The Daily Jerk

TRUTH

Happy fun times! A Puzzler!

by on Aug.03, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, HAHAHAHA YORE, Happy fun times, Hello, horoscopes, how are you today?, I'm 12 wat is this?, lining up for fun and profit, SHUT UP, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

This’ll keep you guessing.

The words to find are:
CUNT
CABBAGE
WILDERBEAST
VAGINA
MAGGOT
THATCHER
TUGGING
FUCK
BANANA
YOUR
NETBALL
TEAM
SUCKS
DONKEY
BALLS
SO
THERE

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Don’t go under the bridge, that’s where trolls live!

by on Aug.02, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, I'm 12 wat is this?, kids books, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, Self help advice, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, Stories for children, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Under the bridge is where trolls live, just like under the trap door in my garage is where I hide the bodies of neighborhood cunt beasts whose frisbees end up in my yard. It’s where they live in terms of sleeping, eating, and scaring goats, but not where they work. Where trolls really live is on the Internet, and what they eat is reactions. The sooner people learn this, the sooner we can get on about our lives without having fucking idiots telling us about “Cyber Security”, “Cyber Bullying”, and “Cyberspace Etiquette” every time some dead shit parent lets their retarded cunt spawn have a webcam in their bedroom.

All these supposed “Cyber Experts” seem to be old, confused, and still like to think of the Internet as that blue ‘e’ on their desktop which they can use to get to “the facebooks”. The advice they all spout has no real relevance to the way the Internet works, and is somewhere between kindergarten sand pit problem solving (tell the teacher), and the suggested response for terrorism (red alert bring in the SWAT teams and maybe Jack Bauer). Every little incident must be reported to the feds, because they seem to be so efficient at solving “Cyber Crimes”. Of all the problems in the world that people try to solve with prevention and education, this is one of the only ones where that might be the right way to go.

You see, the problem is that the Internet isn’t LIKE the playground. You can’t give someone a slap on the wrist for misbehaving, because you don’t make the rules. You can’t make rules based on your own morals or society because MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET AREN’T PART OF YOUR SOCIETY AND PROBABLY DON’T SHARE YOUR MORALS. Trying to FORCE them to see things your way is both AS IGNORANT AS A FUCKING ROCK, and NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WELL WORK.

Of course, these simple facts have never stopped certain people in various countries from TRYING to control the Internet, usually with a call of “SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” The thing is that these people who hatch plans to control the Internet invariably know ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING ABOUT IT. They are probably the same type of retards who think that you can make unlimited free energy using magnets. They don’t listen to people who ACTUALLY FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING because they’ve labeled THEMSELVES THE FUCKING EXPERTS. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD THEY LISTEN TO ANYONE FUCKING ELSE? THEY MADE UP THEIR MIND AND BUILT THEMSELVES A WEBSITE IN MICROSOFT FUCKING FRONT PAGE, SO THEY MUST BE THE FUCKING EXPERTS.

ALSO HOW THE FUCK DO THESE CUNTS SPEND 8 HOURS A DAY “WORKING” ON A FUCKING STATIC WEBSITE? WHAT DO THEY DO? CLICK AROUND THE PAGES TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING THERE? I WRITE CONTENT EVERY FUCKING WEEK DAY, AND I DON’T SPEND 8 FUCKING HOURS, EVEN WHEN I’M ASSUAGING MY NEED TO STARE CONSTANTLY AT THE FUCKING STATISTICS. IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT FUCKING LONG TO “RUN” A FUCKING WEBSITE. THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE LABELED YOURSELF AN EXPERT ON “CYBER” FUCKING ANYTHING IS A TESTAMENT TO YOUR FUCKING INEPTITUDE AS A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE LINED UP AND FUCKING SHOT BECAUSE YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY OF NO USE TO THE REST OF FUCKING SOCIETY. OH, SOMEONE WAS MEAN TO YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE FUCKING CUNT BEAST ON THE INTERNET? WELL IT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR MAGGOTY FUCKING CUNT SPAWN ISN’T PLAYING IN THE BAD AREAS. YOU CAN’T BLAME A FUCKING LORRY DRIVER FOR HITTING YOUR CHILD IF YOU LET THEM PLAY ON A 6 LANE FREEWAY, BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T FUCKING BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. THE SAME APPLIES TO THE FUCKING INTERNET. YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS FUCKING CUNTS SHOULD EDUCATE YOURSELVES ABOUT WHERE IT’S SAFE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS BALL OF LARD AND FUCKING HAIR TO PLAY, OR YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING COMPUTER.

