The Daily Jerk

VIN FUCKING DIESEL

100% pure cunt block

by on Jun.24, 2010, under CABBAGE, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCKING RIOTS?!, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MOTHERFUCKER, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

I don’t consider myself a writer, so I don’t think that it’s fair to call my current lack of inspiration “writers block”. I am, however, frequently a complete cunt. I am having trouble with being a cunt today, so what I have is obviously cunt block.

What a day to get it on, too. I could make all sorts of witty remarks about politics, but FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE is doing that already. So rather than contribute to the mass of noise that is EVERYONE CRAPPING ON about something which I will allude to only, but never name, I felt that today would be better spent discussing other things. Hopefully one of these things will so anger me, make me so incensed, so infuriated at the world, that I will actually end up saying something funny. Or at least I’ll end up writing all capitals in a large, red font.

Let’s be honest, you aren’t here to get witty political intrigue. You are here because, for some demented reason, you actually seem to like it when I start shouting in text. I figure that this blog is like a car-crash for some people. A car crash which goes on for months and never actually gets interesting.

It just proves that people love drama. This is why the news, TV, and other media is the way it is. Telling people about nice things doesn’t fucking cut it any more. PEOPLE WANT TO SEE BLOOD, AND GUTS, AND VEEEEIIINS IN MY TEETH. I often wondered why, in history, people went to see public executions for FUN. Going to WATCH PEOPLE DIE A HORRIBLE FUCKING DEATH, not because they did anything to you personally, but because YOU HAVE NOTHING FUCKING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.

That’s when I realised that you people haven’t fucking changed at all. You still slow down at fucking car crashes in the hope of seeing a SEVERED FUCKING LIMB. IT’S NOT EVEN PUNISHMENT ANY MORE. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK. MAYBE YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO BECOME A FUCKING ACCIDENT VICTIM YOURSELF BY SLOWING DOWN SO MUCH ON A MAJOR FUCKING HIGHWAY. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ACCIDENT YOU IN THE FUCKING CUNT WITH A LEAD PIPE? WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? WOULD IT?

CAN YOUR POINTLESS FUCKING LIFE BE SATISFIED IN SUCH A SIMPLE FUCKING MANNER? PERHAPS I SHOULD RUB BROKEN GLASS IN YOUR FUCKING EYEBALL FOR THAT “SKIDDED UP THE BITUMEN” LOOK. IF YOU’RE REALLY LUCKY, I’LL EVEN BREAK YOUR FUCKING FINGERS SO YOU CAN NEVER PLAY THE PIANO AGAIN.

You are a total fucking cunt, you know that? I thought I was bad, but you fucking REVEL in other’s misery. I just don’t think people like you should be allowed to fucking live in this world. I think you should be executed. Make a real show of it, too. Music, popcorn, splatter goggles. Serves you fucking right, you cunt.

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Public transport: My life, my love, my legacy.

by on Jun.23, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, evil-nazi-eco-libro-fascists, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Every now and then, I have to rely on public transport. It’s not really a choice, so much as a situation which is forced upon me. When I was younger, I grew up in a town where there was no public transport outside of three taxis, and a school bus. Being that I lived within walking distance to the school for many years, I never really had to use these options. As I aged, I eventually was forced by social pressures to change from my close school to one which was in the next town. Eventually, I was one of those lucky kids who got to ride the bus.

Moving to the city afforded me even more bus rides, as well as this great system of trains. Oh what a joyous day it was to be able to travel in air-conditioned comfort and style to hopefully where I intended to go if I managed to read the timetable correctly, and if it wasn’t too far out of date. After six and a half years here, though, I’m a little less enamored of public transport; jaded even.

There are a few things in particular that bother me about both buses and trains. There’s the smell, the other people (or “patrons”), and the unerring feeling that, no matter how carefully you checked, you just sat in a wet spot. None of these things piss me off quite as much, though, as the fares.

