONITOR WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE FUCKING DOING. SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH EFFORT? THEN DON’T FUCKING WELL LET YOUR KIDS USE THE DAMNED THING. DO WE NEED TO PUT FUCKING MASSIVE WARNING LABELS ON COMPUTERS SO THAT YOU KNOW THAT BAD THINGS CAN FUCKING HAPPEN? IF WE DID DO THAT WOULD YOU EVEN FUCKING READ THEM? IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A NAIL GUN SAFELY WOULD YOU LET YOUR 10 YEAR OLD PLAY AROUND WITH IT UNSUPERVISED? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO.

WHEN DID THE WORLD GET SO FUCKING DENSE? WHEN DID COMMON SENSE GET SO FUCKING RARE? SINCE WHEN DID CLAIMING TO BE AN EXPERT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY MAKE IT SO? WHEN WILL EVERYONE GET JUST SO SANE THAT I CAN STOP YELLING PROFANITIES AT YOU ALL? WILL ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS BE LESS RHETORICAL? I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!

YOU FAT BASTARDS.

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Monarchy for the modern age

by on Jul.22, 2010, under CABBAGE, Celebrity gossip, Royalty, Stories for children

Do we still need a queen? Are we be a better country because oh the monarchy? Are the royals really that useful any more? These are questions which show up every now and then, and no-one ever has an answer. The problem is that no-one is quite sure what the royals are for.

They used to be rulers, but now there’s an elected government that does that. They’re even less relevant here in Australia where they are still our royal family, but never set foot in our country. We have a family whose sole purpose is to sit around, be aloof, and steal helicopters. The only royal who ever actually did anything was married into the family, and couldn’t even handle a high-speed collision with a wall.

Pathetic.

People don’t want to get rid of the royal family, though. They’ve been there for as long as anyone can remember, and really they’re the only thing separating us from becoming America. What we do need, though, is a better breed of royal. We need to reverse the inbreeding that has resulted in two princes who look more like Ron Weasley than any Disney prince ever did. We need to bring some manliness, some rough-and-tumble, some facial hair (Queen, excepted) back into the royal family. We need monarchs for the modern age.

I envisage my perfect King to be a kind of Die Hard, Bruce Willis type. Making wise cracks while kicking arse. The kind of king who would go to America and kick their arse for ruining the language. I think he also needs some lasers. Maybe even a cool car.

The Queen should be a motherly, but still kinda hot. I want my queen to make witty comments that put politicians in their place. She should care about the good of the people, and also be a rally driver. That would give her an excuse to travel the globe to exotic locations, and conquer them all with a sweet four wheel drift. Oh, and she should be able to make things explode just by looking at them.

The princes should be great guys who loved nothing more than hanging out with the lads, and flying helicopters. The current princes are kind of like this, but maybe we could change their hair colour to a more manly black, or dark brown. Oh, and wherever they go, they should have free beer. They’ll also give every guy they meet free money, and a cool car. They won’t need to give women anything because they’ll faint as soon as one of the princes smiles. Also, it would be cool if the princes were half robot.

The princess should be an expert at karate, because she constantly has to fight off ninjas. She’s also really good at computers, and acting. She should play bass, and have a bunch of tattoos. She can also do a back flip, and does whenever anyone asks, even if she’s just done a back flip. It would be really cool if she could shoot fire out of her eyes when she gets angry, or like, sees a kitten in trouble.

I think that this is pretty much the best royal family you could ever get, and I think that if we all chipped in a few dollars, we could totally set this up. The royal’s time has come, and now is time for the Super Royal Action Force EXTREME. Also, if anyone spells it “X-TREME”, then the Queen will crush their head between her thighs. No-one will ever be sure if it is meant to be a reward or a punishment, and she’ll never say.

Oh, and the King will decree that cabbage is now the dirtiest of swear words in all languages ever. Then he’ll release a number one world wide hit where he just screams “CABBAGE” at the top of his lungs until people’s brains explode.

I wonder if Kim Jong Il is free…

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“No body likes you, everybody hates you, so shut the cunt up and get back in the hole” – excerpts from my best selling kids books

by on Jul.21, 2010, under Heroes, kids books, Sparkly fuckstains, Stories for children, Why can't I find a publisher?

“Who the fuck let you out?” screamed Miffy the bunny. “Whoever it was will have their face raped off by my daggercock hound, and he just got a sharpening.”

Miffy eyed the other Fluffy Friends suspiciously for a while, looking for the slightest flinch of betrayal, before turning back to her prisoner.

“You should know that there will be severe consequences for attempting to escape. You should know by now that you will never get out until I get what I want.”

Suddenly Miffy lashed out with her powerful back feet and tore a large gash in Snow White’s face.

“I don’t know who let you escape, but they’ll fucking regret it too, bitch. Now get back in the fucking hole before I tear out you r throat.”

With a final kick right in the ovaries, Snow White was pushed back into the hole.

—————————————

It had been three days since the orgy, and Peter Possum still couldn’t see straight.

“I shouldn’t have licked my semen back out of Helen Herpes’ cunt,” he thought to himself. “These scabs are really starting to affect my vision.”

—————————————

“Some things cannot be unseen,” sobbed little Timmy Parker, slowly raising the gun to his temple.

—————————————

“Man this heroin is top notch! We should have bought from Pastor Steve earlier!”

“Hugh blugh blugh,” murmured John.

“Oh man, are you wasted already? I guess that this is what I get for shooting up with fucking amateurs. If you OD, I’m not fucking taking you to the hospital, you cunt.”

—————————————

No-one answered the door. Billy didn’t really expect that anyone would any more. After the bomb went off, there were less and less living people around.

Those who survived the initial blast had been slowly dying from radiation poisoning. Survivors were rare, but he still knocked on doors just in case.

He jimmied the door open, thinking to himself “If they’re dead, then I need their stuff more than they do; if they’re not, then they will be soon enough.”

Billy remembered his father. He would probably never forget him; no-one ever forgot their first kill.

“The cunt had it coming, though. He never bought me the action man deluxe set.”

If he told himself that enough times he could almost bring himself to believe it. This was a fuck of a world to be a nine year old in.

—————————————

Edward sat around moping. Why did he even like her? She wasn’t that pretty, but there was just something about her that he couldn’t get over.

Maybe it was the neck brace, or maybe it was her down syndrome, or maybe it was just the fact that even if she could say “no”, she wouldn’t understand what was going on.

Whatever it was, Edward was fascinated with her, and tonight he intended to make her his.

He felt the sack cloth. Soft, yet strong. It shouldn’t catch on her brace, and should block out the light pretty well.

“I still have things to prepare, I should stop dawdling,” he thought to himself. He picked up the next knife and went back to the grinding stone.

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