I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF YOU FEEL THAT INTERNET ACCESS IS A RIGHT FOR YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN, IF YOU CAN’T SPELL INTERNET, OR DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “GOOGLE” AND A WEB BROWSER, THEN YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ELECTROCUTED BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE.

Computers and the Internet are handy tools, but like any other fucking tool, they’re not safe for children to use unsupervised. If you don’t feel that you can watch your child every fucking second of the day, then GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ARSE OFF THE COUCH, STOP WATCHING TODAY TONIGHT, AND FUCKING MONITOR WHAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE FUCKING DOING. SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH EFFORT? THEN DON’T FUCKING WELL LET YOUR KIDS USE THE DAMNED THING. DO WE NEED TO PUT FUCKING MASSIVE WARNING LABELS ON COMPUTERS SO THAT YOU KNOW THAT BAD THINGS CAN FUCKING HAPPEN? IF WE DID DO THAT WOULD YOU EVEN FUCKING READ THEM? IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A NAIL GUN SAFELY WOULD YOU LET YOUR 10 YEAR OLD PLAY AROUND WITH IT UNSUPERVISED? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO.

WHEN DID THE WORLD GET SO FUCKING DENSE? WHEN DID COMMON SENSE GET SO FUCKING RARE? SINCE WHEN DID CLAIMING TO BE AN EXPERT ON SOMETHING ACTUALLY MAKE IT SO? WHEN WILL EVERYONE GET JUST SO SANE THAT I CAN STOP YELLING PROFANITIES AT YOU ALL? WILL ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS BE LESS RHETORICAL? I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!

YOU FAT BASTARDS.

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Guest Post: Ben Pobjie on hating things

by on Jul.29, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, Guest Posts, TRUTH

Know what I hate? Of course you don’t, and it’d be pretty presumptuous of you to think that you do, unless you’re psychic, and you’re not, because nobody is, and people who say they are are something I really hate. But that’s not what I was hating in the first sentence back there, I was hating something else, which I guess just goes to show one very important fact: I hate an awful lot of things. Hundreds, in fact, one of which is positive attitudes towards life.

But the one thing I hate that I am choosing to focus on is this:

Successful people.

In essence, my message is, Successful people? What the fuck?

Now, before you say, “Oh Ben, don’t be so negative, that’s just sour grapes”, I should point out one thing: you are a dick and should shut your stupid face.

The subject occurred to me the other day when I was reading an article about Rove McManus, and how his planned talk show with Valerie Bertinelli has failed to get picked up by a network in the US.

The first point to make, of course, is what the sulphur-crested fuck was Rove thinking when he decided the best entrée to the American market would be a talk show with Valerie Bertinelli? Never in the history of mankind has a human being ever used the phrase, “Hey, why doesn’t Valerie Bertinelli have a talk show? I’d watch that.” Never in the history of mankind has a human being ever used the phrase, “Can’t wait to hear what Valerie Bertinelli thinks about this.” And never in the history of mankind has a human being used the phrase, “Rove and Valerie: an unstoppable combination.” Seriously? A talk show with Valerie Bertinelli? Are you insane? What’s your next move, a cooking show with Bruce Boxleitner?

But that aside, what struck me reading this story was just how happy I was to find out Rove had failed. I was ecstatic.

And it’s not because I dislike Rove. I quite like him. I’ve even watched his show, occasionally. He’s a very likeable fellow. It’s nothing personal at all.

It’s just that I hate other people being successful. More successful than me, that is. Up to my level of success, I wish you every happiness. Surpass me, and I hate you. And this applies in particular to Australians. I can cope with Americans and British people and Italians fulfilling their dreams – just – but when Australians do it, it just gets right on my frigging wick.

Because when people from overseas are more successful than you, you can always say, “well, it’s hard to make it, when you’re Australian, stuck here in such a remote location without access to international markets”. But when Australians make it, it shows that it IS possible, it’s just that you’re not good enough. And frankly, I consider the inadvertent exposure of other people’s inadequacies through one’s own completely innocent actions to be the height of fucking rudeness.

You know what I’m talking about. You know when you have a friend who asks you to act as a reference for his job interview, and when the employer calls you, and you tell them your friend is a meth addict? Or when your friend starts a relationship with a beautiful, sweet girl, and you send her a letter detailing all the children he’s sexually violated?

Oh, you’ve never done that? You fucking liar. We all do it from time to time, when those close to us look like achieving more than we have. I work so hard every day, purely because my sisters have failed to be junkies or single mothers. If only my family was full of failures I could relax, but no, I have to bust a gut because they insist on giving me competition for my parents’ love.