If I want to catch a train to work (a massive journey of one station), it costs me over two dollars. Why? I can’t fathom. Apparently travelling one station causes a massive amount of extra load on the system. Never mind that a trip from my old house to work (approximately fifteen stations) cost me… still over two dollars, but well under three. Apparently I must live on the border of the GIANT FUCKING INSURMOUNTABLE HILL, which incurs a fucking convenience fee equivalent to travelling eleven fucking stations. It’s not even paper tickets running on zones anymore. It’s fucking “go cards” which are meant to intelligently bill you for how far you travel in the Brisbane fucking public transport network. On top of that THEY KEEP UPPING THE FUCKING PRICES. Now that people aren’t DIRECTLY PAYING ANY CASH for heir tickets, they can’t keep good track of HOW MUCH A SINGLE TRIP COSTS, only OH FUCK I’VE GOT NO MORE MONEY ON MY CARD FOR WHORES.

THIS UTTER BULLSHIT TICKETING SYSTEM SHOULD BE COSTING ME LESS, NOT MORE TO TRAVEL ONE FUCKING STATION, YOU UPPITY FUCKING CUNTS. I WON’T EVEN MENTION THE FUCKING TEN DOLLAR BUY-IN JUST TO BE ALLOWED TO USE YOUR FUCKING CUNTED SYSTEM (WAIT YES I WILL, IT’S FUCKED), OR THE FACT THAT EVERY TIME ONE OF YOUR FUCKING MACHINES ISN’T WORKING PROPERLY, I GET FINED AN EXTRA FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS. THAT’S EVEN LEAVING OUT THE PART WHERE THE RECHARGE STATIONS SEEM TO DECIDE ON A FUCKING WHIM WHAT METHODS OF PAYMENT WILL MAGICALLY FUCKING WORK THIS WEEK.

I HAVE TO CARRY CASH IN THE FORM OF NOTES AND COINS, PLUS A FUCKING CREDIT CARD WITH ME JUST IN CASE YOUR STUPID FUCKING TEMPREMENTAL CUNT OF A MACHINE DECIDES THAT IT’S “NOT DOING EFTPOS TODAY” OR THAT CASH IS FINE FOR $10, BUT $20? HOLY FUCK GET THE SHIT OUT OF HERE. WHY NOT JUST INSIST THAT YOU GIVE YOU DIRECT FUCKING ACCESS TO OUR BANK ACOCUNTS, AND YOU CAN EXTRACT WHATEVER THE FUCK MONEY YOU WANT WHENEVER YOU WANT, YOU DOMESTICATED FUCKING CUNT-RAT OF A COMPANY.

That is NOT how you run a fucking company, but I guess you don’t fucking care because the plebeian cunts who use you have NO OTHER FUCKING OPTION. I AM GOING TO GET MY FUCKING TWO DOLLARS WORTH OF TRAIN RIDES BY CONSTANTLY RIDING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE TWO STATIONS WITHOUT PAYING ANOTHER FUCKING CENT. SURE IT MAY TAKE ME FOUR HOURS TO GET TO WORK, BUT IT WILL BE FUCKING WORTH IT.

You cunts can stop treating us like your own personal fucking piggy banks now.

FUCK YOU, public transport.

FUCK YOU.

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Oh look, I’m a nerd. Aren’t I so fucking trendy?

by on Jun.22, 2010, under CABBAGE, CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

I understand your desire to be into things that everyone else finds uncool (no, I don’t; I never will, but I understand that you have this uncontrollable desire). I understand that for the history of science, being a nerd (or a geek, the distinction between which is sure to spark an outpouring of NERDRAGE) has been about the most unfashionable thing in existence. Until now.

Thanks to stupid fucking hipsters who think that being uncool is hip, we have over the last few years been subject to a concept known as “geek chic”. Apparently being awkward, having difficulty relating to people, and vision defects are cool now. WHO FUCKING KNEW?

Dickhead hipsters are now wearing THICK RIMMED GLASSES WITH 0 FUCKING PRESCRIPTION LENSES, LIKE THEY WANT TROUBLE SEEING TOO. They are constantly trying to figure out nerd fashion, like we all get together and fucking decide on what to wear. The majority of us wear (in this order) 1. things that we think are cool, with no thought about an overall “outfit”, and 2. WHATEVER THE FUCK IS CLOSEST WHEN WE GET DRESSED, BECAUSE, LET’S FACE IT, COMPUTERS DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU’RE AN IMPECCABLE DRESSER. The very act of TRYING to make a “geek fashion” is ENTIRELY MISSING THE FUCKING POINT. THERE IS NO FUCKING GEEK FASHION, JUST WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.