And successful Australians have a similar effect. They’re too close. When an Australian hits it big, it says hey, even ordinary Australians can do extraordinary things. Pisses me off something fierce. Because of course they CAN, but they probably WON’T. I won’t. You won’t. And one of the reasons we won’t is because there is a finite amount of places in the world for successful people, and that Aussie bastard’s just taken up another one of them.

So that’s why I felt a warm, oozy feeling of relief when I found Rove’s latest effort to go global had failed. If his talk show with Valerie Bertinelli (pffffffffffffffft) had succeeded, I don’t know what I would have done. I would have been desolate. Like I am every time I hear about Naomi Watts’s latest movie, or Adam Hills’s sell-out Edinburgh show, or anything Matthew Fucking Reilly does.

So to all you people out there succeeding, achieving ambitions and scaling heights: fuck you. Fuck you right in the ear. You’re ruining my life, and you’re doing it with a smarmy goddamn smile on your face. Stop it. Right now.

Ben Pobjie

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Surviving Australia – Everything you need to know

by on Jul.26, 2010, under Hello, how are you today?, TRUTH

Whether you are a tourist or a recent immigrant, Australia can be a difficult place to understand. The rules are complex, confusing, and even if you follow them, someone might still beat you up for looking funny. Luckily, there’s only a few things that you need to know to survive in this country. Even better, I’m willing to tell you those few things. I’ll start with the country itself, and work up to the people who call it home.

The land

Australia is a large place. We have more land per capita than most other developed countries. The reason that it is this way is because the land is mostly unusable, murderous, wasteland. Most of our tourism is based around the idea of escaping from this vast, brown, death hole. The two major experiences you will get while visiting Australia for recreation will be either: survive the outback (if you can, but you probably can’t), or try to swim away (before the ocean kills you, which it probably will). The local population usually tries to avoid doing either of these things, because they consider them indescribably dangerous, and pretty stupid to boot.

The water

Australia is an island nation. As our national anthem proudly proclaims, we are girt by sea. There is no way to get to any other country without somehow facing the water. Like most things to do with Australia, the surrounding sea is a desolate wasteland teeming with interesting ways to die. If you head north, there are jellyfish, sting rays, sharks, more jelly fish, blue ringed octopus, stone fish, even more jelly fish, and even some sharks. To the south, there’s mostly sharks, but they are bigger and angrier sharks. There’s little reason to go south, though, because the only places you could get are Antarctica, New Zealand, or Tasmania. Some astute observers may point out that Tasmania is officially part of Australia, but we only keep it around so that politicians have a testing ground that the general population doesn’t care about. There are also many rivers and lakes in Australia, which largely serve the purpose of harboring crocodiles. The best advice about water that a tourist can receive is “Stay away from it, it’s trying to kill you.”

The plants

After hearing about the general inhospitable nature of both the land and the sea, most people assume that all the plants in Australia are poisonous. This is largely not the case. Just being poisonous would be far too easy for any self-respecting plant, so instead, Australian plants have developed a way to survive on very little water. This may not seem like a bad trait until you consider every other country in the world, where plant life usually implies that water is close by. If you happen to get lost in the bush, most people would be tempted to seek out a grove of trees, hoping to find something to drink. In Australia, you will soon find that doing this will just result in you finding disappointment. As you lie, dying of thirst on the rocks by the roots of a large grey gum, you will hear the leaves stirred by a gentle breeze. Your last, dying thought, is how much it sounds like laughter. If you do happen to find water, there is a very good chance that there is a crocodile watching you, waiting for you to get close.

The animals

The only thing you need to know about the native animals in Australia is this: they can all kill you, and probably will, just for the fun of it. Not only do we have most of the world’s most venomous snakes and spiders, but even the cute fury animals are dangerous. A kangaroo can tear open your stomach with it’s hind legs; a platypus has poison sacks, and a bad attitude; and let’s just hope that you never meet a pissed off wombat. In fact, the least dangerous creature is the super intelligent echidna, which happens to be covered in spines that are so sharp that they can pierce your skin by looking at them. As mentioned earlier, the water-bound animals are just as deadly, and probably twice as angry. In a cruel twist of government, most of the native animals in Australia are protected species, meaning that you couldn’t kill them even if they were eating your family. The only animals which you can legally hunt are the ones which, since being introduced, learned that the only way to survive is to breed faster than they can be killed off.

The people

The people of Australia are generally trusting and friendly. The majority of them work hard, love to drink, and will lend a hand whenever someone is in trouble. The rest of them just love to drink. The second group, largely known variously as bogans, bevans, westies, or yobbos, are prone to violent outbursts, and should be largely avoided by the wary traveler. They are distrustful of anyone different from themselves, which is only amplified by the consumption of alcohol. If you find yourself surrounded by an angry group of these bogans, your best defense is to try to distract them. A little known fact is that the only thing bogans hate more than foreigners, is a bogan from another state. For example, if you are in Queensland, the bogans will likely stop beating you if you can make them think that either a Victorian, or better yet, someone from New South Wales is nearby. For New South Wales, try Victorian, or Queenslander. If you are in Victora, then try Queensland or New South Wales. If you aren’t sure where the bogans are from, then the safe bet is always to try to convince them that there is a Tasmanian nearby.

The language

Speaking to an Australian involves some creativity. Full words are rarely, if ever, used in conversation. There is a simple pattern to follow, though, so that what you say can be understood.

  • Names longer than three letters should be shortened, then add an ‘o’ or a ‘zza’ onto the end. e.g. Steven should become Stevo, Wally should become Wazza.
  • Names that are three letters or less should be extended with an ‘o’. e.g. Ben should become Benno, Tim should become Timmo.
  • Anyone with red hair should be called “Blue”
  • Vowels are important, but most consonants are optional. e.g. “Australia” should be pronounced “Austraaaya”
  • The majority of the vocabulary is a mixture of rhyming slang, shortenings, and in-jokes. e.g. Tommo hit the frog and toad, then chucked a mainy back to the bottlo. (Tom left by road, before doing a u-turn and proceeding back to the alcohol store.)

That is about all you need to know to be able to survive in Australia. The one last tip to remember, if you ever find yourself cornered by bogans in a pub; the way to turn the entire situation around is a simple phrase: “My shout”.

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Censoring the Internet – what you need to know.

by on Jul.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, Hello, horoscopes, How did this become 'The Birds' slash-fiction?, Illuminati, MOTHERFUCKER, REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, SHUT UP, STOP IT, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Today I would like to talk about Internet Censorship. After talking to my legal department, however, it has been decided that some of the conversation may spark unwanted knowledge, which could affect the course of this blog. In response, I have taken the liberty of removing all these nonsense bits which could make you think, and leaving just the basic, easy to digest parts of the conversation. Here we go.

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A wise man once said you were a cunt.

by on Jul.20, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

I am all for quotes. If someone says something witty, deep, profound, whatever, then it’s only natural for people to want to share the insight. I like quotes. I DON’T like stupid cunts who don’t properly attribute quotes. I hate it when they try to pretend that they came up with the insight on their own. You obviously aren’t that deep, or even particularly likeable. Stop fucking doing it, you shit burger.

Not attributing a quote isn’t the worst part, though. People can still ask “Who said that?”, which both forces the quoter to divulge their source, and also subtly calls them out as a useless pile of human excrement. No, the one that really gets to me is when people quote fictional characters as if they came up with the line themselves.

The quote came from a CHARACTER. They DO NOT EXIST. Quoting them as if what they say has a DEEP MEANING IN THIS WORLD IS JUST FUCKING RETARDED, BECAUSE THEY DO NOT EXIST IN THIS FUCKING WORLD. THE QUOTE WAS WRITTEN BY A WRITER, YOU FUCKING STINKING SEMEN STAIN. BUZZ LIGHT YEAR DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. JUST BECAUSE HE SAYS “TO INFINITY AND BEYOND” DOESN’T MEAN THAT IT HAS ANY FUCKING RELEVANCE TO ANYTHING EVER. IT’S TOTAL FUCKING NONSENSE. YOU CAN’T GO TO INFINITY, IT’S NOT A FUCKING PLACE. YOU SURE AS FUCK CAN’T GO BEYOND INFINITY, BECAUSE THEN IT’S OBVIOUSLY NOT FUCKING INFINITE THEN.

I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK THAT IT’S SOMEHOW INSPIRING THAT A FICTIONAL TOY HAS NO GRASP ON THE CONCEPT OF INFINITY, YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT. STOP QUOTING IT, THINKING THAT IT FUCKING WELL MEANS ANYTHING. IT DOESN’T, YOU HOPELESS FUCKING SHIT HEEL.