I can’t really fathom WHY people pretend to have fucking vision problems. This is a bit of a sticking point with me. I have bad eyesight, and let me tell you. It FUCKING SUCKS HUGE, SWEATY, HAIRY, DONKEY BALLS. The fact that you are PRETENDING that you can’t see properly without glasses is both CLINICALLY FUCKING RETARDED, and A GIANT KICK IN THE FUCKING EYEBALL FOR ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY NEEDS GLASSES TO SEE.

I DON’T FUCKING GET IT. I’M WAITING UNTIL CANCER BECOMES FASHIONABLE SO I CAN SHAVE MY HEAD, GET REALLY GAUNT, AND CONSTANTLY LOOK LIKE I’M ON THE VERGE OF DEATH. Oooh wowee! Next is FUCKING EBOLA. EVERY DAY I WILL POUR A HALF TONNE OF FAKE BLOOD UP MY ANUS SO THAT IT LOOKS LIKE I’M BLEEDING PAINFULLY, THAT’LL BE COOL!

My absolute favourite trend will be when people start STABBING THEMSELVES IN THE FACE IN ORDER TO END THEIR MISERABLE FUCKING LIVES. The emo “movement” was almost there, but everyone realised that rather than killing themselves, they COULD JUST CRY ABOUT THEIR PARENTS ON THE FUCKING INTERNET. OH WAH WAH FUCKING WAH, MY DADDY DIDN’T BUY ME A FUCKING PORCHE. I’LL HAVE TO DO WITH THIS FUCKING BMW. MY LIFE IS NOTHING BUT PAIN. EXPENSIVE, TRENDY, PAIN. I ALSO CAN’T AFFORD JEANS THAT FIT, BECAUSE I PAID THREE TIMES AS MUCH TO GET A PAIR THAT ARE TWO SIZES TOO SMALL AND ALREADY FUCKING TORN, SO THAT IT LOOKS LIKE I’M A STRUGGLING ARTIST. OF COURSE I’LL NEVER DO ANYTHING OF WORTH FOR SOCIETY, BUT DON’T I LOOK GOOD WHILE DOING IT?

Some people say that it’s mean, but I’m quite serious here when I say that if this, in any way, describes you; kill yourself. That is the ONLY fucking decent contribution you could make to society. Bonus points if you do it creatively (sky diving onto a piano-wire net strung taught above a crowded city street; a giant machine that tattoos your eye with an icepick and a sledge hammer; head-butting a Samoan; you get the idea)

Seriously, though. Stop pretending to be a nerd if you’re not willing to have a conversation about the benefits of using vi over emacs, or whether Kara Thrase is actually a cylon/human hybrid. If you didn’t understand either of those, then you can fuck off.

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Twilight is so lame

by on Jun.22, 2010, under Celebrity gossip, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Twilight is so lame. Only faggots would watch it.

I mean, oooh look at me, I’m a sparkly emo vampire covered in glitter herpes. Oooh I don’t want you to see me like this Bella. I’m so perty. See my balls? Look at them shine. Look at them shine. Look at them shine.

(Totally awesome pop culture reference there but none of you emo fat twilight mums will ever get it because you aren’t as COOL AS ME, like Professor Q from the 1933 remake of Voyage to Planet Xenopop).

Speaking of sparkly, what’s with that? You have a multi million dollar production team with a combined CGI effort that is slightly less effective than just rolling the lead actor in a vat full of glitter glue. Which he’d probably sniff in order to create that slightly dead “I can’t act” thing he has going on. He could also save on hairspray- it costs him several cans of the stuff a day just to keep the faggy emo poofy hair thing going.

Ooooh bella. I’m so emo and pensive. you smell like a nice slab of medium-rare wagyu. I could totally eat your face off any minute, but I’m not going to because I’m going to totally tap that ass as soon as its legal. Booya!