Even this isn’t the worst thing that people do though. The worst one, the absolute STAB YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING EYE WITH A RUSTY PENIS one is when someone ATTRIBUTES A QUOTE FROM A FICTIONAL CHARACTER TO THE ACTOR WHO PORTRAYED THEM. I can’t get my head around it. Sure, the actor TECHNICALLY said it, but IT STILL ISN’T THEIR FUCKING INSIGHT, AND IT STILL DOESN’T FUCKING APPLY TO THE REAL WORLD BECAUSE THEY WERE SAID AS A FUCKING CHARACTER IN A FICTIONAL PIECE OF WORK. OH, PLEASE FUCKING KILL YOURSELF BEFORE YOU ATTRIBUTE ANY MORE QUOTES TO JOHNNY DEPP, OR HEATH LEDGER, OR BRAD FUCKING PITT.

I AM GLAD THAT YOU FUCKING GET THE POINT THAT TYLER DURDEN ISN’T A REAL PERSON, NOT EVEN IN THE FICTIONAL WORLD, BUT THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MEAN THAT EVERY LINE HE SPOUTS CAN BE ATTRIBUTED TO BRAD FUCKING PITT, YOU FUCKING STUPID, DELUDED CUNT. JUST FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY, OK? I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. I DON’T WANT TO READ IT ON FACEBOOK, AND EVERYONE WHO FOLLOWS IT UP WITH COMMENTS ABOUT “HOW TRU” OR HOW IT INSPIRES YOU, CAN FUCKING CHOKE ON A GIANT PAIR OF SWEATY FUCKING TESTICLES. I FUCKING HATE YOU, AND YOU ALL DESERVE TO DIE.

You can fucking quote me on that.

CABBAGE.

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Voting with your heart

by on Jul.19, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, Pirates, The one who calls wolf quite often, TRUTH

Over the weekend, most people here in Australia would have been made aware of an impending election. This shouldn’t really come as a surprise  to them though, as it is something that happens every 3 years or so. In a previous post, I covered the major political parties, and why you shouldn’t vote for any of them. Seeing as adding your own candidate, or marking a “None of the above” choice isn’t allowed in this country, I felt that it was time to explore which candidates you SHOULD consider voting for in this crap-shoot of awful politicians. There are only three major players worth noting. I’m not telling you which one to vote for, because I think that they’re all a useless bunch of cunts, but hopefully I can help one of them to capture your heart.

Julia GillardJulia Gillard - Taking heart theft seriously

If you believe the hype, Julia Gillard is the candidate who is meant to steal your heart. I, of course, plan to take this literally. and am rather scared of her. She is currently leading the country after killing deposing Kevin Rudd. She is female, which means that feminists everywhere make a huge deal about her. For some reason being the first female prime minister is a bigger deal than being the elected prime minister, but if she’s successful in the next few months, then I guess she’ll be both. This attitude is also kind of degrading to all of the other women in politics because it’s just telling them that being a woman in power is more important than being a good politician or doing a good job. The logic here has always escaped me, but that is probably a rant for another time.

The other inescapable thing about Julia Gillard is how much her nose looks like a shark. I’m not saying this to be mean, not that she would ever read this blog; it’s just a casual observance, like how everyone ever realises that Sarah Jessica Parker looks a whole heap like a horse, and has never actually been hot. If anything, looking like a shark could work to her advantage, as people are afraid and respectful of sharks. In terms of political action, she’s doing her absolute best to reverse all the policies that made Kevin Rudd unpopular, in the hope that it will make people like her. The fear angle would probably work better. Anyway, you should vote for her if:

  • The idea of an elected female is more important to you than a good leader.
  • You vote labor every time anyway because that’s what your parents did.
  • You are scared of sharks, and think that keeping them happy is the best way of keeping them away.
  • You are an executive of a mining company.
  • You really enjoyed the movie Jaws.

Tony Abbot

Tony Abbot is leading the opposition. Leader is perhaps a bit of a strong term, as it implies that he has a plan, solid opinions, and anyone would actually want to follow him. This isn’t to say that he’s without principals. He has plenty of principals, but none of them are particularly useful for running a country, at least not one in the 21st century. He loves to tell everyone about how he is manly, and how he knows best for women, children, and pretty much everyone. In terms of self righteousness, he can mix it with the best of them, which is pretty standard in most politicians. The difference with Abbot is that while most politicians at least pretend to craft their opinions to match popular opinion, he just spouts whatever idea pops into his head, no matter if it is popular or not. He mixes the smugness of Kevin Rudd with the “never say sorry” attitude of John Howard, then wraps it up with some exotic birds in tight underwear. You should vote for Tony Abbot if:

  • You know best, no matter what anyone else says.
  • You think that speedos should be part of the national dress.
  • You always vote Liberal, just because.
  • You believe that everyone else should hold your morals, no matter what.

Bob Brown

Bob Brown leads the Greens. This is a party which doesn’t field enough candidates to ever hold power. They are, however, the largest of the minor parties, and usually hold enough seats so that they can carry or block any contentious piece of proposed legislation. As such, while they have no power to introduce any of their own policies, the two major parties usually have to play nice by the Greens in order to get things done. Because they will never be the leading party, they can happily offer policies which are popular in theory, but would piss off a lot of people if they were ever made law. It’s probably not necessarily a bad thing if those people get pissed off, but it doesn’t make for a sustainable country. Vote for Bob Brown if:

  • You eventually decided to stop supporting the major parties directly.
  • You want your vote to count a little bit more than if you voted for the Sex Party.
  • You love all that hippy crap.
  • You love to feel good about yourself, but are afraid of any real change.

I hope that this helps you decide better how to waste cast your vote. All the candidates are pretty bad, so it’s pretty much like picking turds out of a barrel. No matter which one you ultimately pick you’re still holding a handful of crap, and that can’t be sanitary.

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Rewarding the useless for accidentally being less so.

by on Jul.14, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FABULOUS PRIZES!, Fish are ANGRY at the world, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, SHUT UP, Spill, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH

We are living in a brave new world! Apparently the thing being called “The biggest environmental disaster of our century” (which personally I think of as both very optimistic, and a brilliant challenge) has been stopped, with BP capping the well! Let us all sing their praises and shower them with consumerism, to reward them for doing for taking several months to fix a problem that should never have happened in the first place! AREN’T THEY JUST THE BEST?

While we’re at it, we should meet our carbon reduction targets by letting everyone carry on business as usual, and only rewarding (by way of tax cuts) those businesses who actually try to do anything. THIS IS A PREFECT IDEA WHICH CANNOT HELP BUT SUCCEED. WHY WE’LL MAKE THOSE BUSINESSES SO KEEN FOR TAX CUTS THAT THEY’LL BE FIGHTING AMONGST THEMSELVES TO BE THE MOST “GREEN”! THIS PLAN IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FLAWLESS!

Apparently some people don’t understand when I’m being sarcastic, so this is especially for you, cosmicharade (and others).

I WAS BEING FUCKING SARCASTIC YOU USELESS, MOUTH BREATHING, HAM BEASTS! I DO THAT HERE. THAT’S PRETTY MUCH WHAT THIS SITE IS FOR. SORRY TO TEAR DOWN THE FOURTH FUCKING WALL HERE, BUT SERIOUSLY ARE YOU CUNTS THAT FUCKING STUPID?

So applauding BP is fucking retarded. They fucked up, failed to fix it for THREE FUCKING MONTHS, and now that the EVENTUALLY HAVE, they are some kind of fucking heroes? YOU BEST BE FUCKING KIDDING ME, YOU CUNTS. IF SOMEONE SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE WITH A CROSSBOW THEN DECIDED TO SPEND THREE MONTHS “EXPERIMENTING” ON DIFFERENT WAYS OF HOW TO GET THE ARROW OUT, WHEN THEY FINALLY DID YOU STILL WOULDN’T BE FUCKING THANKING THEM. YOU ARE FORGETTING THE PART WHERE THEY SHOT YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE, AND COMPLETELY IGNORING THE THREE MONTHS OF DICKING THE FUCK AROUND. FOCUSING ON THE FACT THAT THEY EVENTUALLY FIXED IT DOES NOT NEGATE ALL THE FUCKING DAMAGE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED IF YOU THINK THAT IT DOES.

Rewarding people for doing what they’re meant to do is fine, IF THEY DO IT RIGHT, AND IN A TIMELY FUCKING MANNER. If the person shooting you with a crossbow did it accidentally, and immediately called an ambulance to have the arrow extracted properly, that might be forgivable. If they do it without laughing at the fact that you have a fucking arrow in your face, then you might even call their quick action commendable. If they insisted on doing it themselves, and fucking around with it in the process, THEN THEY SHOULDN’T BE REWARDED FOR FUCKING WELL EVENTUALLY GETTING IT RIGHT.

The same goes for the fucking business leaders who think that JUST BECAUSE there is a new prime minister, that you should be FUCKING REWARDED for doing the bare minimum, and left alone if you don’t fucking well do that. Here’s a carbon reduction policy for you:

Subsidise businesses in their attempts to use cleaner, renewable energy, and better, more efficient processes. Do this so that they aren’t put out of business trying to get up to spec. Pay for it by TAXING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ANY BUSINESS WHO DOESN’T MAKE A CHANGE FOR THE FUCKING BETTER. Don’t give breaks to big polluters because they’re nice guys, TAX THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF THEM UNTIL THEY FIGURE OUT HOW TO BE MORE FUCKING EFFICIENT.