Which begs the question- I’m not even 30 and I cannot fucking stand teenagers. How the hell does a 100 year old vampire put up with them? Oh look at you, Mrs Jailbait with the perky boobs unaffected by gravity but your FUCKING ANNOYING GO AWAY AND BE EMO SOMEWHERE ELSE. Hes not even poking her yet and IS STILL CAPABLE OF like totally being like, in her presence and shit like yo.

I rate it 3/10 stars because its essentially just a remake of the 1833 classic “Lolita”

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Your questions are burning (A HOLE IN MY FUCKING SKULL WITH THEIR STUPIDITY)

by on Jun.14, 2010, under CUNTS, FABULOUS PRIZES!, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, HEY YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, MOTHERFUCKER, SHUT UP, STOP IT, STOP PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

So yesterday (conveniently a weekend) marked a month since my first post on this site. A few days ago, I asked people to ask me things. These are some of the questions that I received, and as a bonus, some answers to them.

Q: Have you ever wondered why a turtle has a neck?
A: No. I know why turtles have necks. It’s so stupid fucking middle-class white people can pretend to have something in common with poor black people (who make up for their lack of monetary wealth with a boon of musical talent). They function only as foreskins for cunts with no sense of fashion.

Q: Why are you such a (insert MAGGOT-TITS GOVERNMENT MARTHA STEWART here) SHAGPILE MAGGOT-TITS?
A: I have trained VERY LONG and VERY FUCKING HARD to develop tit-maggots. Now you SWAN THE FUCK IN HERE and pretend like IT’S A FUCKING BAD THING, YOU CUNT. IF I WANT TO GET A GOVERNMENTAL ORDER TO INFECT MARTHA STEWART’S TITS WITH MAGGOTS, THEN I HAD BEST HAVE SOME TIT MAGGOTS FUCKING READY AT HAND. I will, however take your suggestion for a shagpile tit-maggot delivery method under consideration.

Q: Why do I always smell bacon?
A: Because you are a giant, disgusting, fucking HAM BEAST. You probably have half a side of pork shoved in your cunt, just in case you need it for emergencies. YOU MAKE ME SICK.

Q: Stupid people – how do they live?
A: In cars, apparently. They fucking wouldn’t if I had anything to do with it. Take the warning labels off everything, and let the problem sort itself out. By shooting everyone who complains about there no longer being any warning labels or instructions. Actually, taking the instructions off things wouldn’t make any difference because the STUPID FUCKHEADS WHO INHABIT THIS CUNTING PLANET NEVER READ THE FUCKING INSTRUCTIONS ON ANYTHING ANYWAY.

So that’s it for now. If you want to ask questions, there’s still the following ways:

Now fuck off.

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Hating on WORDS

by on Jun.07, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, HAHAHAHA YORE, MAGNETS - HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK, SHUT UP, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate words. I hate them, right down to their lettery cores. I hate words, I hate linguists, I hate word smiths, I hate the WORD “smith”, I hate everyone CALLED “Smith”, I ESPECIALLY hate the character “Agent Smith” in “The Matrix”, because he loved to use words, and was called “Smith”.

As far as I am concerned, words can be burnt into their own special hell, which will have no name because to name it, you have to use a word, and it any word will eventually end up in there, so applying a name will only be a temporary measure, and will only really exacerbate the problem.

So what is it about words that I hate so much? It’s the fact that they’re ALL FUCKING MISUSED BLOODY LIARS. All words have, at some point, been misappropriated by FUCKING RETARDS who think that the SOUND of the word is good enough to get their point across.

You fucking CUNTS.

Words used to be good for all sorts of things, but now, because of FUCKING ARSEHOLE RETARDO-CUNTS, you can’t trust A SINGLE FUCKING WORD TO MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS. FOR ALL I KNOW, YOU THINK I’M TALKING ABOUT HAM AND PENIS SANDWICHES, SMEARED IN ANAL JUICES. HOWEVER IF YOU THOUGHT THAT, THEN YOU PROBABLY THOUGHT THAT WHAT I JUST SAID THEN WAS ABOUT FUCKING RABBITS SKULL-FUCKING INDIAN BABIES WHILE SHOUTING RACIAL EPITHETS. HOWEVER, IF THAT WERE THE CASE… WELL YOU GET THE FUCKING IDEA THEN.