If a company really doesn’t care enough to change and contribute, THEN THEY’LL PROBABLY DIE IN A PIT OF UNPAID TAX. Of course, this will affect employment, but I’ve got that covered, too. HIRE MORE PEOPLE WORKING LESS HOURS, WHICH WILL BE SUSTAINABLE DUE TO THE SAVINGS MADE ON THE NEW FOUND EFFICIENT PROCESSES. YOU COUPLE PROBABLY AFFORD TO PAY EVERYONE MORE, TOO. IT’S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE. IT’S ECONOMICS. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ECONOMICS, AND I’VE ALREADY COME UP WITH SOLUTIONS. IF I CAN DO IT, SURELY SOMEONE WHO’S JOB IT IS COULD FUCKING DO IT, AND I’LL BET THEY WANT A FUCKING PAT ON THE HEAD FOR DOING IT TOO.

So, in conclusion: Rewarding people for eventually undoing their own stupidity? Fucking retarded. Rewarding people for changing for the better, while ignoring people who aren’t contributing? Fucking cunt move. Calling me an armchair politician because I haven’t fixed the entire fucking world already? Just fucking shoot yourself.

Fuck you, cunts.

Cabbage.

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The Patriot Act (Acting like you’re patriotic, when you’re really a cunt)

by on Jul.12, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Heroes, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, Sparkly fuckstains, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

It is said that there is a fine line between patriotism and being a cunt. I think that is bullshit, because it’s perfectly easy to like, love, and support your country without being an ignorant pile of anal leakage. In fact, I find that feeling patriotic is quite far removed from feeling like plastering your car with bumper stickers shouting the slogans “Australia: Love it or leave it”, or the ever witty “Fuck off, we’re full”.

There is a difference there. There are a few differences, actually, but the main one is that if you have the bumper stickers mentioned above, you are most likely a FUCKING USELESS BOGAN CUNT. The most hilarious part of this is that the proud bearers of the “Fuck off, we’re full” slogan, often have NO CONTROL OVER HOW MANY SHIT STAINED CUNT-BEASTS THOSE USELESS MAGGOTY FUCKS SPIT OUT. Apparently, despite our vast brown lands, we have absolutely no-where to fit even our measly sum of just over 20 million people. Any more useful members to society will just have to fuck off again, so that there’s enough room for us to spit out hundreds of under-educated, spin swallowing, watchers of A Current Affair. If we don’t stem the flow of trained migrants, there may not be enough jobs left to say we applied for on the Centrelink forms.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the JOBS that are the problem. No-one wants to DO the jobs. Getting some dirty migrant to actually WORK these jobs is largely a good call. The problem is that if the jobs get FILLED, then what are we going to apply for each fortnight? Jobs that we might actually be suited to? That would mean that we might GET the jobs, which would mean that we can’t be on Centrelink any more.

It’s this kind of rampant stupidity which I detest. I don’t HATE our country at all. I really genuinely love it, and know that I have a much better way of life than the vast majority of the rest of the world. I hate some (not all) of the inhabitants of this country, and that’s not the slightest bit unpatriotic. It’s just hating STUPID FUCKING CUNTS WHO KEEP SCREWING IT UP FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

It’s easy to see the difference between true patriotism, and vaguely disguised racist hate-talk. For example, there is a brilliant piece of Australian literature which goes something like this:

I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel sea,
Her beauty and her terror –
The wide brown land for me.

This is patriotic. Notice how it talks about the beauty of the country. It acknowledges that it can be scary, but the author loves the country anyway. Then we get to pieces like this:

Fucking bogan scum

Or this:

Somehow, people seem to think that the only way to tell the world how truly special your country is is to beat the fuck out of everyone who isn’t from it, and tell them to get out. This, obviously, makes them want to be part of your country even more. They never will be, though, because you and your mates will stick around to make sure that they’ll get the living fuck beaten out of them if they show their face again. After all, that’s the true Australian way.

You fucking cunts.

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Buy our crap! You know you need it because we told you that you do!

by on Jul.08, 2010, under CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, how are you today?, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, TRUTH, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Advertising can fuck off. It really can. YOU HEAR THAT, YOU CUNTS? Thanks to advertising, we have fucking retarded shit burgs buying the new iPhone 4, not because their old iPhone is broken, or because it’s particularly incapable of performing the same actions, BUT BECAUSE SOME FUCKING CUNT IN MARKETING TOLD THEM THAT THEY SHOULD.

I’m actually offended by the lengths that some advertisers will go to try to get money out of people. They don’t tell straight out lies, but FUCK do they ever misrepresent the truth, WHICH IS FUCKING WORSE. If someone tells you a lie, you can call it out as a lie AND BE ON YOUR FUCKING WAY. IF THEY’RE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, BUT IN A MISLEADING WAY, THEN SAYING ANYTHING JUST MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A WHINY LITTLE BITCH. THEY FUCKING KNOW THIS, AND THAT’S WHY THEY FUCKING WELL DO IT.

How do you sell hand soap? Everyone already KNOWS that washing your hands is a good thing, so there can’t be much more demand there. You call your soap ANTI-BACTERIAL, despite the fact that it doesn’t really do anything extra. Then you tell people that it MAGICALLY STOPS YOU FROM GETTING SICK. This HAS to be do with the anti-bacterial claim, right? NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T YOU CUNTS. WASHING YOUR HANDS WITH ANY OLD FUCKING SOAP WILL HAVE THE SAME EFFECT. IT’S NOTHING MAGIC, NEW, OR SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR PRODUCT, SO STOP PRETENDING THAT IT FUCKING WELL IS.

What about paracetamol? It’s a standard drug, and EVERY manufacturer has the same dose. SO WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE THINK THAT THE MORE EXPENSIVE BRAND WILL MAGICALLY WORK BETTER? OH THIS BRAND MUST BE BETTER OTHERWISE WHY WOULD THEY CHARGE SO FUCKING MUCH MORE? THEY SELL IT FOR MORE BECAUSE YOU BUY IT FOR MORE, BECAUSE YOU THINK THERE MUST BE A FUCKING REASON WHY IT COSTS MORE. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON, YOU STUPID CUNTS. STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE US THAT YOUR PILLS ARE SOMEHOW MAGICALLY BETTER, DESPITE CONTAINING THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT AS ANY OTHER FUCKING BRAND. IF IT WAS DIFFERENT, STRONGER, OR WHATEVER IT WOULD BE FUCKING ILLEGAL TO SELL AS PARA-FUCKING-CETAMOL.

THERE SHOULD BE LAWS AGAINST MISLEADING ADVERTISING. IF YOU TRY TO ADVERTISE A FEATURE AS UNIQUE TO YOUR PRODUCT WHICH ISN’T, I SHOULD GET TO PUNCH YOUR FUCKING FACE INTO YOUR MOTHER’S WOMB. WITH A FUCKING SLEDGE HAMMER.

Worse are the ads who just assume that everyone is a TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT. Sure, I can understand that assumption (YOU CUNTS ARE ALL FUCKING IDIOTS), but to not even attempt to sugar coat it? Ads that TALK DOWN TO PEOPLE? DO YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SHAME? NO TACT? ARE YOU FAT FUCKING CUNTS JUST SITTING BACK AND LAUGHING AT HOW STUPID PEOPLE ARE? I BET YOU FUCKING WELL ARE, TOO.

WELL FUCK YOU. YOU CUNTS DESERVE TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE, BUT YOU WOULD PROBABLY SPIN THAT INTO A GOOD THING ANYWAY (“BUCKSHOT IS THE NEW BEAUTIFUL”), AND THEN TRY TO SELL IT TO POOR FUCKING SAPS FOR TEN TIMES THE PRICE OF THE AMMUNITION.

THESE SOULLESS CUNTS ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, AND ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN CURRENT AFFAIRS “JOURNALISTS”, WHO VAGUELY RESEMBLE THE VOMIT AND PUSS THAT COMES OUT OF THE ANUS OF AN ADVERTISER AFTER YOU STAB THEM INTO A WELL JUSTIFIED DEATH. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK, BUT THAT’S PROBABLY JUST A FEATURE, ISN’T IT?

NEXT YOU WILL BE ADVERTISING FAULTS AS A FUCKING INTENTIONAL DESIGN CHOICE (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, APPLE). I MIGHT BE SOUNDING A BIT LIKE BILL HICKS HERE, BUT THAT’S BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. IF YOU ARE IN ADVERTISING OR MARKETING, YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF RIGHT FUCKING NOW, AND DO THE WORLD A HUGE FAVOUR.

FUCK OFF AND DIE, YOU MAGGOTY CUNTS. STOP PLAYING ON FEARS, AND TRY TO MAKE A DECENT FUCKING PRODUCT INSTEAD.

In the paraphrased words of John Lennon:

You may say that I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll fuck off
And leave the world alone

Also, die.

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