So why be angry at WORDS? They are surely the innocent victims in this situation. They have no means with which to defend themselves, outside of dictionaries, which, let’s face, it are ways of converting single words into even MORE words. Dictionaries aren’t a fucking defence. THEY ARE A FUCKING BREEDING PROGRAM FOR WORDS, AND NONE OF IT IS OF ANY FUCKING USE UNLESS YOU ALREADY KNOW FUCKING WORDS.

THAT is why I feel that it is the words at fault. THEY ARE A FALSE ECONOMY. They make you feel like you’re saying something, BUT THE SOMETHING HAS NO FUCKING MEANING IF YOU DON’T KNOW ANY WORDS. EVERYTHING COULD BE COMPLETELY FUCKING WRONG, AND YOU WOULD NEVER FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT IS BY USING MORE FUCKING WORDS.

THE WHOLE THING IS A FUCKING VICIOUS CYCLE WHICH WOULD BE EASILY AVOIDED IF WE STOPPED USING WORDS ALTOGETHER, AND FIGURED OUT A WAY OF COMMUNICATING BY IMPLANTING OUR EXACT INTENTION STRAIGHT INTO PEOPLES MINDS IN A WAY WITCH THEY WILL FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

I WANT TO SCREAM INTO YOUR FUCKING BRAIN, YOU USELESS PILE OF MAGGOTY PUS, DRIPPING IN VAGINAL JUICES, AND SOAKED IN MENSTRUAL BLOOD UNTIL WHICH POINT THAT YOU DISSOLVE AND BECOME ONE WITH YOUR FUCKING PREDECESSOR’S SANITARY WASTE.

The great irony here is that you have no way of being sure that you actually understood what I meant there, because your grasp of the English language has already been royally CUNTED OVER BY FUCKING WORDS.

FUCK YOU, WORDS.

FUCK.

YOU.

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A blog from my cat

by on Jun.02, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, SHUT UP, STOP IT, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

After last night’s effort, wherein my cat wrote my blog for me (via me), I thought that I would return the favour. The following is how I feel that my cat would write a blog, of itself writing a blog through my eyes. via me.

as4efd56g7jh89jk90kl0-l;——————————————l;0h9fhiuvbj          hcv7yfd63hgvgsrresjhsddsiejhnmv v vkddiujkgfl;h’

fg;’lr;lkw2l0349vbjk povbuhfbsghquye;’fg

fg54f65df45d1265f7878d;’dskajqiASJWOE ODFPRTL;JH’;UY

YU;UY]FKLDIU3EJ3489DFJKCVKJ

Thank you all for your understanding. She is a poor dear who is entirely illiterate, and I’m sure that she realises this. So in order for me to emulate her emulating me emulating her, I felt it would just be best to bash the keyboard a whole fuckload. That’s what I never got about the old “A BLOG FROM MY CAT” posts that you see running around the Internet. If your cat could be fucked teaching itself how to read, write, and use a keyboard, WHY THE FUCK DOES IT NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL ANYTHING? I mean, this has to be one FUCKING INTELLIGENT CAT, which is a fucking stretch at the best of times. SO WHY THE FUCK CAN’T IT LEARN TO USE PROPER FUCKING ENGLISH PHRASES? OR SPELL SIMPLE WORDS CORRECTLY? DID YOU FUCKING TEACH YOUR CAT BAD ENGLISH BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY? YOU FUCKING CUNT! YOUR CAT COULD BE OUT FUCKING WORKING FOR A LIVING, BUT NOOOOO YOU HAD TO SLUT IT OVER JUST SO THAT YOU COULD HAVE A CHEAP LAUGH AT IT’S FUCKING EXPENSE.

OH, BUT IT’S “CUTE” TO TALK IN THAT FUCKING HEINOUS ASSAULT ON THE BRAIN THAT PEOPLE CALL “LOLSPEAK”. IT’S THE GREATEST FUCKING ADDITION TO COMEDY IN THE PAST CENTURY, ISN’T IT YOU GONORRHOEA LADEN, SEMEN COATED, FUCKING SADISTIC, ARSESOLE-RAPING CUNT? LET’S STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! COMEDY IS OVER, BECAUSE SOMEONE MISAPPROPRIATED THE ENGLISH FUCKING LANGUAGE IN ORDER TO BE FUCKING “CUTE”. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME FUCKING SICK.

FUCKING SICK. I WANT TO VOMIT DOWN YOUR CUNT UNTIL THE SPAWN OF YOUR LOINS DROWNS IN MY BILE. THEN, AT LEAST, YOU WON’T HAVE REPRODUCED, AND ALLOWED YOUR HORRIBLE SENSE OF HUMOUR TO ESCAPE INTO THE REST OF THE FUCKING WORLD.

Where is the fucking journalistic integrity? Every time I let a cat near my keyboard, it ends up producing something much like the fucking bile-producing, shit-pile that I demonstrated above. BUT EVEN THAT IS MORE READABLE, UNDERSTANDABLE, AND REAL THAN YOUR FUCKING PIDGIN ENGLISH CRAP. CATS CAN’T FUCKING USE A KEYBOARD PROPERLY, AND IF THEY EVER LEARN HOW TO, THEY WILL USE THEM TO FILE WELL WORDED LETTERS OF COMPLAINT TO THE APPROPRIATE FUCKING HEADS OF DEPARTMENT, CLAIMING DEFAMATION, AS EVERYONE SEEMS TO THINK THAT THEY’RE HORRIBLY ILLITERATE, AND ONLY INTERESTED IN EATING AND SHITTING IN YOUR FUCKING SHOES. THEY SHIT IN YOUR SHOES AS A FUCKING PROTEST.

So THANK YOU to all those retarded sycophants who encourage this type of behaviour. IT IS YOU WHO ARE ABOUT TO BRING ABOUT THE FUCKING CAT-SHAPED, LEGAL HOLOCAUST. ALL FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS NEVER FUCKING FUNNY TO BEGIN WITH.

GREAT FUCKING WORK THERE.

Cunts.

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HERE’S YOUR NEW ADDRESS, GETTYSBURG

by on May.31, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, SHUT UP, STOP IT, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

YOUR NEW ADDRESS IS “15 SHITCUNT LANE, IOWA”

So why does an entire borough deserve to be re-addressed, and in Iowa, no less? For the same reason that I think that you’re a LYING SACK OF SHIT, GETTYSBURG. For the VERY SAME reason why my future children will EAT FUCKING MUD, and NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYTHING THAT IS COOLER THAN ANYTHING I OWN. BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO.

So for all of us who weren’t brought up GETTING AMERICAN FUCKING HISTORY RAMMED DOWN OUR THROATS IN LIEU (there’s a fucking word you French-hating, history-gobbling-like-so-many-freedom-fries, Americunts would never have learned in school thanks to too much time spent shovelling fucking RANCH DRESSING AND COCKS down your throats rather than LEARNING SOMETHING THAT HAS SOME FORM OF REAL FUCKING IMPACT ON THE WORLD YOU ARE ABOUT TO FUCK UP) OF PROPER FUCKING EDUCATION ABOUT THINGS THAT CUNTING WELL MATTER, WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS?

Ok, so say you’re watching some heart-warming TV show about a family in crisis, which is set in America in winter. At some point WITHOUT FUCKING FAIL, one of the family cunt-beasts (usually the youngest) will DON A FAKE BEARD, TOP HAT, AND FUCKING TAILS, stand on stage and declare loudly “FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO!” then fucking WANDER OFF while everyone smiles and wipes a fucking tear from their eye LIKE THEY HAVEN’T SEEN EVERY OTHER ONE OF THEIR SHIT-BURG FUCKING KIDS DO THE SAME THING BEFORE THEY GOT TOO COOL AND STARTED LISTENING TO JUSTIN FUCKING BEIBER.

I think it has something to do with thanksgiving, BECAUSE THOSE MOVIES ALWAYS HAVE THANKSGIVINGMAS in them with GIANT FUCKING TURKEYS and FOUR FUCKING FATHERS. Thanksgiving is also A TOTAL FUCKING LIE. “HEY WE’RE GIVING THANKS TO YOU INDIANS FOR GIVING US SOME LAND BY KINDLY DYING OF FUCKING SMALL POX AND INFLUENZA AND PROBABLY AIDS IF WE KNEW IT EXISTED THEN. NOW BUILD US A FUCKING CASINO, BITCH! I’M FEELING LUCKY!”

So why change the Gettysburg address? It’s fucking HILARIOUS to watch all the other cunt’s children who don’t get to say “FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN CUNTS DON’T GET THIS LINE”, and think quietly to yourself that THEY WILL NEVER FUCKING AMOUNT TO ANYTHING, BECAUSE THEY ARE ONLY BIT PARTS, WHERE AS MY FAKE CHILD WILL BE CRUSHED BY THE DOG-EAT-CHILDREN’S-INTESTINES WORLD OF ACTING, ONLY TO SINK INTO AN EVER DEEPENING SPIRAL OF DRUG ABUSE, SEX SCANDALS, AND LACK OF EVER FINDING FULFILMENT UNTILL THEY ARE FULLY FILLING A FUCKING GRAVE WITH THEIR 700 KILO BALL OF GREASE THAT THEY USED TO ONCE DRESS UP IN FAKE BEARDS AND TOP HATS.

YOU ARE FUCKING RUINING EVERY CHILD’S LIVES, AMERICA, WITH YOUR CONSTANT ABE LINCOLN IMPERSONATIONS, AND I AM TOTALLY FUCKING OK WITH THAT.

THE MORE LIVES YOU RUIN NOW, THE MORE PORN WE HAVE IN THE FUTURE. YOU’RE ALSO KEEPING THE DRUG DEALERS AND THE ECO-HIPPIES IN BUSINESS. GREAT FUCKING WORK THERE, YOU STUPID CUNTS.

Or maybe I’m over-reacting.

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I’M FUCKING WATCHING YOU

by on May.28, 2010, under CABBAGE, FUCKING RIOTS?!, Hello, how are you today?, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

THAT’S RIGHT, CUNTS. I KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. I HAVE EYES ON THE PRIZE. I KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE COMING HERE… I AM BIG FUCKING BROTHER.

Allow me to show you… “The stats”

So what does this show? Not much really, only that everyone fucking LOVES Justin Bieber. I still don’t get it. I’m at a massive fucking loss. So will someone please tell me what is SO FUCKING AMAZING about this little twerp? What is SO CUNTING SPECIAL that this shitburg can inspire FUCKING RIOTS at the age of 16?

Perhaps an even MORE important question is this: WILL MENTIONING JUSTIN BIEBER AGAIN NET ME HUNDREDS MORE PAGE VIEWS? I’M DOING THIS FOR SCIENCE, YOU CUNTS! I’M STUDYING A MYSTERIOUS PHENOMENON THAT I CALL THE “MINDLESS TEENAGE CUNT EFFECT”

AND I WOULD LOVE TO WELCOME YOU INEVITABLE BITCHES WHO COME HERE HOPING FOR SOME TASTY EXCLUSIVE ON YOUR BRAND NEW HEARTTHROB. I HEAR THAT HE LIKES STUFF! AND I HEARD THAT IN ABOUT 2 YEARS HE WILL BE CRACKED OUT OF HIS FUCKING BRAIN, AND SHOOTING UP HEROIN WITH LINDSEY LOHAN. AS IN USING HER AS A NEEDLE. AND THE SUPPLY.

HE WILL BE SO COKED OUT THAT JUNKIES COULD CHEW ON HIM FOR SUSTENANCE. HE WILL CONSTANTLY BE GOING INTO REHAB, SO OTHER JUNKIES CAN GET ANOTHER HIT. Probably.

That, of he’ll get caught in some kind of photo scandal exposing his breasts on a webcam to strangers. Oh, wait, that’s Miley.

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A quick quiz

by on May.28, 2010, under CUNTS, FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE EVERYONE, MOTHERFUCKER, VIN FUCKING DIESEL

Now today, I wish to administer a quick quiz. Don’t worry, it won’t be hard.

There are images in this quiz, it’s kind of a “spot the difference”.

For this reason, I’m going to use one of those “split post” things that, so far, I have avoided using.

(continue reading…)

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